Sensitive subject: Was anyone else sexually abused as a child?

[abitmessedup]

This has been bothering me for a while and I just can't stop thinking about it.

I was sexually abused by a family member for about 6 years as a child. My mother knew and didn't put a stop to it until she realised I had called Childline. She then panicked that I would get taken away and after that it stopped. It was never discussed. It was as if it had never happened. I don't think I've ever been able to deal with it though - I just sort of put it to the back of my mind and got on with life. I did suffer with depression and various eating problems in my late teens (and both things still crop up from time to time) and ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt. But even after that, nothing happened. I was offered counselling but hated the counsellor and only went a couple of times. I don't know what I wish could have happened. I think I believe I should have been rescued and 'fixed'. I know that I am the only person who can really sort this out but I just don't know how. I feel a bit empty when I think about this. I don't like how I can be so cold and lack emotions.

I feel a bit broken. Damaged. And I am beginning to wonder if the abuse led to the breakdown of my marriage. The fact that I never deal with issues and can behave as if I'm completely indifferent to almost any situation even though it may be tearing me apart inside. I just put on a brave face and pretend that everything is ok.

I don't want to have counselling now - I don't want to discuss this with anyone face to face. I just want closure. I want to put it all behind me and be happy.

I suppose I was hoping that other people may be able to tell me they went through the same thing and that they're ok now...

Anyway, it's late and I can't sleep but I should probably try. I'm not really expecting any responses but I hoped that by writing this down and sending it into cyberspace it might help clear my head...

vvvq started this thread a while ago. It sound like there may be alot of people going through what you are feel. have a look at \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=9&threadid=214079#4352638\this

hope it helps. Judging by that thread there are alot of people who will be happy to talk to you about this and maybe offer some comfort or hope.

thread

you still awake, abitmessedup?

Yes, I'm still up, panickingandshaking...

Thanks for the link magicfarawaytree - I'm reading the thread now.

I have a similar story abitmessedup - there are many of us on here. you dont need to feel alone

I was also abused when I was about 3 - just once and by a stranger, but it really does fuck you up. I am OK now though, but it has affected the way I relate to men, definitely. I still get upset from time to time, but I try and think htat it has also shaped my personality in a positive way... I never became a tart because of it etc!!!
As you know, I have lots on my mind tonight, but just wanted you to know you are most certainly not alone.
{{{{hugs}}}}

Thanks P&S

I'm sorry you're having a bad night. LOts of positive thoughts coming your way.

can i ask who it was who abused you? do you resent your mum for not stopping it sooner at all?i am only asking because a similar thing happened to someone i know. her mum knew and it carried on, then when my friend finally plucked up the courage to tell somebody (nspcc i think) it suddenly stopped. but my friend and her mum had an awful relationship cos my friend always thought if she could stop it that quickly when i rang for help why couldn't she stop it when she found out about it?

I don't know if I resent my mum. I think part of me is angry that she didn't protect me when I really needed it. But seeing her in the ambulance after my suicide attempt was horrible. She was distraught. The teenage years were awful but we get on really well now. Sorry your friend and her mum had an awful relationship, nappyaddict - I can totally understand why they did though.

When I called the nspcc, the didn't believe me . I never asked anyone else for help again.

that's awful. how could they not believe you. that's what they are there for! i hope my donation to them every month goes on better training than what they had when you needed them! this isn't of the same seriousness but a few years ago when i was about 15 i stayed at my cousins house (she is 18 years older than me) and she went out with some friends for a xmas do and her husband i felt was acting inappropiately. touching my leg and he asked me what i would most like to change about myself. i said my belly button cos its an outy and then he asked to look. i never told anyone cos i thought they would laugh at me. he's still quite flirtatious with me now. i don't like it and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but i just treat it as him jokin around now. if that's the right thing to do i duno. do you have a dp who can help you with this if you don't want counselling?

I'm so sorry for all the horrible experiences that you have been through.

Personally I haven't experienced anything like this, so I count myselkf very lucky,

However,having just read through the thread that VVVQV started a couple of months back (someone linked to it earlier on) and reading about how worried everyone is about their DDs growing up, I wanted to say something.

