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Original poster

when your best friend is so much richer than you are.......

70 replies

bubblepop · 17/07/2006 21:43

does it bother you? do you find it difficult to maintain the friendship?
it really shoud'nt matter i suppose with a good friend but just recently mine said to me "well, its obvious me and my dh have got a lot more money than you and your dh"
i felt sooo small......

OP posts:

mazzystar · 17/07/2006 23:09

l don't think its so very idealistic to expect to maintain friendships despite financial circumstances, especially when you have shared experience and history behind you. New friendships might be different, though.

PSB · 17/07/2006 23:12

One of my best friend's is a multimillionaire (we're not! - nowhere near)- makes no difference at all. She comes from a very normal background though, and we met as equally poor students. If it does make a difference its not a proper friendship.

Pruni · 17/07/2006 23:23

Message withdrawn

essbee · 17/07/2006 23:32

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 17/07/2006 23:42

In that context, I can sorta see why she said it, but it was still tactless and unnecessary, surely?

CristinaTheAstonishing · 17/07/2006 23:46

Bubblepop, I'd have been mightily pissed off too. When I told one of my friends that we were thinking of moving abroad to live & work for a couple of years she said "ohh, I could never do that. But then i have a nice house" as if I had nothing at all to leave behind. It still infuriates me to think about it.

ghosty · 18/07/2006 02:06

Haven't read the rest of the thread ...
My oldest, bestest friend is loaded - married to a millionnaire - big mansion in Cobham, flash cars etc.
Doesn't bother me and I would be worried if it did as I think it would make me very shallow. She is lovely and the sweetest person I know and we have been best friends for 25 years. But she never makes references to the fact that she is much better off than we are - although when she is having a 'clear out' I get first dibs on her clothes and she sends them to me
TBH I would much rather be married to my DH than hers for all the money in the world as he is a total git but that is another story

colditz · 18/07/2006 06:28

one of my friends is a lot richer than me, and always has been - but I have known her since we were 11. If I need to say "Don't be absurd, we can't possibly afford to do that, we'd starve!" I can.

BudaBabe · 18/07/2006 06:49

Sounds like the comment WAS in context. It wasn't designed to wipe your nose in it - you were having a discussion about the subject. Yes the comment might niggle but it should be her day-to-day relationship with you that matters.

niceglasses · 18/07/2006 07:01

Was it a Harry Enfield character who used to say ' I am considerably richer than yowwwwwwwwwwww' in Brummie accent??

Yup, she may have more money but think you have more manners.

Freckle · 18/07/2006 07:01

Sorry, but you were having a conversation about this very subject and she was just making a statement of fact. I'd be seriously p*ssed off if a friend of mine came out with such a statement for no reason, but, if discussing that specific issue, it seems silly to object to what she said. Should she have lied or fudged her way around it? You say you are good friends, so presumably she thought she could say that without offence because you have a strong friendship. Or maybe you are more affected by the difference in your finances than you care to admit .....

FioFio · 18/07/2006 07:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jampots · 18/07/2006 07:57

my best/closest friend lives in the US and her dh is a VP of a huge company. He earns stinking amounts of money and they have a brilliant lifestyle. However it doesnt bother me as she remains exactly the same (although occasionally forgets that its not so easy to send my children to after school clubs etc every single day and through the holiday).

joelallie · 18/07/2006 08:11

Most of our friends seem to have more money than us. We just made the wrong decisions all along the line so are constantly struggling to do more than simply get by. But most of the time it's not a problem - I get a trifle pee-ed off sometimes when friends tell me they've arranged a last minute holiday somewhere nice on top of the main holiday when we struggle to afford a week in the UK. But I'm perfectly prepared to accept that is my problem not theres . However I did get seriously fed up last weekend at a wedding when my DHs boss and his wife started whingeing that they couldn't move to Australia because of their DD's illness - the lifestyle is so much better and they'd get so much more for their money. Compared to most people I know their lifestyle is just about perfect. It did feel a bit like a kick in the teeth as they know our situation.

hollyhobbie · 18/07/2006 08:21

My other mum friends are pretty much all married to men who work at the same company as DH, and who are all his superiors. They all have bigger flats, and a cleaner, and go shopping a lot more than I do. I think we're the only couple in our social circle who ever mention the word 'budget'.
But- their DHs all have to be away on business SO MUCH. I'd like some of their money, but I think I prefer DH being at home more.

