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Original poster

am i wasting my time with so-called friend?

55 replies

hairymclary · 09/10/2006 21:20

I've known this person for quite a while, we met through child-related things.
When we first met we seemed to really hit it off, chatted loads and met up 3-4 times a month with our kids.
Then after a while she stopped calling and didn't reply to texts very often. I thought maybe I had done something to upset her but she said not. Things stayed pretty low-key for a while though, we met up but pretty infrequently.
Anyway, a few months ago she had another baby. I got in touch and bought a present for the baby, and her, and her other child (not that the presents are really the point here) and tried to arrange to meet.
At first I got no replies to texts or phone calls but I just put that down to being busy with the new baby. I had a few replies to texts saying yes, she'd love to see me and ds but every time I suggested a place or time I got no reply.

So, am I wasting my time? I really like(d) this person, but right now I feel like she is taking the piss.

what would you do?

OP posts:
ProfYaffle · 11/10/2006 21:04

Can I join your club as well?? Exactly the same thing happened to me recently. Met someone through child related stuff, got on really well, we met up with the kids nearly every week. I even went to her dd's 1st birthday party which was family only (I was invited!) then she suddenly dropped me. Her dh, a builder, was supposed to be doing some work on our house, she even got him to ring up and tell me he couldn't do the job any more! All very, very weird, for the life of me couldn't figure out why.

It was very hurtful and really dented my confidence for a while but, hey ho, you do get over it.

It's good to know it's not just me.

thirtysomething · 11/10/2006 21:05

hairy am glad (but not glad for you obviously!) to have seemn this thread, as similar thing is happening to me. Have been very good friends for 4 years with mum of dd's friend, we used to chat on phone every day, do loads of things together, could tell her anything - when we met I had more friends in general than her and I know she was jealous, but they weren't such close friends and I know she knew that. Recently she has been obsessed with making new friends, blatantly manipulating truth in front of me to get people to like her, and keeps rubbing my nose in the fact she has all these new friends. To begin with I was pleased as it made her less dependent but I have wished for a while that she could just be friends with them without having to show off about it all the time. Over the last few months she's been too busy to go out as she's aways with these others, which I would have just accepted except that every time I take a back seat and let her get on with it, she phones me, says we must do lunch, we make an arrangement and then she cancels! I know I just have to let it go but I just feel so hurt. I'd like to know what I have done to deserve being dropped like this! Sorry to hijack, I just feel better for writing it down! Yes we should start a club!

MrsFish · 11/10/2006 21:32

Forget them, they are not worth the effort. If they are acting this way they are not worthy of your friendship. This goes for anyone having these problems. It has happened to me a few times in the past where I feel I am doing all the phoning etc I have since given up doing this if I have been ignored or let down on too many occasions. I just wait and see if they get back in touch.

Unfortunately there are selfish people out there.

Put them behind you and use your efforts to find someone who deserves your friendship.

SnowFrightBoooooo · 11/10/2006 22:15

my only prob is i find it very hard to make friends. am actually a very shy person and never know what to say......and when i get dropped i take it to heart.
any advice??
oh scuse typing, feeding 10week old ds on my lap....

pesha · 11/10/2006 23:01

Definately start a club!! Its happening to me right now with my best friend. Our friendships kind of been on and off since we met, when we were both single we got really close as our dds were the same age as each other and we practically lived at each others houses but then we met our men and kind of drifted apart. Recently i thought we'd got much closer again we were talking on phone loads meeting in town once a wk, i was her witness/bridesmaid at her wedding but im now 12 wks pregnant again and really for the first wk or 2 after i found out she was fine but now she just seems to be losing interest. Everytime i ring she's busy, she never rings me. This is what happened last time we drifted apart. But then i dont have enough friends to pick and choose!! I lost my last best friend and i've no idea why she stopped talking to me, at the time i was going through a messy break up and didnt have the energy to pursue it and find out why. We now have children at the same playschool and everytime i look at her she looks away and blanks me.
I've got a few other friends but not close friends i can really talk to and i dont seem to be very good at getting to know people. I talk to other mums at the school and chat happily about naughty children and things but never goes anywhere beyond that. God i sound like im looking for a date or something but hopefully you know what i mean!!

SnowFrightBoooooo · 11/10/2006 23:09

haha! yes i know exactly!!!

Original poster
hairymclary · 12/10/2006 20:37

yes, anyone is welcme to join my club

snowfrightbooooo I am the same in regards of being quite shy when I first meet people, especially in group situations. I am better one to one with people, but when are you ever in situations like that?