I had child protection training a few weeks ago, from a fantastic woman who oversees many childcare centres and has set up child protection programmes throughout south and south-east asia.

Anyway, we were obviously talking about sex abuse in children - and one of the (many) things that has stuck in my memory from that training is the importance of us to teach our children the proper words for vagina/penis/anus etc, however 'taboo' this might seem. She said that if we teach our children other names (and the example she used was 'flower') then how would we ever expect them to report things?

She gave an example of a busy woman who had 7 children. The girls had all been taught to call their vaginas 'flowers'. One day she was busy cooking for the family and trying to watch her two youngest children at the same time. Her eldest daughter came to her upset and said "Mummy he took/touched my flower" - now remember this mum is really busy. What did she say to her daughter? "Oh never mind, just go and pick another one"

Now I am fully aware that this story is probably made up to illustrate a point, but it really hit home with me. How can I expect my DD to be able to tell me if something awful has happened to her, if she doesn't have the language to use?

If I teach her 'flower' or something else, would that be taken as evidence in court? However, if she could say 'he put his hand in my vagina' then she could communicate accurately, without any shadow of a doubt.

I'm sorry to hijack this thread, but this is so important. I am certainly thinking about my own DD now (she is 3) and thinking carefully about the things I learned in my training.

i'm sorry if this has touched a raw nerve for anyone.

sarah you are so right to post that..I too do the "funny names"thing with my dd.I will stop today as it makes perfect sense what you say.

abitmessed up,Darling.. wish I could give that child in you a big hug and kiss. I understand that you dont want face to face talks but that you just want to stop the memory visiting you

now dont jump on me everyone

But could you try this visualisation thing that one of those tv hypnotists do?
where you imagine a scence ..imagine its a photo or tableau and then "shrink it" till its so small you can lock it (imagining it all the time) in a box and bury it in the wild?

I was by my stepfather but nobody knew until I had ds 3 yrs ago. Have had depression throughout my life but ended up having some sort of breakdown when DS was a couple of months old as we stayed at the house with my stepfather and mymum. It has been horrible as have lost a lot of family contact because of telling my mum[who still lives with him]. It is hard and I have every sympathy for you. I see a psychologist and a psychatrist now due to the problems it has caused me.

I was abused by grandfather. He started when I was about 6 for a few years, stopped for a while when I was about 10, then started again when I was about 12. It stopped when I was 14 or 15, I found the nerve to fight him off and told him that if he ever touched me again I would call the police. He never did.

I had never spoken to anyone other than my dh about it until a couple of years ago when my sister told my mother what had happened to us - I hadn't realised that he had managed to get to her too, although it only happened a couple of times with her because I tried to make sure she was never alone with him.

I haven't told my mother the full extent of what he did because I'm not sure she believes me. Everyone liked him, he was a lovely man - I thought that no-one would believe me at the time.

To be quite honest, it was easier to cope with my grandfather's abuse than it was to cope with my mother's. She was violent and uncaring, and her treatment of me left deeper scars than his did. I switched off when he was doing what he did, and it's as if it happened to someone else.

It sounds as if you could do with talking to someone - I know you say you don't want to try counselling again, but I think you have to do something in order to get closure and find some kind of peace. You might find that somewhere like NAPAC can help - they offer support to people who were abused in childhood.

WWB you sound similiar to me..despite who the abuser was the issues I have are more so with my mother who I am stupidly too weak to cut contact with..can honestly say if she died tommorow I would feel relief.

abitmessed up, well done for talking about it, as I'm sure that's what you need - and I really hope it helps. I am busy today and don't have time to go into my story at length, but I had a similar experience and also felt that my mum did not protect me when she should have done. Now, I am fine - but I have to say this is after a lot of counselling. I can really identify with you saying you can't face going through it all - that's exactly how I felt - but it was also what really helped in the end. I'd suggest going to the GP and asking to be referred to a counsellor for this, if you can bear it. Otherwise, you can phone Rape Crisis (even if it was a long time ago and even if it was not actual rape) and they will help you.

