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awful incident with neighbour, still not really coping with it.

34 replies

stillnobetter · 18/09/2006 12:19

I just wanted to get opinions on here as an't get my head roud what happened, have changed my name for a bit..

We live on a family estate in Wiltshire, lots of young chldren out and about playing on our driveway (whch we share with 3 other families)and also across the road on other families driveays.

Everyone seems more or less happy about the situaton and even though it is often quite a lot of hard work for me and my neighbour (always giving out drinks, sympathy, plasters, making our loo and phone available, picking up litter, sorting out arguments and returning abandoned bikes, footballs and coats home to various houses each evening)but I really wouldn't have it any other ay as I want my children to be out there socialising and playing with other kids - it's a priority for us.

Anyway, across the road from us is another family, they have a little boy who is the same age as my ds (7 years old. They often keep themselves to themselves, and until all the problems started I only really knew them well enough to say hello too, but nothing more.

Their son comes and plays on our driveway quite a bit and my son sometimes went to play on theirs.

the problem started during the summer holidays, a great big grop of children were playing Knock Down Ginger, it seemed ok though as they were all only knocking on their own doors (hopefully not being too muh of a disturbance) Myself and DH were dealing with it in a good natured sort of way (even though we were busy)and my neighbours were laughing about it too, as there children were doing it to them

This little boy that lives across the road decided that he wanted to knock on his door and run away and my ds bravely said that he would accompany him!

So they did, only this little boy then panicked (his mum in particular seems to have a reputation for having an awful temper)and when they came to the door he blamed my ds for it.

By this point, my ds was back across the road.

The first thing that I became aware of was when my dd came running into the house. I will never ever forget what happened, she was as white as a sheet and could barely speak and said ' Mummy, Ewan's been taken'

I obviously assumed the worst (man in a white van type scenario - my absolute my horrific fear)and went running out the house calling out to my husband.

When I got outside onto the driveway, i was frantically looking around for him and became aware of lots of shouting across the road. I ran across and there was my ds (thank god though!) standing at the end of their path (of his friends house) and his mother was absolutely going hell for leather at him (verbally), he was crying and shaking and I absolutely hit the roof.

I have never been so frightened and angry in my life and we all just stood there and screamed at one another (me, my dh and his parents - both boys were stood there crying)

Things got quite unpleasant and she said my son was a bad influence on hers (she never, ever comes out or makes any effort to play with the children around here, dosen't know half the time what her own son is getting up to)

Anyway, I retaliated by saying 'fine then' and told her ds to stay on his side of the road and that my children would stay on our side of the road.

When we got back to the house however, a few more things came to light which explained why my son was standing there being screamed at at the end of her ath and why my dd came in in such a panick.

Apparently, this boys dad came out of the house when he heard what had happened and came across the road onto our driveway where my son was standing. He asked him to come back across the rod with him (and was obviously angry according to people who witnessed it), my son, quite rightly said 'no' but this man got very angry with him and insisted, so even though he was frightened, he went because I guess he felt scared and intimidated.

What happened after that is sketchy, but according to my son, he was taken into their house (only just inside the doorway)and was given a good telling off, by the time we got there though, he was standing at he end of the path and this time it was the mother that was screaming at him (this was he bit we witnessed). They however deny that they took my son into their house!

I was even more angry and upset at this point, my son had wet himself and was shaking and I decided that I wanted to report it to the police. I don't know why I wanted to do that but this is not the first time she has errupted (apparentley) and I had a feeling that it wouldn't be the last. I also couldn't believe that they had taken my son and dealt with him themselves for a very minor misdemeanor which in the end he hadn't even done!

Anyway, we reported it but asked the police not to go round there, we just wanted the incident logged so that we could refer to it if something happened again (although not to our children as they are not allowed over there anymore).

This women is now making her rounds around the neighbourhood, telling all and sundry a very one-sided view of things and maing out that we are deliberatley isolating her son (a very lonely, nervous, only-child, she is also hysterical that her job is now at risk becuase we reproted her to the police (she works in a school).

I just wonder whether I have over reacted with any of this. I feel very sorry for her child as this is not his fault, but Its not worth the risk letting my children play with him if they are going to face these types of consequences every time.

