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Original poster

Appropriate punishment

32 replies

jampots · 19/07/2006 22:55

Ive been out this evening for a couple of hours and have just got back to absolute mayhem.

It would appear that:

dh was whinging and having a go at dd. She shut her bedroom door in his face and he saw red and punched it through Then she (pissed off) threw her drumstick at her mirror wardrobe door and chipped it. Not to be outdone dh then decided to boot it and it has broken all over the floor. Unbeleivably, no one thought to actually clear the mess up.

I am at a complete loss as to what punishment to dish out apart from stopping her allowance until the price of a new door has been covered.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 19/07/2006 22:57

go back out and don't come back .. let them sort it out themselves

why should she pay for him breaking her door .. maybe her mirror

think your dh has been a little unruly and could do with a bit of a spanking tbh

fishmitten · 19/07/2006 22:58

But if dh is doing stuff liek that also, it is only teaching her that such behacior is acceptable? And by only punishing her, she will see it as vastly injust and get even more wound up.

I think you need to speak to both of htem.

controlfreaky2 · 19/07/2006 22:59

i hope the biggest and worst punishment will be for dh... how about an anger management course?!
he is meant to be the adult ffs.

hunkermunker · 19/07/2006 22:59

I'd ask DH what a suitable punishment for DD was and then ask DD what a suitable punishment for DH was.

hunkermunker · 19/07/2006 23:00

I actually think your DH has behaved far worse than your DD - she reacted to him, it would seem.

Original poster
jampots · 19/07/2006 23:00

I have spoken to him - he's saying he gets so wound up here he'll look for altenrative accomodation over the next couple of weeks. I dont expect dd to pay for her bedroom door but her mirror wardrobe door as she broke it initially.

Above everything I am completely disappointed in her because this just isnt her (although dh does nag her quite a bit)

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 19/07/2006 23:00

Agree, they both need a good talking to. It gives the wrong message if only dd is punished.

Greensleeves · 19/07/2006 23:00

I don't want to upset you, but I would be MUCH more worried about your dh's behaviour than your dd's. I wouldn't be worrying about punishing her, but his behaviour sounds violent.

I don't want to offend you but it doesn't sound good to me.

Original poster
jampots · 19/07/2006 23:01

we've had a long history of dh doing stuff like this although not for a few years now.

He's gone to the pub now (which i am very glad about)

OP posts:
misdee · 19/07/2006 23:03

erm, she chipped the mirror, he smashed it!

i'd kick him out. sorry!

Caribbeanqueen · 19/07/2006 23:03

Alternative accommodation - -does that mean a separation? sorry if there's some history there I don't know about.

controlfreaky2 · 19/07/2006 23:06

sorry if sounded flippant before. what do you think / want? are you ok?

fishmitten · 19/07/2006 23:20

jampots are you ok? This needs sorting out, him buggering off to the pub isn't a solution.

Original poster
jampots · 19/07/2006 23:33

sorry yes I am ok thanks Ive been for a shower. Children now sleeping. Dh still at pub

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/07/2006 23:36

apart from doors being punched sounds like a day at my house.

if its an out of the ordinary occurance i'd be pissed off at both.

if its pretty much regular - then theres a deeper issue as some are suggesing.

i dont hink if its the former that he should leave - in fact why the fuck should he leave you to do all the hard work?

i'd not stand for that

hope your ok

colditz · 19/07/2006 23:42

God, my dad was just like this. I always wondered why my mum let him behave like a toddler. I wished nearly every week that she would leave and take us with her. His violent fits used to petrify us, he was always breaking something.

You should not punish your daughter IMHO. All her behavior has been reactive to his behavior. His behavior has been borderline abusive.

Original poster
jampots · 19/07/2006 23:43

about 5 years ago dh went through a phase of kicking/punching things esp doors afterwards he feels terrible but he says its like something welling up in him and he has to lash out. Obviously I worried at the time that one of the children would cop it. Over the last 3 years or so though he hasnt done it at all (after seeing a psychologist who explained the anger/tension/anxiety thing and how to break it before it gets out of hand. So now of course I leave our children (10 nearly and 13) with him because I cannot be expected to think he's going to hurt them (he never has incidentally). Obviously he does have control issues which Ive regularly discussed on here and in reality i think tonight was a result of me going out.

He's been in from the pub now and gone to get something to eat

OP posts:
Original poster
jampots · 19/07/2006 23:46

so you dont think I should punish dd for an "outburst" costing a good few quid? I desperately dont want them to grow up like dh and am thinking that maybe quashing anything now would help.

What do you all think about me showing his parents when they're next here (over the next few days). Ive already mentioned (although feel it fell on deaf ears) that his behaviour is atrocious at best. His dad changes the subject and his mum thinks he just works too hard and I shoudl get a job

OP posts:
colditz · 19/07/2006 23:50

Yes, my mum used to blame herself too. She only went out on her own if my dad was at work, because she never knew what would happen if he was at home.

He would bitch and bitch and bitch, then I would backchat, then he would break something, then I would throw something, then he would really break something.

Then mum would come home, and I would get the blame. I would be told "You know yourn dad's on nights/had a bad day/ has a bad temper/is tired/ isn't well/ doesn't like cheek, why can't you just keep your mouth shut?"

So from the age of about 9, I had a mother who hardly dared leave the house without us.

I'm sorry JP, I know you probably don't want to hear this, but the way he is acting is damaging your daughter. It's not your fault for going out, it's his fault for doing it!

colditz · 19/07/2006 23:51

Are you going to punish your husband more severely than your daughter? How can you expect a 13 year old to manage her temper completely, in the face of such outragious behavior?

colditz · 19/07/2006 23:52

If you punish your daughter, and your husband gets no recriminations, she will remember it for ever, and I am sorry to say she will resent it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/07/2006 23:53

oh sorry hun

What a mess to come back too.

FWIW - i agree with others that its difficult to discipline her without disciplining him too.....

UCM · 19/07/2006 23:58

Don't know if this helps but DH had to go and clench the sink and stare moodily out of the window recently. When asked what was wrong (having heard him trying to get DS 2.5 to behave) he replied 'I am going to really hurt that boy one day'.

As you don't know my DH, I will explain. He is the placid one but is very tough on manners and general niceness, he doesn't give a shite about DS messing clothes/toys/house etc cos' he is little but he does expect him to be nice and share and not hurt anyone else.

DS, however, knows that his Dad expects this, and seems to take great delight in making sure this doesn't come about.

They are a fecking nightmare over this.........and I can't seem to explain it to DH.

Jampots, I don't have older kids than this yet, but I know that kids can drive people mad, especially men, particularly if they are out at work all day and want their kids to be nice for an hour (which we all know aint gonna happen), so chill over this and seriously tell your DH that she will be just as bad every time cos' he is. I know that DS bangs his hand down because his dad does it for effect.

Then bang their heads together!

Original poster
jampots · 20/07/2006 00:09

Im not blaming myself for this though and I never do - its just another controlling tactic. He knows I worry about the children and if he can give me cause not to go out he will. He already rang me up on my way out to tell me I'd left 3 pairs of shoes at the bottom of the stairs nad he was going to throw them over the end of the garden. I told him to carry on. Obviously he didnt.

I realise in future I will just have to get a babysitter when i go out

OP posts:
colditz · 20/07/2006 00:12

Well, that sums it up. definately get a babysitter. And make him fix the door and apologise to your daughter.

Sorrry he's being such a knob JP.