Talking about it here is a great start too, and you really are not alone. This sort of thing is so common. But you can put it behind you.

Thanks everyone. I think I thought hearing other peoples stories would help but now I just feel that there are so many of us.

Isn't it odd how someone who can do something like this to a child can be a relatively nice person? My abuser (step-father) was a well-respected member of the community. I remember considering telling people what was going on but was fairly sure no-one would believe me & couldn't face all the drama. I was also very concerned that he would lose his job and my mother's marriage would end and it would all be my fualt. It seems strange that I would want to protect those that should have been protecting me but that's what kids do, I suppose.

I wish I'd had the courage to talk to my H about this. Now he's exH and I think I'll always wonder if I lost him through issues that stemmed from being abused. I hate the thought that I'll never be able to have a happy long-lasting relationship with someone.

Nemo, I hope all the support you are now receiving helps. It must be very traumatic and I cannot imagine what you're going through. What scares me is that talking about it with a counsellor will lead me to another suicide attempt and I can't risk that. I am the only person that DS has.

I think you're all right though, I probably do need to have some counselling. The strange thing is that I get on fairly well with my abuser and that's good (I think) but those feelings I had as a child are always in the back of my mind. Sometimes he makes the odd joke about it or some reference to kids being abused which just makes me feel sick.

And I am terrified of leaving DS with him but if I refuse, it'll cause all sorts of family problems, I imagine. I am not one to rock the boat but that's neither here nor there really as DS will always come first.

I agree that using the correct terminology for all body parts is vital. All children should be able to talk about their bodies in a way that will be clearly understood.

Hi, I have posted using this username before. Forgive any spelling mistakes I may have as I am in a rush but want to reply to you. xx

I was abused from roughly about the age of 3. I can clearly remember being taken into the bed with him. And I also know I hadn't started school at the time. I also watched as she abused my older sister who was about 12/13 at the time... it was the most horrific thing I have ever experienced in my life. I didn't talk about it for years, to anyone. But one year my sister sent me an anniversary card, & I called her to thank her for it.. and I still don't know how it happened but she mentioned the mans name, & I went off on one... she asked me why I hated him so much and all I could say was "You know why I hate him, you know why!! It's all your fault..."
Now, I never ever thought it was all her fault, but she had escaped when she was 17, she left & went to live in another country... leaving me behind, & I then got what she had to put up with for so many years.. she had no idea he was abusing me too... she got on a train & came to my house... there my other sister arrived & it transpired that he had been abusing all 4 girls in our family And that the other 3 knew about eachothers abuse for years but were too scared to tell about it..or mention it to me as they thought I had escaped it
I fell pregnant shortly after that day, & I give birth to a dd.... then I had a breakdown & spent 18months in counselling... all because of that evil wicked bastard... I nearly drove on at a road end wanting to end it all during those harrowing 18months of counselling.. my dh was a rock...
The counsellor wanted, begged, me to press charges.. I broached the subject with my sisters who were all horrified that I had told anyone our business, and none of them would take my side in court....

Fast forward 5 yrs now... I have another child... I still am in the same position as I was back then.. My dd is terrified of men as I trust nobody, her daddy has never bathed her as I refuse to let him (How twisted am I?) She covers up all the time... because she is absolutely beautiful, and I don't want any man stealing my baby's childhod from her like that bastard stole mine
Like you, I blame my mother, I still don't believe that she didn't know what was going on, esp with my 3 older sisters.. and I discussed this with my counsellor, I held SO much hatred for my mother (And I feel it coming back as I write this) My counsellor reckoned that it was much harder in those days to just walk away... there were boys in my family too (Who I trust & love to bits, they are what a man should be like, and are amazing fathers to their children)
so many children, and no-body to take them in if she left...... it's so sad And I still see him... I am such a coward.. weak & stupid... I have to see him, if I stopped contact it would look suspicious...& my sisters have asked me not to mention it whilst my mum is alive as it would kill her...instead every day I hope & pray that he drops dead soon

I am no expert and maybe because my abuser was a stranger I dont understand, but perhaps the victims should ignore what other people want them to do (eg: keep the peace), and rather do what will help them heal?
If keeping quiet is what you need, then so be it... but if you want to expose the attacker for the slime they are then that might help? Why should they have a cushy time when others are living a kind of hell because of them. I reported my abuser although I am not sure if hewas ever caught, but I think it is cathartic to not keep it a secret?
I know everyone and their situations are different, and I really do want to upset anyone.

