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Original poster

Help I've found out my Dad's having an affair

48 replies

angelgabriel · 04/11/2006 22:34

For a while we've been suspicious about some of my dad's behaviour (being horrid to/about Mum, going off on mysterious trips, zealously guarding his phone, deciding to buy a flat which mum doesn't know about). Today my little sister (who still lives at home) came round to see me in tears because she'd been snooping on his mobile phone and found messages which were obviously from another woman. Now we don't know what to do. Should we confront him? My brother said it might make him leave mum. Sis wrote down the woman's phone number, so we could ring her and confront her, but I would feel less comfortable about that. He should be held responsible for doing the dirty.

We just want him to stop seeing this other woman. We don't want mum to find out. She may have suspicions, but to have them confirmed would be devastating. They've been married for 34 years. She has devoted her life to her husband and family.

I'm eldest of 4, so my lil sis and brothers think it should be my responsibilty to talk to him. What do I say and how do I do it?

OP posts:

SherlockLGJ · 15/11/2006 23:27

I have missed something..........??

The OP was angelgabriel and now we are all "conversing" with durbs ??? {Confused)

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:28

Tell him what you have told us - that he is your dad and that you feel betrayed - also that at 26 you are not stupid and know he doesn't tell his boss he loves him. Tell him you would rather he was honest with you even though you might not like what you hear. If he still carries on, walk away.

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:29

LGJ, the thread was archived and has been revived by durbs!

SherlockLGJ · 15/11/2006 23:30

So the question is....who is Durbs ??

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:30

everyone on here is fab, u have all been a godsend tonight,
i dont lie i hate liars and i think im going to move out tomorrow because if my mum knows then she doesnt care about us either

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:32

durbs, if your mum knows then she has probably put up with a lot of pain and humiliation to stop you from knowing and to keep her family together.

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:32

Chill durbs! What they do in their marriage is as much of your business as what you do with your boyfriends is their business!

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:34

it is my business! hes the man ive always most looked up to in the world who has always portrayed himself as the perfect family man, i feel cheeated

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:36

Sorry, durbs, it's a part of life, finding out that our parents aren't the people we thought they were.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:37

thanks nearlythree. sad old world then hey

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:37

I wouldn't punish your mum though!

And sorry mate, really am, but your dad is human and prone to mistakes like all of us. Perhaps when you've made one or two of them you'll understand too? I'm not trying to say that you don't have the right to feel hurt, just not to overeact and make this into a family scandal.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:39

is this bloke reunited.com? are you all male answering me

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:40

Don't know if you're actually a mum yourself, but one day our kids will find out about our weaknesses just like we do our own parents'. It's just life, no-one is perfect, and as daughters we often build these myths around our dads that it is so hard to see destroyed.

Rhubarb · 15/11/2006 23:42

calm down durbs and sleep on it eh?

I'm speaking as someone older than you whose parents have split up, my mum had an affair, both are now remarried. My mum lied too, and still does. I don't have a relationship with her anymore but not because of that.

plibble · 15/11/2006 23:42

Durbs, you are in such a difficult position, but I think that if I were you I would keep schtum and not say anything to anyone.

Speaking to your dad (especially while you are so angry) could end up with one or both of you saying or doing something you regret.

If something is going on, you have to remember that just because your parents' relationship is not what you think it should be does not mean that they do not love you. Actually it doesn't even mean that they don't love each other. You are an adult and so are not directly involved in their relationship. All you can do is support and love them both.

If you do nothing you are less likely to end up inadvertantly hurting either or both of your parents or dealing a blow to their relationship.

durbs · 15/11/2006 23:43

if he was in debt or was lying about his work etc id be totally there, but saying your going sailing with a mate no one knew existed for the last 3 years and then finding out another woman was really the case requires some telling a real web of lies and it makes me sad

nearlythree · 15/11/2006 23:45

I think giving yourself some space is a good idea. Maybe stay at a mates or something for a few days'?

(Rhubarb, we sound so old...)

jampots · 15/11/2006 23:56

one of my friends has been aware (as have her brothers and sister) for some time that their dad is carrying on with another woman (over 20 years). Their mother isnt stupid but chooses to turn a blind eye. ALthough I now think that his treatment of her over teh years are starting to take their toll and she appears to becoming more unstable emotionally - that said they are in their 70s.

I wouldnt admit to knowing about the texts after all they are private but you could confront him and say that you and your siblings feel that he may be hiding something from you all, and let him know that under no circumstances should he try to hurt your mum emotionally after all she has given him you 4 etc etc etc.

mytwopenceworth · 19/11/2006 18:18

can i turn this around and ask those who have replied so far -

your own husband/partner is having an affair and has been doing so for a long time. they are declaring love for someone other than you. someone else knows, maybe more than one person. do you want to be told that your other half is not your other half, but someone you timeshare, or would you prefer to welcome your faithless 'partner' into your bed and look into those eyes that look into someone elses eyes in their bed. in ignorance tell him you love him, hold him, kiss him, make him a meal while he knows what he's doing to you?!!! tell other people how great he is and they look at you and think, "ha, thats what you think!" because HELL, i would want to be told. ASAP!! ignorance is NOT bliss. ignorance allows you to be made a fool of. knowledge is power.

expatinscotland · 19/11/2006 18:19

I agree 100% w/MTPW.

Original poster

angelgabriel · 20/11/2006 14:02

An update: we have not yet confronted my Dad about the texts. As time has gone on we have all started to feel a bit less angry. We have found out who she is and she lives hundreds of miles away, so at least he can't sneak of to see her all the time.

I am very sad about the state of my parents relationship. My mum does suspect something, she found a birthday card to his secretary signed 'love you always' and is concerned he is having an affair with her (we are sure she is a lesbian - so its unlikely). My sister who lives at home and shares his computer found that he had been on a website www.illicitencounters.com a dating agency designed for extra marital affairs. I feel sad that their relationship is so unsatisfactory to him that he feels he needs to do this. He retired 18 months ago and has been a bit depressed since - with not much to do, while mum is busy and sociable and still working part time. I think maybe this is why he has sought solace in someone else. Not a justification though. I look at their wedding photos and photos of him with us when we were all young and feel betrayed. But it is their relationship.

As far as money - Mum has no worries about that - their house is in her name and she is quite financially independent.

We'll see what happens at Christmas - we are all at my parents house. It could be unbearable.

I might say something to him in the most non-confrontational way possible. Perhaps just letting him know we know might bring him to his senses.

OP posts:

TheHighwayCod · 20/11/2006 14:04

HI angela
w ahev this wiht my MIL
w ehave kept quiet btu she mUSt knwo we know

Original poster

angelgabriel · 20/11/2006 22:45

cod why do you think she knows you know?

OP posts:

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