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Original poster

Should you tell a friend's kid off?

28 replies

lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:08

Does anyone have a friend who makes them feel inadequate?
My son 2.5 is quite a gentle soul who is terrorised by my friends kid 1.5 - who snatches, pushes etc. Because of the age difference I feel like I have to always tell my child off when a scuffle kicks off and encourage him to share etc while reminding him that my friends child is just a baby. My friend meanwhile remains silent and never reprimands her child. Am made to feel like my child is a bit of a wuss although I don't wantto start encouraging him to snatch/push back! When my own child was 1.5 if he snatched i always made him give it back. Got to the stage now where my child doesn't want to play at my friends house which is a bit awkward as she is a close friend.
Got the feeling that my child recognises the unfairness of it all ie: he gets told off but not the other child. Any tips?

OP posts:
WelshBoris · 29/10/2006 11:11

Its not a donkey

Dont call it a kid

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:11

Oh please..too early to get told off...

OP posts:
2shoescreepingthroughblood · 29/10/2006 11:12

I would say something to the mum

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:14

How to approach though as she clearly dosen't think anything wrong. I don't think 1.5 is too early to show the child that it is wrong to snatchandpush

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 29/10/2006 11:15

Surely a kid is a goat, not a donkey anyway WB?

JonesTheSteam · 29/10/2006 11:16

How good a friend is she - would she be offended if you said something?

LittleScarer · 29/10/2006 11:17

That's what I thought Jones!

LittleScarer · 29/10/2006 11:19

To OP, it is difficult, how not to offend etc but I think in your shoes I would be pretty pissed off if she didn't make some sort of effort to tell off her child, even if he is younger.

So, you might need to say something... eek.

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:20

Thanks Jonesthesteam! You're right
A very good friend actually who is very good to me in other ways - but she doesn't like anyone checking her CHILDREN. Difficulty is now that my DS seems to have got a thing about little toddlers now - children younger than him - if approached he gets upset - think he thinks now that he will get pushed/snatched etc and makes such a fuss B4 anything happens now...the whole thing is escalating!

OP posts:
fortyplus · 29/10/2006 11:20

1.5 is too early to be told off - your friend's child is just playing and doesn't understand yet that your son doesn't enjoy the game. My 2 are like yours, but that doesn't mean that we're 'right' and your friend is 'wrong'.

Things will probably improve with time. Just tell yours that if the other's behaviour is unacceptable he should say 'No! I don't like that.'

And if you want to call your child a 'kid' that's fine by me - I think people who go on about that are so far up their own backsides they can probably see daylight!

In any case a 'kid' is a baby goat - a baby donkey is a 'foal'.

ScummyMummy · 29/10/2006 11:23

Hard with the age gap, I think. 18 month olds just don't have the understanding of 2.5 year olds. Could you try more 'positive' telling off? Like 'let's be kind to our friends' sort of thing, distract distract.

I like the word kid. And kidder. And Kidderminster. Though i have never been there.

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:26

Maybe told off is too strong a term - what I should have asked was is 1.5 too early to start saying "don't snatch it's not nice" don't push" etc.
I know the 1.5 yo is just playing and doesn't understand but my son is getting so worked up about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:28

Also starting to dread the visits where I'm going to have to referee over the one toy (and there is always ONE toy that they both want - this toy changes from day to day - the whole thing is just exhausting. Just wondering whether I should be just chilling and let them get on with it?

OP posts:
sorrell · 29/10/2006 11:35

I wouldn't tell off an 18month old, but I might say 'Oh X (other child) I think Y was playing with that - I know, YOU have this one (present child with another toy with a flourish'.
It's a bit difficult as they are at different developmental stages so you can't apply the same rules to both, though tbh the concept of sharing is still very difficult for both. Taking turns is easier to explain and help with. And I wouldn't tell my child off for something another child did.
Actually thinking about this, I think the problem is that you both maybe think that you can meet up and let the kids play together free-range while you have a chat, which of course is not unreasonable and would be lovely, but I suspect is impossible. At this age they will need to be directed and supervised quite a lot. Maybe taking them out together would lessen the tensions - park, zoo etc so they aren't so territorial. And remember, it will largely pass as they get older and their understanding improves.
As for telling you off so rudely for using a perfectly harmless word, what is Mumsnet coming to?

