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Original poster

Dh just doesn't 'get' that the reason I am often a miserable git is because...

29 replies

handlemecarefully · 05/08/2006 15:45

...I know with absolute certainty that the water pistol in the middle of the kitchen floor, and ds' 'big boy pants' (teaching him potty training) lying on the sofa, plus the can of tomatoes sitting on the kitchen window sill etc will remain there in perpetuity unless I put them away. The mess is mostly dd and ds (4 & 2) but occasionally dh too, and I just can't keep up with it solo....

Tried to explain to dh which precipitated a mini rant (he didn't actually shout, but was clearly agitated) along the lines of:

"I work so hard and if you can't bring yourself to pick up a couple of things" ...(it's not just a couple of things - everything is just dropped where it was used last)
"Where do I come in all this - where's John? last as always"...

"to be honest hmc you're crazy and need your head read" (franny will agree with that one)

etc...

But all I want is for him to occasionally spot something which has been dropped where the kids stood and rather than just walking on by, putting it away....

sigh...

OP posts:
suzywong · 05/08/2006 15:51

But HMC, it is that pesky Y chromosone of his that prohibits this function.

Auntymandy · 05/08/2006 15:51

Alas he is a man!!!!

Moomin · 05/08/2006 15:53

some people (mostly men but not always) need to be trained to see things like this. often, it's not a case of they see stuff on the stairs and think 'i'm not taking that up'; they just kind of see it as something that blends in to the stairs, iyswim. they take for granted that someone will actually do it at some point and so it becomes invisible to them.

i lived in a male household as a child and i definitely have the same gene now - it's taken literally YEARS to learn that if i don't pick it up it won't get picked up... but also there's an element of 'so what?' about it too. when i was growing up (and until quite recently) i just didn't acknowledge the mess/dirt/clutter; it became invisible to me. i've got my act otagther since i've had kids really - not anthea turner by any stretch but a bit more organised with tidying up and cleaning.

now when i go to my dad's house i can't bear to put dd2 on the floor, it's so filthy. if i tell him off and say 'bloody hell dad, put the hoover round' he will, but it needs pointing out. it's not that he's lazy (he's very hardworking in the garden, DIY, etc) but it simply doesn't occur to him to do anything about it. that's probably why your dh thinks you're nagging - he's not being lazy, just has his 'man-eyes' in

Pixiefish · 05/08/2006 15:58

He's a bloke. They think differently and need showing how we want things.

Left to his own devices dh would never open curtains- he says you only have to cloese them again, nor make the bed as there's no point if its only going to get messed up again.

FrannyandZooey · 05/08/2006 15:58

HMC you are crazy and you need your head read

but

I can completely see where you are coming from on this one. However I think the only way forward is for us to learn to not let it get to us. When I feel the rage start to rise I try to think something along the lines of "how lucky I am to have such a nice kitchen, let me just put this tin back in the cupboard where it belongs" etc etc etc. It sounds a bit Stepford Wives but I have found getting cross about it does absolutely no good to me, him, or anyone, so I am trying to change my perception of it. I know there are loads of people out there who are not bothered by such things, so, I aim to change myself into one of them.

shhhh · 05/08/2006 16:18

I totally agree with you. Sadly it's the age old excuse of "he's a bloke". DH is exactly the same. He loves helping out with dd at the weekends but at times I think it's easier to do it myself. He tends to do stuff like: feed dd and leave all the dishes/wipes/mess in the lounge and go off and do something else. It's only cleared once I do it . He then ruturns and says " I was just going to do that" grrrr..!

HJ06 · 05/08/2006 16:22

Dh NEVER always left his dirty washing on the floor,untill i stoped washing it unless it was in the basket. Took a couple of weeks but he got the idea when he had no clean socks!

southeastastra · 05/08/2006 16:22

my dp is demanding peace and quite since the football season started today arrrghhh

shazronnie · 05/08/2006 17:19

And when the DH does something I have to tell him what a good clever helpful boy he is - just like when DS1 helps!

charliecat · 05/08/2006 17:22

read this poem Sighhhh...

Alipiggie · 05/08/2006 17:29

There's an advert running here about the Invisible Mom. The one who puts everything away, vacuums, feeds the dog etc. Okay it's for a hair product, but don't we all know how that feels . The put away/tidy up fairy works her magic again and again.

BettySpaghetti · 05/08/2006 17:37

HMC -I know exactly what you mean and I've had a similar conversation with DP about whether or not he actually thinks "oh Betty can put that away/pick that up/wipe up that mess later" -he claims that never crosses his mind.

Examples are : things for the recycling that get left on the side in the kitchen rather than put in the bags a few steps away, dirty dishes left on the worktop above the dishwasher (why not put them in ), kids clothes that get left strewn around the house rather than taken to the bedroom/bathroom and put in the washbasket and the main one, stuff left on the stairs to go up/down that lives there for days.

I know this doesn't give you any answers but your original post really struck a chord and wanted you to know you're not the only one

edam · 05/08/2006 18:18

Betty, it sounds suspiciously like my dh is a bigamist because he is exactly like that. I even bought him a ruddy recycling bin for the kitchen yet he STILl leaves stuff on the side. Grrrr.

I don't think we should let them off with 'it's a bloke thing'. It is not acceptable to behave as if your wife/partner is a flipping servant. Grown men should learn to pick up after themselves/their children. It's basic good manners.

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 05/08/2006 18:20

For me at least - this kind of thing leads to a brooding simmering resentment and explains why I am often terse and abrupt with dh (something he complains about).

