should SAHMs do all of the houswork?

[secondtimer]

I would love to hear views on this since my dh and I are in dispute over it at the moment. I have 4 children, 3 teenagers from previous marriage ds1 (18) ds2 (15) dd (13), and ds3 (2). I gave up work a year ago and since then the norm has evolved that I am responsible for all cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping and childcare. My teenagers clear up after dinner and fill the dishwasher. They also clean the chincilla weekly and their rooms when nagged. Dd also sometimes cooks dinner. They do a lot of playing with and minding of baby brother. Dh works full time but does no routine housework. Does DIY and mends car - when he gets around to it. Is very messy and has many many hobbies and interests which mean that when not at work he is busy with these most of the time.

We are currently in major dispute over this. Dh says I am always angry about my responsibilities and treat him like a child, and that the teenagers don't to enough. I say he acts like a single man with a servant.

Am I being unreasonable?

I agree with Twiglett. If I am 'the housewife' then I do the housework. Not very PC I know but it works in our house.

joins twiglett on the ice

I am a SAHM and I run a business from home. DH goes to work.
I look after DS and DD ... I do what housework I can during the day but it isn't possible to get it all done.
When DH comes home I tend to mentally 'clock off'. He always bathes the children and then I 'do' DD (ie bed time b/f) and he 'does' DS (ie story. We totally share the cooking 1/2 and 1/2 ... but I plan what we eat and when ... so if it is his turn I tell him what to cook.
I used to do all the grocery shopping but since DD was born I haven't yet braved a supermarket with 2 children so DH does it on Saturdays.
Things like washing and ironing we share ... he is not stupid, if he sees there is washing to be done he puts a wash on ... he also hangs out washing if necessary ... and he irons when he sees the ironing basket getting full ... He also puts washing away ...
He cleans too, but only if I ask him too ...
Actually reading this back it seems I married a domestic god ...
He does get to play cricket and golf and go on jolly piss ups with work (days out on boats, golf days, sports matches) ... and he has nice work clothes ... I can't remember the last time I bought anything nice to wear

message withdrawn

Oh right, here's that thread mentioned on the other one! Secondtimer, I've just gone back to work after being a SAHM and I didn't do all the housework when I was a SAHM. I didn't do much at all actually if I'm honest, except childcare and shopping (and mumsnetting). Dp (a SAHD now) is showing me up by keeping the house clean and keeping on top of the washing and having supper on the table when I get in. But I don't expect him to do any of it, I want him to have a nice day and look after the children and them all to be safe and happy: sod the house, we can all pitch in at the weekends. Equally, I could do the shopping in my lunch hour but atm he's happy to do it. So I think the SAH partner is there to look after the children really and do as much or as little as they feel like doing (little in my case, much in dp's case!) and the other one should get on and help the minute they come in. When I was a sahm I was relieved when dp got in and I could hand over for half an hour and now he does the same to me. It's fine so far, I can cope with 2 children when I haven't had to deal with them all day. I still stand by my previous assertions that being a SAHP is harder than being a work outside the home one and actually, the job is childcare and related duties, not being an unpaid housekeeper, which is what a lot of sahps end up being. Ideally I think, you pay for someone to do the housework in much the same way as you might expect to if you had a nanny - i.e. she would do childcare only and wouldn't be expected to clean the house.

I'm a SAHM. I get up early and lovingly prepare a nourishing breakfast for all my family then send them off to school and work. Then I do the washing up, hoovering, dusting, laundry, make the beds, polish the furniture, clean the windows (every day, of course). When the family come home there is a three course meal waiting for them and I consider it a privilege to clear up afterwards. Naturally all day long I am immaculately dressed and perfectly made up. (Oh, I seem to have wandered into h's dream.)
In reality: H usually washes up after evening meal and sometimes sweeps the kitchen floor (sweeping round any obstacles rather than moving them). I do everything else.

Housework? Wassat?

Before dd, when DH and I both worked, people occasionally used to ask if DH "helped" me with the housework. I used to say "no, he has enough to do with his own half-share of the housework, let alone help me with my half". Or people would comment that he was "so good" because he did some housework. Its incredible how many people still see housework as the woman's job.

