I've had an argument with a mum at school

[RickmanAroundTheXmasTree]

I started a thread a few weeks ago about my ds being bullied by a boy in his class. This morning ds dropped his trading cards and the other boy grabbed them and refused to give them back. I saw what had happened and told the boy to give the cards back and not to be horrible.

A few minutes later the mum came over and said her son (called S) was really upset. I said ds had been upset for weeks and that I didn't intend to upset S, I just wanted him to give the cards back. She went straight into the school and spoke to the head teacher and several other mums along the way.

i waited for her to come out to see if we could sort things out but she wasn't interested. She said I was the bully and how dare I upset a 6 yo boy before he had to go into school and that I was agressive and shouting at him. I so wasn't but that is besides the point. She also said that she had told several other parents what I had done.

I feel gutted that I am now going to be known as some sort of evil child monster that goes around giving kids a hard time. It doesn't even matter that her son has been bullying ds for ages, I am the bad guy.

Am I really that awful? What do I do now?

Rickman
Easier said than done I know, but you have to stay as reasonable, calm and above all, logical, as possible.
I've been in your situation with a mother who was an absolute shit stirrer, and would not accept that her dd (12!) was anything other than perfect.
When I stated the facts, she became totally hysterical, and although I was churning inside, I kept calm.
This has given me the 'upper hand' in the long term, as other parents can now see her for what she is.
You have to develop a thick skin, and keep chatting to other mums, for the same of your ds.
Really, really feel for you.

Did you get my email rickman? I hope you are ok

same = sake

Sorry!

Hi yes thanks amy. Exp has just been and gone and taken the letter with him, although I think he feels that I'm over reacting. Maybe I am, but the whole situation is pissing me off. I feel that I have put my kids at a huge disadvantage by leaving their dad and moving them to a crappy area, I really feel that I have to do anything I can to make things easier for them. It seems I have just made things worse though, for him and for me.

I really don't think that the other parents will be interested in what I have to say. I know she spoke to one lady who gave me a foul look as she walked past, so I guess the damage is already done.

aww Rickman so sorry to hear it has come to this. I remember reading your original thread and I have to say I would have reacted the same as you. What an awful situation.

Rickman you did the right thing. Good luck with your next steps

I did once tell a child to leave ds2 alone - he had been persistantly hitting/pulling/pushing my 3 yr old in the playground ( child was a couple of yrs older) The mother was completely oblivious to it all.

The mother went absolutely loopy at me and was very abusive - I stood my ground and the whole thing degenerated into a slanging match. Most unseemly

but it did the trick

Don't feel too down about this rickman. my SIL had a similar thing with a women that lived in my street which made things awkward. My nephew had been at the school up the road for ages with no problems and my neighbours son joined the school in year 4 or 5. From the beginning there were problems between him and my nephew which was strange as they already knew each other and had got on well during the summer. My neighbour was adament that it was my nephew that was causing all the trouble even though she never actually has anything good to say about her son when he's at home. My SIL is quite overemotional about things but she tried to stay calm and sort the situation out. One day she saw my neighbours son in the playground as my nephew was telling her about yet another incident so she approached him and calmly said to him that as he and my nephew were not getting on it would be better if they stayed away from each other. At this point the boys mum came flying over in a rage yelling that my SIL was having a go at her son. The head was involved and things got quite heated. Needless to say my SIL was on the end of a few nasty looks and nudges in the playground too as this mum was very vocal about her complaint. However it did blow over and the following year at school the boys get on really well and actually invite each other over for parties etc. My SIL and my neighbour are also on speaking terms.

Sorry thats a hugely long post but I just wanted you to know that the gossip side of this will blow over and not everyone will get involved with it anyway. Keep talking to the mums you feel most comfortable with.

If her son is a bully then its likely that your son was not the only one being bullied so you may get more support from those parents then you might think.

Rickman - I really think you might be assuming things about the other mums in the playground. 10/1 they don't even like her anyway. Most people will keep out of a playground argument. Just keep smiling at people and trying to chat. If they ignore you, that is their loss.

