I am not coping well with being a Mum

[Notcoping]

I am feeling so awful. I seem to be losing the ability to be a good Mum to my boys atm & it doesn't take much for me to lose the plot & shout. I always feel awful afterwards & apologise because I know I am wrong to lose it like I do, but I don't feel in control.
The worst thing is, I am soon going to be a single parent & I fear I will not cope at all.
I have had a hard few months, but on the outside I appear to be coping. The reality is that I am not coping with life at all atm & I feel I cannot be a good Mum to my boys because I have a terrible short fuse.
My eldest DS has difficulties, & although he has not been assessed, I am pretty sure he is dyspraxic because the symptoms describe him perfectly. The thing is, he can be very frustrating. He doesn't do as he is told until he has been told several times & simple things like "Put your shoes on" or "Put your seat belt on" have to be repeated several times before he actually does it, which gets very frustrating.
I normally cope a lot better with everything, but just lately I seem to have very little patience & feel a terrible Mum.
I am feeling so run down & like I am not cut out to be a Mum atm. I am so scared of going it completely on my own as I don't feel I will cope.
I would be grateful of any advice, as I feel so awful & don't want to be a monster Mum.

(((((big hug)))))

Notcoping - I bet you will find hundreds of Mnetters who have felt like you at one time or another (me included) and that's without the added pressure of knowinng you are about to be a single parent. It sounds to me like you need some real support at the moment. Do you have family who could help out, give you a day away from your boys, some breathing space (and preferably some chocolate cake ) Please don't beat yourself up, you are going through a traumatic time and you are only reacting in a normal way. xx

You are having a rough time at the moment - go easy on yourself! You are not a monster mum just a frazzled mum with low self esteem! How old are your DSs? I had similar feelings earlier this year and spoke to my HV who reffered me for counselling which has helped tremendously. I think the best thing for you to do is to talk to someone about it - done feel alone because you are not. xxx

My family are not overly helpful. My Mum only takes them when she has to & doesn't have DS2 very often at all because she finds him hard work.

My Ds's are 3 & nearly 7. I am seeing my HV tomorrow & will mention how hard I am finding it atm. I have recently finished a course of counselling sessions, but the last session fell just after my marriage ended. The counsellor has told my HV I could be put down for more sessions if needed, but that I would have to go back on the waiting list, as I had the maximum sessions through the NHS.

Hi Notcoping. Your post could have been written by me!
I am incredibly shouty and short fused ATM.
Are your boys school age? If so the fact that you have had them 24/7 for the past 6 weeks will play a huge part in your feelings.
And you are about to become a single mum?? You MUST cut yourself a bit of slack.
It's one of those situations where you think everyone else are perfect model parents who never raise their voice!! But thats just bollocks!. We are all human and we all go through phases of our babes driving us NUTS.
Be kind to yourself,take a deep breath when they are winding you up and try and walk away from the situation.
((((((((((heres a hug))))))))))))

Posts crossed. At least DS1 is back at school. That should take a little bit of the pressure off your day to day.

I also work with children! I cope ok at work, that is the mad thing!

I'm really sorry you are feeling so awful. I'm going to leave others to help you with the short fuse etc but I have a 7 year old DD with dyspraxia and I know how hard coping with it can be. Have the school made any moves to get him assessed, does he get support in school to help him cope ? I know you have a huge amount on your plate at the moment but I think if possible your DS should be assessed, things get so much easier to deal with a diagnosis.

I have spoken to the SENCO & shown her the list of symptoms. She was taken aback by how many of them fitted DS perfectly, but because of my home situation, she is putting off pushing for assessment. My HV feels the same. It is so frustrating. I feel so out of control atm & I hate it.

I do see where they are coming from in one way, but how do you feel about it ? Intervention can make a huge difference to a child with dyspraxia, massively increase self esteem and I found things much easier to cope with once I knew what I was dealing with. It explained that feeling of why on earth are things always so much harder than they need to be ? DD now has a writing board, special pencil, is having a session of Physio & OT at the moment to help her with things like using a knife and fork etc and she gets a one on one session with the SENCO each week. It's all made a big difference.

