Consequences of having child out of wedlock?

[artyjoe]

After 9 years of trying I am finally pregnant, but the timing is a bit strange as I was due to marry my long term partner in February, but our child will be born in January, so we have called it off. We were planning to wait until the baby was a few years old and then marry, but we are having conflicting views from friends and family about this. I have looked on Google and can't seem to find anything that isn't related to religion with regards to consequences of having a child out of wedlock.

I was of the understanding that the father loses some paternity rights through this, but my partner has also been told that he would have to adopt the baby once married, surely not!

I didn't think it would be a big thing in this day and age, especially as I have been living with the father for 3 years, but a few people are horrified and say it will cause problems for the child. How?

I don't want a shotgun wedding but I also don't want to affect our child in a negative way. Any ideas, advice or opinion (except religious) would be much appreciated.

Joe

I feel much better now and definitely won't be running down the aisle with a big bump!

It was my own family that used the word Bas*d, but thankfully my DP and I have already decided that one of my parents won't have a part to play in my childs life due to negativity and outdated views that we feel sure would be passed on. It is far more important for my child to have a loving and supportive environment than it is for my father to pass down biggoted and inappropriate views... this comment could now cause an entirely different thread!

We are currently looking into wills and organising life insurance and pensions and hope to have them in force before the baby arrives.

With regards to a pre-nup, I had one in my first marriage and it stood rock solid through our divorce, although having said that, it wasn't strongly contested.

I like the idea of having my DP's surname as a middle name but we've said DP's daughter could give a middle name so the name so far (if a boy) would be...Maxwell-Benjamin, Jonathan, 5 sylable DP'ssurname, 5 sylable surname! probably not enough room on the BC!

With regards to social stigma, two of my friends who have children have mentioned it as has one who doesn't have children, but she is a catholic so I think her reasoning may be religious, and also my mother. I now feel there is enough support here to suggest this is outdated nonsense

Thanks you - Joe

Ooops, sorry if I wasn't v tactful, Artyjoe!

Are your friends worrying about what might have happened when THEY were at school, or what they really believes happens in their children's schools? I have run projects in hundreds of primary and secondary schools and I have never once heard unmarried parents raised as a subject of interest, let alone scorn! Are you in a tiny tight-knit community?

We got married whilst pregnant to make things easier with reagard to registering birth, and so we all had same surname. i guess it is all down to personal choice and if you were planning to why not

Blu; your comments were spot on!

Gothicmama; even when we do marry I don't want to take on my DP's surname and I want our child to have my surname, so even with marriage the surname issue wouldn't be resolved!

My DP was actually going to change his surname to mine but feels he can't as his daughter from his previous marriage has his name.

Our marriage was going to take place in February and the baby is due in January so that really has put paid to the idea, unless we did a quickie registry with a handful of friends, but I don't want to do that.

I'm not sure if my friends attitudes come from fears of what may happen in school rather than what they expect happens, but as they have children and I do not, I took on board their fears. After reading so many supportive messages I feel sure that I am making the right decision in postponing the wedding until the baby can attend.

When getting a new bc for a child after the parents marry, there is also a charge (can't remember how much) and its actually the mother who has to sign as the person who "admits" (grin) she has married the father!

Oh dear can't even do a grin symbol

Joe, so glad you posted this message. I'm in a similar position to Pidge in that I'm unmarried with ds aged 2. My dp has parental responsibility for our son - we filled in the form and went to swear our oaths, all very easy - but it's good to know we won't have to do it again this time (due in July).

However, does anyone know if the thing about being present to register the birth will also apply retrospectively? My sister will be interested in this development as unfortunately her ex-boyfriend was there to register the birth but has subsequently disappeared off the face of the earth apart from phone calls on his daughter's birthdays - so she would far rather he didn't have any legal rights.

I'm sorry to hear you have had some negative comments but luckily that kind of attitude is fast becoming outdated. I'm happy to say that dp and I have hardly had any problems with being unmarried, and certainly nothing that has affected ds.

Best of luck for the pregnancy, birth and the wedding whenever you decide to do it.

Sam