My son is fairly relucatnt to talk about what happened now although he did talk a lot at the begiining. I felt very guilty about the fact that he saw us all shouting and I asked him what had upset him the most (thinking it would have been her screaming at him or possibly the four of us shouting at each other) but he said that the most frightening thing was when the man came to take him away because he 'didn't know what was going to happen to him' I am so sad and angry at that, we have spoken to all of the children about stranger danger (though this man wasn'r exactly a stranger) but he was definately intimidated into doing something that made him feel scraedc and uncomfortable by an adult and I just can't get over it.

This happened 8 weeks ago and my ds has been weting the bed since then and having nightmares quite a lot. I can't stop crying and shaking and just don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so bloody long, just letting off a bit of steam,

OP posts:
alittlebitshy · 18/09/2006 12:23

no advice bu i wanted to ay how awful for your poor ds. HOw scary.
Can't believe the cheek of those parents. grr.

maggiesmama · 18/09/2006 12:24

oh gosh. i dont have any experinces to relate to it. but i feel so so sorry for your son, and you and you all really. he was obviously absolutely terrified. maybe it might be worth taking some preofessional advice - sorry of that seems hysterical - for how to deal with it. if he is still wetting the bed 8 weeks later, he has obviously been profoundly affected by it. poor little thing.

guessing other people here will have ideas for dealing with the mother bad mouthing you all...

maggiesmama · 18/09/2006 12:24

oh gosh. i dont have any experinces to relate to it. but i feel so so sorry for your son, and you and you all really. he was obviously absolutely terrified. maybe it might be worth taking some preofessional advice - sorry of that seems hysterical - for how to deal with it. if he is still wetting the bed 8 weeks later, he has obviously been profoundly affected by it. poor little thing.

guessing other people here will have ideas for dealing with the mother bad mouthing you all...

madmarchhare · 18/09/2006 12:31

You have every right to be angry and upset about it and I think you are right to not allow your son over there .

It must be difficult if the mother is going round having a good old gossip about it all but if she truly is as you say she is it will all come out eventually and people will realise that you are a good person.

As for your upset, Im sure, in time it will lessen. Just stay clear of them in the meantime.

poppiesinaline · 18/09/2006 13:20

how truely awful for you and your family. Poor your DS. I think you did right reporting it and getting it logged. I cant believe how those parents behaved.

Can you get your DS talking about the incident again? Maybe this would help him to process it all and help him recover a little. Your poor little boy.

Twinkie1 · 18/09/2006 13:26

God - I would now go and tell her that if she continues this rideculous hate campaign against you I would report her for lible or slander or whatever it is called and tell her that then her job will really be up shit creak as I would also go and inform her employer what sort or person she is - married to a lunatic that takes children into their home against their will.

How dare she behave like this and then turn it round on to you I competely understand why you are cross and hope that the other people that live around you realise that she is the one causing the trouble and not you.

macwoozy · 18/09/2006 13:39

I'd be furious if another parent started shouting and screaming at my ds, and for him to have wet himself with fear I'd have been up that police station as well.

Also can't help feeling so sorry for her little lad, what must homelife be like for him when she reacts so badly with a typical childish game of knock down ginger. Sadly I don't think you have any option but to keep your children away, hopefully with time all the children can play again together. In the meantime I'd keep well away from that family, they sound awful.

Raggydoll · 18/09/2006 13:44

This is a horrible thing to go through and I'm sure its worse because it was over something quite small iyswim. Your boy must have been terrified. I'd be bloody furious with the other parents for causing so much damage over a silly game. I really don't know what to suggest to help you're ds overcome this experience... hopefully someone with some experience will be along soon. x

Earlybird · 18/09/2006 13:46

How upsetting. She may simply be a cow. But so much of what has happened has been verging on the hysterical, with everyone reacting at maximum volume. Is there any chance that this is all simply a dreadful misunderstanding that has somehow escalated to this terrible situation? Is there anything to be gained by going (and in a non-confrontational way) talking about exactly what happpened? You still don't have the full story from your ds/dd, and certainly don't know the other family's side of the story.

They may be irrational lunatics (and she's certainly not helping the situation by bad-mouthing you), but is it possible that a simple conversation might defuse the situation so that there's peace (or at least a truce) in the neighbourhood?

donnie · 18/09/2006 13:46

personally I would say very clearly to this vile woman " if you or your husband ever try to take my son against his will again I will get the police down here so fast etc etc." Be calm but candid - tell her it is a criminal offence and bearing in mind she works in a school it would be catastrophic for her employment. Allow no interruptions. or you could put it all in a formal letter and inform her you are lodging copies of the letter with your solicitor and the police.

your poor ds.

