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Original poster

Help I've found out my Dad's having an affair

48 replies

angelgabriel · 04/11/2006 22:34

For a while we've been suspicious about some of my dad's behaviour (being horrid to/about Mum, going off on mysterious trips, zealously guarding his phone, deciding to buy a flat which mum doesn't know about). Today my little sister (who still lives at home) came round to see me in tears because she'd been snooping on his mobile phone and found messages which were obviously from another woman. Now we don't know what to do. Should we confront him? My brother said it might make him leave mum. Sis wrote down the woman's phone number, so we could ring her and confront her, but I would feel less comfortable about that. He should be held responsible for doing the dirty.

We just want him to stop seeing this other woman. We don't want mum to find out. She may have suspicions, but to have them confirmed would be devastating. They've been married for 34 years. She has devoted her life to her husband and family.

I'm eldest of 4, so my lil sis and brothers think it should be my responsibilty to talk to him. What do I say and how do I do it?

OP posts:
ja9 · 04/11/2006 22:48

no advice sorry. really feel for you. hope someone who can offer wise words will be along soon.

emsiewill · 04/11/2006 23:09

I am far from wise, but I don't think it is necessarily a good thing to start trying to get involved in other people's marriages, even when the 'other people' are your own parents.

None of you know anything for sure, only what you have guessed, and found out by 'snooping'.

I just think you should tread really carefully.

Sorry, not really helpful at all...

Carmenere · 04/11/2006 23:14

Naieve of you all to think that a: you could stop him seing the other woman and b: it would make everything alright if he did.

Sorry for your horrible predicament

FWIW I would probably talk to your father and put it up to him to sort his life out. There is always the possiblity that your mother knows and chooses to ignore the fact.

BATtymumma · 04/11/2006 23:18

you should confront him. if he has bought a flat then im sorry to say that it would look like the writting is on the wall for your mother anyway.

inform him that you and your siblings know, tell him how disgusted you are with his behaviour and that he has 2 choices, he tells your mother or you do.

she has a right to know what has been happening. can you imagine how she would feel if this was all covered up and in years to come she found out that everyone knew but her.

its a dreadfull situation, one where there is no easy option.

nearlythree · 04/11/2006 23:22

Don't think it's fair that you get lumbered with this, it is in no way your responsbility just b/c you are the eldest. I'd try not to say anything if I were you. Assuming that he is having an affair and isn't just getting flirty messages from some woman, maybe your dad has had affairs before, maybe your mum knows and ignores/doesn't care...Maybe your dad would leave her if you confront him - would that help your mum? I've learned that even when it's our very nearest and dearest the best thing to do with someone elses' marital problems is to keep well out of it unless asked for help.

And do you remember how horrible it felt when your parents went through your things? Might be worth reminding your sister of that, no-one ever finds anything to make them feel any better by snooping.

Original poster
angelgabriel · 04/11/2006 23:23

Didn't assume we can make him stop seeing other woman - just that this would be (from our point of view) most desirable thing.

OP posts:
usandbump · 05/11/2006 08:29

It sounds like he has been acting very suspiciously, maybe your Mum already knows or as an idea?
I'm not sure what I would do and I think it depends on your relationship with your parents anyhow.
I think I may talk to my dad and ask if he was ok and say I was worried about him. I'd wait and see how the converstaion went and then decide how much to say.

usandbump · 05/11/2006 08:31

Have just read three's post and I agree entirely. If your mother does know and is ignoring it or whatever she may be forced to act if she knows that all her children are aware too?

Pruni · 05/11/2006 08:53

Message withdrawn

paulaplumpbottom · 05/11/2006 09:04

Once upon a time I was in a very similar situation to yours. My brother and sister and I confronted our dad and he reacted very badly. He was very angry that we had followed him. We thought he would be understanding but wasn't. He moved out the next day. We have hardly seen him since. We ended up having to tell our Mombecause he was too much of a coward. Having said all of that I still think that confronting him was the right thing to do. Maybe your father won't be so unreasonable. It might wake him up to what a fool he is being. I do think that you should do it all together though. One person shouldn't have that responsibility and if there was only one surely it should be your sister the snooper whose responsibilty it is. You should also be prepared that if your Mom finds out that you knew and she didn't she'll be really hurt. I wouldn't tell your mom yourselves though.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:02

i found out tonight that my dad is definately having an affair, ive suspected it for years as he goes of on oreign holidays supposedly with mates weve never met etc, but tonight i heard him telling someone else on the phone that he loved them and calling them sweetie, my sister overheard a conversation like this a few years ago but because i didnt hear it with my own ears i believed it but couldnt verify it. i have said to my mum for years ive thought it but shes always told me im over suspicious of everyone, (which i am). now i know for sure what the hell do i do

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:04

Stay out. It's none of your business and for all you know, your mum probably knows.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:08

but hes my dad, when you have an affair you dont just betray your wie you betray your kids, and im one of them, im 26 and understand about these things but hes still my dad and at the minute i never want to see him again

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:10

Well tell him you know then. But tbh, his marriage with your mum really isn't your business. Anything that effects his status as a father yes, but his status as a husband is not your business. It's up to him and his wife. And if he has been doing this for a while, I'll bet you anything your mum knows.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:11

what do you mean knows and he knows she knows? or that just she knows and chooses to ignore it

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:14

That she knows and chooses to ignore it. You aren't married for that long, and have an affair go on for that long, not to get suspicious yourself.

If you feel that bad about it, tell him what you heard. But keep it between him and you eh? I'm sure your poor mum doesn't want everyone talking about her and her marriage right now.

edam · 15/11/2006 23:16

Angel, don't let your brothers and sisters dump the job on you - confront him as a group or get someone to volunteer. Suggest you tell him a. you lot know about it b. you expect him to do something about it c. if he doesn't, you will tell your mum. But you have to accept that if you do confront him, his answer might be to leave your mum.

I think Pruni's on the right track wrt sorting out money for your mum so she'll be OK if he does go.

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:18

If your mum knows and is ignoring it, she won't thank you if you confront your dad and he goes off with the other woman. Equally she may know and he knows and doesn't care, in which case they may find your knowing excruciatingly embarrassing.

The difficulty is that you will find it hard to face your dad without showing that something is badly wrong. But if you can, try to carry on and leave them to it.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:21

i never want to see him again, yet i live with him! i hate liars more than anything. dont know how to play this at all

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:22

Hmmm, it's his house, his marriage and therefore his rules I'm afraid! You could tell him how it makes you feel. Be honest with him.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:23

i just told him what i heard him say on the phone and he denied it said he was on the phone to his boss, im his daughter regardless of my mum i feel hes lied to me now

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:23

Definitely sounds like your mum knows that your dad is unfaithful. I'd just try to keep out of your dad's way.

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:24

Okay, so now you've told him, you have to ask him to be honest with you. Unless he fancies his boss?????

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:25

whats the point when in effect hes making me out to be a nutter

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:27

Tell him that one of the things he taught you was never to lie. You think he is lying, but that's his business, whatever. Tell him you are sorry but your relationship with him is affected by this and you'll move out as soon as you can. And that the conversation you have just had stays with you because you have some morals, unlike him!

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