Sensitive subject: Was anyone else sexually abused as a child?

[abitmessedup]

This has been bothering me for a while and I just can't stop thinking about it.

I was sexually abused by a family member for about 6 years as a child. My mother knew and didn't put a stop to it until she realised I had called Childline. She then panicked that I would get taken away and after that it stopped. It was never discussed. It was as if it had never happened. I don't think I've ever been able to deal with it though - I just sort of put it to the back of my mind and got on with life. I did suffer with depression and various eating problems in my late teens (and both things still crop up from time to time) and ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt. But even after that, nothing happened. I was offered counselling but hated the counsellor and only went a couple of times. I don't know what I wish could have happened. I think I believe I should have been rescued and 'fixed'. I know that I am the only person who can really sort this out but I just don't know how. I feel a bit empty when I think about this. I don't like how I can be so cold and lack emotions.

I feel a bit broken. Damaged. And I am beginning to wonder if the abuse led to the breakdown of my marriage. The fact that I never deal with issues and can behave as if I'm completely indifferent to almost any situation even though it may be tearing me apart inside. I just put on a brave face and pretend that everything is ok.

I don't want to have counselling now - I don't want to discuss this with anyone face to face. I just want closure. I want to put it all behind me and be happy.

I suppose I was hoping that other people may be able to tell me they went through the same thing and that they're ok now...

Anyway, it's late and I can't sleep but I should probably try. I'm not really expecting any responses but I hoped that by writing this down and sending it into cyberspace it might help clear my head...

NotQuiteSure: I think that if you even suspect that it was sexual, as well as physically violent abuse, then it probaby was

should also say (reading back my post) that I made it all sound easy when really it wasn't at all - not only did I wait YEARS (like 20 years) to go to the police (and there was a specific trigger for me wanting to do that) but I also spent months and months agonising over what I should do (and really feeling like I was going to crack).

Someone said to me at the time that all other people can do is support and listen to you - by taking decisions (like going for counselling or cutting him out of your life or even just being able to discuss what happened) YOU are the one taking control of the situation. You will be able to grow in strength (eventually) knowing that you took charge and took little steps to eventually making your life better.

Thanks Blu, I've just always felt that there was more to it than just the beatings but because he never touched me below or made me do anything to him I've had to some degree always question marks over it. He was pretty twisted tbh in other ways, calling me a whore at 15 ffs I was still a virgin! I'm a grown woman and a few years ago he referred to me to another man as a bit of alright. Sorry for hi jacking your thread abitmessed up, really hope things work out for you.

abitmessedup..do you leave your ds with THAT person now?you say something about not wanting to rock the boat..??do you?

Foxinsocks, did going to the police help you put everything behind you? Like your situation, this happened about 20 years ago. It seems ridiculous that it is bothering me so much now. Your experience of counselling is exactly what frightens me, Cowardice. I just don't think I can cope with that again. Not yet. I'm sorry your sister's were not supportive of you. I know my family would be appalled & devastated if I brought this up again & decided to take action. I think it's too late for that now & I don't see the point. It wouldn't make me feel better & it would hurt everyone else. That's what I meant about 'rocking the boat', OMG.

Things are really difficult at the moment. I?ve felt very isolated, since DH left. That?s how I felt before my suicide attempt and I think that is why I have dredged this up again. I have just realised that it is almost exactly 10 years since I took an overdose. Maybe that is significant in this too. I don?t feel depressed now, just very sad. And confused.

My living situation is not good and there's a chance I may have to go and live with my mum & s-father (yes, him). I'm doing my best to avoid that but I may have nowhere else to go. It'd only be for a few weeks... He's actually great with DS. I feel so mixed up when I see them together ? they look so happy but I have that nagging feeling in the back of my mind ?what if he hurts my baby??. I wouldn't let him be alone in a room with him though. I won?t put DS in a situation where it could happen to him. I do wonder how I can continue to politely refuse my parents offers of babysitting though. I?d love to leave DS for a few hours with them, but given that my mum didn?t protect me, I just can?t trust her to protect him. I do sometimes worry that I will leave DS in a dangerous situation. Not deliberately but because I?m not thinking straight.

Anyway, I?m waffling now & am not really saying what I want to. I know I need to take control of this. It's just hard to begin.

Thanks for all the links. I'm just looking at them now. I really appreciate your support, all of you. Thank you so much.

abitmessedup, first of all I wanted to mention the Samaritans . If you don't feel up to talking, they do an email service - they can be a fabulous support should you find yourself in a desperate situation.

I thought I had protected by sisters from this man (a relative but not my father - I'm the eldest child) but was also devastated when I found out (around age 16) that I hadn't.

Cowardice and abitmessedup, I'm not going to preach to you about still being in contact with him because I kept in contact with my abuser as well to keep the peace in the family (not very often, but every now and then) - BUT it was when he made an abortive attempt to have his way again with me (this happened fairly recently), that I realised how ridiculous I had been about the whole thing. These men are ABUSERS, they are PAEDOPHILES - and I have to say to you, you REALLY should not be worrying about the effect this has on your extended family because we are talking about YOUR life and the life of your children here.

I too had never discussed this with anyone but I realise a part of that was because I was so ashamed, also because I felt terribly guilty for not protecting my sisters BUT also because I suppose deep down, I too felt I was weak and stupid for not confronting the matter (and I have always seen myself as a strong person).

You don't have to go to the police (I went largely because I was concerned this man may have had access to school children) but I beg, beg, beg you to at least consider cutting these men out of your lives.

Reporting it to the police was terrifying but they were fantastic with me - I also found out this man had a previous sex related offence on his record - I'm not sure it helped put it behind me because I did feel v unsettled knowing it was 'out in the open' but it certainly calmed that terrible panic (feeling threatened by him and worried that he would get me) I had inside me.

ABitMessedUp - your story is very painful. (as is everybody's who has contributed to this thread). I don't speak from any experience of this, but I feel very distressed that you feel you may be forced to live in a house with this man. There is no doubt that there would come a moment when some circumstance faces you with leaving DS with him or putting your foot down. And since you will be in their power because you depend on them for a roof it will be even harder to not think 'oh it's only for an hour'.

Can you speak to WomensAid about your problem? I am sure they can offer you help and advice about what you can do about housing. Or Social Services? About housing you as a vulnerable woman?
Any other MN-ers have advice and experience about this?

I just wanted to thank you all for your support on this. I have now calmed down and am back to my old self - not thinking about all this and having a bright, happy facade etc. I am not ignoring what you have said though, I am working out what to do next - how to proceed without losing the few people I have in my life whilst protecting DS. I really appreciate everyone's help. I don't think you know how much help you were...

Thank you

x