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Original poster

work/life balance - here's a discussion

71 replies

UnquietDad · 16/01/2007 10:08

This is probably more for you SAHMs than anyone else.

Your DH, who works full-time, doesn't spend enough time at home in your opinion. After this has gone on for a while and you've made your feelings clear, he offers to try to increase his time at home - for the sake of argument, say by 20%.

So here's the question - do you want him home a bit earlier each day? Or do you want him to work it so he has an entire day at home with the children - leaving you free to do exactly what you want that day?

Please discuss!

OP posts:

FioFio · 16/01/2007 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

saadia · 16/01/2007 10:11

My feeling is that as dh works to support us and does what he has to further his career for all our sakes I would not place this kind of demand on him. But, if the options you suggest presented themselves I would rather have him home for an entire extra day.

flutterbee · 16/01/2007 10:14

Obviously we are asuming that DH could get home earlier because my DH works 7.30am - 5.30pm Mon-Fri (every other Sat) and I know for a fact he wouldn't be able to shorten his hours unless he changed his job.

If he could then I would like him to be home earlier everyday so that everyone benefits and then once every so often have a whole day off so I could have a child free day (or couple of hours at least)

Original poster

UnquietDad · 16/01/2007 10:24

Oh yes, always assuming it's possible.

I like your answer, saadia!

OP posts:

Ladymuck · 16/01/2007 10:34

Well, it depends on what their timekeeping is usually like. Both of us can end up getting sucked into things at work, so walking out at 4pm probably wouldn't be a daily occurence. It would also be more awkward at work (eg having to turn down meetings or leave part way through meetings even when people could see you). So in theory I might aim to leave 1.5 hours earlier every day. In practice it might only be an hour or even less on 2 or 3 days each week.

As the working partner I would prefer to have a day off each week. That is easier to stick to and I know that I'm not letting my partner down (as I seem to have been nagged into this arrnagement). If I had to leave early each day then I think that I would find this to be a constant pressue. Similarly if I arrived at work late each day there might be some pressure to stay late.

Original poster

UnquietDad · 16/01/2007 10:45

Thanks, ladymuck - I wondered if we might have any input from breadwinning mums.

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 16/01/2007 10:46

oh god someone started this thread without any warning!

Xenia will be along in a minute and I've no chilled vermouth for these martinis

sandcastles · 16/01/2007 10:50

I would have to agree with Saadia.

My dh doesn't work weekends & is home by 4.30pm of an evening, which suits all of us fine.

At the moment is is very hot (40o) here (Oz, for those not in the know) & he is working 6am til 1.30pm (getting home at 2.15pm). Sometimes it's a pain as he sees this time to sit & watch the cricket .

Sometimes him & dd are at such loggerheads, it's like having twin toddlers!!

Cappuccino · 16/01/2007 10:52

I'd go for a bit earlier each day

it's about him being involved in family life

not swanning off for a day every so long

Original poster

UnquietDad · 16/01/2007 10:59

Ok. So.

As they used to say on some programme or other, "here's the thing." The second part of the question.

How many of you would take your DH working 80% of his current office time for 80% of his current salary? With, naturally, all the sacrifices that would entail.

What would you be willing to forgo or cut back on in order for it to happen?

Sneaky way to ask, I know. Please continue to discuss!

OP posts:

sandcastles · 16/01/2007 11:04

We could cope with 80% of his salary, now. We would still be fairly comfortable with that. But in the UK, we couldn't.

I just wouldn't want him at home 20% more. Don't get me wrong, nowt wrong with him/us, but he upsets my routine. I do mostly what I want during my day. My dd comes where I go, I don't feel the need to have a break from her.

Jessajam · 16/01/2007 11:10

I want me to do this! I am FT WOHM ( god, now I'm defining myself by series of letters...not nice!) and I want to reduce hours to a 4 day week, but resultant loss of income means it is a no no for now!

Does the hypothetical DH's hypothetical employer offer flexible working arrangments whereby he could hypothetically work condensed hours in order to hypothetically free up one day a week ( ie still FT but across 4 days not 5). Would mean less time at home 4 days a week to allow a full day at home once a week....

Cappuccino · 16/01/2007 11:11

depends entirely on how much he earned

we couldn't afford it. But if he earned 20% more we could

I would definitely not want to lose another 20% of his time for a payrise; am quite happy to sacrifice the things it could buy for this time

if that answers your question

saadia · 16/01/2007 11:13

ooooohhh that was sneaky

we would probably be OK on 20% less salary but we are both a bit useless with money and as I don't work ATM and have no pension (although do intend to return to work when ds2 is in school full-time), and as dh's career is one where you have to be seen to be putting in the hours and might have some discrimination against more "mature" employees, we would probably both prefer to earn and save as much as possible now as a precaution for the future.

MadamePlatypus · 16/01/2007 11:15

Given the choice I would rather the whole day, but that would involve DH finding a different job which I am not sure exists.

controlfreaky2 · 16/01/2007 11:16

lol at earlier post cappuccino.... have you found the olives yet?
at least she didnt start this thread (which was my assumption when i saw it in active convos....)

unquietdad, i'll have him home earlier esch day please..... but not for less money. ta.

