If you are a SAHM, how do you stop yourself from hating your life?

[hunkermunker]

Anyone else at home, loathing it, no money and no chance of a holiday now or for the foreseeable future?

I am.

Shit, isn't it?

Going out now.

Which is a good thing or I'd type something I'd regret.

How the fuck do you stop your brain from turning into fucking soup if you're at home with a 2yo and a baby?!

Hunker, I have days like that, I suspect all of us do

My ds will be 21 months when no.2 arrives so I know I only have one to cope with (for now) but it does help to get out

I went to the park today and it sounds incredibly corny but DS has started walking really well and he was off exploring the grass and trees, pointing at things and having a good walk about. Sometimes it is watching those simple things that makes me gratful I am not in an office missing out on those moments . I have 'given up' a high earning career and I know it's a rose tinted glasses view, but it lifted my spirits for a bit anyway!

Have just rung you hunker and sounded like a total dickhead on your voicemail so you best ring me back

I can totally sympathise. I felt exactly like this when ds was a baby. Its just that awful feeling of spending all day with just a baby for company, and trying desperately to find some way of amusing him all day (whilst also trying to get household chores done as well as feeding both of us, changing baby etc.) Even though we got out a lot as he became older (which certainly helped), it was still difficult to have a decent conversation with the other mums, because ds always seemed to be needing something. The thing I really missed was other adult,non-child related conversation. The thing that really kept me going was going to the band rehearsal on a Wednesday evening - doing something completely different with other adults and NO CHILDREN! Oh, yes, and it didn't help when dh came home from work, and said "Oh, I'm SOOOO tired, I must have a rest before I do anything else" as if I had been taking it easy all day!

But if its any consolation, now ds is 5 (well, even by the time he was 3) things are so much better, and I'm really enjoying life.

oh yes I like to remind my MIL that she had HER MIL living next door so she could watch the children whenever she felt like popping out (funny how she doesnt tell me this story since I have had MY Children )

I also second the "when they get a bit older" scenario of it being a bit easier. Now dd is 4 and ds 1.5 it is no longer "baby world" in our house. I find it much easier to get things done, plus (particularly with dd) I can play board games do craft etc (much more stimulating than building bricks and shaking rattles. Plus I can have some semblance of a conversation with dd.

Being a SAHM is THE hardest job in the world - couldn't do it myself, tried for 9 months and ended up crying over the jobs pages desperate to get out!

Don't really know you or back story so sorry if any of this sounds impractical but have you considered going going to evening classes - my local college do them for about £30 a term. Also I got evening work for 2nightsaweek while DH stayed home and babysat - that way I had money and time out of the house.

Also you could ask your HV about homestart, if you have PND that'll qualify you for a referral and you won't be able to leave the house but you would get som time off to have a bath, read a book, garden - whatever you like!

Hope you feel better soon

I feel the same very often, feel guilty and sometimes want to go back to work.

Don't have any family support or good friends over here, kids always seem to get sick, ds (2.6 years) is going through the 'terrible twos' and dd (8mnths) just seems to fuss everyday.

To top it all, the only person I can unburden myself on is my mom, who then keeps telling me that I'm not coping when I mention I would like another some day, and criticises my housework, routines, etc etc.

WTF does she know, she's in South Africa and we only see her for 4wks a year.

Oh dear

I'm sure you are doing a great job - but I have to admit I am dreading staring nas a SAHM myself. I currently work 3 days a week and that for me is prtty much ideal. However work now needs me 4 days a week - (to much for me) and ideally we need to move out of out small flat into a small house but at least with a garden.

We are thus onsidering moving nearer my dh's work (cheaper houses) and me giving up work. In my head it is the best thing to do - but I find myself crying everytime I think about it. I had PND the last time I was home fo 11 months after ds was born.

I don't know what to suggests. I would say get out as much as you can but if I'm honest when I was really depressed this didn't really help - it does help though if it is just a phase/bad week/day and you are feeling down.

When I was fully blown depressed (i.e struggling to get out of bed and spending almost all day in tears), I actually did continue to go out almost every day and made a supreme effort to meet for mother's groups etc. However it often made me feel worse when I got back and not much better when I was out so the incentive to do it was very small.

Are you on any medication? I found that seeing a counsellor and talking to the doctor made me look at things and really consider medication. I ended up deciding to try 30-60 mins of intense exercise (without ds) every morning before dh left for work. If this didn't work I would take the drugs.

