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Original poster

Can't decide wether to go for 4th baby or not

34 replies

Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 10:38

I just cannot make up my mind. Before we knew if we'd got the house I always wanted another baby but knew i couldn't as i didn't have anywhere to put it. Never in my wildest dreams did i imagine we'd be given a 4 bed, and i have to say that one of my first thoughts was 'yeah i can have another baby'.

Now i just can't make my mind up at all. I keep saying to myself 'No, no more, 3 is enough, go back to coleege and do something with your life'
but then it's still there, that wanting a babay thingy.
I am only 25 so you could say i have got years to have more kids but dp is 46 now and has basically said that if we have another one then it needs to be now or never really as he doesn't want to be any older than 48 when i give birth.

The other problem is that i have had 3 sections already so i would be taking a risk. The other big problem is that i had antiC probs last time and they said that it would be worse with any future pregnancies. I would be a high risk of miscarriage and premeture delivery e.t.c. and baby would be very jaundiced and anemiac.

I just can't decide, i always wanted 4 kids and now we've got the house it almost seems like fate.

I wish i could stop dithering and make my mind up for good.

OP posts:
smellymelly · 17/05/2004 10:45

Surely you can't have another child just because you have been 'given' a larger house???

Also sounds like you would be putting the baby at risk, sounds a little unfair to me. But then it is your choice!!

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 10:48

No not just becuase i've been given a larger house at all.
I did say that i already wanted another baby before.
Yes the baby would need treatment after birth too, but so did my Ds.

OP posts:
Piffleoffagus · 17/05/2004 10:53

Nutty, what about how unhappy you were with dp hunny?

mambo · 17/05/2004 10:54

If you feel like you do I imagine you will probably go ahead with it. The only thing that stopped me having anymore ( i have 4) is dh having snip. When we got an 8 seater car I thought great I need to fill it !! Perhaps you should chat with gp or healthvisitor for advice. "that wanting a baby thingy" is weird. I don't understand my friends who have 2 and it would be the worse thing that happened if they had another. I think I will always have feeling of wanting a baby.

fairydust · 17/05/2004 10:57

HA Design guru - what's this another room for us to have to decorate

i know some great nursery stores

seriously go with what you feel is best don't ever turn round in live and i only i'd have done ................

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:00

Yeah i know me and dp have had probs recently but alot of that was the stress of looking for another house. He has also seen his doctor and is getting some help now.

So would it really be so selfish then ?????
As thats what it seems SM is saying.

OP posts:
Fio2 · 17/05/2004 11:00

Nutty dont think I am being personal but are getting on okay with your husband now?

Fio2 · 17/05/2004 11:00

posts crossed

bundle · 17/05/2004 11:01

nutty, agree with others re: your relationship, you sounded so sure that it was over, only v recently.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:01

Hehe Hi FD

Thats what i keep thinking, what if i don't have another and then regrett it.

OP posts:
hercules · 17/05/2004 11:02

Nutcracker - perhaps you should wait for a while and see what happens with your relationship. Having another child will tie you down far more and perhaps stop you going to college, getting some time for you to do what you want to do. you are very young and can have a baby later as you say.
If you dont want to go to college or work for a good few years and are totally happy and confident in your relationship then fine if not then no.

hercules · 17/05/2004 11:03

At 25 you have many years yet to have another.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:06

I am 25 but dp is 46 so i can't wait years.

OP posts:
august24 · 17/05/2004 11:06

I just wonder if you will ever loose the urge to have more children? I am the same as you, I have two girls, and I long for another baby. I always thought I would have at least 3 children, I am young(29 with a 6 year old and a 3 year old) But when I really go through everything it would take to have another child(no sleep, poopy nappies, that smoothering feeling that I would get when all alone with a little baby(my husband works a lot.)and then when I add two girls to take care of, I actually don't rationally want a baby. But I still have that urge every single day! I think it is an natural urge that sometimes needs to be rationally sorted out. I think you should move into your new house, give yourself some time to fix it up and get back on your feet and then think about it again in say 6 months time.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:08

Meant to say before. I would also be sterilised during the section.