A bit messed, it is still very brave of you to talk about it on this public forum even though it is annonymous. Cant belive you reported it and they didn't believe you, so shocking. Can you not report it again now? I cant bare the thought of you seeing him now, and him making JOKES about it.... that is really disturbing. Definitely get some counselling if you can. What is your relationship with you ex H like now? Could you maybe confide in him now? {{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}

Cowardice, it is hard that you cant tell for fear of devastating your mom Especially as you hold this anger towards here - maybe she had no idea about it?

I once heard about 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in their life. Truely scarey and shocking.

napac waste of time

My sister found NAPAC very helpful - I guess it's horses for courses really. I didn't use them myself, but mentioned them as my sister got a great deal out of them. She spoke to a very supportive lady over the telephone who put her in touch with a local support group where she could talk things through knowing that there was no pressure to do so if she didn't want to, and knowing that no-one would judge her as they had all been in the same position.

abitmessedup - I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you.

You won't ever leave your DS with this man, will you? Abusers leave a nasty virus in their victims - fear at speaking out and a belief that their voices are not worth hearing. Don't be daunted by any feelings that you are rocking the boat. Abusers rely on that fear to carry on abusing. Cowardice's very sad and shocking story demonstrates that so well.

Do you think this could be why you are not keen to try more counselling, because you thnk that your voice won't be heard, or your voice is worthless?

I am sorry that you have to be in contact with this man. You know you could still go to the police about what he did if you wanted to? That's up to you, of course, but remember, you have that power over him.

My father as a form of punishment ritually brought me to my bedroom age 8 to 12 stripped me from the waist down and thrashed my bottom with the buckle end of his belt, I know it was physical abuse but to this day don't know if I can class it as sexual. It's left a lot of scars either way.

Thats a very good point sarah - glad you raised it.

Abitmessedup - I think the actual process of writing things down on here will help you.

Counselling doesnt work for a minority of people, but i think its always worth trying it. It certainly isnt detrimental to have counselling - at the very worst - it just might not suit you.

The very nature of abuse/assualts, and the injury it causes is rarely a physical one. It is such a taboo subject and the victims are always the ones to feel ashamed by what happened, despite none of it being their fault.

That is what is so horrid about this crime. Because so often its a crime committed by those who purport to love us and care for us. (I wont go into the ins and outs of offenders at this point in time). But, we expect these people to love and care for us, and then they do this. And you are asked to keep it a secret, which makes you feel that you are doing something wrong when you arent.

On top of that, there is always the 'doubt' that comes with the victim. This is probably the only type of crime whereby the victim's integrity is apparently questionned. Any other crime and its a case of "who did it?" This crime - sometimes the question people seem to think of is "did it really happen?". None of these things should be a burden to you anymore. You have every right to have justice served or reach some peace with it.

Allow yourself this opportunity. You deserve it. You have done NOTHING wrong.

I think NAPAC can give you details of your nearest centre for any counselling....

abitmessedup, am I right (in the way I read your post) that you still have contact with your abuser? personally, I think that is very damaging to you.

I can really recognise how you are feeling and I can understand your reluctance to get help/talk about it for fear of it driving you to a breakdown - however, I am wondering whether all these feelings are happening because you know (inside you) that you haven't dealt with your feelings at all.

Have you tried to see a properly trained psychologist (doing psychotherapy) rather than a counsellor? I was advised that in complicated cases, they are often better for these sorts of situations. You can look up counsellors from here or psychologists on here.

It is v common to think you won't be believed. It is so hard to make the right decisions but I really felt I started moving on once I had cut the abuser out of my life and reported it to the police.