Sounds a horrible situation rickman. You should read 'the Playground Mafia' which is a bit of a 'chick-lit' novel, but contains a lot of mums that sound like this one! Might strike a chord.

I had a reply to my letter from the Head Teacher yesterday. It said very little apart from she would not get involved in arguments between parents and that if I think that ds has a problem at school, then I should speak to his class teacher. Obviously, I have already spoken to his class teacher, next step up I would have thought is to speak to the Head Teacher? It seems she doesn't want to get involved though.

Anyway, ds's teacher said I could make an appointment to go in and discuss it with her next week. Assuming I remain calm and collected and don't turn into a blubbering wreck, what sort of questions should I be asking and I guess I need to have an idea of what I would like them to do. I don't want to go in and make a fool of myself and tbh I do feel foolish at the moment.

Good luck Rickman with that meeting, keeping the class teacher onside seems the optimum thing here if at all possible. I think there is a problem for schools if the class teacher has to feel they've 'failed' by referring a behavioural problem 'up' so to speak. It would be better if there was a blame free environment where patterns of poor behaviour are nipped in the bud really quickly before the kids take positions and get loads of attention for bad behaviour.

It sounds like you have an enormous amount to deal with and could do with some strong support yourself to help you see this in perspective. Not that it isn't serious, of course, it's just that we can feel so overwhelmed with upset that it's hard to know what to do. My ds is a whinger at the moment and going through a similar thing so I hugely sympathise. I've felt much better for talking to a small number of other mothers who know the children involved.

Rickman my heart truely goes out to you in this situation it sounds horrid. How has your ds been in the last couple of days? Have things improved in anyway?
You certainly need to speak to the teacher next week and voice your concerns in a calm manner, i know what you mean about crying, I do it too, don't worry if you do it, just explain that this has been really concerning for you and has actually upset you.
I would ask the teacher what she thinks first, give her the chance to say how he seems in class etc, get the picture from her and then counter with your concerns. I think it is very important that you discuss the situation regarding the dinner ladies and inform her of the source of the information and tell her that you 'expect' this to be addressed. Actually thinking about it I would use that word alot, because she needs to know you have certain expectations that aren't currently being fulfilled. Sorry i know this is a bit of a ramble, wish you lived near me as I would love to help you out with this more x

Sorry to go on about this again, as I'm sure most of you have died of boredom now.

As the head teacher seemed so dismissive of me in her letter, I really have this burning desire to respond to her letter. I'm sure she won't be expecting a response, but I feel I have to let her know that I intend to get to the bottom of the problems. Does anyone think that's a really bad idea?

No, not a bad idea, by responding, she'll know that you haven't dropped the issue. Just skimmed through these posts as it's late, and I really ought to go to bed, but poor you, what a horrid situation. Our Head is a bit useless, tbh, and would be in a situation like this. The Deputy Head on the other hand is really good and very pro-active. Perhaps your Deputy Head is similar? There might be another figure of authority, other than the Head that you may get more results from. Hope your little lad's okay. One of mine is highly sensitive, bless him. He spent the whole of Thursday morning in tears at school as he knew I was in the school watching ds2's play. He gets like that if I'm in the school but he can't be with me. Awww... On the subject of trading cards, they've caused all sorts or ruckuses at our school and have now been banned. A good move, I say. However, sounds like S would have found another motive to pick on your boy. And as for the Mother? Don't you just despair of parents like that? Don't feel bad for moving your kids away, and leaving your P I'm sure you had your reasons. I take my hat off to you for being a single Mum of 4. Good luck with everything, hang in there and fight your corner. Hopefully it will all come right in the end.

Oh yeah, get hold of a copy of The Playground Mafia if you can, I've read it too, I think almost every 'school Mum' can relate to it, and it will strike a chord with you.

