Help with well-meaning MIL

[macneil]

It's me who's the bitch, I promise. She is a very nice woman, and my husband has suffered nearly a month of my mum being here with me post-c-section, although my mum always gives the baby to me, and shopped for us, and got out the way as much as she could. God, that was traumatic, though, she drove DH mad and he wanted me to tell her off and tell her to stop doing the things that annoyed him, and she cried and now she thinks he's a controlling ass. In some ways this is not a totally untrue assumption, but I love him. I'm madly in love with my mum, though, and I wish he'd made it easier for me, and not forced me to join him in criticising her. I do know she can be annoying.
Annnnyway, the tables have turned, his parents are here now, staying in a hotel that's a 5 min bus ride away and haven't hired a car. They're also being good and giving us some space, but I think will be here about 6 hours a day. Here are some of the things I have trouble with:

1. she holds the baby for hours, and the baby gets hot
2. she holds her horizontally with her head lolling in a way I think looks dangerous
3. DH is going away on business for 2 days from tomorrow, and I'm worried they'll come and help out for those 2 days and I'm bad without DH there. Today they stayed away - because they are being sensitive and nice - but that means they won't want to stay away in the next two days and it will just be me and them.
4. they are desperate to take DD out in the pram and she hasn't been outside yet except 5 mins to go to the doctor and it makes her eyes weepy, and it's VERY cold here questions: should I just let her hold the baby long and weird? She has had her own children and has 2 other grandchildren, none of whom have broken necks. But my baby is so tiny. Am I being a controlling freak? Is there a nice way to say 'put her down now' all the time? Is it safe for them to take DD for a walk? How long for a first time walk? How do I strike the balance between fighting the cold and not overheating? Any tips on any of these issues would come in handy. My in-laws mean well and are nice, but I find them really hard work, even so. They do really hate their dils, basically, and think we are guttersnipes who don't deserve their sons... but you know, honestly, in quite a nice way. They're also crazily competitive with my parents in terms of how much attention/access we give, but that's because I really adore my parents, and my DH is a grown man, so a bit more distant from his.

Although you sound pretty sorted and reasonable and empathetic, etc. I do think the things you are worrying about are very minor.

Unless the woman is a complete imbecile your dd won't come to any harm.

Take some layers of your dd when she is being held for hours and go get some sleep yourself.

Don't worry about the head lolling too much or offer your MIL a cushion for support.

Really don't worry about the cold - get her wrapped up well and put a raincover on the pram.

Sorted.

New Mums are often over anxious - don't worry - the doting Grandma won't let your baby come to any harm

I like the 'sorted', because it just sounds nice and sensible and caaaalm. You're absolutely right, I am being nuts. I just live in constant fear of accidentally killing the child, so assume everyone else will as well. Okay, I'm going to just shut the eff up and try to think nice thoughts, it's only another 10 days.

About the head thing, just gently say next time "oh, baby prefers being held like this" and readjust her. For the walks, fresh air will do her the world of good, you can make sure shes wrapped up nice and warm If baby gets hold while being held, take some layers off... and just add or take away shawls/blankets. 2 days isn't that long either... take advantage and catch up on sleep?

xXx

I know a 42 year old new mum - a Divorce Lawyer, very together person - who apparently won't go to sleep if she's alone in the house with her baby! MAD!! But that's easy for me to say - my 2 have somehow survived having me as a mother for 13 years

hot, not hold

I totally understand the divorce lawyer's position and don't think I'll sleep the nights DH is away. I've slept very little since she was born because I lie awake listening to her noises, then I lie awake listening out for another noise to make sure she's still alive, then I get up and check she's still alive. Okay, it is official I AM BEING NUTS.

How old is your DD now? Do you have a bundleme or something similar? How cold is it there.

We took DS out in all weather (sometimes it was minus 20c) but he was always well wrapped up with only his eyes peeping out. We would put him in the stroller, in a bundleme and put the rainshield over the top to keep the wind out. He was always really snug in theie & I never worried about him being too cold. If anything, he would get quite warm.

