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Original poster

Single moms of 3 or more..... How do you cope ????

31 replies

nutcracker · 09/02/2004 20:26

As you may already know from other threads, i have not been happy with my dp for ages now. I have tried to convince myself that it will work and that i just have to work at it but i'm kidding myself. I don't love him and haven't been so miserable for a long time.
The main reason i haven't kicked him out yet is because i'm not sure i could cope with my 3 kids on my own (they are 6,4 and 1). I don't work and don't think i'd cope very well on the benefits i' get. I went on a site for income support and worked out that i'd get about 170 a week, but does that include child benefit ??
In alot of ways i think i'd be alot happier if he weren't here so hopefully this would be reflected in my kids and the rest of our lives but i just don't know. I feel like such a coward for not just telling him to go but i'm scared .

OP posts:
Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 20:42

Oh, no one then

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josiejump · 09/02/2004 20:50

Sorry I can't help with the financial questions, or even the whole single mum thing ( altho' I do sometimes feel like a single mum to my 3 ( 5 yo twins and 2 yo ) since dh works long hours away from home a lot), but I am sure that you would cope and in the long run you would be so much happier. It must be very scary, but I think that deep down you know what you must do. Have you got close friends/family who could help you out?

Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 20:54

My mom lives across the road (well at the mo anyway) and i have people that would help i think. I just know that he would make it as difficult as he could for me.

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lilibet · 09/02/2004 20:54

No that doesn't include child benefit. I was on my own with my three for about 12 months before dp became a permanent fixture. Yes, it was hard but, it was easier than my life before.
I don't know how much of an an input your dp has in your childrens lives but to live with mine it was impossible to enforce any type of rules and structure as he doesn't beleive in washing/teech cleaning/homework/bedtimes!!
Once I was on my own life was easier as the children had set bedtimes, knew my routines (no tv before you're ready in a morning whereas he just put it on!) and in no time at all seemed more settled.
the hard bit was loosing the built in childminder !! My mum isn't in a position where she can babysit and although I could never make plans before as I didn't know when he would be in or out, I could wait till he was sat in front of the tv with a few cans at the side of him and go out. and if thats the worst thing I can think of about being on my own it hasn't been bad at all.
I did really struggle financially as I still had to pay half the mortgage and all the rent on my house, but it was still better than the life I had before.

stupidgirl · 09/02/2004 20:59

I don't think the £170 includes child benefit, as that is completely separate, but don't quote me.

I've got 2, but I've been on my own with them from the start. It does have tough moments, but it is worth it. I wouldn't change anything - well, I would, but not about the single bit

I have read some of the stuff about your dp. You have to get out nutty. You are too young to spend the rest of your life miserable. Where do you want to be 5 years from now????

You can cope and you will cope. Please make this break, for all of you. If you want to mail me offlist then please do. Not sure how much help I can be, but I will try

Festivefly · 09/02/2004 21:02

Child benefit is seperate, my friend is a single mum of five kids and copes well

Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:04

So i would get the 170 a week (i hope thats right) and 150 a month child benefit then, which is aboput 1014 a month i think. I wouldn't have to pay rent or council tax so my oputgoings would be about ???

  • Food - 300
  • Electric - 40
  • Water - 30
  • Phone - 35
  • internet - 16
  • DD's nursery - 68

Have i missed anything out ?? I usually do.

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Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:06

Thanx Stupidgirl, i know it's right but i'm just finding it so hard to do it. I can't make him leave until the end of the month as he does't have any money (i know it's true cos i spent it).

Blimey FF - 5 kids

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lilibet · 09/02/2004 21:06

rates/water rates/insurance for buildings and conents/ gas?

Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:13

Don't have bulidings insurance (it's H/A) and no contents insurance at the mo but should really i know. We don't have gas either, the heating and hot water is included in the service charge which is a fiver a week i think.

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lilibet · 09/02/2004 21:15

general spends?
5 of us manage on £70 per week for food adn that includes wine

Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:17

I was budgeting for 75, including wine. Looking at it i think i could manage and perhaps even put some money up for saving ???? I would need to save for birthdays and xmas as my kids birthdays are november and december.

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lilibet · 09/02/2004 21:20

mine are May, November and december and dp is Decmeber - don't we have crap timing??!!

marthamoo · 09/02/2004 21:20

Nutty, would he go if you asked him to?

Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:23

I'm not sure MM. I have asked him to go before and he's always made me feel guilty about it and i've changed my mind. I would be very concerned about my eldest dd's reaction as she is very close to her dad, but on the other hand i think not having him here would improve my relationship with her as we don't get on to well.

I haven't forgotten your thomas stuff mm. Have got to get some bubble wrap to wrap it in.