OP posts:
Joolstoo · 05/08/2006 18:29

yes that 'Y' chromosome is to blame!

those two pointy bits at the top went straight into the eyes creating blind spots to dirt and mess - they can't help it - irritating though it is

to ALL of us!

psychomum5 · 05/08/2006 18:31

like this here too!!!!+[resigned to it now]

I have now got thro it tho by leaving things till a certain day (well, unless it is somehting in a dangerous place, stairs or kitchen etc), and then write a list of all the jobs that need doing, down to watering plants and emptying bins etc.

list is put on the side in the kitchen and everyone is to go and read and tick/cross off the one they will do/have done.

no-one is to sit down until all jobs are done, and everyone is to do at least two.

everyone now realises how much work it is in running a house, and I am less stressed as it is now not down to me alone.

we do have a cleaner too now, since my accident, and that has helped enormously, but to be fair, the cleaner only really does the 'heavy duty' stuff. it is the day to day clutter that I get all kine to help with now.

and please don't worry about him.....he is a normal man after all!

proudofmyboobs · 05/08/2006 18:34

Do you think men who have lived alone before they married or moved in with a woman are better at tidying up after themselves? I know my DH isn't. when he lived alone his house was gleaming! Now he comes in, sets his lunchbox down, wahes his hands and leaves the towel at the side, sits at the table and waits for his dinner to magically appear in front of him, goes to the loo with a paper and by the time he's finished there the dinner dishes have been washed and his lunchbox has been emptied and the towel put where it stays... sometimes I feel like splitting him!! It is something he has learned over the 8yrs we have lived together though, that I come behind him and tody it all up as I can't stand to look at the mess

SlightlyFamiliarPeachyClair · 05/08/2006 18:48

I got up early, vacuumed, cleasned the floors.

Dh got up after lunch (night worker not lazy!0 and complained profusely that there were a few toys out.

Grrrr

(Obv he didn't get away with it LOL)

Dh pretty good usually, but since I've been home from Uni he has slipped immensely. Don't mind that as such but don't expect comments either!

he never lived alone, BTW- straight to me from his Mummy. but Mummy had a cleaning business, OCD and high standards and he is well trained.

Olihan · 05/08/2006 18:51

There was a thread a while ago about the jobs that only ever get done by us and a single mum posted a slightly irate 'well ALL of them, I have to' response. I actually thought she missed the point, which is that if there are 2 adults in a household then it should follow that 2 also do the household jobs.

I have exactly the same arguments as HMC, Betty and edam have with their dp/h's. If I don't do certain jobs around the house they don't get done and it drives me up the wall. I know if I was a single mum then I would have to do it all, but there wouldn't be that resentment bubbling away constantly that dh hasn't done xyz again.

Franny - love the stepford wives idea, must try it or dh won't survive the rest of this pregnancy .

BettySpaghetti · 05/08/2006 20:41

edam -lol about the bigamist theory! DP is out tonight so I presume that means you're having a night in with him?!

fistfullofnappies · 05/08/2006 21:46

sounds like you are lucky hmc. my ex used to read a newspaper and drop it on the floor, right in front of me, for me to pick up. If I'd complained, that would have been "feminist"

NormaSnorks · 05/08/2006 21:56

HMC- they are all the same...

We have 32 people coming for a family party / BBQ tomorrow lunchtime

TOday we had LOADS to do in preparation.

The list included:

  • tidy living room
  • tidy playroom (toys knee deep)
  • clean toilets/ bathrooms change towels
  • vacuum
  • prepare all food
  • get out cutlery & crockery
  • erect gazebos
  • get out all garden furniture/ folding chairs
  • buy drinks/ get glasses
  • sort out presents/ decorations (it's a family birthday)

I took one child with me to get the food shopping. Was out about 1.5 hours. Came back to find that DH had been busy.......
.
.
.
(wait for it...)
.
.
.
.
CLEARING IVY OUT FROM BEHIND THE HEDGES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN.....

WTF?!

And then we had a massive row when I tried to point out that this was, in my opinion, a non-essential task!

cye · 05/08/2006 22:06

don't let them get away with this 'men are different' argument. my dh lived by himself for years and his flat was way tidier and more organised than my single flat...and he hasn't changed since we moved in together. i've had to raise my game! i'm pleased to say his mother brought him up surrounded by feisty women and my dh, whatever his faults, likes women and respects them - he'd never expect me to pick up after him. he does have the tidy gene that i lack, i admit - and sometimes it drives me a bit nuts that he's not as much as a slob as me (so i have know a bit how a lot of men described here feel) but i feel obliged to do my bit because it would be really rude and disrespectful and bad for our relationship if i didn't! the only thing i'd add is that if he goes away i really notice and appreciate how much he does - maybe if you have a dp/dh who is taking you forgranted a night or two away might help them see how much there is to do?! and as for it being a bit feminist - here's to it!

MrsSpoon · 05/08/2006 22:07

Arrrrgh! NormsSnorks, why do men do that!!! They know you need help and yet they choose the stupidest thing to start doing!!!

Hippyhoho · 05/08/2006 23:09

NormaSnorks that made me laugh. Totally recognise my DP. Today he built his power kite buggy, got all misty eyed about having to sell it (he has only used it once) and put it on ebay. This took 3and 1/2 hours. I went to the supermarket for family shop bought mostly stuff he likes, cleaned the bathroom and bedroom, washed a load of my DDs clothes and a load of nappies and looked after DD. Men are crap sometimes. And its good to know that I'm not the only one that rants.