OP posts:
SnowFrightBoooooo · 12/10/2006 20:44

oh gosh...never! actually, it was awful on the school run today! All the cool mums were in their pack....but i now think sod em. dont want to be a pretentious stuck up molly like them! So ha.

So can i join your gang hairy?

thirtysomething · 12/10/2006 20:54

don't think things get more cliquey or fear-inducing than the school playground - can't stand the smugness of my so-called best friend in the playground...she always ignores me and stands with her new friends unless she sees I'm talking to some one on my own when she immeditately barges over, interupts and frightens the other Mum away. Sometimes wonder if they should warn parents about playground bullying by other parents! Comes in all shapes and sizes - verbal, emotional, and don't get me started on PTA bullying!

jajas · 12/10/2006 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beauregard · 12/10/2006 21:11

That is exactly what makes me so angry the not knowing why?
I mean if you have shared 15 years of your life with a person you are entitled to be pissed off at their blatant selfishness.

SnowFrightBoooooo · 12/10/2006 21:23

yeah they could at least tell us whats wrong with us???!

Beauregard · 12/10/2006 21:25

Yeah nasty bitches
Bloody well jealous i say

SnowFrightBoooooo · 12/10/2006 21:43

well said pelvic...

glitterchick · 12/10/2006 22:03

Bottom line......some people are just fickle. Some people don't give a toss about the feelings of others. You're better off without this person. Don't give her another thought. People like that drain you of your precious energy. They say that you will have approx. 4 true friends that will stay with you for life. The others just come and go. Close your eyes, imagine this person and imagine you're unplugging yourself from her. It really works.

Beauregard · 12/10/2006 22:05

Come and join the dumped by your best friend club

Beauregard · 12/10/2006 22:05

Will bump for you all.

SnowFrightBoooooo · 13/10/2006 22:22

Well got ignored today so for ds1 b'day i will invite them to my house for his party and proceed to ignore them.... see how they like it then!!!

SOULGIRL · 13/10/2006 22:35

Can I join? I made friends with 2 mums at a club we got on well went to birthday parties etc then NOTHING, to be fair one went back to work so probably has her hands full. The other ones DS started playgroup so left the club and the last time we were together she said "bye then" and I thought "oh that sounds a bit final, I wont be hearing from her again" sure enough I never did! I did try calling but shes in & out of the country.

I think because I have been in this situation before after a long term friendship I just find it easier to let it go.

SnowFrightBoooooo · 13/10/2006 22:57

Maybe i should learn that trick! But have moved to a new area and dont really know anyone so am a bit peed off tbh....

SOULGIRL · 14/10/2006 00:02

I just smile a lot, they probably think im simple, my theory being eventually someone would take pity & be my fweend (it worked!)

Im an "incomer" too

SnowFrightBoooooo · 14/10/2006 09:35

ohhhh i hope they dont come on this site!!!! Very recognisable.....maybe i'll change my name. to 'TheIgnoredWoman.......'

SnowFrightBoooooo · 14/10/2006 09:36

Hi Soulgirl btw!!!! Welcome to the gang.

SOULGHOUL · 14/10/2006 10:35

Thanks...

Earlybird · 14/10/2006 11:13

I think we all have these people in our lives. I've got two.

One is a single mum (I am also) who wants me/dd to come around on the weekends (trickiest time to be a single parent, I find) if she's got nothing else on. We were supposed to have lunch with her tomorrow, and she's just texted to say she wants to cancel (second time this month). TBH, I now always have a back-up plan because she's proven so unreliable. When she first started doing it, I'd feel upset/let down, but now it's so commonplace that I almost expect it. The downside is that I now have no emotional investment in our friendship because she's not a person I can count on. Based on that, she probably shouldn't be called a friend, but has become simply a person we see from time to time.

The second friend is trickier and more painful. There were 3 of us with dds in the same school for the past 3 years. We've all done alot socially in addition to running the same school/birthday party/playdate circuit for our dds. It is becoming painfully clear to two of us that the third friend is moving on. Emails are not responded to, invitations not answered, etc. When either of the two of us see her, she smiles, waves and sometimes makes a comment along the lines of "haven't seen you for awhile" or "I've been so busy" but it's obvious they are throwaway comments to fill space. There's some small comfort in knowing that it's happening to 2 of us (so not an issue of a misunderstanding/falling out), but I find it sad and bewildering.

It's a long-winded way of saying that it happens to all of us. I think there are some friendships that last the duration, and some that ebb/flow, and some that are only for a specific period. But that doesn't make it easier.

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