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Original poster

Should a new partners income be taken into account when deciding maintenance,

48 replies

twinsetandpearls · 02/09/2006 00:41

Just had another disagreement with my ex who is still refusing to pay maintenance for dd, and this time beacuse he does not see why he should have to pay for dd when my dp "has dd all the time and plays daddy so he may as well pay for her."
I feel for my ex as he has lost his job and has a much lower paid one and also has a baby on the way and his new partner is out of work. My Dp and I do have more money coming in than them but it has not always been like that and only because we are both working and my ex is on such a low wage. I understand it must be stressful with a baby on the way, but I can't help feeling that if money was that short they should ahve waited - why have another child if you can't support the first? But that is a side issue am I being unfair by expecting my ex to pay maintence for his duaghter when I am loving with a new partner and have a higher ( but very average) household income.

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 02/09/2006 01:16

He should contribute towards his child. It doesn't matter what your dp earns imo.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 02/09/2006 01:19

Am glad someone agrres with me , was beginning to feel like the venomous bitch again!

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fattiemumma · 02/09/2006 01:20

his new situation is not an issue. he must pay for the chidl he alred has.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 02/09/2006 01:25

My ex's argument is that dp and I ahve lived wihtout maintenace payments for mnay years now so don't need the money, whereas he is struggling to live in London on a low single wage witht he baby on the way and and are having to live with her parents.

I can see that from the outside mine and dp life looks very rosy and content although money is a struggle . I don't want to take money that is needed to support his new baby but I also think as others have said that he has a responsibility to dd and if he couldn't afford to support two children he shouldn't have had two.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 02/09/2006 01:28

I also have a friend who is married to someone who is divorced and they have two children, money is a struggle for them as he pays maintenance to his ex wife, and she does lead a rather grand life with her rich new husband. She does not need the maintenance and my friend finds it hard to see the money being handed over when they are living hand to mouth while his ex and her family are living the life of luxury. So I can see the other side of the argument - although dp and I are hardly living the life of riley - but I know my ex thinks that we do.

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YeahBut · 02/09/2006 07:33

It's not maintenence for you, it's for his child. Your partner's earnings are irrelevant. Your XP can't just offload his parental responsibilities because his nose is a bit out of joint.

Amanda1 · 02/09/2006 08:37

Message withdrawn

pedilia · 02/09/2006 08:39

I would also expect my ex to pay for DS1 even though I am married. Not that it is ever going to happen.

The child is still their responsibiltiy.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 13:17

Glad to see people agree with me, not that it is getting me anywhere, as now theer is another delay while the csa waits for the baby to be born before making a decision, he has managed to hoodwink the csa into a series of dealys for nearly 3 years now.

OP posts:
edam · 03/09/2006 13:22

He has a duty to support his child. If he's skint, then that contribution might be small. But it's important that he does pay something.

After three years of evading maintenance, he's clearly just looking for excuse after excuse to avoid his responsibilities. Shouldn't be fathering another child if he can't support the one he's got.

Tinkerbel5 · 03/09/2006 13:36

'but I can't help feeling that if money was that short they should ahve waited - why have another child if you can't support the first'

twinset I dont agree with what you have said there as everyone is entitled to move on with their life after a split, I dont think its fair that his wife cannot have a baby just because you want you're maintenace especially when you arent exactly in dire straights for money by the looks of it, but I do agree with the rest of what you have said

Dont think I dont understand cause I do as im a single parent who's ex chucked in his job so he dont have to pay maintenance, I supposed to be getting the grand sum of £5 per week since June but havnt seen jack shit of that

What you will probably find is that once the CSA have sorted itself out he will come to the conclusion that he is better off not working as his wage is so low and will end up on benefits and you will end up with £5.

We all think that ex's should pay something towards their children, but very many dont

tissy · 03/09/2006 13:39

Amanda's suggestion is a sensible one- he conributes, but doesn't see you spending "his" money.

We've done something similar- dh's son's mother moved in with someone very well off. Dh still (rightly) wished to contribute to his son's upbringing, but I had big problems with her spending MY money (at the time dh wasn't earning, but wanted to keep paying £250 from our joint account). I agreed, but arranged that the money went into an account in the son's name- it was spent on him, but with his agreement. (he was about 12 at the time, I think). So, clothes, shoes, birthday treats for him were fine.

Twinkie1 · 03/09/2006 13:43

Go through the CSA - my experience with them wasn't that bad, mind you my riend has thousands owing to her and the CSA don;t seem ever to manage doing anything about it - its not maintenance its child support - if he was paying for you it would be maintenance.

DH earns 4 times what XH does but I still gladly take his money every month (when it comes) as he is DDs father and so should at least pay a little to keeping a roof over her head and buying her some treats here and there - he has DD every other week and half the holidays.

