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Original poster

I've had an argument with a mum at school

50 replies

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 12:58

I started a thread a few weeks ago about my ds being bullied by a boy in his class. This morning ds dropped his trading cards and the other boy grabbed them and refused to give them back. I saw what had happened and told the boy to give the cards back and not to be horrible.

A few minutes later the mum came over and said her son (called S) was really upset. I said ds had been upset for weeks and that I didn't intend to upset S, I just wanted him to give the cards back. She went straight into the school and spoke to the head teacher and several other mums along the way.

i waited for her to come out to see if we could sort things out but she wasn't interested. She said I was the bully and how dare I upset a 6 yo boy before he had to go into school and that I was agressive and shouting at him. I so wasn't but that is besides the point. She also said that she had told several other parents what I had done.

I feel gutted that I am now going to be known as some sort of evil child monster that goes around giving kids a hard time. It doesn't even matter that her son has been bullying ds for ages, I am the bad guy.

Am I really that awful? What do I do now?

OP posts:

MascaraOHara · 06/12/2006 13:02

so he gets his bullying streak from his mum then by the sounds of it.

No practical advice but hope you manage to rise above it and the other parents realise what has gone on.

Carmenere · 06/12/2006 13:02

Well now you know where her son gets his bullying behaviour from, she sounds like a cow.
Write a really polite note to the head explaining what happened and then just forget about it, the truth will out and the teachers probably know that her ds is a brat.

ThrockenAroundTheChristmasTree · 06/12/2006 13:04

did you go and talk to the head teacher ? If not it is probably worth doing so. Explain what happened, explain the other mum got the wrong impression, and then ask what they can do to help the other boy behave better.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 13:14

I have spoken to the school already and they said they were dealing with it. The other boy pinched ds on the arm last week so hard that it made ds cry and after that they were told they weren't allowed near each other for a week. The other mum wasn't aware of this either.

I spoke to exp this morning as I was so upset. He rang the school and spoke to ds's form teacher who said as far as she is concerned it is 6 of 1, half a dozen of the other. She said she had spoken to them both this morning and S said he was giving the cards back to ds. He absolutely was not, because I was watching. Exp said he doesn't feel he can comment on this because he wasn't there!

I'm really concerned though what everyone must think of me now. The other mum is a childminder and very well known at the school. She said that I shouldn't have said anything infront of S and that I had been waiting for an opportunity to get everything off my chest and to have a go at him.

She also told me that the dinner ladies had told the other boys to ignore ds at lunchtimes because he cries everyday. Ds can be a whinger and I was concerned that he would be labelled as such, and nothing he said taken seriously. This is obviously what is happening, he is pushed around at lunchtime but if he gets upset he is ignored.

OP posts:

dara · 06/12/2006 13:30

She sounds absolutely horrible Rickman. I just don't believe that other people don't see through her. What a nasty, nasty woman. The comment about your child at lunchtime is just disgusting. You, on the other hand, sound absolutely lovely. Don't let her make you feel bad about yourself or change the way to deal with things. Don't let her have that much power. She is a bully, and as others have said, that is clearly how her son has learned his behavour.

amynnixmum · 06/12/2006 13:34

I would push for the school to take your sons anxiety seriously. One of the mums at our school was recently upset because her little lad was being bullied by some other boys. He is a bit over sensitive sometimes but thats no excuse for bullying. She approached the teacher who organised for one of the other children in his class to be a buddy for a few days. He happened to choose ds - probably because ds is big and would protect him. Things are much better now and her son is happy again.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 13:36

Have I got any of you on my msn? Could I send you a draft of a letter I have written to see what you think? I'm so upset about this, I can't think straight. I think my letter might be a bit over emotional.

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 06/12/2006 13:38

I'm not on MSN but you can email me if you like [email protected]

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 06/12/2006 13:38

Rickman, re "She also told me that the dinner ladies had told the other boys to ignore ds at lunchtimes because he cries everyday".
That certainly needs investigating via the school, because if it is true then the dinner lady needs reminding of her role.
Your poor DS; I hope this situation becomes easier soon.
I recommend you put your concerns in writing to the Headteacher, so this situation cannot be swept under the carpet.
The school need to deal with this as a matter of urgency - bullying is not acceptable, and the school have a responsibility to deal with it quickly and effectively.
As a mother of a child who was repeatedly bullied, I urge you not to withdraw socially from the school - chat to other mothers and put on a brave face at the school gates if you can.
This other mother is clearly stirring up trouble, but it will be much harder for her to do so if you engage socially with other parents.
Is there anyone that your son could invite round to tea?

Mercy · 06/12/2006 13:42

Rickman, what a horrible situation for you and your ds .

