Opinions regarding my au pair..........please!!

[jmg1]

I have two au pairs, they are aware that if they wish to saty out all night it is fine with me, but they must let me know either before they go out or by phone if they are already out.
About a month ago my 20 year old au pair stayed out all night without letting me know and I was worried, when whe came back in the morning she apologised, but I repeated that if she wished to stay out all night she should let me know, I explained that I was worried about her safety and that if she did it again she would no longer be able to stay here.
About 20:15 last night she went out and said 'I will be back soon'. She stayed out all night and this morning by about 11:00hrs I was on the verge of calling the Police (I didn't and she came back at about 13:00hrs.
Her Agency have said that should be her last chance and I should get another au pair. She has apologised and I feel sorry for her, she comes from a poor country etc but I have three young children to worry about.

Do you understand why I get worried about her safety and do you think I should give her another chance?

When I was in my teens I stayed with a family (as part of the family) as their groom, we had similar agreements about staying out and whatnot. I broke the agreement twice and was given a written warning - nothing nasty, just enough to make exactly clear what behaviour was expected of me, and why. TBH, it made me cry, feel utterly ashamed and have a think about where my priorities lay - and it worked. In hindsight it was a good way of making clear exactly where we each stood and that if I did it again, I'd be out!

Well as a former 18 year old au pair I probably have a different take on this. I too stayed out all night from time to time (no really, it's true).

I think it is is very reasonable to have a curfew when she has to work the next day. If she's off the next day, it's different though. At 20, if you can trust her to take care of your kids, can't you trust her to take care of herself? She is an adult.

Kate,
I understand what you are saying, but when you have someone younger than you, ie could be your own child (sorry jmg1 have no idea how old you are) you do worry about them and feel a sense of responsiblilty, and therefore they have to feel a sense of responsiblilty to that, and let people know that they are safe.

A single parent does not need the additional worry of an au pair that does not come home.

kalex, I'm also a single parent. If I employed an au pair, of course I would be concerned about her safety, but I would hope I would trust her enough to make good judgements.

I think that regardless of her age, it is curteous to let you know if she is going to be out all night. When I was at university, my roommates and I always let each other know if we were going to be out all night. And even now, if my dh goes out with a friend, he will call if he is going to be late (he wouldn't dare stay out all night!), even if I will be asleep when he comes home and wouldn't know the difference anyway. That way if I do wake up I don't worry.
I agree with others that a written warning might be the best way to deal with it.

I had two au pairs last year. The first one was 28 and Italian and here for a 12 week stint. She trotted in one evening at 1.30am having taken a bus and walked by herself from the Finchley Rd. I said to her the day after, I would rather you stayed with a friend or was seen home safely by a friend(s) to make sure you are okay. She thought it was a big joke and laughed it off. I told her that London is v.different to Turin where she was from and had she heard of the date rape drug, etc, and that there are lots of nutters in London (you just need to read the local paper). She was socialising around Picadilly with other Au Pairs and I just got the impression that she was niave. Got a friend of mine who is fluent in Italian to speak with her just to make sure she understood and she had but didn't agree with me.
Then took on a 20 year old Czech Au Pair who had a boyfriend she would stay with on the weekend/nights off. One night she stayed out all night, switched off her phone and didn't text me. Came back the next day, as fresh as a daisy and said she had sent me a text. Such attitude.
These girls have no idea what it is like to be a mother and also what danger they could be in. They can be v.niave and selfish too and just want to enjoy themselves.
I was pregnant last year and v.tired and would wait until the AuPair was back home before setting the alarm. My DH and I were followed home one night and were robbed at knifepoint by 3 men in balaclavas in our own home, so I have reason to err on the side of caution. I realised from these 2 Au Pairs that I do not have the patience for young girls who have another agenda and I would not again have somebody young live in.
Jmg1, I don't think people change. You may give her another chance and she may blow it but it's up to you. I would be v.straight with her, like to the Italian girl I said, when you open the front door, and it's dark and if you are followed, not only are you putting yourself in danger but also me and my DD. My DH was away alot.
I have just Previewed my Message and I think I sound really neurotic!!

She has told me that she didn't say she would be out all night because was too drunk. It is not the staying out all night I have a problem with, it is the fact that she went out just after 20:00hrs and said 'I will be back soon' but did not return for 17 hours. For all I knew she could have been lying in a gutter somewhere. If she had contacted me to say I will be out all night then no problem at least I would know she was ok and had planned on staying out. My mind and her agency says she should go but I know she would have to go home and in my heart I don't want to do that to her.

jmg, how good is her English? Does she really understand exactly what you're trying to tell her? Can the agency tell her in her own language? (And also be the ones to tell her she's on her last chance? She might take it more seriously coming from them.)

Ummm, when I was 20...and, ChicPea, 28, I was continually out late / all night in foreign countries, having a whale of a time. Didn't you go on holidays abroad at that age away from your parents???? Walking home in Fichley at 1.30 doesn't sound that scary TBH, I think you need a system that recognises the reality of behaviour of young single folk, that they warn you that they might not be in, or whatever, but unless you have worries that they are unreliable with the kids, I would stop being so mother-hennish!

I agree, I sound daft, and I felt safe when I was 20-28 but I have had a nasty experience in my own home and this has left a lasting impression.
I think that Au Pairs can be fantastic and of course they need to enjoy themselves and have a social life in their free time. It was my DH that put me under pressure to have an Au Pair thinking and extra pair of hands would help and I did organise one to join us with an open mind. As I said before, I don't have the patience for this sort of help and so I won't waste an Au Pair's time nor mine!
Maybe jmg1 you could make sure the agency, if they have someone who speaks the Au Pair's language, explain to her that if she doesn't return home then you will worry. You just need to know, even by text that she is okay.

blu, i think a holiday situation is v. different from being an au pair tbh. if you have one, the relationship is supposed to be "in loco parentis" and you are supposed to treat the au pair as one of the family. i would also be concerned if it were me - not to mention p*ed off it it were a work night.