Consequences of having child out of wedlock?

[artyjoe]

After 9 years of trying I am finally pregnant, but the timing is a bit strange as I was due to marry my long term partner in February, but our child will be born in January, so we have called it off. We were planning to wait until the baby was a few years old and then marry, but we are having conflicting views from friends and family about this. I have looked on Google and can't seem to find anything that isn't related to religion with regards to consequences of having a child out of wedlock.

I was of the understanding that the father loses some paternity rights through this, but my partner has also been told that he would have to adopt the baby once married, surely not!

I didn't think it would be a big thing in this day and age, especially as I have been living with the father for 3 years, but a few people are horrified and say it will cause problems for the child. How?

I don't want a shotgun wedding but I also don't want to affect our child in a negative way. Any ideas, advice or opinion (except religious) would be much appreciated.

Joe

I fell pregnant whilst planning my wedding and we went ahead with it because my mum made a very good point. She said we would never find time after the child was born and looking back, she was right. But I don't know anything about parental rights.

I had my son out of wedlock. Myself and his dad didn't get married until he was 14. My husband didn't have to adopt him at all as he was the named father on the birth certificate. My son had my maiden name so when we finally did get married I changed his name to that of my husbands so we all had the same surname. In your case, you will probably give your baby your partners surname anyway so you won't even have to do that. I think these days there are more children born out of wedlock than in and it really won't affect the child in any way. (that's my opinion anyway) Good luck with pg and the wedding.

My partner of 15 years and I are not married nor do we intend to get married. We have 2 boys and as I understand it my dp has no parental rights, ie if we split up I can emigrate and he can do nothing about it; if one of the boys needs medical attention he cannot sign any papers consenting to treatment as he is not legally recognised; if we split up he has no legal rights to access, only what I deem appropriate. It wouldnt obviously get to that but that is some of the worst case scenario.

The law regarding parental responsibility has changed recently, but basically, if an unmarried father subsequently marries the mother of his child/ren, he automatically acquires parental responsibility. Prior to marriage, he will only acquire p.r. through an agreement with the mother or a court order.

Why not get married before the baby is born? You've plenty of time. You'll have little or no time after the baby is born.

Hi artyjoe. We had ds out of wedlock and married when he was about 1. What you need to do is get a 'parental rights form' . There are instructions on the form. You fill it in and then go and get it verified and witnessed and that is it.
I am at the moment looking up the website for the form. will get back to you. Quite a simple process so dont worry. Get married when you want to and dont worry about anything else. Do not substitute other peoples opinions for you your own on something as special to you as your wedding day. You do it how you like when you like.

Our dd had just turned 5 and our son was 18 months old when we got married. We decided in the Jan to do it and got married in the March. The kids already had their dad's surname. I loved having my children at the wedding. What problems do people think your child will have by you waiting to get married?

I've just asked my dd (11 now) if she feels traumatised at being at her parents' wedding. She answered "Good God no, why? should I?" She confirmed she enjoyed being at the wedding apart from the weather was a bit cold!!!!

www.courtservice.gov.uk/you_courts/divrfam/children/famcourt/agreement.htm

This is the address for information about the parental responsibility form.

www.whennotif.co.uk/parental%20resp.htm
This is a usful link for information. (sorry cant do that insert a web address thing!!)

court service

information

your partner shouldnt have to adopt your baby once you get married, and he shouldnt lose any rights as they've changed it now so if he is named on the birth certificate he automatically gets parental responsibility over the child as he would if he was married to you. HTH

I was in a similar situation to Magnum. We had dd1 before being married, and gave hre my surname. We got married when she was 3, and we all took dh;s name. All we had to do was inform the relevent people that she was now known asx rather than y. The passport office just required a letter stating this, signed by both parents. Legally you can call yourself whatever you want as long as it is not with intent to commit fraud etc, so you don't need a solicitor to do it.

As for parental rights, dh didn't need to adopt, as children born outside of marriage, are subsequently recognised automatically when the marriage to the parent occurs. I believe that nowadays the law about parental responsibility is changing to give PR to no marrieds as well.

no problems here, I had my son 10 yrs ago, single parent, and my dd now 19 mths we had out of wedlock, and have had no problems, although after 4 yrs together we are planning to get hitched, but due to the cost and time factor we are choosing to have another baby first.
You do not have to adopt the baby when married! Not if his name is on the birth cert from the start...

Dh wasn't on the certificate, and still isn't on dd1's! He was away when I registered her. A registrar told us a few years ago, that if we want , all we have to do is fill in a form from them stating he is the father and he can be added at any time. He still didnt need to adopt her.

My sisters dh's (aged 44) grandparents went off and got married when all their children left home and no-one knew for years.

what I meant to say was no-one knew they weren't married at all until after they got married.

