HELP- Can't get ds to school,am at the end of my tether

[tiptoes]

Long story,have a thread in SN at the moment re school issues.DS has selective mutism and does not talk in school.Although had started to talk within his old peer group.

DS started back to school last Tuesday after a year in reception and has stayed back in reception//year 1 with a new intake of reception children.Have had tears and the teachers had to pull him off me last week and it not making his anxiety issues any easier.i could'nt get him to school last Thursday and now today I am trying to get him dressed and he is undressing himself just as fast.I have a dd who is 3 and should be in oreschool this morning but can't take her because ds won't get ready.

At the end of my tether now and don't know what to do.I dread having to go through this everyday and rang DH and he just said get him there even if you have to drag him.But it's not as simple as that.I am trying to sit down with him and explain he has to go to school but he just seems so anxious about it and keeps running offf upstairs

What a nightmare for you tiptoes

I don't know what to suggest ... if he is very very anxious then perhaps he isn't ready for school yet? Are the school able to offer any special support for him?

My heart goes out to you,would your dh not take him to school for a couple of mornings, sounds like you need abit of support.

tiptoes- a horrible scenario. You need to ring the head and chat things through with her or the SENCO straight away. Together you will be able to hatch a plan.
However any plan will only work if you are consistent and gently firm. I haven't read your other thread,
Tell him he is going to school whether he wants to or not.
Make sure you and dd are ready and get him dressed and go.
Keep calm, keep talking gently to him and try and distract him by focusing on other topics.
It will be horrible and you wll feel terrible but you are the parent and he needs school for lots of different reasons.
good luck.

Molesworth -He settled in really well lsy year and built up a good relationship with his peers.He started to talk to tose peers and then the school decided to leave him in the reception setting doing some year 1 work but with a whole new intake of children.
This is the worse thing they could have done as SM is anxiety based and his friends who he had started to talk to have all moved up to year 1.

His speech therapist and doctor advised againest this and said it could set him back which it is obviously doing,as he had no problems getting to school before and loved it.

I am seing the head and his teacher tomorrow to find out if special support can be given and waht we can do to imporove this situation.I am not happy and more importantly neither is ds.

sorry no suggestions for your ds as i have no experience just sympathy as it must be very difficult when he;'s so upset/adamant hes not going..but for you dd, could you ask a friend or get a childminder to do drop offs for your dd on a morning for you?

can he not get back into the class with the children he knows??..if no, then they are singling him out as its in his best interests to help him feel comfortable with people

tell him you need him to get dressed so that you can get dd to pre-school.

Tell him he does not have to go to school today - but you do all need to work out a way for him to be able to go. Tell him you and he will go and see the head teacher and see if you can come up with a plan that makes it ok for him to go.

Let him be involved in all the decisions and give him a sense that he has some control over the situation.

Explain that all children go to school - if he doesn't then you get in trouble. Tell him that you and the school will do your best to make it a fun experience for him.

And try and get him to explain how it makes him feel, and what makes him unhappy about it.

Is there any chance of home-edding for a while and picking up again at school when he feels ready? My friend HE'd her son until he was the age for Year 4 and then he felt he was missing out and asked to go to school with his friends. I know this wouldn;t work for everyone, me included

Can't the headmaster reconsider the decision to keep DS back in a class of strangers? Especially as his doctor and speech therapist thought it was a bad idea.

Thanks for the replys.

My DH has booked time off tomorrow to come to the school for a meeting so hopefully we can come to some agreement as to what to do next.

I have tried to stay calm this tomorrow and try and distract him with other things .he is very srrong willed and i got his uniform on ready to go and he promptly ran upstairs and took it off again.i have tried to bribe him but nothing seems to work.
i don't want to unduly stress him as it will make the situation worse.

My dh and MIL have both been stressing you need to get him there which i know but is not that easy.i have no family aorund to help out and it's always been just me and the children ds 5 and dd 3 since they were born.I have never had anyy time away from them.
My dd is starting preschool so will have all the stress of leaving her at some point too.

Am still coming to grips with ds's diagnoises of selective mutism and learning about the condition so are aware i need to handle this situation carefully.My MIL keeps telling me she had problems with this as well but as i keep trying to explain to her that ds has SM and there are other issues to consider rather than just forcing him to go.

tiptoes, we had a horribly stressful time with DS2 in Yr1, and we had to drag him into school every day. The Headteacher was not particularly helpful, and the LEA said we would have to wait 6 weeks for a meeting to discuss everything. So we said DS2 would stay at home until then, as clearly the current situation was damaging for him. They arranged a meeting within 48 hours! Ours was a disastrous situation from start to finish - new headteacher, SENCO on maternity leave and new headteacher standing in for her, YR1 teacher was in her probationary year and this was her first teaching job, teaching assistant that was less than professional and would drag the children by the arm if they didn't do exactly what she said immediately etc, etc. We found we had to be really firm with the school and LEA about how serious this situation was for our son. It was a very diffucult time for us all. I'm sending best wishes to your family that this situation can be sorted out soon. You obviously know what is best for your child - have you considered involving the LEA. Ours had a family liaison officer who was extremely helpful and supportive.

sorry I was lookinh for a link which says sm children are usually high intelliegence adn it is there aniexty which stops them performing - thought it would help you but I can't find it It is on the nest somewhere as I searched last year for info on dd.
Perhaps take some literature explianing sm to teh school adn emphatsis (sp) it is niexty not ability driven therfore he needs to be wioth children he knows and trusts if only so they can help him dd has alovely group of friends who accept her adn sometimes speak out for her if she is unsure (ie she tells her friend and friend tells teacher)

The school say they can not fit him into year 1 as they are up to the maximum of 30.