Blackduck · 18/07/2006 08:35

How RUDE and not something one friend should say to another....For many years one of my closest friends earnt significantly less than I did and I had far more disposable income I never said anything, but would pay for more (buy the extra bottle of wine and all that...)...it wasn't an issue for me, and I would sooner have spent more than my 'share' in order to have the pleasure of her company!

Miaou · 18/07/2006 08:36

Having read the context in which it was said, no, that comment would not have annoyed me, it is simply a statement of fact. Tbh although it was clumsily said, it shows that she acknowledges that your opportunities are not necessarily the same as hers - like others have said, not assuming that you can get a new car or a cleaner or holiday clubs. The kind of rich "friends" that really piss me off are the sort who say "let's go out for a meal", leaving meto have to spell out that we can't afford it - or "I can't believe it,I've only got £100 to spend on myself this month" - when they know I've not got two pennies to rub together.

lorina · 18/07/2006 09:06

I have one friend who always has to point out that she has better things than me , how much they cost etc. But because we are true friends (met when we were 14 and are 40 soon) I just let her tell me. I think it makes her feel better so I just take it on the chin.

In reality i have more money than her but it isnt 'on display' in the same way as hers
But I would never tell her that in the same way I would never say horrible things about her dh.

Earlybird · 18/07/2006 11:52

I recently read about a study that said most people are happier if the majority of their friends have "less than them" because there are then no issues about "keeping up" or feelings of envy/jealousy to contend with. They also feel much happier about what they can afford/do, instead of a niggling feeling of being deprived.

This is a sensitive subject for me. DD is at a school where many of the children come from families with scary amounts of money. I went to one house to pick her up from a playdate, and thought "their sitting room is almost the size of our entire flat"! I am sad to admit that I have not asked this child back to ours for a playdate because we live so much more modestly.

We have a nice life, and we are fortunate enough to have some luxuries, but I must admit I don't like the feeling of having to watch cash flow when these other families don't. That being said, I have never felt any of these women being b*tchy, or superior.

The feeling of "inferiority" manifests itself in much less obvious ways - for instance, the mums group who wanted to have lunch out, and planned to go to Nobu! Or the evening we all went out for supper, and I realised to my horror that the evening had cost in the region of 200 pounds with shared cabfare to/from, babysitter, meal/wine, cab fare home for the babysitter (we got home after tubes stopped running)! I can't afford to do that, and it's not pleasant to always decline invitations. The current dilemma - a new friend from dd's school has moved to another country and has asked us to visit in September - I am unclear if the invite includes an offer of staying at their flat (I know they don't have a guest room). If not, we may have to decline, and I feel awkward even bringing it up.

I have some concern that dd's vision of "what the world is like" is likely to be highly unrealistic given how her contemporaries live. It's not the real world at all. That is one of the reasons I wonder if I should move her to a different school where we "fit in" better. I must say that I think the problem is mine because no one has made me feel self conscious, but it's not a nice feeling. And it's an issue for me.

Tutter · 18/07/2006 12:00

she's either very mean or very insensitive. or both.

i am fortunate and have significantly more disposable income than most of my friends. it is something i always have to keep in mind as i know that money - or the lack of it - looms large in their lives. i worry about throwaway comments about clothes i may have bought / a holiday i'm planning / etc.

it also means that when we go out i always plan for the lowest common denominator in terms of affordability. i don't suggest places where i'd go with dh to eat or stay overnight.

i still worry though. we went out the other night and were celebrating something. i'd had a drink or two and bought champagne for everybody. i did it because i wanted us all to have champagne, but i feel now that it might have been seen as brash.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 19/07/2006 17:46

Earlybird - how about getting your DD involved in activities outside school with children from different schools?

Expectantmum · 19/07/2006 17:50

I would rather be skint and happy, than have money and be miserable. I have friends who have more money than us and have a bigger house etc, but then I think they are also in alot more debt than us. She is just about to have a baby and has told me she can only take 3 months off maternity leave because she is the main breadwinner and can't afford to be off any longer, so appearances can be deceptive I guess

riab · 19/07/2006 18:58

The disparity in income wouldn't bother me too much but the comment would!

however it can cause a few issues, we have friends who are considerably better off than us especially now we have littleun. We're going out to ladies day at the local races and I was asked to go shopping with her for dresses, it was awkward figuring out how to say - I can't afford new shoes let alone a new dress and frankly I'm struggling to work out how to make my 4 yr old dress work for me on the day.
(she's planning on spending upwards of £500)

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 19/07/2006 19:04

It doesn't bother me at all.......however a comment like certainly would!

MaloryTowers · 19/07/2006 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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