I wouldn;t even bother feeling anything about his new life or his new baby - FFS - thats not your issue and he can't stop paying for DD because he has a new baby coming along - thats saying the new baby is more important than DD and deserves the financial support (part of being a parent absent or otherwise IMO) money more than DD.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 13:44

This is throught the csa.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 13:50

Tinkerbel5 I don;t agree, his new partner knew that my ex had a child when she met him and therefore that comes with limitaions and responsibilities.

Dp has a child that he says he cannot support so therefore why have more. If I could not afford my daughter I would not leave her in even worse fininacial dire straits by having more children.

We are not in financial dire straits as in our house is not being reposessed but money is tight and the maintenance would help. I am not going to pretend to be poverty strcken as I am not but I do think that is not the issue, men should support their children and it is feckless to keep producing children and rely on others to support them.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 13:53

And we are not spending her money, she does not work , has not worked for a long time and has no intention fo working. In fact we are supporting their lifestyle as they fruadulenty ran up huge credit card bills in my name while I was ill in hospital due to his abuse and I have been left with the bill. I also turned down a financial settlement, when he was rolling in casha nd any rights to his huge pension so I think in terms of being a genourous ex wife who does not want to impinge on his future life I have more than done my duty.

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Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 13:55

Apart from feeling that they ahve ebeen irresponsible and feeling sorry for the girl I don;t really have feelings about the baby. ( although they are feelings!) he can have as many children as he wants as long as he meets his responsibilties with regard to our dd.

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tissy · 03/09/2006 14:26

tsap, I wasn't suggesting that you are spending her money- I mentioned that if he gives money, he may feel less resentful if he doesn't see you benefitting from it, if he already feels that you are better off than him. I did resent paying maintenance for my dh's child out of my earnings when his ex-wife had more money than us. BUT we agreed to pool everything when we got married, and paying maintenance was an extention of that. It made me feel better about it all to know that she couldn't spend it on herself, that's all.(Even though, logically, if she was spending my money on her son, she maore of her own money to spend on herself).

tortoise · 03/09/2006 14:31

My xp is on benifits and still has to pay maintenence through the CSA to DD1 and DD2 although to me the paper work probably cost more than he has to pay! I haven't had a payment yet though!

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 03/09/2006 14:32

We had offered to set up a savings account for dd that he could pay into, even though we could really do with the maintenance as I know that he thinks that he is funding his lifestyle, when he used to pay maintenance I used to have to provide receipts and he would deduct anything that I hadn't spent on dd from ther next lot of maintenance!

When we offered to set up a saving scheme he said that we were obviosly rolling in cash if we could afford to save the money which gave him another reason to pay.

I did however send him a list of expenses associated with dd so he oculd see where his maintenance would go if he were to pay any. I also don't see a problem with us spending the money rather than it going into a saving scheme as well as clothers, food, childcare fees etc there are expewnses such as electricity, gas and a higher mortgage to cover that are associated with having children.

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Tinkerbel5 · 03/09/2006 14:49

twin I can see that you havnt had an easy ride with you're ex, but its not you're place to say he is being irresponsible in having another child, its his business, whereas you're child together is you're business.

you're higher mortgage is nothing to do with you're ex and his maintenace money (if you had it) shouldnt go on this anyway, maintenance is for food, clothing, shoes, sweets, school trips, holdiay trips, little treats now and again for the child.

Gas & electricity would have to be paid for whether you had a child or not, you have 2 incomes coming into the house so bills should be easily paid, I manage to do it all on my own on income support.

I think a bank account for the child is a good idea, but it seem you're ex really doesnt have a pot to piss in at the moment, let alone a house where a partner comes home with another wage to help out.

Im sorry if you might feel that Im not agreeing with you but this is a message board and you will get peoples opinions whether you agree with them or not, sometimes it might even take another persons view to open you're mind and realise that what you have at home is rich compared to what other people have.

Tinkerbel5 · 03/09/2006 14:54

I forget to say that a friend of mine gets £60 cash in hand every week from her ex for maintenance, she then palms her child off on his parents for the weekend whilst she goes out boozing spunking the whole lot.

Her ex lives at home cause he cant afford to buy or rent a property, by the time he has paid his mum some house keeping, paid his work train fares, buys his lunch, he dont have anything left over.

Its just sometimes I feel sorry for the men

Tinkerbel5 · 03/09/2006 14:55

tortoise how long have you been waiting for you're maintenance ?, I have waiting for my £5 per week for nearly 4 months now

bananaloaf · 03/09/2006 14:59

tsap, when the new baby is born the csa will reduce any payment to you by i think 20%. whatever the payment is make sure you insist on the back pay

tortoise · 03/09/2006 14:59

Well xp has been gone since Nov! They only got in touch recently re payments and he's only got to pay a few pound(not sure if thats each or already both in one amount).