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Original poster

Why am I always expected to drop everything to look after the grandchildren?

33 replies

Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:05

Title says it all really, I am getting so p-ed off with dd asking me to have the grandchildren for the weekend at the last min (I also had them last weekend BTW).

She has just asked me to have them this weekend as she has booked a weekend away (didn't think to ask me before she booked). I already have plans; I told her I would talk to dp about changing them. TBH I don't want to change my plans but I know it will cause an argument and she will make life difficult for weeks.

I don't know why she expects me to do it all of the time, I help out as much as I can but surely I am entitled to have a life too! We have argued so many times about this. She tries emotional blackmail anything to get her own way, the last time it was "Well, that?s it, you no longer have grandchildren, you will never see them again".

It took a couple of months to sort it out and I told her then that I was entitled to a life too and that I needed plenty of notice etc. She seemed to understand but I could tell she was getting angry when I told her I had plans and I just know it will all kick off again when I say no.

I'm not sure how to handle it, any suggestions?

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 28/09/2006 15:10

I say stand your ground. My mum helps out with DD a lot, but it is always on her terms. I ask hoping for a yes, but perfectly assuming that it could be no.

Common courtesy goes that you don't book anything without arranging care for your children, which is just it... they are her children. Mum says that the best thing about being a gran... getting unconditional love, and being able to have em on your terms .

With the emotional blackmail... I get the feeling that she needs you more than she needs to sulk .

sleepycat · 28/09/2006 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flamesparrow · 28/09/2006 15:12

Oh - on no account cancel your plans... that'd be like giving a 3 yr old sweets because she stamps her feet lots.

alligator · 28/09/2006 15:12

oh Squirrel How did I know this would be you? Its such a difficult one and I really dont know what to advise. My first reaction would be to say Stand firmand say sorry but no. But I know how hard that is to do when you are being threatened with not seeing your grandkids.

here I think you need one of these.

How did the job interview go btw?

frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 15:13

Could you suggest that you will have them every second weekend or the first weekend every month. That way you'd both know what was coming.

SherlockLGJ · 28/09/2006 15:13

What a spoilt brat....

BROWNY · 28/09/2006 15:13

Squirrel3, your daughter is being so selfish. I lost my mum 16 years ago and my dad is unable to look after my children at all. I would be grateful for a night out, never mind a whole weekend! I can't believe that your daughter has booked to go away this weekend and just assumed that you'd babysit .

I'm sure she knows that you love your grandchildren and her for that matter, but why can't she see that her children are not YOUR responsbility for when she fancies another weekend away! What about your sin-in-law's family, don't they help out with babysitting? My children have only ever had one night away from me (my cousin very kindly offered to have them overnight when I was pregnant with my fourth). Maybe you should re-direct your dd to this site, she'll soon realise how lucky she is to have you.

I think it's very cruel of her to blackmail you with the threat of not seeing your grandchildren, she is behaving like a spoilt brat, that must upset you terribly.

Bozza · 28/09/2006 15:17

squirrel I really think you are being too soft with your DD.

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:23

I totally agree with the spoilt brat comments, she is my daughter and I love her but at the same time I could quite cheerfully strangle her.

I'm not going to change my plans, but I know she is not going to like it.

The last time we had the row about it I did make it clear that she needed to give me plently of notice but she seems to have 'forgotten' that.

I feel like I should be telling her off like a spoilt child, but she is an adult and she will threaten me with not seeing my grandchildren. It really hurt the last time I couldn't see them for so long.

BTW Thanks for the Guiness alligator

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 15:26

Good luck with it, its such a difficult situation but she needs to understand you do have a life too. Could you soften the blow by suggesting that you will have them for the first weekend of every month perhaps, so you both know when your time is? Best of luck.

CountessDracula · 28/09/2006 15:28

I agree squirrel, you are doing her a favour it is not her right to dump the kids on you whenever she wants.

It is hard if she is emotionally blackmailing you but you must stand your ground or it will get worse

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:34

Arranging strict set times would be a good idea if it weren't for the fact that we have dp's children to stay quite often so us having the grandchildren has to fit around that.

I know dd will throw that in my face when I tell her I can't have the grandchildren, she is of the opinion that I should have the grandchildren as often as I have the step-children.

This weekend would be the first weekend dp and I have had alone for ages, we were looking forward to it but now I know what ever we do its going to be ruined because of dd's attitude.

I can't seem to make her understand that they are her children, her responsibility - I love having them when I can but its not nice to be blackmailed into giving up pre-booked plans to have them.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 28/09/2006 15:36

Would printing off this thread help or make it worse?

Blandmum · 28/09/2006 15:37

Sqirrel3, how old is she? Doesn't she realise tat the kids areher reposnsibility and that any help you give her is a bonus not a right

I think that is is crap that she is blackmailing you.

When it isn't an issue, tell her that you love to have them, but you also have plans etc and that you need notice.

I doubt that she would follow through on her threats, but you know your own child best.

