Mornington Crescent?!

[Eggsbutnobacon]

Will somebody please please explain to me what this is all about?

I know you've always been agnostic about Skegness, Andrew, but I was swayed by what the Dalai Lama had to say on the matter; he's always been a very shrewd commentator on all matters MC and no slouch as a player, either.

I feel in the mood for something exotic, and so a spliced transverse Grimble to

St Albans

I unsplice your Grimble, Maud, and this is not the time or the season to be exotic. So I play a Straight Roddington to Hawick where I understand the Under-Secretary is hiding from the rozzers.

Oh yes, there's quite an enclave of fugitives from justice there. I believe the professor of astrophysics has been there since '87, living disguised as a potter, and the Air Vice Marshal arrived last week. So, for the professor

Potters Bar

The tunnelling has proceeded apace and we are now on our way to Kirkcudbright where the Provost and the Dean are in cahoots - you have been warned.

Too long a stay in Potters Bar may be considered a ploy to cause harm to our capital city, as the incident of 1348 when a Mr Whittington imposter lingered, allegedly trying to rename a local street as Rue de Mornington.

So southwards I go courtesy of a rail replacement vehicle to Southgate

Hmm. As it's the 1st of the month, the Metropolitan Line is in Spriggings again and all laterals are void for the next 72 hours. That complicated things somewhat, but I think I can see a way through, if we follow the Burton-Hemsworth Dictum. So, onwards and upwards to

Dollis Hill

Ah, so the pre 1939 rules are being played, or is it the 1916 rules in commemoration of the Battle of the Somme centenary. Time for a G+T regardless.

So off to Preston Road I go.

The 1916 Rules were for the duration of hostilities only (except of course in their application to the Bakerloo line South of Waterloo) so Bridlington is now in reverse.

So it has to be Acton Town - inevitable, I fear.

Inevitable, maybe, but still a move of great delicacy (a little surprising when it comes from Andrew, whose true colours we saw at Potsdam in '76, when the pro-vice chancellor and the molecular biologist were insisting on playing the Trumpington Variant, even on a Friday). Anyway, it leaves me well-placed for a semi-Van Dyke to

Seven Sisters

Maud - When the secret archives of Potsdam '76 are opened you will understand my reasoning and my actions better. That of course cannot happen until the General Secretary's dog dies and Mars is in Orion.

A semi-Van? Good lord, I haven't see one of those since Vladivostok - you know, that time Yeltsin stayed sober for thirty-six hours on the trot, or perhaps everyone else was pissed. Reality is, as we all know (and some better than others, eh Slinky?) an illusion brought about by lack of alcohol.

I complete your semi and take us by a nifty combination of Rule 78(xiii(a)) and Millington's Manoeuvre to Swansea Central. Please retain your platform ticket for inspection. Ladies' and Gentleman's lavatories on Platform 5 but remember that seats cannot be reserved by telephone.

Ah, Swansea. I heard a rumour that the brave Celts are doing quite well in some obscure sporting tournament st the moment, but I don't know any more than that.

It occurred to me yesterday, as I was watching the televisual apparatus with my dear, dear offspring, that the characters on one of their favourite shows spend a great deal of time playing board games together but never, curiously, MC. I feel quite sure that this is an oversight on the scriptwriters' part and intend to send them a telegram forthwith. For now, to set things in train, a Triple Hofstadter to

Del Mar, Pasadena

Pasadena on a Sunday? That is a first.

I think we should return to the Principality and join in their happy throng. Off to Ebbw Vale

Careful Saints - that's a station with a double letter and you have thereby put into force Article XII of Protocol 12 to Rule 16 - putting it simply, and ignoring the subtleties, the next four (or five if you regard the amendments at Wroclaw '97 as correctly passed) stops must also have double letters.

Hammersmith - but of course the next cannot be within the County of London as it was before 1963.

You may think you can stymie us, Andrew, but we are made of sterner stuff.

Huddersfield

So back to London we go then and keeping the double letter rule, are at Totteridge and Whetstone

The third French goal (about which I am informed by the under-butler) excludes London for two plays but double-letter is still in force. Fortunately Northallerton is a very agreeable spot.

The Group-Captain is having a recurrence of the old trouble. I told her to apply more Golden Syrup and stop scratching it. You have to be cruel to be kind, don't you?

No wonder she's itchy if you told her to use golden syrup, Andrew. It's honey that is good for skin complaints, as any fule or ancient Greek kno.

And so on to

Golders Green

Yes, but Golden Syrup makes such a satisfactory mess as every child kno.

Has anyone seen my retractable widget-boiler? I know I was using it on Thursday but I cannot remember where, which is worrying, or with whom, which is more worrying.

Lincoln - and droppings are negative until St Swithin's Day!

Honey for the Bees one thinks. So off to Canons Park where this association football team nicknamed the Bees play.

From Canons Park it has to be Gunnersbury.

Mornington Crescent!!

Do you just yell it, like Bingo?

When the rules permit Moistly - just like in bingo, in fact - which at the moment they don't. You'll know when they do. Or at least the adepts will. Observe and learn!

Chester.

When the rules permit Moistly - just like in bingo, in fact - which at the moment they don't. You'll know when they do. Or at least the adepts will. Observe and learn!

Chester.

Given the date today, ok I know it's not Thanksgiving, but Turkey Street seems apt.

elephant I hope you are not one of those who have fallen for the myth that the American colonies became independent on 4 July. The correct date is 12 May 1784 when the Treaty of Paris came into force.

Eaglescliffe - of course.