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Janet and John meets The Bible

89 replies

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 08:56

Before I start, and before I get flamed, I am not mocking the Bible, religion or belief. I've read my Bible many times, and found it a wonderful thing. An understanding of the King James bible is central to much of English literature. The history that ties the three major religions together is facinating, and forms the bedrock of much of our systems of justice etc, even if we don't belive in the religious aspect. I think the King James Bible (theonly one I have read) is a wonderful piece of literature as well as a way of looking at the world etc. So serious respect. Oh and before I am accused of intelectual snobbery, most of my Old Testiment study as a child was done on a set of cartoon books, that had lots of battles and 'smitting' excellent for the small child

But last night I read some odf a pre schoolers Bible that my very kind SIL gave to my son (we are fairly godless in this house)

It is Janet and John meets the bible! And is unexpectedly hilarious in parts.

If I may don my asbestos underpants I will quote....

'Jacob must go far, far away from home. He is running away from his brother Esau. Esau is angry because Jacob has taken his birth right. Esau even said that he would kill Jacob. That would make anyone run far away, wouldn't it?

But look! Do you see who Jacob sees? Her name is Rachel. She is beautiful, isn't she? Jacon thinks Rachel is beautiful, too. He wasnts to meet her. But he must find the right way to do it.

Do you see what Rachel is doing? Racheil is taking care of her father's sheep. Jacob is helping her give the sheep water. That is kind for jacob to do, isn't it? Do you think Rachel thinks it is kind too?'

They then edit out Leah and the veil thing!

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Pruhoohooohoooooni · 08/10/2006 17:28

mb you did make up the Samson one, didn't you??
Me to re the plates, have had to explain smirks to dh who has no humour where religion is concerned.
Oh ps mb my mate was telling ds (2.10) the story of the flying spaghetti monster yesterday...

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 17:32

yes, I did!

That one and Jael.

The rest are all for real

What they acrually say about Samson

'Would you like to fight a lion?
How would you like to fight a lion with only your hands?
Samson did.
But samson was the strongest man in the world.
That is the way God made him'

They wimp out on the good, sexy, smiting stuff. Not a foreskin in sight!

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rustycreakingdoorbear · 08/10/2006 17:54

NotQuite cockney are you sure the Lego Bible is better for children?

PrettyCandles · 08/10/2006 18:22

Well you wouldn't expect many foreskins - most of the main protagonists wouldn't have theirs after all!

twinsetandpearls · 08/10/2006 18:23

You do have to be careful with the lego Bible, I use it in my lessons but carefully vet it first

taMummy · 08/10/2006 18:24

This is a truly excellent thread. The "wasn't he strong in the Lord" was a joke, wasn't it???

Agree that the Lego Bible is wildly unsuitable in many, many places!

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 18:30

Of all the bits I have posted, that one, and the Jael, 'Do you like camping' ones were made up. All the others are real

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taMummy · 08/10/2006 18:32

I have a feeling Jeanette Winterson would like this thread.

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 18:35

Ah yes, when the Pastor looks for the King for the Astonishment at Dawn scene for Daniel, and she thinks there is no point because someone was sick of the tableux of the nativity and you only get three kings in a Biblical Fuzzy Felt!

I Love* 'Oranges are not the only Fruit!'

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Blandmum · 08/10/2006 18:38

This is really how they start off the feeding of the 5,000

Honest!

'How would you like to make lunch for 5,000 people? That is a lot of lunch isn't it? But Jesus did that. This is the way it happened....'

and then I want them to say it was all crisps and froot shoots and MN got all sniffy about it

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MarsLady · 08/10/2006 18:44

Oh my sides hurt! I am trying to get back to my study but when a thread that is this good comes along........... please ladies, for the love of all that you hold dear..... don't post anymore until after my exam! I see my fail in your hands.

ROFLMAO

bewilderbeast · 08/10/2006 18:56

Thank you ladies you have made my day. I haven't laughed so much in ages.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 19:38

I was kinda kidding about the lego bible. We have a couple of the books, they don't have semen in them.

I like the details in that pic, though - the pizza, the telly, the facial expression ... not sure about the round semen, though.

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 19:39

Oh, and the Bible was "forbidden" to me when I was growing up (as was attending religious services of any sort). I've read the bible a few times, well, New Testament only once or twice, but the Old Testament a few times. And read some good books on the history of the Bible, too ... I've not become Christian, though.

motherinferior · 08/10/2006 20:56

PLEASE, that feeding of the 5,000? REALLY?

NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:00

Two angels came to visit Lot in Sodom. They had a sleepover at his house. Do you like having sleepovers?

Some nasty men wanted Lot to let them hurt the angels. Lot was resourceful, and told the nasty men they should hurt his daughters, instead. That was clever of him, wasn't it?

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:01

I should die here on the spot if I lie!

wonderful isn't it? In its awfulness!

The 'writers' (and I am using the word in its loosest possible meaning) also like the command

Look! rather a lot

The annnuciation

'Look at that angel? Mary has never seen an angel before. Have you?'

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Sophiev73 · 08/10/2006 21:02

I am absolutely loving this, MB please tell us the name of this Bible. I need to buy it.

'Mary and Martha were sisters. Do you have a sister? Is one of you really good and the other one really a slapper? Look at Mary cleaning the disciple's feet with her hair. What do you think that feels like?'

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:03

Here is a bit about Moses

'Moses and his people have no meat to eat. they live in the desert. There are no grocery stores. There are no butcher shops. there is no place to get meat. 'We want meat' the people grumble'

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ledodgywizardrobespierre · 08/10/2006 21:03

My dd asked me to read a storybook today that was at my inlaws (staunch born again Christians) The book started off ok about a boy who had a screw driver and he started to unscrew everything in his bed room then every thing in his house then everything in his street etc Then they took the boy to New York to see a special DR (wtf?) because he unscrewed everything then it goes on and on with him unscrewing stuff and he ends up trying to unscrew the world's axis then god speaks to him (this shocked me as until then I didn't realise it was a Christian book it just slipped it in at the end) and shouts that he has to go and screw everything he's unscrewed and he does then goes home and goes to bed. The last paragraph is a prayer to invite God into your heart. It was very disturbing.

Sophiev73 · 08/10/2006 21:04

ROFL about the people 'grumbling'.

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 21:05

The preschoolers Bible' By V Gilbert beers
Publised Education Publishing concepts inc, Weaten Illinois. ISBN 1-56476-317-X

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NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 21:07

Do Christians have an inability to hear double entendres? I don't think I could read a book where God tells some poor boy to go screw everything, at least not with a straight face ...

ledodgywizardrobespierre · 08/10/2006 21:07

I know! All through it I was thinking just take the effin screw driver off him FFS!

Sophiev73 · 08/10/2006 21:09

Fab, thank you. I have my born-again brother staying at Christmas and I need some ammunition for when he accuses me of not knowing my Bible again...

'Joseph had a lovely coat. Do you have a favourite coat? Does yours get shared between your twelve brothers and sisters?'