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Original poster

Feeling bad about the sad things my dd's have to live through.... I wanted them to have a "gilded childhood"

30 replies

emkana · 03/09/2006 13:22

I've just realized today I have started a thread about my five year old being extremely emotional atm and about my three year old being extremely clingy...

I can't help but feel that this is at least partly due to the trauma of the last year really... since I got pregnant this time last year things haven't been easy, first I felt so sick all the time, then when that passed the scans and the worrying about ds started, and that hasn't stopped since, and I do often feel sad and emotional and am tired and irritable with the dd's when they don't deserve it at all... Then the two hospital stays with ds when I had to be away from the dd's, one of them in Germany when they were in a strange environment as well...
It makes me feel so bad because I so wish for them to have a carefree, happy childhood.

OP posts:
edam · 03/09/2006 13:25

Aw Emkana, think you have every right to feel sad. But I'd bet my house they will be fine in the long run, even if they are feeling the effects now.

Tbh, my mother had an idyllic childhood with adoring parents and I think it left her very ill-equipped for the real world.

magnolia1 · 03/09/2006 13:27

Oh hun

I'm not stalking you by the way

They are very young and I promise they will not remember the little things that you will. It is normal for 5 year olds to get emotional and 3 year olds to get clingy. Please don't feel bad, Is ds healthy at the moment? You getting enough support? Sometimes even a little extra help can make all the difference to how you feel.

I wish I had magic words to make it seem ok xxxx

Original poster
emkana · 03/09/2006 13:34

Ds is okay, but there's still no definite diagnosis, but still the poss of it being Jeune's, and that terrifies me so much because with that I will never find peace really, as he could get worse as he grows older, and have more breathing problems, and severe liver probs, and severe kidney probs...

OP posts:
magnolia1 · 03/09/2006 13:41

I can't imagine what you must go through and I am sure the not knowing is actually worse than having an actual diagnosis.

So at the moment you take each day at a time and try to cope with the feelings you have, it is no wonder you feel the way you do.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

Marina · 03/09/2006 13:44

I had a stillbirth when my ds was three and I still feel very sad and guilty sometimes about not being able to shield such a young child from the grief and the worry.
As edam says, your dds may be living with this at present, and unsurprisingly it is having an effect on their behaviour, but it is not going to wreck their childhood because they have parents who love each other and them. Honestly. My ds is fine now and he was not really at the time.
I am so sorry you are still living with this unresolved worry over your ds, Emkana. I do hope you get a proper view on whether it is Jeune's you are looking at soon.

Twinkie1 · 03/09/2006 13:45

I'm a happy grown up Em and had a shit childhood and I know people who had a great childhood without a care int he world who can;t cope with any sort of problems life throws at them as grown ups - none of the problems have been your fault and you have done your best to get them through them and life will go on and at some stage you will look back and realise it was just a blip in their very happy lives.

Original poster
emkana · 03/09/2006 19:16

thank you for answering

I just feel so sad atm

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Twiglett · 03/09/2006 19:25

oh sweetie .. we all want our kids to have a carefree, happy childhood ... but NONE of us get that .. the most we can achieve are golden moments

the one thing that is certain is that adversity makes us stronger as adults and children .. that learning to live through this will in the long run give them the ability to display empathy, kindness, love, caring, thoughts for others

it will be ok .. when they look back they will remember a remarkably strong mother who was the centre of their world

they really will

Original poster
emkana · 03/09/2006 19:57

thank you

I tell myself all these things you say but I still feel very upset atm.

OP posts:
misdee · 03/09/2006 20:00

emkana, i wish my kids havent had the suffer the way they have either.

email me any time you want to vent, we can comiserate together.

nearlythree · 03/09/2006 20:02

Hi, emkana, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. Both dd2 (aged 2) and I were in and out of hospital during my pg with ds, and then she was taken to hospital by ambulance in front of dd1 the day after ds was born. Dd1 (aged 4) has also lost one of her friends (also aged 4) this year. It's been a lot for both of them but they keep bouncing back. I think the best thing is to keep talking about it if they want to, dd1 talks about her friend and whether she will die too which is horrible but seems to help her. I was very protected from things like death and illness when I was a child and it's done me no favours whatsoever.

It must be very hard for you because of the uncertainity about ds. Forgive me but I've never heard of Jeune's. How much longer for a diagnosis?

You sound amazing. Your dds are very lucky.

