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Original poster

hate being a lesbian

33 replies

dodgydonut · 18/05/2004 20:25

Hi everyone, this is so difficult. Regular poster but changed my name for this.

For a while I have been confused about my sexuality. I have had crushes on women before but then thought it was just that they were like mother / sister figures to me as they had helped me so much and I don't have any real friends or family.

I have recently had a baby and became really close to my midwife but wasn't sure if I was lesbian because I thought it was just her not women in general. Then I remembered other women I'd felt really close to but again kidded myself into thinking it was just mother figure sort of thing and have thought I wouldn't actually want any sexual activity or kissing or anything.

However since my midwife discharged me, I have been thinking about her all the time, and really miss her. Today I was thinking about all the people I have fancied and realised there have just been a few men and loads of women and that men have never been able to satisfy me anyway and I have just started thinking about sexual activity again after not being interested for ages but can't see me actually doing anything with a man.

I do have a partner and he is lovely and I have told him and hes fine about it, the relationship has been dead for ages, we only had sex to have a baby, but I hate being a lesbian. I feel so embarassed, dirty and ashamed of myself and at the same time desperate to meet a lesbian partner.

OP posts:
nikcola · 18/05/2004 20:29

hi, first of all you are not dirty and you shouild not be embarassed, you cant help the way you feel, have you actually had a relationship with a woman yet? xxx

NomDePlume · 18/05/2004 20:40

Hi dd

Please don't be embarassed or ashamed of yourself, homosexuality is not dirty and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

It is great that you have a partner who is making things quite straight forward for you and is being very supportive and understanding. Are you two actually talking about separating ? TBH, I would finish the relationship with DP, and get myself back on track. Once you and baby are settled then I would look into widening my circle of friends with a view to dating.

Don't rush into anything.

Hugs
NomDePlume / WSM

Original poster
dodgydonut · 18/05/2004 20:41

thanks nikcola,

no, I havent had a relatiosnhip with a woman yet but would very much like to try one!

OP posts:
Original poster
dodgydonut · 18/05/2004 20:46

sorry nondeplume, posts crossed.

Thanks for your response.

I have been been raped in the past, I don't know if this has anything to do with why I prefer women.

OP posts:
nikcola · 18/05/2004 20:48

my step sister is gay and our family has come to terms with it very well she is lovely and trust me she is very proud to be gay and so should you ! if you did meet a girl that you really liked and had a gay relationship would you stll stay with your partner ?do you love him ? sorrt if im being nosey

nikcola · 18/05/2004 20:50

sothat must opf been teribble for you hugsxxxx did you go to counciling afterxxxxx

essbee · 18/05/2004 20:50

Message withdrawn

essbee · 18/05/2004 20:51

Message withdrawn

Original poster
dodgydonut · 18/05/2004 20:52

Not sure if I love him or not but he said a long time ago he didnt love me anymore and have just been friends for a long time. where I live at the moment I would not cope on my own with a baby, loads of stairs very demanding baby, and also I wouldn't want him to misss out on babys milestones

OP posts:
nikcola · 18/05/2004 20:56

you could come on your on i gave so far (long story) if he doesnt love you, you cant stay together its not fair on you XXXX p.s he wouldnt miss out on the baby he could see him/her all the time

nikcola · 18/05/2004 20:58

so sorry im trying to stuff food into a stuborn little girls mouth while typing at the same time that was ment to say you could cope on your own xxxxxxxxxxxx

aloha · 18/05/2004 21:07

Maybe some counselling might help you right now. That's not me saying you aren't gay. You probably are, but there are a lot of issues in your life - your partner, your baby, your sexuality, your lack of a family of your own, and some sympathetic counselling might help you find your feet right now.