I have tried to find out why he does'nt want to go and I suspect it's the whole new children ,new teacher.his little lips were quivering and he looked really nervous.
selective mutism is an anxiety based disorder and the school are just adding to this and could have been avoided.

I don't have anyone nearby who could talk dd to preschool so will have to get this sorted soon as she will be missing out.

as for home ed i am not sure how that would work also having dd at home.

contact the lea sounds as if the school are using this as a reason to keep him behind

you really need to talk to the head asap and make sure they realise his anxiety problems. Maybe they can mix the sessions or small groups between the classes so that he has a chance to be with the ones he is comfortable with. Is he the younger end of this year ?

HC-how did you get him dressed and out the door.i am turning my back and he is running away getting undressed again.then dd announces she does'nt want to go to school.
Hope your ds is settling in now.

I have contacted the LEA but they are having a reshuffle at the moment and so am waiting for whoever is responsible for SN to get back to me.

It is very stressful as you know and as the SALT has pointed out could be very damaging to ds and cause him to regress.

Gothicmama-Am glad your dd is with a group of friends who look out for her.That is exactly the relationship ds had with his previous peers and they would answer for him sometimes and he was a very popular little boy and they excepted him with his SM and ds was making such huge progress.

Th school have had literature given to them but ethier have'nt read it or choosing not to understand it.

As you say it has nothing to do with ability but the anxiety stopping them expressing themselves.
DS's ability and understanding have never been in question.

What age is your dd?

DS was just in the middle of august so he did'nt really have to start school until this year.
But the head and SENCO pushed us to start him last year and now he is doing reception all over it's like him starting again after building up good relationships in his class.

In effect he maybe should have started this year after all.

There was talk of mixing the classes so maybe they will have sorted something out in the meantime.I just know as the SALT pointed out it needs to be done quickly so as ds does not regress any further.

We ended up arranging for DS2 to start going into school for his 'favourite bits' to build up his confidence. He would be there for 2 - 3 hours a day, and extended this when he grew more confident. We used every tactic we could think of to get him in to school though. I even ended up wrapping up lots of little presents, and he could open one when he got home - but I did feel strange about this, as I felt his near refusal to go into school was a natural reaction to a very real fear, and I felt like I was bribing him to put up with being in an environment that was very negative for him.

We ended up moving school, and DS2 settled in well. He spent a year there, and did really well socially. But it then became apparent that he is profoundly dyslexic, as is his older brother, so they are both home educated now. The first school did not ever consider that he may be dyslexic, or that this may account a great deal for his terror of school.

HC ,it must have been very upsetting for you and your ds.You would ahve thought the school would have picked up on his dyslexia,surely they would have had other children in the past with the condition.

That's exactly how I feel about bribing him to go to school and the school have said i am making matters worse by staying with him when i take him in .They say I should just take him into school and leave promptly and not to prolong it but I feel I am leting him down and not addresing the real issus of his fear.DS noe does not trust me as I left him last week screaming out for me and the teachers pulling him off me and he keeps saying i don't want to go to school mummy will leave me there again.He was really fearful.

Am pleased the home ed is working for you ,am not sure that i would be able or confident enough to do this myself though.

I wasn't confident when I started HE, and I sometimes get flashes of 'can I really do this?'. I'm not adding to this thread to advise you to HE or not BTW, as it is a very personal decision. I only mentioned it as someone else did - I don't want you to think I'm on a crusade! What I can say is that in school my children were classed as special needs, but got very little relevant help - which crushed their self esteem and made DS2 very sad and lost. At home they learn in ways that lessen the impact of their learning differences, and are not made to feel aware of these differences every day, and in every lesson. Out of school their 'special needs' aren't relevant or highlighted (as we use other learning methods, and they now get specialist tutoring from a dyslexia trained teacher), so I didn't see the point of sending them into school anymore. They are free to return to school if and when they feel they would like to - but they haven't yet! I appreciate that your situation is different though.

Just one more message - then I'll shut up! Re the school not picking up on dyslexia. The first school refused to test either child until they were 9. We then moved to a different school, and the headteacher was fantastic. He arranged for them to be assessed by an ed psych within 3 months of them starting at his school. The ed psych sent us a report that said we should practise 'I Spy' with the children. Her report did not mention the word 'dyslexia' but a leaflet entitled 'How to help your dyslexic child' was stapled to the report! GRRRRR! We ended up getting the children tested privately.

HC -you sound like you have made the right decision in home educating your children. Am glad it has worked out for you.

The special needs section of mumsnet has really opened my eyes to the total lack of understanding in SOME schools,not all,to special needs.It sems to me you have to fight to be heard.
Am not an authority ,far from it on the SN code of practices ,but I thought this was introduced by the government to make sure schools met the needs of SN children and the parents and schools worked together.
Not sure that is happening in DS's school.

can you agree with the school that you will leave him for 1 hour and then build up ? Until he gets his confidence back.

I think you have to stress to the school that he is frightened and has lost trust in you because you left him screaming. See if you can agree a strategy with him and the school. It is important that at the meeting he gets asked what he wants to happen and that he gets a say in what goes on - that way he will feel a bit more in control and begin to relax and gain confidence.

Throckenholt-
That sounds like a good idea,to maybe reduce his hours at school for awhile until he becomes comfortable with the new situation.

As for the meeting ds will not be there as we are advised by SALT that he should not be present whilst we are talking about his selective mutism.
DS is not very forthcoming when i ask him about school in general and gets very defensive.

He would not talk in that situation anyway in front of the head and class teacher as only talks at home or outside the home in certain situations.Even when my family visit he does not always talk.