should SAHMs do all of the houswork?

[secondtimer]

I would love to hear views on this since my dh and I are in dispute over it at the moment. I have 4 children, 3 teenagers from previous marriage ds1 (18) ds2 (15) dd (13), and ds3 (2). I gave up work a year ago and since then the norm has evolved that I am responsible for all cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping and childcare. My teenagers clear up after dinner and fill the dishwasher. They also clean the chincilla weekly and their rooms when nagged. Dd also sometimes cooks dinner. They do a lot of playing with and minding of baby brother. Dh works full time but does no routine housework. Does DIY and mends car - when he gets around to it. Is very messy and has many many hobbies and interests which mean that when not at work he is busy with these most of the time.

We are currently in major dispute over this. Dh says I am always angry about my responsibilities and treat him like a child, and that the teenagers don't to enough. I say he acts like a single man with a servant.

Am I being unreasonable?

Both DSs went to full time nursery for 2 days a week from the age of 2. Bliss! DH often misses bedtime too. DS1 doesn't get homework yet but that will definitely be a "blue job" in our house. Unless it's creative homework.

It's true, Flip, looking after little kids is very much harder than going to work. DH was my part-time childminder for a year and he knows this better than anybody!

For a couple both working with no kids, I would expect the man to do 50% of the household chores.

Once a man has kids, whether the woman was in paid work or not, I do not think he should do fewer chores than he did before the kids, IYSWIM.

Don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I do most of the chores within the house, DH does the outside chores.

He will wash up after dinner and will take it upon himself to sort out the washing if any needs doing.

I do feel though that all of the housework should be my job and feel that I've let myself down if DH does any at all.

looking after children (esp pre-school) is like full time job, so dh should definitely share housework imo. i do most stuff during the week (dh arrives home after ds's bedtime) and dh does most stuff at weekends. we both try to give each other breaks when we need them, like i'll take ds to grandparents for afternoon on a sunday sometimes so that he can chill out. he does mornings with ds before he goes to work so after first feed i get to go back to bed! i think i'm incredibly lucky to have him, but i also think that it is the way it should be. you both have children, one of you earns money the other doesn't but you both work iyswim.

I do all the housework, tidying etc during the day when I get the chance, but dh will do ironing (2 times a week)(I hate ironing!), tidy when I ask him (in the evenings, weekends) and will do things like breakfast, bedtime routine etc without being asked. I usually cook dinner, but DH will do it if it isn't ready when he gets home. secondtimer I think you're right in being annoyed - the evenings/weekends are time for both of you to do housework and pursue hobbies. I realise I am really lucky compared to alot of sahms, but it would be nice to have a partner who would do housework without being nagged! (

No. My dh doesn't spend 24 hours a day at work, so why should I?

Well said Toddlerbob.
Surely the important word in SAHM is 'mum' ? it doesn't say 'slave'. He's an adult, and a parent, he should take some responsiblity for his kids and his home. You are not his servant.

Even though dh does plenty overall, I was going crazy that he didn't 'take the initiative' to do more of the childcare, now we have planned times when he does bath bed etc with dd, and then he helps out spontaneously other times. Sunday mornings are sacred, it's my turn for a lie in and he gets her up and dressed and breakfasted. I'm back at work 4 days per week now, (so situation is a bit different) but he gives her tea, baths her and puts her to bed two days per week and gets her up etc two days per week. I would say that his bond with her has grown incredibly since he started doing more, and also that he was feeling that I wanted to do everything all the time (i guess its easy to 'take over' when he's starting to do something) and so he backed off.

for me i think it changes with age/needs of children so needs constant renegotiation, atm my ds is 16 wks and mixed feeding, also dp is working and also has a medical condition that means broken sleep is bad news. therefore the night stuff is my job and most of feeding is as well. i must say i really notice that dp is losing confidence in handling ds since i am trying to breastfeed more - a really bad side-effect. but no worries - selflessly i am going out more to give him more time alone with ds. also bath is always a joint enterprise, too much fun not to be. but generally i do try to avoid handing him ds as he enters the house, try to give him a few minutes to relax. re housework, atm i do all shopping and cooking, he does a daily washup. i do do all cleaning but that's not saying much as neither of us care very much. generally i have more tolerance for mess than him so he tidies up quite a lot. also he is careful with clothes and wears same shirt several days - saves a lot of ironing. makes us sound like steptoe (wife) and son, eh.

No and it's a good thing in this house or we'd all be living in squalor... I am married to one of those men who likes cleaning so he does most of it even though he works full time and I am a SAHM. I do all child care and related stuff (HV, clothes shopping etc) laundry and cooking. TBH I do find it hard during the day to keep on top of stuff like meals and laundry with 2 DSs around but I know when DS1 goes to pre-school and eventually nursery (counting down the days!) I will do more - promise! (BTW I'm sure MIL thinks I'm very lazy making DH do all the cleaning! )

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts. I will try negotiating set times when dh is responsible for ds3. I know I do sometimes take over and i do try to back off. Will try harder, and will be more assertive.

