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Original poster

Do you cry at funerals?

40 replies

BettySpaghetti · 04/02/2007 19:18

My Gran died last week and its her funeral this week.

I have only been to 3 other funerals as an adult -2 of those were for my other Grandparents and one was my friends Dad .

I always cry, even at my friend's dads funeral and TBH I didn't really know him. (I think I was probably crying for my friend who had taken it all really badly).

Anyway it occured to me that some people don't cry at funerals, even those you might "expect" to (close relatives/friends). Are they just good at holding in their emotions? Do they switch off and think of something happy to avoid crying? Do they have "beliefs" that help them through?

BTW I don't have a problem with the fact I'll cry or with anyone else crying/not crying. It was just something that was going through my mind at 4am when I couldn't sleep.

OP posts:
footprints · 04/02/2007 19:20

I cry buckets at funerals of people I didn't know that well but didn't cry at my dad's funeral. Wierd.

FioFio · 04/02/2007 19:20

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FioFio · 04/02/2007 19:20

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Tommy · 04/02/2007 19:22

Some people use a coping mechanism I think because they don't want to break down and howl in front if people which they might well do if they didn't try to hold it together.

I'm a bit like that (and I go to alot of funerals!)

winestein · 04/02/2007 19:22

I do.

At my dad's recent funeral there were 3 people that admitted that they were non-cryers, but the service moved them to tears. I like to think it was a mark of how they felt about my dad, helped along by the service, which was extrememly personal about my dad.

Califrau · 04/02/2007 19:23

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Original poster
BettySpaghetti · 04/02/2007 19:25

Tommy- but even if my life depended on it if I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry. I can't get my head round the idea that people can control that sort of crying and hold it together

OP posts:
chestnutty · 04/02/2007 19:27

Agree with FioFio. Didnt cry at my mum's funeral( too busy holding my dad up) but cried every day for months after.

Blandmum · 04/02/2007 19:27

Yes, but in part this is because most of the ones I go to are Welsh Funerals, and they do a damn good line in 'There is a hard bastard in the back not sobbing, lets start another minor key hymn'

Welsh hymns always make me cry, even if I'm not at a funeral

Original poster
BettySpaghetti · 04/02/2007 19:31

I'm glad I'm not the only one thats "set off" by all sorts.

I think I cry easier now than I ever have done. I frequently cry at programmes on the TV (the prog. about Helen House had me sobbing for example) -I never used to be like that.

OP posts:
ja9 · 04/02/2007 19:32

i always cry. even if i don't really know / love the people ie elderly neighbour. think i cry out of sympathy for the grieving relatives.

think if it was someone really close to me, i'd be completely inconsolable and make a prat of myself.

i do not understand how some people can get up and speak at a loved ones funeral. it's just beyond my comprehension - i could not do it.

snorkle · 04/02/2007 19:32

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unknownrebelbang · 04/02/2007 19:33

I didn't cry at my mother's funeral, but generally I do.

I think, for me, the tears are more for the family/friends left behind rather than the person who's died.

Everyone's different, for me some things are just too deep for tears, hence no tears at my own mother's funeral.

wurlywurly · 04/02/2007 19:35

same here i always cry buckets at funerals, dont know how people go and dont cry, no matter how much you try and hold it in i just end up sobbing.

NurseyJo · 04/02/2007 19:36

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Chandra · 04/02/2007 19:40

I don't, probably because the few ones I have attended were of people I knew well and who had suffered in illness quite a good deal before diying. I guess that it may be as mucha mental block as the realisation that they are now in peace and suffering is over. (And I might have cried quite a lot in the weeks preceeding the death)

I cried loads (LOADS) at the funeral of the dad of a friend of a friend. I was so embarrassed, the girl was self composed and brave and I spent most of the funeral getting yet another tissue from the loos. I think I had PMT that day. I still shudder at remembering it.

HEIFER · 04/02/2007 19:41

I usually cried a bit before at funerals, but now having lost my mum and dad I cry shed loads..

I felt really guilty at the first funeral after my dads, as I wasn't really crying for the person that died, but for my dad etc.

And same since my mum died last year...

Again it is the music that gets to me..

My mum was a sunday school teacher so loads of hymns I can actually hear her in my head..

I actually didn't go to a funeral recently that in the past I would have gone to (neighbour) as I didn't want to break down crying for my mum when I hardly knew the neighbour that had died... I just know that it would have looked odd that I was crying so much...

Tommy · 04/02/2007 19:41

I'm not really as hard as nails bettyspaghetti!
I tend to stare really hard up at the ceiling if I think I'm going to cry - mostly because I know that once I start, I won't stop

Original poster
BettySpaghetti · 04/02/2007 19:59

I'm sure you're not hard as nails Tommy -hope you didn't think I meant anything negative.

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Bucketsofdynomite · 04/02/2007 20:01

Oh Snorkle, did you translate it as a sign from your mum?

Haven't been to a funeral for about 5 years but yes I did cry, it was a suicide and I wasn't close enough to have any feelings other than sadness, I imagine some there may have been angry.
I never used to cry in public until my first nephew was born (before I had kids) and then suddenly I could reference everything sad in the world to him, could visualise him in awful situations. Now I see my own kids and it's even worse.

tenbygirl · 04/02/2007 20:13

Depends on the funeral for me - didn't cry at my gran's or grandad's as part of me were thinking that they were old, had had a good life, etc.

Then a friend (but not a very close one) died suddenly in an accident and I was sobbing the whole way through. The sight of his kids following the coffin in was too much.

lulumama · 04/02/2007 20:16

i cry at every funeral, even if it is not someone i know very well, say a friends parent...not only because i am sad, for them , for their loss, but it reminds me of the people i have lost who i love....

crying is good...but so is not crying if you don;t ...you can;t force it, people grieve in all sorts of ways...

tirnanog · 04/02/2007 20:27

There was a funeral at sunday mass last week.I didn't know the woman personally,but her daughter spoke so beautifully and with such love about her during the eulogy that I found myself sobbing for the families pain and loss.

jenkel · 04/02/2007 20:46

I didnt cry at my dads funeral, in fact as sick as it may sound I had a horrible urge to laugh. I have no idea why, I was heartbroken but did feel that I needed to keep it together for my Mum and Gran who were both besides themselves. In fact, we went to my DH's uncle's funeral about 3 months after my dads, and you would think that I was really close to him as I cried buckets, I hardly knew the man was just their to support Dh, not a lot of good I was. I just think that all my emotion came out then.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2007 20:50

When they're old, no.

I know that sounds harsh, but I've been to the funerals of young people and they're just so f*&king sad you want to jump in the grave and go with them.

I did not cry at any of my grandparents' funerals.

They led long, full lives. Two were in their 90s and one in her mid-80s.

They were ready to leave this life and died peacefully and happily.

No reason to cry.