CorrieDale · 03/09/2006 20:05

I really think Twiglett's right. Many of the dysfunctional/selfish/shallow adults (and parents) I know had parents who ensured that they had gilded childhoods. We learn through pain.

Original poster
emkana · 03/09/2006 20:06

misdee, I was thinking about you earlier today - it's horrible how life can turn out, isn't it?

Jeune's is a rare genetic condition which brings respiratory problems with it, but also the poss of severe kidney and liver problems later.

A diagnosis has sort of been made, but not for definite. I am resigned to ds having it though because it ticks all the boxes. The only problem is that nobody will be able to tell us at this stage whether ds will have all the potential problems or not - it's so rare and most doctors haven't even heard of it, also each case is different.

OP posts:
nearlythree · 03/09/2006 20:08

Oh, emkana . I don't know what to say, except you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

MrsFio · 03/09/2006 20:12

I wanted normal for my kids too. my whole childhood was lived in and out of hospital with my sister (who had cf and then a heart and lung transplant) i even had genetic counselling to try and be perfect but still had a daughter with a special needs and a son who i have so much empathy for...Its life and it sucks, but I still my love my daughter and wouldnt be without her

much love x

misdee · 03/09/2006 20:12

in all honmesty life is sh*t.

but even though they have turned into stubborn/boisteruious/clingy/demanding girls with all this, i know they will be alright atthe end of it, as they are secure and know they can ask anything they want about daddy and his heart and LVAD.

still waiting for 'but where will they get the new hearty from mummy?'

one of the things my kids enjoyed the most over the last year have been our stays at relatives accomadation, dd2 asked if she could go there for her birthday lol.

morocco · 03/09/2006 20:15

(((hugs))) emkana
I wish I could say something profound to make you feel better.

remember to keep looking after yourself and making time for yourself, even if it's just going to the hairdressers or going for a drive.

I know it is such a cliche, but after my ds1 was sick last year I was so upset for a long time and then one day I felt the presence of God with me and it was such a comfort. I don't like to 'preach' but it has helped me enormously. I wish you the same peace.

Drusilla · 03/09/2006 20:34

When I was 5 and my sister 7 my mum gave birth to a little boy who died at only a week old. I just wanted to say that it didn't ruin our childhood, although understandably everyone was devasted at the time. Twiglets post earlier said it all.

singersgirl · 03/09/2006 20:40

I'm so sorry you've got so much to be anxious about.

Not sure if this helps at all, but my father died when I was 3, and I still remember having had a happy childhood. Not sure my mother's memories would be the same, but it shows how good a job she did, and how resilient children are.

That's not to say that my brother and I didn't have 'issues' associated with grief/loss, but I still remember my childhood as being mostly great.

Original poster
emkana · 03/09/2006 20:42

It's very helpful to hear how people have experienced childhoods where there were problems, and how it has affected them, definitely.

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 04/09/2006 08:47

Ds woke up with a big smile today.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 04/09/2006 12:27

.. which makes it all worthwhile

Rhubarb · 04/09/2006 12:33

The younger children learn to deal with problems, the more mature they will grow up to be and the more likely they will be able to deal with future problems. If you shield them from traumas then they grow up with an inability to deal with life which is a very serious handicap imo.

You don't want your dd's to be a blubbering mess every time they forget their credit card at the supermarket or anything do you? You want them to be wordly wise, sensible, practical, knowledgable, wise and cautious, which is exactly what they will be. The earlier kids learn to deal with mild traumas, the quicker they get over them and learn from them.

Good to hear from you again Emkana!

nearlythree · 04/09/2006 14:44

Glad your day got off to the best of starts

twocatsonthebed · 04/09/2006 14:54

I agree with rhubarb - many of the people I know who had 'perfect' childhoods found it really hard to cope in later life (and in some cases found that later life never really matched up to it either).

And I think children are smarter than we give them credit for - they are much less damaged by the kind of bad stuff that just happens, whether that's bereavements or lack of money or whatever, than they are by lack of love and affection and security. As long as you love them they will get through just fine (and remember, they could just as easily have been clingy and emotional as a reaction to getting a new sibling anyway).

One of my closest friends had a brother who had cystic fibrosis and died when she was 16; his needs had to come first a lot of the time, but she still speaks of him in only the most positive ways, remembers him and the things they did with love. She'd certainly never see him as something to be regretted, and I am sure your two will feel the same.

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