OP posts:
coppertop · 17/05/2004 11:08

Why did dp choose 48 as the oldest he wants to be when you give birth? Are you sure he's not trying to push you into having one sooner rather than later so that it's less likely that you will ask him to leave again? I could be wrong but 48 just seems a strange age to choose.

bundle · 17/05/2004 11:09

nutcracker, I would love to have a 3rd child, but we live in a small flat and couldn't afford another nursery place, so it is v unlikely to happen. I am just going to have to deal with that and get on with life and helping my happy, healthy dds to enjoy theirs. sometimes we can't always have what we want.

Fio2 · 17/05/2004 11:09

mmm why do men choose an age? My dh says 35 tops, he is 34 now - so looks like we wont be having anymore!

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:11

Not sure really. Just said he definatly didn't want to be 50 or older. Suppose he just thinks it sounds better. He doesn't look his age though.

It was mysuggestion to have another one any way. He said he doesn't mind either way. He said that about 1,2 &3.

OP posts:
smellymelly · 17/05/2004 11:12

I'm sorry if I sounded so harsh - but I worry so much about everything when I'm pregnant, that if I knew there was a good chance of having problems, then I would having difficulty in making that choice.

Everyone seems to be concerned about your relationship, but what about the risks of having a difficult pregnancy, prem baby etc??

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:12

Yeah Bundle but thats what i'm trying to say. If we were staying in the flat or only moving to a 3 bed then i wouldn't of even considered it obviously but now we would have the room.

OP posts:
emmatmg · 17/05/2004 11:14

I was going to ask the same thing as piffle. Are things Ok now? if you're talking about giving birth before DP is 48 then things certainly look much better.

After we had DS3 I thought that I would/could go on and on having children but DH didn't agree so I knew it wouldn't happen. HOWEVER he's nearly 8 months old now and the thought of having another baby fills me with dread. I'm constantly in a rush, always busy and have a never ending pile of washing and had a little brush with PND and absolutley NEVER get any time to myself so to have another baby would just finish me off. Don't get me wrong that feeling is still there, that I will always want another but seeing and living with all the stuff that 3 creates I just wouldn't do it. Its just such hard work.

I'm sure i've contradicted myself 100 times over but I think it makes sense. Ultimatley the decision is yours and your DP but personally I think it might be better to wait until you're in the house and to see how things go with DP for a while longer.

lou33 · 17/05/2004 11:16

I would tend to wait and see how things are between you once you have moved and everything is settled Nutty. You have quite a lot on your plate atm.

Original poster
Nutcracker · 17/05/2004 11:18

Smellymelly - I always have difficult pregnancies. With Dd1 i was told i would definatly have her prematurly because of the shape of my womb, i had her at 38 weeks.
With Dd2 they kept insisting she was small and there must be something wrong with her. I did have her early at 34 weeks but she was 4lb 14oz which was good for that many weeks.
With Ds i didn't know until about 24 weeks that i had a problem with anti bodies. Whilst i was pregnant he wasn't affected at all. Afterwards he was jaundiced for about 2 mths and then anemiac for a while too.

I asked them about me having any more kids and they said it is impossible to tell at what level of antbodies a baby can become affected. My ds wasn't affected at 5 but some may be. Likewise my levels could be really high and the baby may not be affected at all. They just don't know.
If the baby was affected in the womb after 24 weeks, then they can treat them.

OP posts:
bundle · 17/05/2004 11:19

nutty, yes you'll have room but that could be a place for friends/family to stay or even a study for your college work, if you decide to go for that. obviously I don't know you but you sound as if you are rushing into things a bit, perhaps because everything feels much more positive now you are about to get the home you deserve. your own/any possible baby's health problems are much more of an issue than your dp's desire to finish off the family by the time he's a certain age. please don't take this the wrong way, but I remember you saying in posts only a month ago that you didn't even like let alone love him. I know you/he are trying to sort things out but do give yourselves some space.

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