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Original poster
nutcracker · 09/02/2004 21:26

Sorry, i will have to go, he's just got out of the bath and i don't want him catching me at it IYKWIM. Will post more tommorow. Thanx everyone, really appreciate the advice

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lilibet · 09/02/2004 21:26

my ex refused to go and we had a nisi thru'!
I had to leave and it ws no where near as traumatic as I thought it would be.

marthamoo · 09/02/2004 21:27

Nutty, don't worry about the Thomas stuff - it's fine (ds2 is stil eating!!) I'm more worried about you, hon, take care xx

fairydust · 09/02/2004 21:33

nut u put £68.00 for nursery fee - do u mind me asking what these are for???

Loobie · 09/02/2004 22:20

And remember you wont spend as much on food if he is gone as you wont be feeding him too.I am a single mum of three 8 5 and 15mths,my 8 year old is autistic and i asked my ex p to leave when i was 5 months pregnant with the baby and i am still here today to talk to you.Lilibet hit the nail on the head when she said about life being easier on your own in some ways.I dont have anyone to answer to when i want to do anything even down to decorating the house.You will be surprised how your family rally and help,my mum has been a lot better than i ever thought she would be and my dad has been a life saver,literally at times.
I get £222 a week in benefits but £40 of that is because i have a disabled child,you will also get a milk token for each child under the age of 5 which entitles you to cow milk or baby formula and any children at school will be entitled to free meals.I dont pay any rent, i also live in a h/a house,i pay about £8 council tax a month.If you dont feel able to cope at home all the time on benefits you could do voluntary work.
I must admit that almost from the day he left my kids happier and were'nt really affected by the separation at all,please feel free to contact me by e mail through contact a talker and ii will be glad to help you in any way i can. xxxx

MeanBean · 09/02/2004 22:23

What about transport? Do you run a car? If so, build in expenses around that (sudden bills for £400 or so are not unknown...) If not, how will you manage days out with the kids (lifesaving when you're feeling trapped and alone - you need to get out and about with them to enjoy their company and get the pleasure of being with them, not just the work). Build in a treats budget (even if it means cutting down on food), because they're not luxuries, they're necessities - they make you remember why it's worthwhile giving up stuff for your kids.

stupidgirl · 09/02/2004 22:30

There is talk that the milk token scheme is going to be extended to include other food too. Don't know if that will ever happen, but it would be so much easier. I am entitled to 14 pints of milk a week (I think) - I don't drink milk, dd (up until 2 days ago...) doesn't drink milk, so we get through about 3 pints a week - if that. It just winds me up. It would be so much better for me if I could spend it on fruit and veg or whatever.

Anyway, rant over. Do you have a car which you need to budget for? Insurance? TV licence? New shoes/clothing?

I know mumsnet is fab, but have you ever visited the UKparents forums? There is a families on a budget forum which will offer lots of advice and ideas to work out and plan your budget.

Best wishes xxx

spacemonkey · 09/02/2004 23:10

I was on my own with dd and ds for about 3 years and a lot of that time was on income support. It was pretty tough to cope financially, but it is possible and far preferable to being in a crap relationship that's making you unhappy (IMO). When the kids got a bit older I was able to get a job and put ourselves in a better position financially.

I can totally understand how scared you must feel at the prospect of it nutty. It will help if you have family and friends nearby to rally round - but even if not (I didn't have any family nearby and only one or two friends in the area who had kids) it is still possible to get through it and have a happier life. And of course there's mumsnet! (Not being flippant - I would've coped a lot better if I'd had MN in those days.)

GOOD LUCK nutty X

Original poster
nutcracker · 10/02/2004 09:53

Thanx for all of the advice. I think i'd go mad with out mn.
FD - The nursery fees are for dd2. She attends a nursery on the same site as dd1's school but it's not a state nursery. She gets the nursery grant, which is about 2 days free and then i pay for her to go an extra day and for her lunch, swimming, squash e.t.c. She only started the extra day in January cos i think she really needed it (and i did, she can be very hard work). Anyway she starts school in september so i won't be paying anything then.

One thing i forgot, was my loan repayment, which is about 88 a month.

I'm still a bit confused as to wether the 170 includes child benefit or not. It didn't say that it does on the income suport website, i don't think. If it does include it then i don't think i could manage.

I don't drive at the mo but would love to. The problem is too that i bought our family car. It's not worth much, about 1200, but if i keep it then dp won't have anything to pick the kids up in and he will use that as an excuse not to see them, or to come and see them here. But there isn't really any point in me keeping it either.
I was going to suggest that we sold it and split the money, so that he can buy a very cheap run around and i could put my half in to an acount to save for a car of my own.

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spacemonkey · 10/02/2004 10:14

nutty, i'm sure the £170 figure doesn't include CB - why don't you give the benefits agency a quick call, they would be able to answer that one straight away. Or go to the local CAB? I'll see if I can find out and will post again if I get any more info.

As for running a car, I found that was the one thing that I really could not afford, but I had to because we had been rehoused 10 miles away from the kids' schools in a rural area.

The other thing to bear in mind is that when you're on state benefits, any child support paid by your H via the CSA effectively goes straight to the government to offset your benefit payments. This was the case when I was on benefits - it may have changed since then, so do be sure to check this!