Raggydoll · 18/09/2006 13:47

sorry i didn't mean to imply other posts weren't helpful - i was the first person to reply when i wrote my post however due to huge gap between writing and posting lots of mn'ers have been along to help

DominiConnor · 18/09/2006 13:50

You were absolutely 100% right reporting it to the police.
Personally I think the police are in the wrong, by not prosecuting the guy. I'm no lawyer, but I see abduction and assault there.

As a parent, I'd rather hope that the wife was removed from any responsibility for looking after other people's children.

I'd speak to the wife, and tell her this stops now.
In your hand you will have the letter to the school, and in that letter you will have the incident number given to you by the police. If you don't have it still, ring them up.

Most schools are really sensitive to this stuff, a crime report, even without a prosecution is bad news.

The odds are of course that this was a one off, though their obviously scared child reduce those odds quite a lot.
Although you are clearly distressed by the wife's bewhaviour, from my nice safe distance I pick up a very different picture.
I ask myself why she's going to those lengths ?
It raises in my mind the notion that she's got something to hide.
We've all got things to hide of course, but if she's hiding stuff to do with aggression on kids that's quite worrying.

mummydoc · 18/09/2006 13:54

I agree with donnie - why don't you write a olite but firm letter, expressing how sorry you feel that hte incident got ou tof hand , and say somehting along hte lines of how scared you were when your daughter said your son had been taken, something concillatory like " as another mother i am sure you must see how terrifying that was - it is after all every parents worse fear etc etc" and i would also add that your little boy is so scared no whe is having to have councelling ( perhaps see your gp for that one) and could you suggest the 2 boys meet up for a playdate somewhere neutral like the park. then i feel you have done oyur best to be concillatory , if they don't go for it then they lose out.

Blu · 18/09/2006 13:55

I think you have two separate problems - your poor ds's continuing anxiety and bed-wetting
and
RElationship with neighbour.

But I think that the second might be allevaited a little if you could possibly have a sensible conversation with the neighbou.

i do think it was terrible and completely unnacceptable to take your DS back across the road and into his house. But as a starting point, it might help to see some of it from your neighbours pov.
So here it comes, in a devil's advocate kind of way:
I would be pretty fed-up, actually, if kids were playing knock-down-ginger, and if another parent was encouraging 9by participation) my child to do it. And as you say, you did (through shock and upset) particpate in a general aggressive yelling match with your whole family joining in.

Could you start the conversation with the neighbours by starting to talk about the beginning of the incident - saying you are sorry that you let the kids carry on playing Knock-down-ginger, and then explain that your yelling was in reaction to the fact that they had brought your son over the road and you had been told that 'ds has been taken'. Tell them that you are sure they can understand that that must have al been very scary for ds and for you.....

Does you DS think he has done something 'wrong' by going back over the road with the neighbour? that's what i would hav thought when I was a kid, i would have thought it was my fault because I went wih him. Have you reassured him of that?

Good luck....

NotQuiteCockney · 18/09/2006 13:56

Hmmm, I'm a big fan of making nice, when possible, but I can't see how anyone who did this to a kid could be a reasonable person, iyswim.

I would just avoid them. Report any more problems to the police, avoid discussing them with neighbours (because it will get back to them) and just leave them be.

Blu · 18/09/2006 13:56

I mean the first might be alleviated if you solve the second.

aitch71 · 18/09/2006 13:56

i'm quite sure that your neighbours will know what really happened by now so any stories she's telling will only make her appear more crazed.

i'd be worried about your poor wee boy, though, what a terrible thing to happen to him. my brother stepped out in front of a guy's car once (aged about 11, in his school uniform on his way to school) and the bloke was so angry he grabbed him, drove away at speed and dumped him out of the car a few roads away.

the school reported it to the police but they never had a clue who it was. but the police took it very seriously and i think that really helped my wee brother to feel that it was a one-off and that he would be very 'important' to the investigation (what investigation? it was road-rage) if they managed to catch the bad guy.

i was wondering if you could ask the community police officer to come round and chat to your wee boy, just confirming that they were keeping an eye on things for him and that the best thing to do would be to keep out of their way for the moment. and that mummy and daddy were keeping an eye on them too for him.

he might need to be congratulated on standing up to the man as well, and to understand that he was very brave under the circumstances and that the man shouldn't have taken him into the house etc etc. sometimes i think hearing things from a cop makes kids feel safer, at least i know it helped my brother because he told me.

how awful for you, and their poor wee boy... i don't know how you've managed to keep your temper, really i don't.

moondog · 18/09/2006 13:57

I think you are overreacting.
He was probably driving them nuts,so what is the problem with a telling off?

