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Original poster

Would you take a 4 yrear old and a 2 year old to a funeral?

46 replies

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:00

Its my nans funeral tommorrow and im stuck for child care. My family is all going, mil & fil are working, Sil is 38w weeks pg with 2 other young children of her own so I dont think it would be fair to ask her. My friend is in college all day and my other friend is on holiday. So am stuck!

Its a burial with an open coffin at the service.

The boys are 2 and 4.

Would you take them? Alternativily I could ask dh to stay home with them instead of coming to the funeral with me.

What do you think is the best thing to do?

OP posts:
tortoise · 05/06/2006 18:02

Id leave them at home with dh.Think they are to young to go.

Frenchgirl · 05/06/2006 18:02

I would ask dh to stay home with them tbh
would you be ok going on your own?

saltire · 05/06/2006 18:03

I'm with tortoise, i'd leave them at home

brimfull · 05/06/2006 18:03

I would leave at home with dh.

GDGwithacraptan · 05/06/2006 18:03

No, I'd leave them with dh.

Pruni · 05/06/2006 18:04

Definitely leave them at home.
My grandfather dies last year and I toyed with the idea of taking ds, and am so glad I didn't. It's so not a kid thing.
Sorry about your nan. xxP

pedilia · 05/06/2006 18:04

I would also ask DH to stay at home, they are a bit young and are very unlikely to want to sit still throughout the service.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:05

I think I would be ok to go on my own although the idea of an open coffin freaks me out tbh - but I'll just look in the other direction.

I absolutly hate funerals (although i guess no one likes them!) cause i get the urge to laugh all the way through - nerves i think. Also have no idea how to deal with upset family. Am considering using the kids to get myself out of going but i know that would be wrong for alot of reasons.

If dh stays home with the kids - do you think it would be alright for them to come to the after bit (the tea and sandwiches part)

OP posts:
Aero · 05/06/2006 18:05

I think I would leave them at home with dh tbh. They don't really need to be there and if your 2yo is anything like mine, it could be quite stressful for you in a time of sadness. If dh doesn't mind staying home with them, then that would be what I would suggest. Presumably you will have family members there to lean on for support if you need it and you can grieve with them in relative peace.

brimfull · 05/06/2006 18:06

yes they'd lighten the mood at the after bit ...good idea imo

KristinaM · 05/06/2006 18:08

open coffin and burial are a bit traumatic. I woudl def not take them. Though have taken DD ( then aged 5) to a memorial service. But it was a closer relative and no coffin etc and she wanted to be part of it. she didnt go to the crematorium

Aero · 05/06/2006 18:09

Yes, of course it would be ok to bring along afterwards. People will probably be happy to see them, and they are family after all.

Sorry for your loss.

DumbledoresGirl · 05/06/2006 18:10

I took my boys, then aged 22 months and 4 months to my grandmother's funeral. It never occurred to me not to. They were fine and in a way it was rather nice for the congregation to see them: firstly my wider family - it kind of illustrated that although one generation had now died, another was starting - and secondly, all my grandmother's friends and neighbours were delighted to meet the little boys my grandmother had been telling them about so much.

sparkler1 · 05/06/2006 18:10

I took my two dds to dh's grandad's funeral a couple of years ago. They were 5 and 3 at the time. We took them because MIL said that she would like them to be there and that grandad would have liked to have them around. I didn't mind taking them either. DD2 was too young to understand what was going on but we tried to explain to dd1 (who is quite a bright spark anyway) what the day would entail. They were both very good but dd2 did walk around whilst the service took place, everyone was fine with this because it was "what he would have wanted".
It wasn't an open coffin at this service though, I may have had my doubts if it was.

KristinaM · 05/06/2006 18:11

yes to tea and sandwiches bit.

re upset relatives, just shake hands / hug and nod sympathetically to whatever they say. no one expects you to say anything profound - just stuff like " lovely service" or she was a lovely person" ect ect

i knwo its hard but its part of the whole ritual of grieving in our culture and it helps to be part of it

madmarchhare · 05/06/2006 18:12

Sorry about your Nan. I too would leave them with your DH.

saltire · 05/06/2006 18:13

I meant to add, when my aunt died almost 3 years ago, my Ds were six and four. DH stayed at cousins house with them for the service and then brought them along afterwards to teh hotel for the tea nad sandwiches bit. My uncle was delighted to see them and they helped lighten the afternoon for everyone.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:14

Re the hugging thing - No one in my family (including my mom) has ever hugged me! I think the idea of all that emotion scares me tbh.

Thanks for all the sorrys, but she was really old and ill and slightly mad, so it is for the best really.

So everyone is agreed not to take the kids then but to take them to the after bit. Thank you :)

OP posts:
2shoes · 05/06/2006 18:18

hope all goes well.
I hate funerals. have one pending(terminal illness) ds has already said he will be going he is 14 so will ask the family at the time.

zippitippitoes · 05/06/2006 18:25

The coffin will be raised up so they won't see anything..I would take them but try to sit in a position where dh can take them out during the service if necessary.

They will be welcome at the tea after I'm sure.

Some services can be very long though, is it a CE service..Catholic ones can be long.

I hope it goes well.

Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:40

Yup, its a full Catholic service at the Friary and then off to somewhere else for the burial.

My moms just phoned and said they had all been to the friary to welcome the coffin etc... the whole bloody family was there... and me?? Well I wasnt even told about it Angry (not that id have really wanted to be there, but I am family after all!)

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:41

And now that im thinking about it... The night that she was really ill, she was given the last rites and the family all went to see her... was I told??? errr no! It was mentioned in passing to me late on the night to I arranged to go first thing in the morning to see her - but it was too late! They had all had there chance to say goodbye and I wasnt even thought of grrrr

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 05/06/2006 18:44

It may be long then especially if she was well known..are there many eulogies

We went to dp aunt funeral in the autumn and she had a singer both at the church and the crematorium and the first service was about an hour and a half and then another 45 mins inside the crematorium..niece went aged 3 and she was taken out part way through the first and came to the tea/wake/booze up

LeahE · 05/06/2006 18:47

I would take them but have a backup plan for your DH to take them outside to run around for a bit if it gets too much for them. But then children have always gone to funerals in our family.

sunnydelight · 05/06/2006 18:48

Leave them at home. I saw my first ever "open casket" in my late thirties and it has freaked me out forever to the extent that when my mum died I told my dad that if the coffin was open I wasn't going to the funeral. Full on Catholic funerals are not for the faint hearted and certainly not for children (and that's from a Catholic)! I'm really sorry for your loss though.