work/life balance - here's a discussion

[UnquietDad]

This is probably more for you SAHMs than anyone else.

Your DH, who works full-time, doesn't spend enough time at home in your opinion. After this has gone on for a while and you've made your feelings clear, he offers to try to increase his time at home - for the sake of argument, say by 20%.

So here's the question - do you want him home a bit earlier each day? Or do you want him to work it so he has an entire day at home with the children - leaving you free to do exactly what you want that day?

Please discuss!

LIVE so independently, that should say. Ahem.

I'm with hmc - we could very easily cope on 80% of dh's current salary - in fact could probably cope on 50%. But there are 2 problems - in his industry 50% work would not equal 50% pay - it's a kind of a sell your soul to the company or not bother coming in place, and his idea is to work 7 more years at this pace (which is leaving house at 6:30, getting back at 6:45 to bath and bed kids then working 8-11 every night and at least 6 hours per weekend, and being out 2 night a week and away at least 2 weeks a year) then be able to retire, giving us all time to be together.
My problem with that is that I'm not sure he will last another 7 years, and I'm not sure his relationship with his kids (and -tbh me ) will survive another 7 years. I do sometimes think I would rather have him here more every day, but be working until he is older, but he is a very driven person, and I don't think he would be happy not giving his job his all. So I put up with it, remind myself that he is doing this for us as well, enjoy the lifestyle that the monetary rewards bring me and hope that in 7 years he is truly able to transfer his devotion to his job to his wife and children.

I think its all the work in between work that bothers me. Work should be left at work. Its insane that companys require more than that. All they care about is the bottom line.

this is probably my biggest struggle right now.

i hate the whole 'here's your hours of work but oh.. wait a minute... they're not' crap. i supposed to work 8am to 4:30am but there is no way in hell i could ever stick to those hours.

i used to do the whole VPN from home stuff but now I'm so local i tend to get off around the right time, come home for dinner, put ds to bed then drive back to work and work a couple hours late at night.

it's ok in regards to being able to cope with workload and expectations... but it's complete and utter crap imo.

this is my biggest gripe in life right now.

I would prefer him to work usual hours for same pay.
DH suddenly coming home earlier would just get in the way of my routine and we'd be skint.
I'm not gonna get on my DH's back about being home at set time every day...he's out working to support us nagging at him is just counter productive.

disappointed because it works so well. and i'm verging on evangelical about it. (though I fully accept I'm talking about people who are lucky enough to be able to afford to do it.) I can't help being a little sceptical as to just how hard people who say they couldn't possibly do it in their particular industry have actually tried. have they asked? DH has done it in the City ffs and he is not alone. rise up and tell your bosses they'll get plenty of you in 4 days. Work does not have to be divided into 5-day units. I just think the world would be a much better place if we had a few less designer kitchens/expensive cars/flash holidays and more time with our kids. (and please don;t jump on me - I know it's not an option for tons of people, but it is for some - including some who say it isn't)

i agree fully with hat woman. you don't get if you don't ask.

and i hate all that 'i'm an important professional and anyone who does work there hours just isn't' crap.

you can try to discuss it with other professionals and you just get that 'well i must be a lot more important/busy because i don't get my work done in the hours' look but they've never actually considered that there work habits are just really crap and they could actually get it all done in the time... but of course if you tell them that they'll just give you the 'look' again!

completely agree - i'm on a fwa in an investment bank - if you don't ask you don't get. too many people just give up. more pioneers please!

lol @ daddycool, know exactly what you mean

Think many of us cross off options for ourselves ...
And agree Daddycool

Prufock - the 7 year plan...my dh says something similar (I will slow down in circa 5 /6 years)...but don't you worry that he won't be able to take his foot off the accelerator because he is so driven? I'm sceptical re my dh...

Yes I worry hugely hmc - but I have to believe him, because if I didn't , I think I would have to give him an ultimatum which would probably end with us separating. I am relying on the fact that he is very all or nothing - and hoping he is as good at the nothing part!

hatwoman, bk, fp - totally agree that it can be done, but it would be impossible in dh's particular job and company, and he doesn't want to do it enough to change either of those things.

My H works in IT. He has always worked long hours, commuted and travelled. We never had any money as he always lived beyond his means - shoot me - but it's true. He's only just realised that spending roughly 500 pounds on Amazon a month is not a good idea. I would willingly have traded money for having him spend time with our boys. He left before they got up and was home after they went to bed. Now he does see slightly more of them, but that's about to change as we're splitting up. Money doesn't buy happiness, it may pay the bills. But right now I'd settle for having a loving stable family.

i'm at work now!

(i'm in north america btw, so i'm not quite as hardcore as you may think but it's still getting on a bit)

DaddyCool whereabouts are you over here????

I'd opt for a whole extra day. My DH is a teacher and his getting home time varies between 4pm and 6pm. On the days he gets home earlier, I feel like we both are then 'on duty' and really just waiting out the time before the children go to bed.

Obviously he gets long school holidays at home with the children but those times are of much more value to me and the children. Either we can plan something as a whole family or I get to go and do something by myself (which annoyingly is usually a study trip to the library) and DH gets the DDs to himself for a whole day, which again, is good for all of them.

BTW - I wasn't answering that question as the wife of a teacher, just using my experience to guess what I would opt for in the scenario of having a husband who worked long hours 5 days per week, without the added bonus of 13 plus weeks of annual leave.

Actually, what I would really like, and what is not possible, is DH to be able to leave the house and start work later in the mornings. He leaves just after 7am and I do not know how I am going to cope with getting both children and myself ready in the mornings when I go back to work!

"And actually some of the reason I want him to work less hard is for his sake. It can't be healthy leaving the house at 07.15 everyday and working until 20.00hrs, and then frequently bringing work home with him"

HMC - that's a very good point. I recently went to visit two old University friends who haven't yet got children. They are both frequently working until 8pm in the evening and they both looked tired and unhealthy for it.