And now - have to agree with what others have said; the job of a SAHM is mum-ing, not cleaning. I do any housework that fits in around dd but she comes first. I hand dd over to DH when he gets in and I have some me-time. In return he gets two 45-minute train journeys (playing games on his laptop), a couple of nice walks (by himself, what bliss), a whole hour for lunch, and endless opportunities to finish hot cups of coffee and go to the loo without an audience. He can share the housework! (we only do the minimum anyway)

my dh doesn't do much at all. I do feel guilty for thinking that he should, because he does loads of overtime and does 12 hour shifts and can go for two weeks or more without a day off. But when hes on holiday or if he does get a day off he does help and now my kids are abit older i try to make them clear up there toys and try to keep their rooms tidy. I suppose it depends on how you look at it and if it bothers you. I can say that yes sometimes it does bother me, but most of the time it doesn't. He never really moans at the mess and does agree that it is hard (for me anyway) to keep on top of it. He pays our bills, and am lucky enough at the moment to be able to stay at home with my two children. sorry was going into abit of a rant. lol.

LOL discordia! My MIL tells me how her hubby expected his dinner on the table at 6pm, after having already come home for lunch and all the housework done when she had 2 toddlers at home! How did she manage and with no CBeebies either! I often tell my DH I would gladly have dinner on the table at 6 - it would be bloody cold by the time he got home though...

Nope. I cleaned the bathroom today, while dh was on his hands and knees cleaning our living room floor, and generally making it tidier. He even hoovered. And he did an excellent job.

I agree with you Oliveoil and this form someone who has been: a full time working mum, a SAHM, and a part time working mum.
Like Oilveoil I work 3 days per week, keep on top of all cleaning, eashing food shopping and cooking. DH and Ishare bath, story, homework and bedtime. DH does most of garden, DIY/decorating, mending, cars, rubbish bins and recycling etc.
He also tidys round in evening and puts on/unloads washing is asked
It suits us this way.

by the way, eshing food shopping translates as washing, food shopping...............

I'm a SAHM and DH works full time in a stressful job. This is how our housework routine is shared....

ME
Cleaning
Internal window cleaning
Tidying
Hoovering
Laundry
Ironing
DD's meals
Decorating
Gardening (except lawns)
Worming/de-fleaing the cats
I organise boys bath times and make sure they are presentable for school

DH
Cooking
Gets the boys up and gives them brekkie
Boys lunchboxes
Unloading the dishwasher
DD's bath-time (not really a 'chore', it's their special time together).
Mowing the lawn
Bits of DIY

BOYS (10 & almost 12)
Responsible for tidying their rooms (I do the cleaning part)
Feeding the cats
Emptying their lunchboxes and putting them in the d/washer
Putting bin bags out weekly

SHARED
Loading the dishwasher
Emptying the bins
General tidying
Food shopping

wsm, do you think that is a fair split?

Plus I also do homework help !

Yes, I do. Do you ?

I should also add that DH loves to cook and is great at it, whereas I hate it and my food is inedible !!!

wsm, it clearly not a 50/50 split, but i would think that was fair given your dh works long hours. i suppose the key thing is whether the two of you are happy with it.

of course i meant "works long hours outside the home"...

Most of DH's 'jobs' in the house take minutes (chucking cereal in a bowl for the boys and making the odd sandwich), whereas mine take hours (cleaning, ironing, laundry). So I do think that the division of labour is fair.

DH doesn't work particularly long hours, he starts at 9 and finishes at 5.30 most days. If he wasn't getting in until 7pm+ then I think things would be rethought, but as it stands he is home by 5.45pm !

I think as long as people do what works for them, then what is the problem?

My bro in law is the laziest arse known to man - they both work full time but he phones her if she works late wondering when she will be back as he is hungry!!!! And when he tried to make pasta he did it in a frying pan! I could go on. But she seems happy with the situation and doesn't seem bothered, whereas I would be laying down the law and buying him some cookbooks.

wsm, when you said "stressful" i automatically equated that with long hours!

No, sorry, he works in a pressure-cooker sales environment, managing quickdraw salesmen with dubious organisational and people skills !!!!