This was my first chat and I've really enjoyed it cheers.

i am a sahm and do most of the housework although I do have a weekly cleaner .My dh does a lot of childcare ie. baths,plays,feeds etc.He wouldn't have anything to do with ds if he didn't do it though so it's not exactly a chore for him.He also cooks occassionaly but enjoys cooking so finds it relaxing.
Doesn't do much for dd who is 12,but homework help when needed.

I think the house should be viewed as a shsred responsibility and you deserve respect.get him to tidy up after himself at least.

SECONSTIMER YOUA RE WELCOME.!

oops

How weird. My dh and I are in dispute over this. My husband works 38 hours per week and then overtime if there is any, I am a SAHM but also do Avon, make calendars, do paying surveys (anything to make an extra bob or two), and do all the cooking, cleaning and housework inc ironing, my dh does nothing round the house and plays golf 18 mornings out of every month......my dh should take a long hard look at himself and appreciate what he's got compared to other men, I for one, actually don't mind doing all the housie things as I am here most and they are done to my satisfaction when I do them!

I do all the washing, dusting, cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, toilets...dh does cooking on Sundays and during the week if I'm at work and he's at home...he also does shopping sometimes...so should be grateful really....however we've both had the day off work today, I've unstacked the dishwasher, done all the washing, made the bed, cooked children's tea and done 3 hours work tonight...he got a bit uppitty when I asked him if he'd stack the dishwasher with 2 plates and a handful of cutlery...as I cooked and had been at work tonight...also wash floor, iron and do most of gardening,,,work 5 days a week...sometimes 4...men do think women should do the majority but we've got so much on...we do need help without being accused of nagging!

I used to hand my kids over to DH the minute he walked though the door. Then I went out to work & realised that the last thing I wanted the second I walked in was children!! Luckily he remembered that & made allowances.

BUT my DH seems to have gradually started doing less & less as our kids have got older (& the kids do nothing- see other thread!), so I've "won" more and more of the work. Every so often we have a major row & things improve for a while. What really bugs me is when he sits down writing things out, or reading the paper, while there is stuff going on all around- children squabbling or the dog being a pain... I don't get to just sit- why should he?

My dh is a SAHD. With a 2.5 year old, we see his job as childcare, not housework. I expect him to do the lunch dishes and grocery shopping, but apart from that, all housework and childcare after I get home is shared out. In practise this means we share cooking and washing is sorted and folded in a group family exercise. Bathing and changing her is what I do when I get home. It's mummy and daughter time. When I was on maternity leave and DH was working, bathing was his responsibility.

I frequently come home to a bombsite of a house. Toys are everywhere, the child is a fright, no washing or cleaning has been done BUT they are both happy. She has had a fun time playing with her father, has been out to do something interesting and is happy ans stimulated.

As for weekends. It is accepted in our house that DH need some time on his own. In practise this usually means on Saturdays or Sundays (or both) when it is nap time, I stay at home with her and he wanders off to the pub or wherever. He'll come home 3 or 4 hours later.

I think your DH really has no idea about what is involved in bringing up choldren. He'll regret it later when his child is a teenager and he has absolutly NO relationship with him.

thats a difficult one as i am a sahm and my partner is a sahd so we automaticaly share the responceability

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twiglett, do you mean that you think it is right that the bulk of the housework falls on the shoulders of SAHMs or merely inevitable?

hope i have read your post right!

I do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping and day to day tidying. I also never have a lie in, I let DH have a lie-in both days at weekends. (How heroic of me!) But I have an alternative motive. I have an afternoon nap, which IMO suits me better as just as I start to flag after lunch I get 40 winks. DH gets up at 6.30 am weekdays to go to work and gets home at 6pm , even though DS and I are also up, at least we can just pad around in our PJ's till 9 ish (he's now at pre-school 3 x mornings a week. Sometimes especially if both tired, DH and I argue we've got it bad, but deep down I'd rather do all I do (which I do try to keep to a minimum!) than go out to work anyday.

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Not read all the posts but my thoughts are:

I work p/t (3 days) so I keep on top of the housework. Dh cooks and does the shopping, I clean up afterwards.

If I was a f/t sahm I would do all the housework, shopping whatever in the day, I would see this as my 'job'. When dh came home, we would split the childcare (feeding/bathtime/stories). But I don't class this as housework to be honest.

If I worked f/t, things would be split 50/50 as they were before dd came along. Dh likes cooking and shopping, so he does that, I like cleaning (I know!) so I do the housework. I try not to keep a tally as that only causes resentment if you are always mentally thinking 'bastardo. I cleaned the bathroom last week'.

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