MadamePlatypus · 16/01/2007 11:24

Also I think there are 2 issues here - Am I cross because DH isn't seeing enough of the children, or am I cross because his long hours are stopping me from doing things that I want to do (further education? going to the gym? getting some time on my own? getting a job myself?)

singledadofthree · 16/01/2007 11:26

interesting response - dont suppose many wives would settle for less money. had this problem years ago. worked for up to 100 hours a week and was away for long periods at times. tried all sorts to try to balance the situation but would never take much of a drop in income. needless to say we didnt find a balance. with hindsight would suggest you make time however it suits her and adjust your lifesyle accordingly.

beckybrastraps · 16/01/2007 11:30

Not quite sure what you're really asking here.

I din't tend to nag dh about working fairly long hours, because when he's here he is usually fully engaged with the children.

Without knowing how long the days are, I can't answer as to whether I would like him home earlier (ie if he didn't see the children on weekdays), or to have a full day off. Leaving me to do what? Why would I get a day off and not him?

Anyway. I also don't know what kind of income we're talking about. If dh took an 80% pay drop, I would have to get a job. Simple. If he worked part time and I worked part time that could work. But working part time would limit his career development ATM. And me taking a break right now is helping mine (I'm studying part time), so that wouldn't be ideal.

So basically, I have no idea. I've never felt the need to have this conversation with my dh.

Ladymuck · 16/01/2007 11:33

It really depends on what sacrifices that I'd be giving up and how much they meant to me. Personally I wouldn't give up our family holiday for example. But I would give up school fees if it meant both of us were around more to give input to the dcs. My dh has a hobby budget and if we have to give that up he would be unhappy and fairly miserable to live with, and frankly I wouldn't want to spend even more time with an unhappy dh.

Now can I ask a question (or two)?
Is the reason for wanting my dh around around to have a) more time all together as a family; b) respite time for me; c) more time for dh to spend with the kids?
Because there may be different ways of achieving these, and from my own experience I think you need to know which of these it is that you want. Otherwise your partner may well make sacrifices at work or in their career and you're still not happy. I would also consider options such as childcare during the week to say ensure that the weekend is clear of chores so that both days are fully family days. Or get a cleaner or both!

Also, relatively speaking, family life chanegs hugely as your youngest grows from the age of 0-5+, and you need to think carefully about ensuring that you're keeping career options open where possible.

Dinosaur · 16/01/2007 11:39

I work four days a week and have Wednesdays at home. DH is a SAHD. I think he really likes that one day a week and would not trade that for me coming home earlier in the evenings.

HTH

portonovo · 16/01/2007 11:47

Depends totally on current routines.

If the working partner currently got home very late and rarely saw much of the children during a school week, I would rather he got home earlier every day, eating with the family, having some time with the children and helping with homework/bed routines, and then having a bit of time with me once kids were in bed. Just a normal family life really!

I would feel that would have a better impact on family life than one whole day a week off, unless all your children were pre-school age of course in which case I could see a whole day off would allow time for whole-family things as well as time for that partner to spend just with the kids.

On the money side. If our family could comfortably survive on 80% of salary, with a few cutbacks and good budgeting, I would go for it. If cutting back meant we were living hand-to-mouth or worrying hugely about bills etc, then no.

mumblechum · 16/01/2007 11:48

We could manage a 20% pay cut of DH's salary, but I don't think he would actually spend any more time doing "daddy stuff", as he works weekends and evenings at home just keeping everything ticking over. In practice, therefore, we'd get less money but the time would just be absorbed by the job anyway.

It also depends on the ages of the children,. I think my DH finds little children quite boring, but is happy spending time with ds (12) now, eg will take him away for the weekend sometimes, which means I can do my own thing.

PeterJones · 16/01/2007 11:49

We are both full time WOH parents. DH works in highly pressurised high stress job although not necessarily very hours intensive (fund management industry). He spends 2 days a week abroad. He earns over 2x what I earn. I used to be on the same fast track as him but shifted sideways slightly when we agreed we wanted to have children. I work 5 days a week but have negotiated a 4pm finish every day so I can be at home by 5pm. Our nanny is contracted to work until 6pm although in practice I often tell her to go early.

DH is really good at the weekends but never sees DS in the week and what I would like is for him to commit to being home by 6pm one day week so he could take over from the nanny, bath DS and put him to bed and give me the option of going out straight from work to sing (I sing in a choir and we rehearse sometimes 2x a week at 6.45 in the City)

I loove working, I love my son and I think at the moment I have the balance right. But I would like DH to see him a little more in the week. He could organise himself to do this - and do a couple of hours work after DS is in bed. But so far I have had little success...........

madmarchhare · 16/01/2007 11:58

DH never works weekends and is always home at a reasonable time. He doesnt have to rush off in the mornings either.

OK he is self employed but within someone elses company. He could do more hours and earn more money but we have chosen to live this way.

Some of his colleagues choose to works weekends and 8-8 in the week. Yes they have more money, but I know that the hours they put in causes problems at home.

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