Original poster
dodgydonut · 18/05/2004 21:09

Thanks for your post essbee and aloha thank you too. I agree I need some counselling but would be far too embarassed to admit mys exulaity concerns. It has taken me ages to put it on here

OP posts:
Davros · 18/05/2004 21:16

In this day and age of technology is there any way you can find friendly lesbian contacts on something LIKE mumsnet without having to commit yourself in person too much? There must be something and others who can relate to how you feel and there may be meet ups too! Lots of luck and hope you can sort your life out and start a fun gay life if that's what you decide you want

maomao · 18/05/2004 21:23

Please don't feel dirty and ashamed --- feel PROUD. You are dealing with many things right now, a new baby, your sexuality, an old relationship, and a rape in the past. You are very courageous. I agree that counselling could help you sort thru things because there's so much going on.

nightowl · 18/05/2004 23:22

there's nothing at all wrong with being gay. its not filthy or disgusting. i would reckon on 90% of people not being entirely straight anyway...most of my friends have admitted to being quite happy to venture into that arena. it is possible that hormones could be getting to you but if its not that then hey so what? i dont know of any sites you could visit so im not much help but i just wanted to offer my support....dont be ashamed..you are who you are.

KateandtheGirls · 18/05/2004 23:30

Please don't feel dirty and ashamed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.

I can't imagine going through a rape. It must be devastating. But while it could understandably put you off men, I wouldn't think it would make you have sexual feelings for women. If you really are gay, that must be a seperate thing.

Good luck with everything.

nightowl · 18/05/2004 23:57

ive never been raped as such but i was sexually abused when i was a teenager and it didnt put me off men...i wouldnt imagine that would be the reason...i surpose it would depend on how long you've had these feelings? really, dont worry if you are gay or bisexual, its not anywhere near as taboo as it was some years back.

motherinferior · 19/05/2004 09:17

Like everyone else who's posted here, the first thing I want to say is please, don't feel ashamed of being attracted to women. I'm not a lesbian but lots of my friends are (heard that one before, eh?) and seriously, a more gorgeous bunch of women you'd be hard put to find.

But also like everyone else, I think you sound very unhappy and confused - quite honestly after your rape, no wonder - so it would probably help to talk it over with someone professional.

beansprout · 19/05/2004 11:22

I'll come out and say I have had relationships with women in the past. Am settled with dp now and it's no secret from him. The most important thing you can do (IMO) is to accept how you feel. The worst kind of life is one where you are not true to yourself. The fear of judgement we have from others is really nothing compared to how we judge ourselves.

That said, this can be a difficult thing to come to terms with (took me a while!). There are lots of organisations that can offer support and advice. None of them are in the business of trying to push you in a direction you don't want to go in, but they will be people who understand and give you support.

Good luck and be happy!!

Original poster
dodgydonut · 19/05/2004 14:06

thank you all so much. I expected lots of responses but that was because I thought nobody would be able to resist reading and commenting on a subject like this as they would find it either funny, weird or disgusting. I didnt expect so much support. You are all lovely, thanks

OP posts:
serenequeen · 19/05/2004 14:12

hi dd

sorry to hear you are going through it at the moment. agreeing with most people here:

absolutely nothing wrong with being a lesbian - so sad you feel "embarrassed, dirty and ashamed". as you can see, no-one here feels that way.

do consider counselling to cope with the aftermath of the rape - who knows how this could (or could not) be affecting your feelings about yourself, your partner and your sexuality. i'm sure it would help.

good luck.

dinosaur · 19/05/2004 14:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

rolymoly · 19/05/2004 21:50

Hi dodgydonut. Just wanted to add an extra word of support, from someone who is a lesbian and very happy as a mum of 2 with a woman partner, and lots of straight friends. I hope you can work out what you really want and move towards getting that. Please don't feel dirty or ashamed. We're not that bad, really!

Where do you live? In some places there are lesbian/gay parenting groups. That might be a good place to start meeting people.

Realitycheck · 19/05/2004 22:05

Oh wow dodgydonut. I could be you. I have had feelings like yours for some time now and last week I kissed a female work colleague. I was drunk but wanted to take her to bed. She gets married in 6 weeks and I kissed her passionately. She responded but then backed away and she hasn't spoken to me since and I've not had sex with my my dp either.