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Original poster

when your best friend is so much richer than you are.......

70 replies

bubblepop · 17/07/2006 21:43

does it bother you? do you find it difficult to maintain the friendship?
it really shoud'nt matter i suppose with a good friend but just recently mine said to me "well, its obvious me and my dh have got a lot more money than you and your dh"
i felt sooo small......

OP posts:

mylittlepony · 19/07/2006 19:30

I find it very difficult to be honest. We live in a very rundown house and have little money coming in. I live in an affluent area and when you meet other mothers at the mother and toddler groups etc the first question that they will ask you is where your children are going to school so that they can decide whether it is worth making an effort to get to know you. I'm an older mother and all my contemporaries seem to be sending their children to prep schools which are way out of our league. Please don't tell me I'm imagining it because I've heard other mothers mention that they've felt the same. I also feel that I'm letting my children down because I know that they are not going to have the same opportunities in life.

MaloryTowers · 19/07/2006 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylittlepony · 19/07/2006 19:34

The trouble is that however nice they may be, they're half my age and, on the whole, I have b**r else in common with them in terms of education, past career etc. I need a bit more than shared poverty to base a friendship on.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 19/07/2006 19:37

The trouble is that however nice they may be, they're half my age and, on the whole, I have b**r else in common with them in terms of education, past career etc.

It may interest you to know that most of my closest friends at about twice my age, highly educated, wonderful careers behind them etc etc - they're also much better off than me though LOL.

I've learnt very quickly when I was a 'young mum' (at the ripe old age of 21 LOL) that age rarely matters, and differences in background are no real hinderance to a good friendship.

mylittlepony · 19/07/2006 19:41

Thank you QOFQ, perhaps you've hit the nail on the head. I didn't mind being broke when I was 21. However, it feels a bit different when you're 42 and still struggling when all of your contemporaries have moved on to having greater comfort and choices for their children. I think I felt that if I did all the right things before starting my family ie university, career and mortgage, it would all be okay and it just hasn't turned out like that. I'm actually in no better position that I would have been if I'd started my family straight from school.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 19:42

Bubblepop.lOADS OF MONEY DOSEN'T MEAN YOU ARE A 'BETTER' PERSON.tHERE DOES SEEM TO BE THIS ASSUMPTION.[WOOPS caps on].Regardless if you aint got much in common maybe they aren't the friends for you.It is quite usual for people to drift apart over the years. People that talk about how much money they have or how much you don't have are obviously insecure.Mylittlepony Lots of these prep schools are full of aspiring ,nouveau people..you are not depriving your kids if they aren't mixing with these people.

mylittlepony · 19/07/2006 19:43

It's not the mixing, it's the educational opportunities. We live in an area with grammar schools and a lot of people send their children to prep school to help them towards passing the 11+, it has the effect of raising the standard for all of the children.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 19:46

Mylittlepony that is how my dp feels!The people he knew at school who went into'trades'are all settled with pensions etc.We are in a rented house and have had lots of ups and downs and will prob have more![dp is 42 and i am 37].But at least we have tried and are trying.We have not been too scared to 'give it a go'...I want ds to have the confidence to try things and not be afraid to leave his town and put himself out there and to get a broad view of the world.It is also important to be adaptableWhat would happen if these people were made redundant i wonder!?

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 19/07/2006 19:47

but MLP - children from 'poor' backgrounds that go to 'poor' schools can still do well if the parents have the right attitude - the problem is that many parents with low incomes and children at 'poor' schools don't give a sh*t - their children most definitely suffer because of it.

Parents like yourself who don't just want their children to do well (but do b*gger all to help), but encourage them and help them along on their way have just as much chance of succeeding in life as those from the prep school.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 19:49

We sent our son to a prep and lots of people were doing it to send their kids to the grammar.i do know what you mean about the educational opportunities.But they are really and truely hothouses[can be].After i had been in the area longer i realised that 2 or 3 of the state primaries were great and 1 or 2 were prob better!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 19/07/2006 19:50

and having just re-read my last post if you can make sense of what I was trying to say you deserve a nice cold glass of wine LOL.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 19:51

What do you mean 'succeeding in life?'
I realise people have different definitions of success.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 19:54

I think lots of these prep schools are to fleece the insecure nouveau's of their cashand they can be prety mediocre and are just hothouses..

