Opinions regarding my au pair..........please!!

[jmg1]

I have two au pairs, they are aware that if they wish to saty out all night it is fine with me, but they must let me know either before they go out or by phone if they are already out.
About a month ago my 20 year old au pair stayed out all night without letting me know and I was worried, when whe came back in the morning she apologised, but I repeated that if she wished to stay out all night she should let me know, I explained that I was worried about her safety and that if she did it again she would no longer be able to stay here.
About 20:15 last night she went out and said 'I will be back soon'. She stayed out all night and this morning by about 11:00hrs I was on the verge of calling the Police (I didn't and she came back at about 13:00hrs.
Her Agency have said that should be her last chance and I should get another au pair. She has apologised and I feel sorry for her, she comes from a poor country etc but I have three young children to worry about.

Do you understand why I get worried about her safety and do you think I should give her another chance?

I do understand why you would be concerned for her safety Jmg, which is lovely of you, but I do think you should give her another chance. She was only out for about 5 hours, so it wasn't really overnight was it? Maybe you should ask her to call you if she is going on somewhere after the pubs shut?

And can you ask her what the decent clubs are in Guildford please? Preferably those that let in 30 something women who make fools of them selves on the dance floor quite happily. Thanks

lou no she was out for about 17 hours.

I can probably sniff out some bars for you.

I too would feel some responsibility for these youngsters in a foreign country.
It is very reasonable to ask them to let you know if they stay out - explain why you want them to inform you ie safety/ good manners etc but if they cannot be relied on to do this it would make me jumpy about relying onthem for other things.

JMG - we had the exact same situation a few weeks ago - our au pair went out to the gym - is normally back by 10.30 and still wasn't when we went to bed (11 ish)
I tried calling her/ texting but her phone was off.
We went to bed, but I lay awake until 12.30 when I woke dh and said should we call the police. He was about to go out in the car to check her route home when we heard her come in.
In the morning she was really really upset and apologetic (she's got her text then!) and we discussed the fact that we were so worried etc.
We've had no problems since.

our rules are simple - if she's out all night she has to let us know so we can lock up. If she's going to be later than we expect she must text us.

Perhaps give her ONE last chance, butm ake it really clear what you expect? It's only fair - you have enough to worry about!

Yep, I understand exactly why you'd be worried. She's in a foreign country and probably not used to the local ways. There are also men (present company excepted, jmg!) who would take advantage of this.

Do you feel up to possibly going through this again? I can understand why you feel sorry for her though. Tough decision.

Oops sorry I read the times wrong, of course 13.00 = 1pm! Sorry. In that case I would be v cross, and probably give her a final warning type thing. It definitely is out of order to be awol that long. Scoobysnax is right. If she can't be relied on to do something as basic as letting you know where she is, how can she be completely trusted in other areas?

Bars, yes please (with dancing ). No places where sad sweaty businessmen sit and ogle all night tho thank you very much. And I won't go anywhere where men have to where a shirt and tie to get in.

Wear not where.

LOL at "sad, sweaty businessmen". You'll give jmg a complex!

Can see why you are worried but to be fair to your au pair I was just as thoughtless and irresponsible when I was 20 ? isn't that the point of being away from home for the first time?
Bit difficult when she's acting as an au pair though, which I wasn't. Was she supposed to be looking after your children today, or is it mainly her personal safety you are concerned about?
I'd probably err on the side of having one last very serious conversation about this and making it clear one more incident like this and she'll have to go. And then sticking to it, just as you would with a younger child.
HTH

Agree, whether its daytime or night. You should know approximately what time she will be home or have a call / text to tell you differently. I'd tell her if she does it again, you'll have to let her go
Good luck!

Lou, isn't the Cider House still open in Godalming? Its years since I went, but I had a few good nights there!

Ooops! Am sure Jmg is not the type I am thinking about. The ones who has a belly lower than their waist and a shirt too tight at the neck, sweaty top lip, slip on shoes, that sort of stuff.

Please tell me I have not just described you jmg !

Never seen it Lisa. Can you recall where it was, or were you always too sloshed?

He'll never admit to fitting the description now! We'll have to rely on WK for information.

lou that is me! but you forgot about the way I brush my hair up and over to cover the bold patch

There is a very popular (with men and women) over 25's bar called Bar36 it is at the Carlton Hotel and has a dance area where you might catch me in a sweat midnight with a bottle of wine in my hand!
only kidding!

Aha! So will jmg now change his talk-name to Comb-Over Man?

Maybe wk should give me a make over but where would she stop!

I bet you point your fingers at the ladies and pretend they are guns, then blow the "smoke" afterwards don't you? Do you wear a gold heavy chain?

Wk would have you dressed up as the gimp in Pulp Fiction faster than you could say combover.

If you're one of those men with chest hair poking out of the top of your shirt, I'm sure WK could be persuaded to wax it for you. Do you have a medallion on too?

3 medallions, a stick on hairy chest lots of gold rings and a big fat, wait fot it ladies..................................smelly
cigar
and chat up lines like 'do you come here often' and 'fancy a f**k?'
'NO'
'Well do you mind lying down while I have one'

You sound like the Kevin "Bloody" Wilson song "Do you f**k on first dates?"

We female MN'ers are now swooning at that image. "'Ere darlin'. You've pulled."

I don't know, I start a serious thread I get led astray by wayward woman and look what happens the thread gets dragged into the depths.

Ooooh! I've never been described as wayward before. Led astray indeed....

Shall I get your thread back on track and say:

WHAT SHOULD JMG DO ABOUT HIS AU PAIR?

aside from wondering about jmg's BOLD patch oohh err
you need a serious discussin make sure she is aware that it is not tolerable for you. If she has a mobile can she call or make prior arrangements to stay out later if she is with friends...
I think it is unfair to expect her to be in every night, but it is not fair of her to take the piss
when you are genuinely worried for her safety
Is it really ok to go clubbing when over 30?
FABULOUS!!! Which counties is it ok in, cos it ain't seem to be so here in Hants!!!
I feel a MN night out coming on in this general direction

Not read rest of replies so sorry if I am repeating what others have said.

IMO you are quite right to be worried, I believe that an au pair is supposed to live as part of your family (rather than an employee) and as such should be subject to your "parental" guidance. I think you are entirely reasonable, but nevertheless I would give her one more chance.

Why did she not call you? Did you ask her? Was she worried about disturbing you in the night? Or just didn't care. I would question her about this and then remove obstacles ie if she says she is worried about disturbing you then say it doesn't matter, she is disturbing you much more by allowing you to lie awake all night worrying. If she says she had no credit on her phone then tell her to reverse the charges from a pay phone etc etc.