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Original poster

Would you take a 4 yrear old and a 2 year old to a funeral?

46 replies

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 18:00

Its my nans funeral tommorrow and im stuck for child care. My family is all going, mil & fil are working, Sil is 38w weeks pg with 2 other young children of her own so I dont think it would be fair to ask her. My friend is in college all day and my other friend is on holiday. So am stuck!

Its a burial with an open coffin at the service.

The boys are 2 and 4.

Would you take them? Alternativily I could ask dh to stay home with them instead of coming to the funeral with me.

What do you think is the best thing to do?

OP posts:

jollymum · 05/06/2006 18:57

Sorry about your nan-IMHO I think they're too little to take. You must be near to me, is it Olton Friary?

Gem13 · 05/06/2006 19:02

I would leave them with DH too.

My neice and nephew (5 and 3) came to the bit afterwards which was held at my great aunt's house (the one who died) and one of them said very loudly 'Why is X's house now a pub?' (people obviously drinking wine). It did lighten the mood!

sparklemagic · 05/06/2006 19:03

I didn't take my 3 yr old DS to his grt grandad's funeral last year. People he knows well were upset and crying, and I think this is too disturbing to see at this age. He needs to know that we adults are strong and in control and to see us the opposite would have been a blow to his feeling of security I feel.

And to see a box with his great grandad in it, being lowered into a hole in the ground - way, way too much for his little mind to handle.

Also, most of the service would have been very boring for him!

Original poster

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 19:04

JollyMom - yes its Olton Friary

OP posts:

sparklemagic · 05/06/2006 19:07

sorry tamba, meant to answer your OP - I would definitely leave them with your DH, particularly in view of it being an open casket.

You may feel you have a better chance to say goodbye to your nan and talk to people better if you are child free, too.

Sorry you have lost your nan x

LucyCampCat · 05/06/2006 19:23

We are also at a funeral tomorrow (dh's gran) and are lucky enough to be able to leave the dd's at my mums, they are just 6 and 3. They accepted the fact that Great Gran has died but it would be seeing their Gran so upset that concerned me. I hope it goes smoothly for you tomorrow Tamba and I agree, dh at home with them is the best solution.

fisil · 05/06/2006 19:28

I'd take them. Ds1 was 18 months at my grandad's funeral. He processed into the church with the rest of us behind the coffin and sat in the funeral car and came into the chapel at the crem. He also went to my great aunt's earlier this year when he was 3 and got a lot out of it.

HarpsichordCarrier · 05/06/2006 19:32

I'd take them too Tamba. esp if you have your dh with you, then one of them can take them out if they get too rowdy.
I am of the death is part of life school though. I think it is important for children to observe our cultural rituals.
good for other people to see children there too. a great comfort
sorry for your loss Tamba

ruty · 05/06/2006 19:41

i think you have to think what your nan would want. We took 21 month old ds to our adopted grandmother's funeral on Saturday, because I know she would have wanted him there. there was another toddler there and they both played at the back of the church with some toys that were there. We also took him to her woodland burial today - stunning spot - and he rode around on his tricycle in the field while we had a blessing. It was very nice actually, and I know she would have been pleased.

manitz · 05/06/2006 20:20

dpends what your family are like. I wld take them but we are all happy at funerals on the whole and within reason, it's the only time we see our extended family and everyone has a catch up and remembers whoever it is that's died.

i like open coffins as I have trouble knowing it's real unless i've seen the person dead, helps the grieving process imo.

Mirage · 05/06/2006 20:35

I took the dd's who are 1 & 2.9 to their grandads funeral last week.It was a burial,but closed casket.I wanted them to go as he loved them so much & they loved him.I explained to dd1 that poorly grandad wasn't poorly anymore & that he had died & she seemed quite happy with this explanation.She sprinkled some soil on the coffin along with everyone else & seemed to be very matter of fact about the whole thing.

We go to the graveyard where my grandparents are buried a couple of times a week,so I expained that we could go & see grandad whenever we visit (we live a fair way away) & take flowers like we do at her great grandparents grave.

Death is a part of life & I didn't want to try & hide it from her.

sparklemagic · 05/06/2006 20:45

I totally see that other people have a different view and think taking kids to funerals is fine (I think it's far more usual in some other cultures) but I don't agree Ruty that Tamba has to think what her nan would want. It should be about the child's needs, and whether it's something they will cope with and you want to involve them in, not what an adult would want. The child must come first.

ruty · 05/06/2006 21:01

well i was not suggesting you don't think about what the child would want of course. I was just sharing my own experience of something that was very hard for us recently to go through and how we coped with it.

ruty · 05/06/2006 21:02

that was a bit hurtful actually sparklemagic.

Blandmum · 05/06/2006 21:06

My dd was 6 months old when I took her to my fathers funeral. I had no-one to look after her, as all my family and friends were at the funeral too. It was a help, I think, for the rest of the mourners to see a youbge baby therem to remember that for life to happen there must also be death. I couldn't have coped with it without her, if I am honest.

She was part of the family and the family was there to see my father's passing.

The minister commented on how amazing she was, soaking everything up, and behaving angelicaly.

ruty · 05/06/2006 21:07

perhaps i didn't make myself clear. I didn't mean you should take your children regardless of what they want just because your nan would want it, what i meant was for me, i was worried about ds making a noise and upsetting some people, but then i thought my adopted grandmother would like him to be there and never minded little children in church, so i took him. there was no open casket, and he was at an age where it washed over him. It may be different with older children, so sorry if my advice was useless.

Original poster

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 05/06/2006 21:10

I appreciate all your advice :)

sorry about your gran Ruty :( but its nice that you had a good day (or as good as it could have been) to remember her.

OP posts:

ruty · 05/06/2006 21:15

thanks Tamba. hope all goes ok for you.

plummymummy · 05/06/2006 21:23

It depends on your children. If they are sensitive and likely to get upset then prob best not to. On the other hand if they were close to her, they might prefer to go to say goodbye etc. Do what feels best instinctively.

sparklemagic · 05/06/2006 21:26

ruty, very sorry if my post upset you. And I should have said that I am sorry you lost your adopted gran

It's just that sometimes on here I guess we have things in our heads that are not down in our posts - you made no mention at all of the needs of the child, only of the adult, so this is what I was going on.

Apologies again though - didn't mean to upset.

ruty · 05/06/2006 21:43

i'm a bit over sensitive today sparklemagic, it all happened today and I'm still feeling a bit raw. But you're right, I didn't make myself too clear.

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