This was a nightmare to do as Ds almost never slept and I was exhausted but dh was on a work sabattical so I had loads of support and he went to work late a lot. It actually worked after about 2 weeks but I had to keep it up 3-4 times a week for at least 2 months, then a lot of the really bad depression seemed to lift and I could get away with being a lazycow again.

However this is really not a practical solution for most mothers with young children I know.

Hi

I am in the same boat - was up crying til 2am on tuesday which of course really helped wednesday...

I also get tearful at the thought of trying to go back to work ,guilty at he prospect of the children going to daycare etc.panic stricken at the thought of them being ill and not being there. It doesn' feel like an option.

I'm at home with ds19m and as i can't afford not to work but equally can't afford childcare the brilliant idea was to childmind a friends dd also 19m. So it's pretty much like twins i suppose. I hate it. They drive me up the wall and i dread the days she's coming. I feel that i should be grateful that i am earning and able to spend time with my ds but after 1 year i'm so fed up. The heat doesn't help this week!

Well, I have money, a big house and garden, 3 lovelt children and I'm going on holiday on Sunday. And I still hate being a SAHM. That's nto strictly true but a break would be nice. A meal that doesn't involve "hurry up. Use your cutlery. Cut it up don't chew it off the fork. OK BabyDragon, just let me eat my dinner..." I'm now at the point where, when I hear her whiney little "I'm in paaaaaaaaain! I'm hoooooooooooooooooot! I'm miiiiiiserable!" cry I think "shut the f@@@ up" rather than "oh, poor little thing, come here for a cuddle."

Sigh. It does get better I guess.

So glad I'm not the only one.

Really should email this thread to my mom.

The answer to the question, PND and depression not withstanding, is

Live In The Moment

Ditto Soupy.

How come I'm always thinking, in exasperated tone 'what noooooooow??' everytime one of mine starts up.

I am insensitve and uncaring mummy

IME, the answer is an enormous glass of chilled pinot once you get them to bed. Even earlier if you really want to - I've been known to sup one while watching Deal or no Deal

really?
god

Bog off!

Ah Suzy - yes that is exactly it - however when you are truly in the depths of depression this is almost impossible to do.

I find it pretty difficult to do even when not depressed though I am trying more and more.

The main problem arises when the moment is a 's*t one' - though I am gradually learning that my problem is than in trying to avoid all the s*t moments by living in the past/future intead of the now - I am also avoiding all the good ones by default.

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I was desperate for a lager shandy by 2 o'clock yesterday. Kept thinking of summers past pre-kids when you could just think "oh f*ck it" and sit in the pub garden all lunchtime, and then just concentrate on seeming sober for work in the afternoon.

Or being able to go on holiday and do f*ck all except lie there with a book, air conditioning, chocolate straight from the fridge without someone wanting to share, and ice cold beer.

I've actually applied for a full time job this week - me, who thought I'd be a stay at home mum for at least the next 3 years or so. Problem is, I now feel horribly guilty, don't want to put the kids in childcare and am now almost hoping I don't make it to interview, just so I don't have to actually make a decision.

Just don't know what I want to be honest.

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Poor you Hunker Are you receiving any treatment? I think there's more to how you are feeling than just being an SAHM.

I've been an SAHM for five years now and I have found the last few months really hard going. We have no family to speak of in the UK, no money and no prospects, but we are going camping for 4 days next month so that's kind of keeping me going atm. It's that sort of treat once in a while that can make all the difference for me.

Hunkermunker - I reckon the weather makes things much worse. I came to a complete standstill yesterday and felt absolutely dreadful (just wanted to curl up into a ball). I've only got one but she seems to have endless health 'issues' and has just turned from an angel to a monster (kicking, biting, lots of no's, etc) and is just so bloomin' unreasonable. Being a SAHM wasn't meant to be like this!!! Anyhow, this is a long way of saying that I'm not exactly in the same boat but think I"ve got an inkling of how crap you can feel one day and how it can feel loads better the next (don't feel like curling in said ball today!) Chin up and I hope you manage to get a break or a bit of breather.

Hunkermunker - I reckon the weather makes things much worse. I came to a complete standstill yesterday and felt absolutely dreadful (just wanted to curl up into a ball). I've only got one but she seems to have endless health 'issues' and has just turned from an angel to a monster (kicking, biting, lots of no's, etc) and is just so bloomin' unreasonable. Being a SAHM wasn't meant to be like this!!! Anyhow, this is a long way of saying that I'm not exactly in the same boat but think I"ve got an inkling of how crap you can feel one day and how it can feel loads better the next (don't feel like curling in said ball today!) Chin up and I hope you manage to get a break or a bit of breather.