Jaynerae · 28/09/2006 15:40

My Mum is fantastic, has my DD whilst I am at work two days a week - and will have DD and DS at weekend if needs be - but I only ask for a couple of hours - wouldn't dream of asking her to have them all weekend. I buy her a diary every year and we agreed the best way to do it was I write in her diary the days I need her to have the children. If other things come up -I ask giving as much notice as possible and always say if you can't it doesn't matter. I never book anything without asking her first. She has one day a week she can not have them as she goes out and I respect that no matter what. This works great for us - Why don't you suggest similar to your DD. Keeps every one happy

I agree with others though - she is taking you for granted and emotionally blackmailing you with the children. Not a nice thing to do.

Bozza · 28/09/2006 15:42

Squirrel you have a had a thread like this before. Your grandchildren are not that same as DPs children and your DD needs to understand this. DPs children are his (and his ex-ps) responsibility. Your grandchildren are your DD and her partner's responsibility, ie not yours however much you love them. TBH I wish my Mum was a quarter as helpful as you are.

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:43

It would def make things worse, I would be accused of slagging her off to the whole world! lol

I think that I could maybe print of parts of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:47

Yes I know I've had a thread like this before Bozza, its the same old argument, its driving me mad. Here is the letter I wrote to her last time.

Dear dd,

When you were a child I spent my whole life focusing on you and ds, caring for and bringing you both up single-handed, with no help from anyone. Things were not always rosy, as you know, but I did the best I could. I?m glad I did it and I feel proud because I don?t think I did that bad a job as you have grown into a caring, loving mother yourself. I of all people understand the responsibilities and restrictions that this brings. I understand that it can be frustrating and upsetting at times.

It was a shame that I couldn?t have the children at the weekend as dp and I had already made arrangements. We very rarely get time on our own, so when we know that there is an opportunity we make arrangements well in advance.

As for dsd and dss they come to see their father not me. They only get to see their Dad every other weekend and one evening during the week. When you were a child I was fortunate to be able to be there for you everyday, how could I deny the short time that they spend with their Dad when I know that they would love to see him everyday.

Yes, since I met dp our lives have changed, your life has changed as well as mine. You have grown up, got your own home, had children and moved on in your life. Dp moved in with me and has become part of our lives too.

Yes, now you are grown up we don?t see each other everyday but I do try to phone you and make sure you are ok almost everyday, I do try to help out when I can and be part of your lives.

You and I have both moved on in our lives but that doesn?t mean that I care any less about you now than I did when you were a child, it?s just that the level of responsibility is different now because you are an adult. Having said that I am your Mum, I will always be your Mum and I will be pleased to baby-sit dgs and dgd when I can, I love them both to bits.

However, when you ask me two days before you want me to baby-sit I should not be expected to cancel arrangements that I have made two weeks previously. Dp and I were looking forward to this weekend.

I suppose part of the problem (when it comes to babysitting) is that as we have to plan at least two weeks in advance we need more notice from you.

You know that you, dgs and dgd occupy a huge part of my heart and my life and that will never change, no matter what happens.

Love from

Mum

Maybe I should send it to her again...

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 15:48

BTW I wrote to her because she wouldn't answer the door or phone to me.

OP posts:
fairyjay · 28/09/2006 16:01

She needs to grow up!

Brilliant letter by the way

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 28/09/2006 16:05

I rely on my Mum to babysit as eldest has Sn and Dh's familya re all insane. However, I would NEVER exopect her to drop everything for me- I would be mortified if she did, and I tell her that regularly. She ahs said no in the past as well, which I respect. I do ask a lot of her- every Saturday for the next few weeks (though it's becasue I am doing something with eldest two rather than going to the opub or anything) and we take a weekend every year- if she said no though, we'd just have to do without.

My sister however is of the expect variety: she'll frequently drop her ds round on a Friday and then ring up and ask Mum to take him all night. I do understand that she has PND, rarely sees her Dh (works abroad a lot) etc but Mum has him 5 long days a week whilst she works too, some of which days she has my other nephew.

when Mum babysat for me regularly to work, I insisted on buying her a holiday each year (because it is illegal to pay) so she got a break.

I feel guilty asking what I do; I think your daughter is really immature and that you do need to stand your ground. What if (Heaven forbid) you got ill or died, she'd have to cope wouldn't she? Well you got a life, that's reality and she needs to deal with that too.

Why do you see her or call her everyday? Does sound like you're a bit too in each others pockets, tbh

NotActuallyAMum · 28/09/2006 16:16

I knew this would be you Squirrel when I saw the title, I just knew it

Please don't cancel your plans. If she throws another strop then let her. She'll soon come round, just like she did last time

Enjoy your weekend with your DP, you deserve it

Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 16:22

PeachyClair, dd has suffered from PND, she seems to be alot better lately though.

I'm sure she doesn't need me as much now, she just expects me to jump when she clicks her fingers because (of course) I did everything I could to help when she was very depressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirrel3 · 28/09/2006 16:24

Oh no Naam! My life is so transparent!!

I know, she drives me mad!!!!!

She is 25, you'd think she would grow up a bit.

OP posts:
Bozza · 28/09/2006 16:31

And that was a great letter - loving, well worded and logical. It is a pity that your daughter didn't get the point.