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 11:40

Thanks Sorrell - sound advice - particularly about taking them out instead of providing toys. You're right about the chatting bit too - IMPOSSIBLE!
Any tips on how I can explain to my child that all small child aren't out to get him? He's developed this thing about them although he plays with children his own age and above fine and shares quite happily!

OP posts:
sorrell · 29/10/2006 12:03

I'd just say, 'aah, little X is just a baby and he doesn't understand' and talk about when he was a baby quite a lot (depending on his understanding). Also a couple of successful outings will make a big difference. I do recommend that. You will also probably have more time to talk to your friend. Small children are very territorial so taking them out can be a godsend. Why not go to a playgroup together regularly as well as park trips etc?

LadyDooM · 29/10/2006 12:07

Try bringing/having a toy or game they can play with together.

Original poster
lolalou · 29/10/2006 12:31

thanks Sorrell feeling better already! Mumsnet works! Seeing them Wednesday - wish me luck

OP posts:
fortyplus · 29/10/2006 20:41

Good for you. Also thought maybe show yours photos of when he was that age - which he won't remember of course - and tell him about the things he used to do and how you had to teach him not to snatch etc.

And another thing... I have a friend who used to refer to her child as 'my little pumpkin' - should I have very patronisingly told her not to refer to her kid (oops!) as a large orange vegetable?!

Blossomhowl · 29/10/2006 20:43

welshboris ~ how rude!

fortyplus · 29/10/2006 21:20

...and patronising. In fact the only thing that has made me as cross on mn was someone who posted on the thread about what your kids could do when they grow up that would totally go against everything you believe in.

most people put predictable stuff about hurting people, crime, becoming a tory (!) or even eating meat. In amongst all that was someone who just put...

Wear cheap shoes.

How shallow can you get?!

LIZS · 29/10/2006 21:30

We had similar with ds and his cousin, younger by 8 months but generally more physical. Is it your friend's first , perhaps she doesn't really know how to react and wants you to lead ? 1 1/2 is too young to expect him to "share" or learn from being told off for snatching etc, so I think you have to give in gracefuly atm and focus on your son. Try to distract your son with another toy or remove him from the conflict and praise him for not making a fuss and playign nicely. As they get older (say from 2-ish) you could encourage them to "share" by counting length of "turns" but chances are the one without will already have found something else to play with by the time of their "turn". Or one of you sit and interact with them so that each takes a turn, say, putting a block on a tower. If it does not work, agree neutral territory playdates might prove easier for now.

Original poster
lolalou · 30/10/2006 10:55

thank you Lizs and fortyplus for your advice am going to try it. The thing I like about mumsnet is that people are prepared to admit when things don't go swimmingly in their house with their children and offer their experience. Unfortunately with friends sometimes however close they are they don't want to drop the facade that everything is rosy in their house and with their children. So it is refreshing to read and know that you are not alone.
Thanks also to everyone who supported over the KID issue! Going to play with my little pickle now - and no he's not a vegetable!

OP posts:
fortyplus · 30/10/2006 10:58

Yes - me too. I'd be mortally embarrassed to discuss some of this stuff face to face.

Good luck for Wed

Blu · 30/10/2006 11:12

I completely agree with Sorrell.
And I wonder if there is a way you could braoch it with your friend which isn't about anyone telling anyone else off, but is about how they ARE at different developmental stages. Tell her that your child is just about getting to grips with the idea of taking turns and not snatching, but obviously 18m-olds aren't, and how does she think you can both help them to play happily? Tell her you are anxious about your child being seen to 'maraud' her smaller one, and explain to her how it is hard for him.

However, if the 18m-old is her first child, I can remember the feeling that your little one is so young and delicate and all bigger children are marauding hooligans! Then when your child IS a grwon-up two year-old, you realise that they are still small and little...and so it goes on! So you probably do have to factor in that alowance for her, iyswim!

Good luck!

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