Artyjo,

I really agree with what other people have said - that this is your decision and you should do what's right for you. I agree totally that what matters is that a child has loving parents and a stable, secure, environment, not whether they're married or not. One tiny half thought - someone mentioned that you might never find the right time once your baby arrives - and I could really see this happening - I know one couple for whom it has happened - and certainly money has come into it as their family has grown. But you could think about setting a date now, say when the baby will be about one, and try to do as much organising as possible before the baby is born then you'll have made the decision (in blissful ignorance of how much work your baby is going to be!) I know another couple who did that and it worked well for them. Having said that I think you'd need to have quite a relaxed attitude : you wouldn't be able to bring a baby into this world and plan the perfect wedding down to every last detail all in the same year - but you could do it if you're happy to let other people help. In any case congratulations and good luck

Congratulations Artyjoe!!

You have asked for ideas, advice or opinions and you may not like what I am going to say - here goes:
I am not interested in what other people think about unmarried parents, etc, but I will say this:
In the unlikely event that you separate from your now DP, you have less rights than if you were married. I know this for a fact as I have seen it happen. This may not concern you now, but you may wish to consider your child(ren) and their rights.

Sorry, have to disagree with Trifle. Unmarried fathers do have rights to access even if they have to do this through the courts - I know somebody who had to do this to see his children as ex-girlfriend was being uncooperative.

Sorry to sound like doom and gloom but it is important to protect yourself. If it was me, I would have a quiet civil wedding and then do the big party when you are ready. You need to protect yourself.

Well, I'm like Batters; never made it up the aisle and not particularly intending to - and I don't see that it's affected my daughters AT ALL.

Set your wedding for a date that suits you. And most importantly, congratulations on the baby!

Chicpea, what do you mean about Artyjoe having less rights if they don't marry? Actually, if she's the one with more money/assets then she's better off not marrying him in terms of how well off she'd be financially were they to separate: once a couple are married all assets are considered joint assets in the event of separation. However, if say, she stayed at home with the baby for a while and they then separated then yep, she'd be better off had they been married as she would be more likely to get a financial settlement (if she was the main carer) But hey Artyjoe, a lot of negative assumptions there and some of them probably irrelevant!

The law has just changed on parental responsibility: your partner will have full parental responsibility for your child, (so no, he wouldn't have to adopt him/her!) even if you're not married, as long as he comes with you to register the birth. This changed late last year. I'm not married to my dp but he has full parental responsibility for our daughter as a result of this change in the law. I suspect the misunderstanding has come about because of how the law used to stand on this and how a child's birth registration used to happen. For example, when my son was born (97) I wasn't married to his father, so although his name was on the birth certificate he didn't officially have parental responsibility for our son. We subsequently married and because of this had to re-register our son's birth as a 'child of the marriage'. Thus my husband gained parental responsibility. I think the new system's a lot better. It means men can get PR if all parties agree at the time of registration and they can do it without marriage - a good thing I think.

I agree with everyone who says get married if you want to and don't if you don't - that simple! It's SO common for parents not to be married these days that I absolutely don't think there's any stigma attached to it at all. I've no idea why people are horrified but ignore them if you want to leave it a bit or not marry at all. OTOH if you do want to marry I agree, you won't have much time to arrange it once you've got a baby so maybe you could bring it forward if you're keen to do it before the baby's here.

Thanks for all your opinions, it's a real help.

Wickedwaterwitch; You are right,I am the main breadwinner and have the assets, which, after already being divorced and nearly losing my business, it has been one reason behind not marrying. Having said that, a pre-nup will be signed so my assets are covered...lets face it, I said I do once and meant it at the time, and I changed my mind!

Most people who are horrified have said things like 'it will be a Bas*d' and will cause bullying at school and confusion. One reason for confusion may be that my DP has a child from his former marriage who holds his surname, even when married I won't take his name and I wanted our child to have my surname, so both of his children would have different surnames...although his child doesn't live with us full time so wouldn't attend the same schools. It is hard because, selfishly, I want my child to have the same surname name as me.

Our wedding was going to be a very small intimate wedding in the New Forest, so no massive organisation, but I would like to truly enjoy it and not a) be feeling sick like I am now or b) waddling around the dance floor due to big bump!

Thanks for all the information on parental rights, I'll log onto the websites and have a good look through.

My sister is a born again christian so she is obviously horrified, but as I don't share her religion I'm not taking her reasoning on board.

I agree that a loving supportive home, which we definitely have, is far more important than married parents, but not knowing anybody in my position, and getting conflicting views, I felt the need to ensure no damage.

Looking forward to your comments regarding the surnames

Another unmarried mum here with two DS's. The important issue is joint assets.

If you are married then you can mostly relax on that issue. However if unmarried then you need to own your property as joint tenants, have joint back accounts, life insurance etc... or make a will. Otherwise in the worst case scenario your partner could make life difficult or if your partner died without a will then you would have no rights to any of his possessions.

A genuine question: do pre-nups have any legal effect in this country? I would have thought not.

Arty Joe - are you sure a pre-nup is worth the paper its written on in the UK?
Only older folk are likely to think there will be any problems for a "bastard" child - and they would be outdated as this is just as common a situation now as children with married parents!