So if there really ARE cliques at the school gate and some mothers ARE snobby, what on earth do they judge people on?

[Enid]

I've always thought the idea of cliques was a bit of a nonsense and I am prepared to believe this could be me being slightly paranoid...but I went on dd2's nursery trip out yesterday (to the Sea Life Centre - SOOOOOOOOOOOO nice in the pouring rain ). Dd2 really likes three particular girls and they play nicely at nursery together, but the mothers...were unfriendly to the point of rudeness, cutting me dead and even walking off at one point when I was in the middle of talking to one of them. Dd2 asked if one of them could come to our house to play and I said yes of course, but we will have to ask her mummy - the little girl went to her mum, asked, and came away in tears. 'She's not allowed to play at my house' said dd2 looking mortified.

When I talked to a mum-friend about this she said 'oh so and so is very snobby, she only lets her dd play with my ds now she knows that my dh comes from a well-known family'.

So what am I??? Chopped liver?? How on earth do people come to the conclusion that you are not quite 'good enough' or is this all a figment of my post-baby brain?

Nail on head I think Enid. I noticed a froideur between one stalwart matron of the school gates and the rest of the friendly-enough mob who were at ds' party the other week. Turns out said matron is jumping ship at the end of term, for the utterly good reason that she has had 3 dds as it turns out, and can now commit to sending them to a lovely all girls' school 2 mins walk from her house instead of hacking through SE London traffic for half an hour. It was almost as though they were thinking..."no point in bothering with little X for a summer playdate then".
People do become very calculating about their children's social lives if they think the family may not be around for much longer. I think that happens everywhere though, not just in the private sector. I have seen it at our nursery too

so do I send dd2 to the 'feeder' nursery for her primary even though I don't like the woman that runs it? hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I would if the kids seem happy

is she the sort of woman who is terrible with adults but good with kids?

Is it a good nursery?

I am leaving dd in her nursery for one day and she's doing 4 mornings at preschool. Predict I'll be on the floor by Xmas juggling work and a three hour pre-school day though. But it's only for a year.

i think you're right marina. and maybe the wohm's don't simply have the energy to be that calculating about their offspring's playdates

I actually think your 'mum friend' has orchestrated alot of this insecurity and placed doubts in your mind that simply may not exist. There may have been a genuine reason as to why the child couldn't play with your dd, and your friend has simply got out the wooden spoon and made comments that were really not necessary except perhaps to feed her own ego. I would just ask the woman yourself, parents don't often respond to childrens invites as they feel awkward etc and don't know if they are genuine or child made IYKWIM. Anyway good luck with it all

"I would just ask the woman yourself, parents don't often respond to childrens invites as they feel awkward etc and don't know if they are genuine or child made IYKWIM"

That is a good point. I never take them that seriously but I would at least, in the other mum's position I mean, follow it up and check that it was meant. Not just dismiss it.

did you ring enid?

it will be because you are moving school (or not going to the same school later). inexcuseably rude, and I wouldn't have BELIEVED people can be like this, but I have a v good friend who is an army wife and who has been at our school for 3 years. She is moving to the next posting this summer - this has been known for most of this academic year. Her son (Y3 and one of the nicest boys there, gets on with all the others) hasn't been invited to a SINGLE birthday party this year. And his BEST FRIEND said to him "I'm really sorry you can't come to my ice skating party but Mum says I can only take 5 people and since you are leaving I should ask someone else". I couldn't believe it when she told me. People really do think like that (horrible people, obviously)