Help with well-meaning MIL

[macneil]

It's me who's the bitch, I promise. She is a very nice woman, and my husband has suffered nearly a month of my mum being here with me post-c-section, although my mum always gives the baby to me, and shopped for us, and got out the way as much as she could. God, that was traumatic, though, she drove DH mad and he wanted me to tell her off and tell her to stop doing the things that annoyed him, and she cried and now she thinks he's a controlling ass. In some ways this is not a totally untrue assumption, but I love him. I'm madly in love with my mum, though, and I wish he'd made it easier for me, and not forced me to join him in criticising her. I do know she can be annoying.
Annnnyway, the tables have turned, his parents are here now, staying in a hotel that's a 5 min bus ride away and haven't hired a car. They're also being good and giving us some space, but I think will be here about 6 hours a day. Here are some of the things I have trouble with:

1. she holds the baby for hours, and the baby gets hot
2. she holds her horizontally with her head lolling in a way I think looks dangerous
3. DH is going away on business for 2 days from tomorrow, and I'm worried they'll come and help out for those 2 days and I'm bad without DH there. Today they stayed away - because they are being sensitive and nice - but that means they won't want to stay away in the next two days and it will just be me and them.
4. they are desperate to take DD out in the pram and she hasn't been outside yet except 5 mins to go to the doctor and it makes her eyes weepy, and it's VERY cold here questions: should I just let her hold the baby long and weird? She has had her own children and has 2 other grandchildren, none of whom have broken necks. But my baby is so tiny. Am I being a controlling freak? Is there a nice way to say 'put her down now' all the time? Is it safe for them to take DD for a walk? How long for a first time walk? How do I strike the balance between fighting the cold and not overheating? Any tips on any of these issues would come in handy. My in-laws mean well and are nice, but I find them really hard work, even so. They do really hate their dils, basically, and think we are guttersnipes who don't deserve their sons... but you know, honestly, in quite a nice way. They're also crazily competitive with my parents in terms of how much attention/access we give, but that's because I really adore my parents, and my DH is a grown man, so a bit more distant from his.

'nooooo! newborns barely know they're out of the womb and separate to you.'
Now THAT sounds paranoid! Newborn babies love cuddles but don't much care who's giving them - especially if they smell of stale milk!

Okay, new excuse needed. They want to know if they can come and stay in our place for a night and we can go and stay in their hotel for a night, to give us the chance to catch up with a little sleep. I still can't breast feed and everyone knows it! Can I say I still need to try her on the breast at every feed? Gosh, I hope my husband hasn't told them the bf counsellor just told me not to do that today. Unfortunately, DH dicks on a lot to them about how he does all the night time feeds because he is so kind.

Hmmm, I wouldn't have needed an excuse. The answer would simply have been NO.
No one would have seperated me from my baby for a full night at that young age.

That sounds harsh, but that is just how i felt when my two were very small. Nothing would have seperated me from them.

No - not harsh! I'm all for having some time to yourself away from baby, but a night away is another matter at that age. You wouldn't relax so no point.

Just say I'm not ready to be away from her overnight yet, as soon as I am I'll let you know!

No. Your baby needs you to be close and you need that too. She's very young. It's a bit unreasonable to expect you to leave her, although I expect they mean well. Maybe they could cook dinner for you instead and give you a rest that way? Or hold her while you take a nap during the day?

Agree with saying, thank you but you are not ready to leave her overnight. I didn't leave either of mine until they were 1 and then with DH at first. They were both well past 1 before they started overnighting with grandparents. I love it when they do now though!

Oh good, that's a fairly resounding I'm-not-being-nuts-this-time. I don't think it'll be very hard to tell them this isn't a good idea, then, as it was offered as a favour. I think it was because my mum stayed with me in the early days after the birth, and MIL wants to, if not compete, be equally helpful.

The trouble is, as I've said before on some thread, when my mum comes to help with the baby, she means she's going to do all my laundry and make my bed and fill the fridge with groceries, and when my MIL suggests the same, she means she's going to sit with the baby while I do those things. But it is very hard to walk into another woman's kitchen/laundry bin and start helping, so I don't think she's being selfish, although she obviously wants baby time. I know it works the other way around too for a lot of people with their mums/MILs.

