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Original poster

should SAHMs do all of the houswork?

72 replies

secondtimer · 27/04/2004 16:44

I would love to hear views on this since my dh and I are in dispute over it at the moment. I have 4 children, 3 teenagers from previous marriage ds1 (18) ds2 (15) dd (13), and ds3 (2). I gave up work a year ago and since then the norm has evolved that I am responsible for all cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping and childcare. My teenagers clear up after dinner and fill the dishwasher. They also clean the chincilla weekly and their rooms when nagged. Dd also sometimes cooks dinner. They do a lot of playing with and minding of baby brother. Dh works full time but does no routine housework. Does DIY and mends car - when he gets around to it. Is very messy and has many many hobbies and interests which mean that when not at work he is busy with these most of the time.

We are currently in major dispute over this. Dh says I am always angry about my responsibilities and treat him like a child, and that the teenagers don't to enough. I say he acts like a single man with a servant.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Nutcracker · 27/04/2004 16:50

Me and my dp have 3 kids 6,4 and 16mths and he works full time, i am a sahm. I do all of the washing, cooking, and clean the bathroom oh and do all the ironing. Dp will wash up after dinner and help tidy the living room, but thats it.

corblimey · 27/04/2004 16:50

No, I don't think you are. You are doing more than a normal full time job in caring for your family (esp a toddler). If dh lives in the house and contributes to it's mess, then he should take his share in clearing up (just like your teenagers).

As I am at home, I do most of the cleaning etc. but if I haven't had time to do it, or am just too knackered, then dh expects to do some too. He does cook more often than I, but he enjoys that, it relaxes him.

You are a wife, mother and homemaker, but that doesn't equate to being a drudge.

Original poster
secondtimer · 27/04/2004 16:55

Thanks for comments. It's mainly childcare duties I'd like some help with, like the nightly bath, nappies and amusement, especially during weekends. How much do your other halves do?

OP posts:
mummysurfer · 27/04/2004 17:01

i was a sahm, now working part-time. i do most of it, but when we're both here i.e. evenbings & weekends i expect him to do share w/e evening jobs like dishwasher, bedtime, bathtime and cooking at w/e.
having said that he doesn't always do his share and it does lead to tension.

corblimey · 27/04/2004 17:01

Oh definately, that's part of being a father, not what I class as domestic duties. Your dh should take pleasure in taking his turn at bathing and bedtime story reading etc.

For what it's worth, my dh has 2 children from his first marriage, now aged 21 and 16. He baths and bedtimes our ds aged 4 on alternate evenings, cos now he realises what he missed the first time round.

I'd show your dh this, and ask him why he doesn't want to be a 'daddy'.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I feel strongly about parenting issues like this.

kiwisbird · 27/04/2004 17:17

I do almostt all of it, its my trade off, but when I need help he helps, he will do many of the chores at a weekend too, if I ask him to help with washing he will...
No... hes not for sale

bossykate · 27/04/2004 17:20

just out of interest, what do you think would be a fair split of housework for a SAHM and a father working outside the home say 45 hrs per week (including commuting time).

GrannyPants · 27/04/2004 17:21

Childcare is part of being a parent. Why have a child if you're unwilling to have any part in his/her care??? With regards to the rest of the housework etc, presumably your dh feels that he is entitled to some time off in the evenings and at weekends? Why should you not be entitled to the same?

bossykate · 27/04/2004 17:21

ok, a lot depends on age of child, but say a 2yr old with a well established sleep routine.

GeorginaA · 27/04/2004 17:25

I do as much as I can during the day with a toddler about (in short bursts).

Anything left over by the weekend is shared equally (in fact, if anything, unequally - dh takes over most of the childcare at the weekend and tries to do at least one chore like change the beds or clean bathrooms or something).

Once ds is in bed we feel that both of us are "entitled" to have that as our "time off".

We're both fairly happy with this system, but we're also both fairly happy with a small amount of disorder in the house

Original poster
secondtimer · 27/04/2004 17:28

What about other hobbies/interests? My dh repairs and rides motorbikes, makes and uses radio controlled cars, plays tennis, golf, uses internet every day. Obviously not all of them all of the time but they do take quite a commitment. I go to the gym 2 hours per week (ds3 goes to the creche) and yoga one hour (dh babysits). I think he should give some of his interests up while ds3 is small. What do you think? Do your husbands/partners have many hobbies?

OP posts:
dinosaur · 27/04/2004 17:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Freckle · 27/04/2004 17:34

Well, I'm supposed to do most of the housework (my 3 are all at school), but in practice I don't and dh will often do a major tidying up. He used to do a lot of washing up, but, since we acquired a dishwasher, that has stopped - he seems incapable of filling or emptying the d/w.

