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Original poster

Please help - leaving my 2 DDs for 4 days and my mum has put guilt trip on me

32 replies

Thomcat · 30/07/2006 10:24

D and I are going to a music festival from Thursday morning until Monday afternoon. We decided to not take the kids this year as hard with Lottie not walking still and having to carry her everywhere and Eve is a bit too young.

So we have arranged for both kids to be looked after by family.
My Dad has DD1 on Thursday and my mum and stepdad have DD2.
Friday my mum has both of them with the help of my sister and my dad and then my stepfather.
Saturday my MIL picks them both up and they go there for the day where my MIL, FIL and SIL all live and will be looked after by them until Sunday.
My mate then picks them up and they both go there with her husband and herself and 2 children aged 3 and 6.
On Monday my dad picks them up taked DD1 to her summer school and DD2 to the usual childminder until we arrive home.

DD2 has started pulling to stand a lot. She is 7 months old btw. She's into everything and tries to get up the first stair etc. But all are aware of this.

My mum just phoned to say she couldn't sleep last night worrying and didn't think she would be a good mother if she didn't tell me. She said she always said the positive but felt she had to balance it my telling me the negative as well. OK fair enough.

She's really worried that an accident might happen and said if she was the parent she wouldn't go.

I've said but an accident is more likey to happen in the home with me and Dp then with a doting grandparent who'll follow her around.
I've said that if she is worried about an accident happening when she is not in my care I should therefore give up work for the next year, or perhaps never go back and never leave her, just in case an accident happens.
I know that leaving a 7 month old might not be the best thing in some peoples eyes, but I'm leaving her with grandparents and it's only 4 days. What difference does it really make if I leave her 4 times in the next few months or do it back to back all at once and not leave her agin for another year, if ever?
If an accident is gonna happen it's gonna happen whether I'm there or not. And like I said it's more likey to happen in our own home.
As long as the people she's with watch her near stairs what's gonna happen anyway? She'll have 3 sets of doting eyes on her everywhere she is.
My mum has made me feel shit though.
I'm not having a holiday this year and was really looking forward to some chilld time with my DP and my best mate and some other friends and felt I was being very careful in who looked after my kids, have written out detailed notes on each, been expressing milk for DD2, have freezer stocked with home cooked meals. Now I feel like shit.
What am I supposeed to do now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 10:34

anyone there?

OP posts:
LieselVonTrapp · 30/07/2006 10:39

TBH I dont really know. I would still go and I wouldnt have any problem leaving them with my parents of inlaws as they are more than capable fo dealing with such situations. Your mother has done it before after all.

Hallgerda · 30/07/2006 10:40

I agree with you that you should go, and that your mother's arguments are rather silly.

Is it possible that she feels put under pressure to look after your children when she didn't really want to? If so, would it be possible to find someone else to take her "slot" to avoid bad feeling later? Or is she indulging in a spot of undercover bitching about your in-laws?

ilovecaboose · 30/07/2006 10:41

I would still go if I were you. DO you have a mobile that your mum could contact in an emergency and reassure her that you would be straight back?

She's probably getting worried about her capabilities and is guilt tripping you because of it.

Go and enjoy yourself - tell your mum you have faith in her abilities and that you are not thousands of miles away out of contact or anything.

giddy1 · 30/07/2006 10:43

Message deleted

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 10:48

She looks after my DDs while I work and is a really hands on helping supportive mother.
She says she just feels worried.
Not sure why.
It's something to do with it being fr 4 days, with Eve only being 7 months and doin g all this pulling to stand, climbing etc etc.
But like I said to her she's more likey to have an accident her where D and I don't follow her around the house 24/7. Doting grandparents will watch her more than we will.
She says it's just a nigglying feeling in the back of her mind is all.
What am I supposed to do about that? I feel like crap leaving my DDs with her now, not anyone else, just her and it's so not how I am with her, I just don't know how I can now hand my kids over to her and cheerly wave goodbye but I'm bloddy well going, and I don't have anyone left to ook after them that isn't already so I'll have to get over it but how uncomfortable.

Aggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
batters · 30/07/2006 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

7up · 30/07/2006 10:51

go and enjoy yourself, from the arrangements youve made your mum will have loads of support/help and she's only got them for 2 days and not on her own with your dd either.

you deserve a break and obviously totally trust your mother. i would have no worries about leaving my youngest with my mum for 4 days,even though he has to be injected every evening.

i do hope you still go

motherinferior · 30/07/2006 10:52

Take your mobile, set it vibrate as well as ring and put it in a pocket where you can feel it vibrating if the noise is loud, and go. You need a break, and you've got the opportunity for one and I really think you should go for it. If I could have left one of mine with someone for four months at seven months you wouldn't have seen me for dust!

suejonez · 30/07/2006 10:52

Thats mean of your mum to make you feel that way - sometimes being is good parent is NOT saying what you think - it's filtering the crap we all think from time to time and instead only saying the sensible thoughts. Your DD's will be fine and your mum will feel very silly that she upset you for nothing.

