If you were pregnant with twins and miscarried one..

[poppiesinaline]

would you tell the remaining twin when they grew up that they would have been a twin? or not?

Why the sceptical face?

yes.
research shows this often has a profound effect on surviving twin.... if they werent told and found out late in life will often say it "makes sense of their feelings of loneliness / loss etc"

Yes I would.

I'm sure I've heard of cases where the surviving twin has always sensed that there was "something" missing or different through their lives (before being told that they were one of twins)

the face is because they aren't a twin but they are. if that makes sense.

They are. And always will be.

I have and I will.

DH and I were having a conversation and he wondered if the surviving twin would just 'know'. But how would you?

yes, i would becuase i beleive in being open and honest with kids as much as possible. Secrets can be destructive, even when well intentioned.

I lost a twin at 24 hours, and dd2 has known since she was young that she had a twin. It's not a deal and we don't talk about it but it's important to her. I asked her and she says (she's 11 and very bright and sensitive) that she'd want to know if even if her twin had died in the womb. Being a twin is a big thing to her and she's proud of it in a funny way.

know that is,if you were the twin.

NAB3, so sorry to hear that.

I think I personally would tell the twin too.

Believe me. They know.

really? thats amazing! kind of weird but weird in a nice way.

My sisters are twins, they have a bond.. one that none of us can ever come near even though there are 5 girls in our family. My cousin would have been a twin & she said that before her granny told her (her mam hadn't) then she always felt like a part of her was missing.

Anyway, if you don't tell a child then it would be a lie. And iirc there was a lady on here who lost one of her twins at birth.. do you suggest she doesn't tell her child he/she had a twin? Insensitive post if you ask me.

I am in this situation and the surviving twin (aged 4 next month) is probably too young to understand this right now, but all my older children know about this (and did from the very start) and it is openly talked about in our house.

No, I wasnt suggesting that someone shouldnt tell there child... DH and I were having a conversation and we just wondered what people did that in that position.

And of course, I am sad for anyone who has lost any child but does that mean that no-one is ever allowed to post asking questions about miscarriage or bereavement?

'their' child that should have been.

Sorry to hear that DG

Nah you go for it poppies! It is an interesting question I think. My ds3's twin was lost very early on (before I had been told I was carrying twins although I had begun to suspect) and I can honestly say that it was so great sadness to me to lose the twin I didn't know I had iyswim. I only wanted a singleton. So, in many ways ds3 could have gone through his life without being told. I was told at the time of my miscarriage by the doctors that many pregnancies - far more than you might think - begin as twin pregnancies and the twin is lost early on. Think about all those women who bleed eearly on in pregnancy....I am not saying they are all losing a twin, but I suspect some are. However, I am very open with my children and think it is nice to be able to tell ds3 that he was special in a way that his siblings are not.

That should say it was no great sadness to me.

I hope the fact that I was not sad will not be construed as insensitive to those who have lost a baby and been upset.

I was meant to be a twin - my mum miscarried very early and wondered why she'd had such heavy bleeding and then I was born with a double afterbirth and so would have been an identical twin. (The details may have been a little bit wrong but that's the gist)

I have no recollection of when my parents told me but it's never been a big deal. I can see that when a child was going through those difficult adolescent years this would be a great excuse to use for feeling 'different' - but doesn't everyone at that age?

I suspect twins are different simply beacuse there's another one of them around - so it shouldn't be a big deal to them. I guess it's better to be told but not too much made of it. Saying that maybe it would be different if the miscarriage was a lot later.

No, I have misunderstand & I apologise. I had read it as if one had died at birth & you were asking if it were right not to tell. I misunderstood. I am sorry.

Its really interesting to hear from both sides. The whole 'twin' thing really amazes me.

Ninja - did you or do you ever feel that 'something is missing' as someone else has posted, ie, if you hadnt been told do you think that you just would have 'known'? iyswim.

thats ok Firefly. Posts are really easy to misunderstand on MN. TBH I did think twice before starting this thread because I am aware of the tragedies that some people on MN have been through and hoped that this would not offend or upset anyone.

No I don't think I would although I think I've tried to at times in my life (I guess just to feel special). Saying that dh (or just h as he is a lot of the time) thinks I'm on the verge of aspergers and emotionally lacking (that's another story) so maybe I was affected. I wonder if a mum's reaction to what had happened would make more of a difference

I lost a twin when I was 9 weeks pregnant, didn't know i was having twins until i started bleeding and was scanned.

Dd1 is 9 now and no I haven't told her as I think she is too young, but I may tell her when she is older.

She did once say, wouldn't it be nice if I was a twin.

It has happened to me twice. I have mentioned to the older dd (she is four in May) in passing but not as a Big Thing.
but yes it important to tell them, for sure

Wow, it is much more common than I thought it was. >

Nutcracker - when do you think you will tell her or havent you thought about it yet? Do you think it will be more of a casual remark or a 'sit down I need to tell you something'. Just wondering.