Hi Rickman

Just wondered how things were going at school. Hope you are ok

Hi Rickman

Just wondered how things were going at school. Hope you are ok

Hi AnNmum. I went for a meeting with ds's teacher today. I'm not sure how I feel now, much was made of my emotional state and they now think that is where ds gets his highly emotional personality from. I tried so hard to keep a lid on it but I just couldn't do it. I'm sure they must think I'm mad.

The incident with the other mum was mentioned, apparently I lost my temper and really upset her. I said that I hadn't lost my temper and I had apologised for upsetting them. I was by this stage though beginning to feel that I was totally in the wrong and the other mum very much had their support.

The end result was that as the matter has not been resolved, the headteacher will now speak to all the boys concerned and the other parents may be called in. I'm now panicking that maybe I over reacted and perhaps I'm making too big a deal of it all. Ds still won't really discuss it, although dd tells me that he cries at lunchtimes.

I feel really unsure and weird about the whole thing. I'm concerned that this is becoming more about mine and ds's emotional state than the fact that a couple of boys are being nasty to him. I will be glad when it's Friday to be honest so that I can have a break from doing the wrong thing for a while. It is likely that ds will be having an operation after christmas so will probably miss some school. I'm hoping that everything will have calmed down by then and that normal life can be resumed. This is all adding to my fear of being a crap parent and I've spent most of the evening crying, I need a slap I think.

Rickman, I think you're really brave. You're standing up for your son which is exactly the right thing to do. I'm not always confident, so in your situation I might have held back & hated myself for letting my son be bullied. You did the right, so even if the school don't sort it out your son knows that you're there for him.

Read your thread Rickman, just wanted to tell you to be strong and dont let them walk over you, if you want answers then follow it through to the end. I think though that the school aren't taking this serious, they are making it out to be your fault by throwing your state of mind at this time back at you to excuse their behaviour for not following things through.

Chin up hun, its the holidays soon so you can get some rest and get on top of things, you will be emotionally stronger in the new year to tackle the school xxxxxxxxxx

a letter song for you "Jingle bells batman smells robin flew away, uncle billy lost his on the motorway"

little not letter

Rickman -ds old school tried to do the same with me and the LEA. I was upset about what was happening with him at school (very different situation to yours but very uosetting) but I was also having to deal with my mum being diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time. Obviously I was emotional but I was not irrational and it really pissed me off that they kept suggesting that I was making too much of things because of my emotional state. Can you take a friend with you for support next time. Parentpartnership can accompany you to meetings too. I'd come with you if you were anywhere near me but I don't think you are. I'm from the Poole/Bournemouth area.

As usual it has been impossible to get much information about ds. It seems though that ds and 2 other boys went to see the headteacher on Thursday, I'm not really sure what was said.

Apparently today, ds was asked to choose 2 children that he would like to play with at first break and lunchtime. He said that this was done in front of the whole class, but he doesn't seem bothered about the extra attention. He also seems to think that the boys that have been horrible, aren't allowed to go near him at the moment.

I haven't heard anything else from the school, but it is looking hopeful that they are actually doing something now.

Amy - I wish I had thought of your comment about being emotional but not irrational. I will certainly try and hold on to that thought next time.

I am very happy that school has now broken up for christmas, fingers crossed that things will be better next term. As ds will be having surgery soon, I really hope that the shoving around will have come to an end.

SORRY TO HEAR WHAT A DIFFICULT SITUATION ITS BEC0ME. I bet THE BOY TOLD HIS MUM (oops sorry) you were harsh when really you wern't. kids seem to get intimidated by another parent expecially when they are doing wrong IYKWIM. friend of mine interefered outside a classroom between her son and another boy and said something to the other boy. all hell broke loose between parents and teachers about it. although i dont think you had much choice about saying something if he was refusing to give the cards back. i have promised myself i will never say something to another child but speak to the teacher or the parent. but i probably wont when put in that situation. as the parent we can never win over someones little darling who wouldn't say boo to a goose or of cource would never tell a lie. lol. tbh if a parent spoke to ds he would probably exaggerate it 10 times and id be peed off. hope it sorts itself out. the holidays will give it time to do that. hope you have a fantastic break with your kiddies.