NotQuiteCockney · 18/09/2006 13:59

Sure, but telling a child off, and shouting at them until they wet themselves (and beyond!) isn't quite the same thing, surely?

And all the DS did was knock on a door! It's not like he broke something or hurt someone!

stillnobetter · 18/09/2006 14:00

Thankyou for all your esponses, can't belive that you have all ead my long post.

earlybird, I did speak to this womans next door neighbour a few weeks ago as i know her quite well and wanted to ask after her and her son (particularly her son), she said that she was very very tearful and upset about what happened and denied that my son had been taken into their house (still not sure what to make of this). I did consider going round there at one point and putting a note through her door as I thought that if we got together and had a coffee we could chat things over. To this day, I don't think she realises that I initially thought that my son had been abducted and that may have explained part of my reaction.

I have no intention or desire to make friends with her (didn't know her that well to begin with) but would like to think that the children could start playing together again, mainly for her son's benefit tbh.

So anyway that was the plan, then the school term started and on the way to and from school and at the school gates, I noticed she was chatting to lots of different mums and neighbours. Now all or most of these people are avoiding me or giving me dirty looks on almost a daily basis and it makes me feel so mad, I just want to scream. I still get upset when I think of what happened but this is making it worse. According to someone else, she is rather deftly skirting round the issue of what actually happened and telling everyone that I am preventing her child from having any friends.

Yes, I did errupt at the time and tell him to stay away from us (and I do feel awful about that) but I also warned my own children in the strictet terms that although they weren't to play with him or go over there, they are not to make things worse by being unkind about him. Unfortunately though, a lot of the other children around here haven't been so considerate and have been calling out to him across the street. Both myself and dh have had a quiet word with neighbours asking them if they could talk to their own children as we have done and ask them not to do it.

Everytime I go out onto the driveway though, there he is, cycling round and round on his driveway completely alone. Obviously very lonely and tbh my heart is beaking for him as much as for my own ds.

I did want to make a 'peace' of sorts purely for his sake but now that I am having to put p with dirty looks on a daily basis because of er, Im finding it hard to do it!

OP posts:
chipkid · 18/09/2006 14:07

I am with blu on this. From the pov of little children-to see adults being angry with each other and shouting at each other is terrifying. Coupled with this, the other little boy is now ostracised (although I completely understand your reaction.)

If the little ones can see the adults reach some sort of truce this will probably go a long way towards putting this matter to bed for them.

You have to live with these people accross the road. However bad the incident was I would try and do my best to come to some sort of peace.

stillnobetter · 18/09/2006 14:07

moondog, she wasn't simply 'telling him off' she had her face an inch away from his and was screaming at him and he was 'taken' iyswim by his dad away from our driveway gainst his will and without our knowledge in order for them to do so, plus there is the possibility that he was taken into their house (possibily).

My son did not want to go over there, he said 'no' but was intimidated to such an extent that he went against his better judgement. Whilst he was going with them, Im sure that lots of things were going through his mind, such as the conversations that we have had with all our children about stranger danger.

Young children are 'persuaded' to get into strangers cars on a regular basis, without any need for physical force, they do it becuase the 'stranger' was persuasive and knew that the child was vulnerableenough to do it.

What is the difference?

Just for the record, my son didn't do what they accused him of doing, but what if he had, they were stil very very wrong. You may find that acceptable for your child, but I certainly don't for mine.

OP posts:
batters · 18/09/2006 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stillnobetter · 18/09/2006 14:29

Thankyou, and thankyou blu!

The kids playing knock down ginger was a bit annoying for us too (I have four children and work from home all hours running my own business and really have better things to do)but they were only doing it to us and then other kids were doing it to their own front doors for what was a very short period of time.

This is a friendly neighbourhood and everyone seems to chip in with the children. I would personally prefer my children to be out, climbing trees, making dens and socialising then couped up indoors on the xbox. I played knock-down-ginger as a child and loved it but I do agree there are limits and times and places for these things.

This woman has errupted at local cildren before and even manhandled a friends child for playing in a council-owned hedgerow opposite her house?

OP posts:
stillnobetter · 18/09/2006 16:14

Just got back from school, Im probably being paranoid but i feel sad that people who used to say hello to me, no longer will.

OP posts: