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Original poster

Janet and John meets The Bible

89 replies

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 08:56

Before I start, and before I get flamed, I am not mocking the Bible, religion or belief. I've read my Bible many times, and found it a wonderful thing. An understanding of the King James bible is central to much of English literature. The history that ties the three major religions together is facinating, and forms the bedrock of much of our systems of justice etc, even if we don't belive in the religious aspect. I think the King James Bible (theonly one I have read) is a wonderful piece of literature as well as a way of looking at the world etc. So serious respect. Oh and before I am accused of intelectual snobbery, most of my Old Testiment study as a child was done on a set of cartoon books, that had lots of battles and 'smitting' excellent for the small child

But last night I read some odf a pre schoolers Bible that my very kind SIL gave to my son (we are fairly godless in this house)

It is Janet and John meets the bible! And is unexpectedly hilarious in parts.

If I may don my asbestos underpants I will quote....

'Jacob must go far, far away from home. He is running away from his brother Esau. Esau is angry because Jacob has taken his birth right. Esau even said that he would kill Jacob. That would make anyone run far away, wouldn't it?

But look! Do you see who Jacob sees? Her name is Rachel. She is beautiful, isn't she? Jacon thinks Rachel is beautiful, too. He wasnts to meet her. But he must find the right way to do it.

Do you see what Rachel is doing? Racheil is taking care of her father's sheep. Jacob is helping her give the sheep water. That is kind for jacob to do, isn't it? Do you think Rachel thinks it is kind too?'

They then edit out Leah and the veil thing!

OP posts:
Marina · 08/10/2006 21:09

a-hem! Very droll indeed but some Christians are quite happy with the Bible Baddies series, or even the Graphic Bible, for their kids.
We have't all got devout candyfloss between our ears y'know
I think you have a career in religious writing for children ahead of you MI

Marina · 08/10/2006 21:10

MB, with the meat scenario I am seeing that pissed-off jaguar in Creature Comforts in my head now

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:11

See, when I was reading your synopsis, it reminded me of a story my mom used to tell about a boy with a screw at his navel. Curiousity got the better of him, he undid it, and his ass fell off.

Not as good, though, it needs God in it, clearly.

Original poster
Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:11

Oh, quite. I well remember the comic strip versions of the battle of Jerico. Great fun, very robust too.

But this is soooooooooooooooo bad, it is funny!

OP posts:
Marina · 08/10/2006 21:12

PMSL at the boy's arse falling off NQC, classy

ledodgywizardrobespierre · 08/10/2006 21:12

PMSL at "his ass fell off"

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:13

To be fair, the story goes on for a long time with him asking and, I don't remember.

I think I have it muddled up with the story of a woman who had a black ribbon around her neck all her life, and her husband wanted her to take it off, and she did, eventually (long long story) and then her head fell off.

Why were my parents always telling me these stories?

Marina · 08/10/2006 21:13

dodgy, I spent about ten minutes earlier this evening deconstructing your current name for ds, who was mesmerised by it

ledodgywizardrobespierre · 08/10/2006 21:14

lmao I was just going to post the ribbon joke but in my version the ribbon is yellow!

Original poster
Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:14

Did they just not like you very much NQC??????

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ledodgywizardrobespierre · 08/10/2006 21:14

lol Marina bet that was fun!

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:17

I don't know ... the underlying message behind those stories is "don't mess with things, bad things will happen". And given that I found out, at 26? 27? that I had a brother I never knew about, maybe my mom had a particular interest in keeping secrets secret?

Original poster
Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:19

But parents can just be wierd

My mother once told my bro that if you swalled an orange pip, it would grow out of the top of your head. What was that all about?

I'm still waiting for MI to top her John the Baptist number

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NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:51

Yeah, my parents said that sort of thing all the time.

If parents are weird, does that mean we might be weird?

marthamoo · 08/10/2006 22:40

It does, NQC - now that's a sobering thought, isn't it ?

I love this thread. Even though the only Bible Story I know is..well, MaryandJosephandBabyJesus.

SNORcacKLE · 08/10/2006 23:06

This thread reminded me strongly of a bible ds was given ages ago - it was from the same series - The Toddlers Bible again by V Gilbert Beers. It's very much in the same vein but a bit simpler and so not quite as hilarious ("Does someone help you love God's word? You're happy when they do. Jesus is happy too!"). Wonder how many more there are in the set? What's the Teenagers bible like I wonder?

Original poster
Blandmum · 09/10/2006 07:31

Snorcakle....we were given that one at the same time.

He does use that phrase a lot. Do you think they thanked God? Do you thank God?

And the semi 'reading book style' , God loved Abraham, Abraham loved God. Do you love God? God loves you. None of which is surprising as a sentiment in a Bible but the style is just so odd! And the constant questions. As if the reader was too daft to draw the kid into discussions.

I couldn't quite believe what they did to the Crucifixion. An event that led to some of the most stunning writing, and art and music in 2000 years was morphed into a Biff Chip and Kipper story. I can't bring myself to type it.

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roisin · 09/10/2006 07:50

Oh go on, type it, you know you want to

TwigTwoolett · 09/10/2006 21:10

OMG I just got to 'do you like nice plates' and now I can't control myself

I have tears rolling down my face and am making that mutley laugh

I think I am about to pee myself

NotQuiteCockney · 09/10/2006 21:13

Elisha was a good man, but he was bald. Is your father bald? Is he a good man?

He was travelling, and some children came and laughed at him for being bald. He was angry, and God sent some bears, who killed the children. Do you ever want to kill people for laughing at you?

Original poster
Blandmum · 09/10/2006 21:26

This is Ruth. she is poor and has to work in the fields. Whould you like to do that? this is Boaz, Ruth uncovers his feet. Do you know what that means? Mummy does, that is why she is sniggering.

OP posts:
sorrell · 09/10/2006 22:31

Abraham was Isaac's daddy? Do you have a daddy? God wanted Abraham to kill Isaac. Does your daddy want to kill you? Look! There is Isaac tied up and on the bonfire, ready to be a burnt offering! Look! Abraham has a big sharp knife! Do you know you have to be careful with big, sharp knives? Would you like to be killed by your daddy with a big sharp knife?

sorrell · 09/10/2006 22:42

Mary is having a baby! Isn't that lovely. Do you like babies? But Mary is married to Joseph. Joseph has not been shagging Mary so he knows he is not the baby's daddy. Joseph thinks Mary is a slut. Isn't that sad?

nannyme · 10/10/2006 01:55

More please this is fantastic!

Taking it up to H for bedtime reading...

redshoes · 10/10/2006 07:09

Even at this time in the morning I am ROFL!