I don't think you're being a control freak as I know how hard it is with in-laws. I would hate to be alone with mine for 2 days! BUT, I would try and take advantage of an extra pair of hands. Can you (or DH) show MIL how you like to hold DD? Or say, "this is how the dr said to hold her". Both sets of grandparents were quite good if we began sentences with, "well over here they do it like this..." or "we were advised to do it this way..."

I hope your visitors make life a bit easier for a couple of days. Try not to get stressed about it. And, we're all here at this time of day if you need to vent!

And I did the same - I would complain that DS kept me awake all night with his grunts and squeaks but if he stopped, I'd have to get up and check on him, maybe even give him a little poke to make sure he was still alive!

macneil - don't worry - we've all been there. It's very stressful being a new Mum. Enjoy the time you have to relax when your kind mil is looking after the baby

Take a look at another active convo - 'newborns - the things they don't tell you'. At least it'll make you smile & know that you're not alone!

Haha, that thread is fantastic!

She's a month old now, but was born at 38 weeks, and is still pretty tiny. You're all absolutely right that she could do with the vitamin D and change of air. And they'll feel pleased if I trust them with her first outing, so it'll be worth it.

Weather says 11 degrees C, which doesn't feel right at all... I am quite a weed, though. Oh, I've looked up bundlemes as well. I don't have one of those, but I do have velvet/very padded suits, one brought by MIL. So if I dress her in a normal little sleepsuit with feet, and pop that in the big padded thing with hood, and pop her in the carrycot on top of the buggy, that won't kill her in either direction? Too cold/too hot, I mean?

Take some clothes off your baby, let her hold her for hours if she wants to, and get a rest yourself. If you want to hold her yourself then fair enough, but a choice between a warm loving human and a cot - I think you know which she would choose if she could talk.

I loved the fact that ds was held almost continuously for his first few weeks of life.

As for taking her out, isn't it time that you had a bit of a walk out too? Then you have the ideal excuse for going home after a quick trip around the block.

It's 11 degrees - that's not cold at all.

She'll be fine outside - the fresh air and light will do her the world of good. Don't worry about her being too cold - wrap her up well - but not too well, 11 degrees isn't really cold, you know! I was told that the best way to check whether a baby is too hot or cold is to feel the back of their necks or their tummy. Should be comfortably warm. If not, add or subtract layers. It's better to be a little bit too cool than too hot.
Try to relax - easier said than done, I know! I used to take my two winder babies out in all weathers from 2 days old, because I got complete cabin fever if I didn't. I figured it was better for them to be a bit chilly for a while than to have a mother who was climbing the walls!

"If you want to hold her yourself then fair enough, but a choice between a warm loving human and a cot "

Okay, just ONE more dumb question: is this true? Isn't it bad to hold them all the time? I want to pick mine up constantly, but feel I should leave her alone in her little bed to sleep more, and that picking her up would just be for my benefit.

nooooo! newborns barely know they're out of the womb and separate to you. I don't think you can hold them enough (and even though you can't imagine it at the moment, before too long you'll long for cuddles and they won't want them. Get the cuddles in while you can!) Of course if you have one that will sleep in the cot that's brilliant too - I'd have loved one of those, mine wanted to be held constantly.

"just be for my benefit. "

Babies are cute for a reason - so they are cuddled lots, it's important for survival. They are also much too young to learn anything from being put in a cot - they simply don't have the frontal lobe action in the brain. So cuddle away.

And for your benefit is a valid reason too you know.

try and relax and get a rest when your PLI have the baby,

you'll appreciate it when they've all gone and your up half the night!

being extremely anxious is all part of being a new mum, trust me.

One of mine wanted to be held all the time - so I did. The other loved to stretch out like a starfish in his basket, and later on his futon. Find what suits your baby and you, don't think about what you should do, or "training". And if anybody says "you're making a rod for your own back" or "You're spoiling that child" ignore them. You are making a secure happy person who's earliest memories will be of warm loving arms and of having her needs and wants met. What could be better than that?

I think if you could bring yourself to let them take her out for a walk that would be fantastic. At a month both mine were out all the time. It will be good for DD, with the added bonus that the ILs are getting to spend time with her, but are not sat around the house with you. Maybe agree length of time, because I fear you may worry if they are longer than you expect.