Don't know if Twiglett is around but she's good at this sort of thing iirc.

snowydelight · 06/12/2006 13:43

It sounds like a really horrible situation - poor you! - and how childish to go around getting people "on her side" and telling you that she had told them what had happened. Most people have the sense to realise that there are always two sides to a story, and the fact that she is very well known doesn't automatically mean that everyone thinks she is wonderful. I think the only thing you can do is rise above it; if anyone asks what happened you can give your side of the story but otherwise a dignified silence and making it clear that you don't want your son to have anything to do with hers is probably your best bet.

WhenHelsygotstuckupthechimney · 06/12/2006 13:44

Not sure I would write a letter - can you make an appointment to see the headteacher (with Exp if that would help)and class teacher to tell them that recent events have given you further cause for concern about the way your son is being perceived and treated both by staff and pupils, and you'd like to work with them to resolve the issues? I know you've spoken to them but sometimes perseverance helps. Write down what you want to say and refer to it if you need to, then if need be write a letter following that meeting? Just my view. And talk to parents you know well and test the water to see if other mother is being taken seriously without talking about the issue, IYSWIM - bet she isn't.
Just a thought. You might feel better writing.

wrappingpaperBOwZZAndribbons · 06/12/2006 13:53

I agree with helsy's approach. It sounds to me here like there are several issues:
S bullying your DS
the class teacher not taking it seriously
the dinner ladies behaving in appropriately
the other mother being a cow (but I think you might just have to deal with that one yourself)

But I really think you should talk it over with the school again.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 13:54

If I wasn't an emotional wreck I would go in and speak to the teachers. I did a few weeks ago, but even then I burst into tears. I am in too much of a state to be very rational today. I have written a letter and hopefully amynnixmum is reading it for me. I don't want to be perceived as a trouble maker, or a bully for that matter, but I won't have ds made miserable at school.

OP posts:

snig · 06/12/2006 13:56

I have just read your thread and the comment about the dinner lady (if true) is bang out of order. How is that gonna help your son? They are just excluding him so how is he meant to build his confidence up? If i was in your situation I arrange an appointment with the headteacher and tell him that this has got to be sorted. Is it school policy to alienate children that 'whinge' when being bullied? Is he meant just to put up eith it? Are the dinner ladies friends with this women?
sorry this is babbled but this has made me angry, it sounds like the school is very cliquey (spelt wrong) and it makes me mad.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 13:58

The school is in a nice area and full of yummy mummy's and extremely cliquey.

I can't even tell most of them where I live because I know they will look down their nose at me. I'm a single mum of 4 kids, living in a crappy area and go around shouting at little boys, everyone is going to want to be friends with me now!

OP posts:

HappyMellowmas · 06/12/2006 14:01

Rickman this sounds just like ds school. Try not to worry too much about it, no doubt by next week they will be talking about someone else.

Concentrate on yourself and your son and to hell with the yummy mummies.

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 06/12/2006 14:05

Rickman - you are forgetting that other mums probably know what this boy is like anyway. Also, there were probably people who overheard you asking the boy to give the cards back, and they will not think you are a cow. If the other mum has been like this to you, she must have done it to others. I know you are feeling low, and this will make you think the world is against you, when really it is only this other woman, who sounds a bitch anyway.

Do you see any of the mums for coffee?

Carmenere · 06/12/2006 14:10

Rickman if a woman came over to me at the school gates to bitch about another mother I would think that she was a shallow, trashy sad cow tbh.
Don't stress about it, all you can do is look after your ds when he is at home and try to ensure that the teachers keep an eye on him at school.
He is going to come up against little shits all through life, we all do. With the love and security provided for him by you he will get through it.

HumphreyCushiONtheFirstNoel · 06/12/2006 14:10

I would still recommend sending a letter.
It doesn't have to be in the form of a complaint, but it can refer to your previous meeting with the school, and explain that the situation has not improved.
Our experience was that the school played down the severity of the situation for several months, during which time our son was bullied more and more.
They only took it seriously once the LEA parent/liaison advisor told us to put our concerns in writing, and copy in the Head of Governors.
I'm not suggesting that the situation that Rickman has described will deteriorate in the same way - I obviously hope it doesn't, and hopefully the school will have spoken to the other boy and sorted it all out today, but bullying has to be nipped in the bud immediately, IMO.
I think it is easier to put your points across in a calm and considered way more easily in a letter, when you are dealing with such an emotive subject.
The letter doesn't have to be accusatory or critical, but it is a good way to ensure your side of the situation has been clearly received, IME.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 14:11

But would you be annoyed if another parent had told your dd/ds off?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 06/12/2006 14:14

Rickman if another parent told my child off I would want to know why but that said I am not delusional enough to think that my dd is an angel.

Original poster

RickmanAroundTheXmasTree · 06/12/2006 14:14

Amynnixmum seems to have disappeared, is there anyone else who could read it through for me, as exp will be here in a minute and he will have to take it up to the school for me.

OP posts:

amynnixmum · 06/12/2006 14:21

Sorry rickman - I had to come away from the computer for a while. i have read it and emailed you back.

6beetrootsAmilking · 06/12/2006 14:25

beetrootbeetroot at hotmail.co.uk

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