Oh, I empathise. My MIL is the same, in fact so was my sister. They all wanted baby time & thought they were helping me by holding DS when what I really needed was someone to vaccuum & clean the bathroom!

My mum was great though - she'd bring me a cup of tea then potter off to mop the floors.

Good luck with the rest of the visit!

dd is one now and i still haven't spent a night away from her. dh and i wouldn't want to, tbh, she's LOVELY. i think it's weird of them to think that you'll want to. just say that you're not ready to give up on the bfing yet so you don't want to be away from the baby at night when the prolactin levels are highest.

my boys are 8 and nearly 6 and I've never spent a night away from them

have no-one to leave them with

but TBH can't understand mums who can leave their babies wily nily at a young age, even if I had Mary Poppins in the wings I couldn't have left them

I'd politely decline MIL's offer, tell her maybe one day but not yet.

fortyplus I said 'nooooo! newborns barely know they're out of the womb and separate to you.'
but I didn't actually say or mean that only you should cuddle them though....obviously cuddles from anyone will usually do. Slightly at that been taken as 'paranoid' to be honest. I'd let anyone hold DD to give me a rest when she was a miserable newborn.

I expect the ILs are just trying to offer help macneil but don't leave her overnight until you're ready - when you are ready (even if that's ages away) it will be a lovely treat - ask them to save it up until then!

Didn't you spot the ????
Now you really are being paranoid!

snowfunwhenyoureknackered - must be hard. Don't they have any school friends where they could go for a sleepover? I'm very lucky - my Mum (and Dad when he was alive) live about 1.5 miles away and are doting grandparents. DS1 stayed the night with them from about 9 months old (couldn't before that as I was breastfeeding and my boobs would've exploded!) Ds2 ia 18 months younger so we did have a couple of years when my parents felt they couldn't cope with having two to stay the night.
Even though I have this 'babysitting service' freely available, my boys started staying the night at friends' houses when they were about 7 - and of course we have their friends here. Several of the families have no one else locally so have always been pleased to have the chance to get out for the evening, knowing that their child(ren) is/are safe and having a good time with friends they trust.

ps In laws have never babysat for us - not even once. Nor did they ever change a nappy or do a feed.

the oldest has sleepovers but the 5 yr old still climbs into bed with us every night so isn't ready for a sleepover yet!! have tried to break this but he breaks us first!!

have no-one nearby that helps, parents too too old, siblings 400 miles away or no use at all.

we both find it very very hard and draining, our boys are very active and quite demanding and the pressure on us never goes away.

luckily dh and I get on brilliant and totally support each other, otherwise I think I'd go crazy. I also look after my old mum, my older siblings live far away and show absolutely no interest in giving me a hand, and believe me I've asked!!

Am actually extremely jealous of people with lots of family/family help near by them, live seems so much easier for them to me. I'm a bit irrational about it actually and sometimes I need to bite my tongue, I know its no-one's fault the situation dh and I are in. Its just us both having old parents and no siblings near we'd ever leave the kids with (trust me I'm not being daft, I mean siblings who have been in prison custody etc. that I wouldn't leave a dog with...)

Keep thinking it'll get easier but so far it hasn't.........................

If yours is a bit clingy then the trick is to get a more confident friend to stay with you first. Then arrange for yours to go to play for the day at friend's house. Go to pick up near bedtime but you've secretly arranged that yours can stay the night if they want to. So then you ask if they want to stay the night and they have their friend jumping up and down with excitement egging them on. Worked for us - once they've done it once they're keen to repeat it.
Maybe 5 is a little young, though - leave it another year.

will do!

ok sorry
those emoticons don't always work like that and now I look like I have a total sense of humour failure...

MrsJohnCusack - I'm still smiling - hope you are too

snowfunwhenyoureknackered - shame about your siblings! dh's have never had our kids, either. My brother does now that they're older.
No... by far your best bet will be school friends - shouldn't be too much longer!