However, I don't consider childcare duties part of the housework. Dh has always been very hands on and I think he would have been most upset if I'd done all the bathing, nappies, etc. without allowing him some input. In fact, he used to just come in from work and take over dealing with the boys automatically - I was usually quite ready for him to do this too.

I don't expect him to do any housework, but it is nice when he does some. I do expect him to help with the children and we would both consider him to be failing in the father department if he didn't.

Original poster
secondtimer · 27/04/2004 17:37

Thanks Freckle. I am always made to feel bad if I ask dh to take over as soon as he comes in - because he's been at work all day!! I also am in need of a break most of the time by then.

OP posts:
Freckle · 27/04/2004 17:42

Maybe you could compromise by letting him have some time to himself before he plunges in with the children. My dh just did it automatically without being asked because he enjoyed being with the children so much. He'd fight me to be able to bath them. But not all men are like that, so perhaps allowances could be made or he could be broken in gently. I'm sure that, once he does get involved, he'll kick himself for having missed out on so much previously.

aloha · 27/04/2004 17:46

Secondtimer, let's see - so you work all day and all evening...but your dh just does nine to five and then has fun... so nope, I wouldn't say that was fair.

Original poster
secondtimer · 27/04/2004 17:52

This is really helpful, thanks. I don't want to make dh out to be an ogre (but we did have a row last night so I might be a bit bitter) - he is kind and will do things when I ask, but I would like him to take the initiative more. Is that too much to expect? I know that i am very organised and like things done quickly whereas he is much more laid back and does them in his own time but baby things do need a bit of routine, and so unless I am constantly asking him to help I just end up doing it myself

OP posts:
Codswallop · 27/04/2004 18:04

I do the girls stuff, he does the boys stuff
easy

AussieSim · 27/04/2004 18:19

My DH is good in the house, tidies, cooks, makes bed etc and likes to play with DS, but I have to explode every now and then for him to realise that I would actually like him to relieve me of some of the routine care of DS on weekends. He is then good for a short period of time before he relapses. Mind you he would say that sometimes he offers and I knock him back eg when I know DS is tired and feeding him will be difficult, or when it seems too much trouble to describe every step involved in treating DS's excema and getting him dressed for the day. DH's regular job is to have a bath with DS on weekends - but I do the prep and the post so it is really just a playing job. I only bath my DS once a week though so ...

I am lucky that I have a cleaner come once a fortnight, which takes care of the jobs - bathrooms, mopping, windows etc, as well as preventing the place from turning into an absolute tip.

I think that it is often a generational thing with men too (prepared to be shot down if I am wrong).

grumpyzebra · 27/04/2004 18:19

Aw, men taking the initiative, Secondtimer? Now that really is expecting a lot, don't you think?
I thought what Grannypants said was spot on.
Good thread, though... I have been wondering the same thing.

Flip · 27/04/2004 18:20

I find being at home more stressful than working. I've taken a year off and today I took dh to the train station at 7.30, ds1 to school at 9.00, took some raffle prizes to pre-school, took ds2 to my mothers at 10.00, picked ds1 up from school at 10.30 and took him to his hospital appointment, took him back to school at 1.00, picked ds2 up from my mothers at 1.15, took him to the clinic for his immunisations for 1.30, went back to school to pick ds1 up for 3.15, swimming lesson at 4.30, pick dh up at 5.10 and then home!

I'm thinking of going back to work for a rest! It's no joke. My days are so stressful and none stop. But dh does cook tea, clean the kitchen, bath the kids and put them to bed. He's an angel!

hercules · 27/04/2004 18:23

As far as I am concerned once dh comes home then it's shared down the middle. We've always shared it (much to his familys disgust).

Codswallop · 27/04/2004 18:26

I do more as I have times at home when I do nothing ( ie kids at nursery and so on)

But then we get weekends like last wekend when he spent all day doing the hedges, which I would hate to do

give and take is the name of the game and not so much " I did that, whats he doing?" - drives you nuts that

SoupDragon · 27/04/2004 18:31

Dh works long hours and I'm a SAHM. His fixed Parental Duties are bathtime and bedtime story. He sometimes gets them (DSs 5 and 3) breakfast in the morning when he's downstairs before me, weekends he'll sometimes get them lunch etc and obviously he'll babysit for all those wild nights out I go on.

I get 2 "days" off when DS1 is at school and DS2 is in nursery and DH gets to play golf at the weekends so that's kind of fair. It all evens out at the end of the day really but I do get annoyed when he whinges about my 2 days off. He doesn't understand that I "work" later in the evening than he does, work more on weekends and am on call 24 hours a day.

Codswallop · 27/04/2004 18:33

ds2 at nursery all day.. wow! that wont happen to me for a while!

you an d I are just the same soupy I think except dh is rareley back fro bedtime.

His fixed job is ds1's homewrok and I always try and overhear that as its hilarious

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