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 10:52

Thank you for all making me feel I'm not a bad mother.
Thank you so much.
Was in tears.
Had this all planned for months and am going this Thurs.
Everyone who has them has them for nt too ong and all have help, no-one has noth kids on their own. Typed out detailed notes and yes I have a mobile, so does DP and all of my mates all of whom have had their number given to all people looking after kids.
Anything happens we'll be home in 2 hours tops, I'm not leaving the country.

Ohhhhhh feel better but not great.

OP posts:
7up · 30/07/2006 10:53

drop them off, wave goodbye, have a cry.when youre on the road to the festival youll stop worrying and when you get there youll be so pleased that you went. have a fab time

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 10:54

Ohhhh thank god, was a risk putting this oput on mumsnet incase you all said 'don't go you witch, stay at home, how dare you leave your babies'.

think I should quickly log off while you all still agree with me!!!!!

OP posts:
Chandra · 30/07/2006 10:56

Thomcat, if this was not your thread, if I didn't know so much about what a careful and considerate mum you are, if I didn't like you so much...
I would be suggesting a compromise, probably going but for fewer days. It's true that dotting grand parents will follow children around but they also get tired more easily, and more prone to do mistakes (i.e. my mum gave DS a chocolate with peanut and it didn't pass though her mind to check it even when she knows he could have an anaphylactic shock, fortunately we were near and things were OK)

Do as you feel comfortable with, but please consider the above too

Blackduck · 30/07/2006 11:03

TC - go...leave notes etc. Tell your mum you understand her worries, but you know they will be fine because she, your father, etc. will all be there keeping an eye out (phrase this in a way that doesn't stress her more, but makes it plain you trust her...)! Go and have a fabby time (like MI I'd have been out the door like a shot at such an opportunity!)

pecka · 30/07/2006 11:04

Go and have a great time. You have covered all angles wonderfully.

Which festival are you going to?

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 12:45

Thanks all.
Have spoken to mum again and think we both feel better.

She doesn't know why she felt worried just a niggly thing that she felt lying in bed last night so thought she should say rather than not say.

Hopefully she's feeling better.

Off to the the Big Chill Pecka.

OP posts:
anniediv · 30/07/2006 13:10

Hello Thomcat. I think other posters are right...your mum has brought you up with no problems, why should she have a problem with your dds. Recently my mum had my 3 dds (5, 4 and 9 months at the time). She was worried that dd2 would run off if they were out and about. I bought a wrist strap from mothercare, showed it to dd2, gave it to my mum and said use it if you have to. Dd2 of course behaved impeccably for grannie, the wrist strap stayed in it's packet and everyone was happy. Could you maybe take your mum a play pen or a stander or something if she is genuinely worried about the 7 monther pulling herself up and having an accident if unattended for a short spell? I bet it wouldn't be used because as you say, doting grandparents follow them around and would never let anything willingly happen to them!

I hope you have a fab time, happy chilled thomcat=happy chilled dds??!

clairemow · 30/07/2006 13:20

I think they're right too. I don't think your mum should get too tired, as you've divided the childcare out in a really detailed way, and left everyone notes, and left expressed milk. I think I understood that your mum has DD2 on Thurs and both of them on Friday - it all sounds great. I don't think you could do much more in preparation!

Have a lovely time!

PS we went to San Francisco last summer for a week, and left DS (16 months then) with my mum and dad for the whole time - if anything happened, we'd have been an overnight flight away.. In your case, you're much nearer.

motherinferior · 30/07/2006 18:13

Have an utterly fabulous time. I do think that on those rare (for me!) opportunities to get away from one's kids one should have a total blast and misbehave

dmo · 30/07/2006 19:01

dont worry yourself your a brill mother
as is your mother
i left my boys then aged 2 and 3 with family while i went on honeymoon for 2 weeks
your bound to feel guity but forget it enjoy the concert you lucky thing
who are you seeing?

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 22:04

Can't tell you how good it is to read all yur posts. Honestly. The first thing i did was com on mumsnet. I thought, if I'm wrong this lot will tell me, or they'll make me feel better. Either way your opinions count, one mum to another - en mass, in these moments, which thankfully I don't have toooo many of.
Even nicer though that you are all for me going, would have been rubbish if you'd all told me I was crap and I shouldn't be going!

OP posts:
anniediv · 30/07/2006 22:06

Ha! We are all !!

Original poster
Thomcat · 30/07/2006 22:07

LOL! xxx

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 30/07/2006 22:13

Thomcat, these opportunities don't come along all that often, Lottie and Eve will be fine, your mum will be fine and once your mum has had them she will i am sure be happy to have them again, now go pack your bags and have a fab time.