I feel that I would rather he was assessed, as atm he just stands out so much & nobody really understands why. I know that he has terrible trouble organising himself in class & has to be given instructions for every little task. I had always fought against him being labelled, but now I am accepting that there is a problem & I would like him to have the help & understanding at school. He could do with a more patient, understanding mother too!

I am not one to generally recommend this route, but might a course of AntiDepressants help you back onto an even keel?

I only say this as one of my best friends has been through a very similar-sounding time, and despite practical help, counselling etc, it wasn't until 2 years of misery later, she plucked up courage and went to the GP and he gave her some mild ADs.

The effect was incredible; in 2 months she was a different person. She took them for a while and they helped her cope better, as she was more in control of her emotions and not screaming and shouting at her boys, which in turn, meant they were reacting better to her - and the trauma of dad moving out etc.

If this is not for you, I apologise for the suggestion. Put yourself back on the GP counselling waiting list as well. Also, have a look and see if there is any low-cost counselling in your area. (in my town the local Council for Voluntary Services has information on most services, including a free counselling service) available, so that might be a good place to start.

Explain the situation to your friends/family so they know what you are going through and don't be afraid to ask for help/emotional support from them; take it from me, as the 'friend', it was much better knowing how she was really feeling, than the 'brittle' ''I'm fine, just fine'', then watching her slowly disintegrate, falling out with friends without us knowing what was really happening, how she was feeling and why she was behaving so 'badly'.
I hope this long ramble makes sense; I do wish you best of luck, strength and future happiness restored

The thing that I lost it about tonight is really kind of trivial. They had their bath & DS2 wouldn't dry himself. I asked him to dry himself before putting his pyjamas on & he just ignored me, telling me that he was dry. He was very wet, but would not just dry himself. I ended up yelling, he ended up crying, I ended up upset & feeling bad. This was all over him not getting dry. I told him I was sorry for shouting, but the damage is done. I lost control & feel awful & shaky. How on earth am I going to cope with being a single mum all the time?

I think you should push for an assessment. If the school are reluctant to do it you can approach your GP and get a referral that way. They really ought to be helping him in class, giving him strategies to cope. Hopefully if things improve there it will be easier for you all at home a bit. And please try not to feel so bad, you have got a huge amount of things to deal with at the moment and you are only human. Every day life is definitely much harder with a child who has dyspraxia, it's all the little things that other people take for granted that have a big impact, especially when you are under stress.

Notcoping-you just WILL cope as a single mum. We have to. You will still shout (I certainly do) but at the end of each day you will feel a huge sense of achievement (even if a little hoarse!) And it will make you and your boys closer. I promise!

Thank you, fullmoonfiend. I was just thinking about this earlier, as I have been on AD's before & have a feeling my HV may suggest them tomorrow if I explain how I am suddenly not coping again.
To friends & colleagues, I appear to be coping as normal & I don't like to admit to how much I am really starting to struggle. I guess maybe I should open up more. I don't feel my family would help that much tbh.

AD's were my lifeline Notcoping. Just stopped now after 2 1/2 years.

I think I will push for an assessment myself, kitty. It has really been getting to me recently & I would like for DS to be getting extra help.
Spook, I guess I will cope (kind of!), as I am alone a lot of the time as it is. It is just all scaring the heck out of me atm though.

Norcoping, you are going through a big change in your life, as your marriage has recently ended. Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are bound to feel tense and worried about the future. That would be normal in your situation.

Working with children you probably find you can cope because you're not so emotionally involved with them, they are someone else's children.

Is your ex-h taking his share of the care or is that no possible at the moment?

Hi Notcoping. I whish I could lend you a hand.

I did a search on the internet as I don't know what dyspraxic means and found this . It might be helpful with your ds.

He works long hours, cam. He is on 12 hour shifts this week until Thursday, when he is off for a long w/e in Brighton for a friends birthday. I cope (or don't cope!) on my own a lot.

Thanks, M2FD, I will take a read.