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 19/07/2006 20:09

I wouldn't have been upset by Bubblepop's friend, seems just a statement of fact in context.
My sister and her dh are very wealthy but they have earned it. We all have a good laugh at each other and appreciate that we're all happy the way we are - them with their bimonthly holidays and hilarious 'necessities' and us with our 'grotty' area and camping.

MadamePlatypus · 19/07/2006 21:00

We live in a grammar school area - I would have thought that the grammar schools would take into account the coaching that had been given at prep schools? I know that plenty of state school children get extra coaching too to get into grammar schools, but still...

spidermama · 19/07/2006 21:05

I find it hard because my loaded friend is now on a different planet from me. She has one to one yoga, a posh car, all sorts of staff in her house (housekeeper, cleaner, men decorating etc) and I'm always rushing around all sweaty, badly dressed and up to my eyeballs while she swans around shopping for another pair of shoes to add to her collection or sits in the salon reading interior decorating magazines.

I find we simply have less and less to talk about as time goes on. Sad but true.

However I wouldn't like us to drift apart completely as I have a real soft spot for her. So I'll settle for a snatch cup of coffee every month or so with her.

catsmother · 19/07/2006 21:27

MyLittlePony and Doobydoo ..... maybe we should start a club called "Forty something failures" !!! ........ just joking (I think). I'm also 42 this year, with small toddler and also seem to be regressing as each year passes so far as material, employment and social "success" (yes, I know it's subjective) are concerned.

Our current position is due to a whole load of bad luck (long long story) and a couple of crappy divorces between us (me & DP) 'cos basically we were both too "nice" and got walked all over, which certainly didn't help matters.

Anyway ...... I agree it's tough when your contemporaries, and worse, people a lot younger than you appear so much more settled and secure (that's what I care about - security BTW - not "flash" things).

Back to the point of Bubblepop's thread ......

..... I think that she was tactless FWIW, but then again, you were discussing how finances might affect friendships.

It happened to me once, an ex friend's partner came into quite a bit of money and they moved from a 2 bed terrace to a 5 bed detached. Good for them ............ but then came the immortal remark:

"Isn't it funny" she said (err no, actually) "how a month ago we were the poor church mice and you were so much better off than me" (in her opinion, as I had a 3 bed)..... "and now look at us, the situations have completely reversed !!"

At the time, I had just split up with my son's father.

She then went on to complain (complain FFS) because she thought keeping four (oh yes, she made sure the large no. of loos was emphasised) toilets clean would be a bind.

doobydoo · 19/07/2006 21:52

Yes i can only imagine how time consuming cleaning 4 toilets would beI know lots of wealthy people but they honestly don't seem particularly happy.Some are quite petulant and one is happy that her husband is in a job he loathes as long as she can maintain her lifestyle.Security is what i would like too catsmother,and to be able to buy a book or a coffee without huge pangs of guilt.It does annoy me that kids of people with money will be able to go to the so called'better schools'and with half the intelligence of other poorer kids.and will have the advantages and be able to try different things but they won't always be happier as they are prob expected to have sensible jobs[so called]and will never be able to do what they really want,which i think is part of the nouveau thang!

MadamePlatypus · 19/07/2006 22:12

Isn't there an element of lifestyle choice involved too? Not everybody wants to pretend that they have just stepped out of Heat magazine. Maybe I am lucky in that as far as I know most of the people I come across have similar incomes. However, what I have in common with them is similar interests. I would rather go camping than to a beach resort in Phuket at this point in my life. I don't want a posh car. I like my little 2 up 2 down house (Maybe I am just a puritanical Gordon Brown type person).

Original poster

bubblepop · 21/07/2006 13:49

hey you lot! thanks for the responses! you've certainly all given me something to think about.ive had two lovely girls around this morning for a brew and a natter with their kids.ive realised that they're more on my wavelength, maybe its time for pastures new.i won't be rude to my longstanding friend but maybe we're drifting apart. hey, its a big world out there, with plenty of people in it!!

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