Judge me.

[ggglimpopo]

Feeling generally shit at the moment - dd1 is a whole thread in itself with her teen angst and passive aggressive crap, then have dd2 who is failing at school, dd3 who the teacher describes as "precocious" and dh in a foul mood this morning.

I stupidly decided to take dd4 and do a full weekly shop on a Friday morning. I had a heaving trolley at the check out, as did the woman in front of me, who was half way through bagging her stuff. I realised that I was going to be late picking up the little ones and would have to leave the shopping in the car when I collected them. It is hot here today. I pushed dd4 in the trolley, safely strapped in (with my straps, French supermarkets have none) and when she was level with the woman at the till, said that I needed freezer bags and I was going to leave dd strapped in next to her and run back and get some.

She shouted "Madame, YOU WILL NOT LEAVE YOUR POOR BABY NOR YOUR HANDBAG HERE" And then tutted. Everyone turned round to look at the child abuser that was giong to leave her 17 month old alone and at risk in the supermarket. The people at the till next to me started whispering how irresponsible people are. I had to stand there for hours whilst the person in fronts stuff went through, then mine, with the pursed lips of the bitch woman at the till saying it all.

I was late for the children and had ameeting with ds1's teacher, who told me that in her opinion he was immature and struggling and should stay down a year. I burst into tears.

So judge me. What the f*ck am I doing?

Walrus, no worries. Am stressed out here and you were an easy target
Frenchgirl - it is going to be hot so will go to Arcachon

Thank you all for the hugs and support.

I am off to resign now.... hope they do aperitifs!

Oh, GGG Hope today was better for you - what a shitty day No judging here (and boy, can I judge! ) - except of vile snooty checkout girl.

Can I just peek in and quietly say that your kids have been through a lot GGG. I know that I have no experience with teens and I may come across as a bit soft, but they've put up with more things that most people deal with in a lifetime!

Isn't there an easier way of dealing with this?

But I DO agree that checkout girl and woman were salopes!

Rhubarb - you are right. Which is why my only way to go now is to seek professional, third party help. I can no longer deal with this. Fwiw, I actually think that her past exacerbates the situation, but think she would have been a rebellious teenager, no matter what.

She needs help and so do we.

dont know what the history is but seeing as you have a DSS of a similar age im guessing it involves a divorce of sme kind.

i think (having seen a few posts about how frustrated you are at the situation with dd you are) you are definalty doing the right thing by calling in some outside help.
I dont know what sort of support mechanisms they have over in France but im sure there will be some sort of counselling or group thats he can join to discuss her feelings. it may be a bit difficult for her to agree to do anything though at first.

she is at that stage where she feels her behaviour is perfectly acceptable and so wont see the need for intervention.
but stickl with it. the social worker will probably referr you to the youth offending team (or atleast i would) and please dont think thati say that because i think she is a criminal!!!
its just that they have some veyr spectacular workers there (can you guess what feild i worked now?? lol) who have some veruy sneaky ways of opening kids up.

it will seem like she is almost treated for being a pain in the bum...you knw trips to do canoeing etc but al the while she is there there are workes who are talking to her and she will slowly buts urely be letting info slip that she doesnt even realise.

then when they have her trust will trya dn speak to her directly about her feelings.

its a long hard slog but i think you arealready fighting such a huge wall of anger that i reckon you will be ready for the fight.

dont ever feel that this has anythign to do with you or your parenting. i have seen you about these boards enough to know your a fantastic mum who cares deeply for her children...even the ones she'd rather lock away till they turn 35 lol

I'll call you ggg.

Hi ggg. I did post on your other thread but I don't know if you've seen it. If you need someone who will understand, call on me!

Hope you're having a better day. FWIW I would let Janh have a go with her. I know you don't want anyone else to have the abuse you're putting up with but I could almost guarantee she won't do it to Janh. You need a break.

how are things today??

Forgot to transfer money over at the end of last month, so bank card flipped today, highly embarrassing at checkpoint queue. Other than that, been out at fab very boho thing that the French do so well all afternoon (ended up in first aid tent with dd4, but nothing broken and she will live) and am out tonight with friends and beach tomorrow, so life goes on....

On dd front, she is making an effort, but have just had long talk with her and told her that I simply cannot go on with all the crap and that we are getting outside help and that that is that. I felt bad saying it when she is being almost nice, but then I think of my dh's phone, all the hassle, my clothes, money, make up, phoning the police etc etc and I cannot back down.

I did point out that this time last year she had a lovely bedroom, phone,money, tv, computer access, the works - and through her own behaviour she has blown all that.

Did I say that when she came rolling in the other night, the moment I went out, to the meeting where I should have resigned but didnt have the heart, she raided the freezer big time and ate half the stuff I had bought for ds's birthday supper?

So that's where you've been today huh? I do think her behaviour is fairly typical of a teenager though, dare I say! When dh was 17 he was going out most weekends and getting pissed, he was going to a nightclub from the age of 15, he took drugs, he held parties when his parents were away and they would return to burnt out tractors and cars in ditches - that's what I call a problem teen! Even I used to go out at 17 with Custy and we'd get ratted at some pub near her house that let under age drinkers in. Mind you, I was terrified of my mum do I didn't do anything really rebellious, I regret that now though!

Could it also be the 'large family syndrome'? Both dh and I come from large families and both of us felt overlooked at times, particularly when younger siblings were concerned. Dh says he felt quite jealous of his youngest brother who was the 'baby' of the family and his mother's favourite. I was jealous of all the foster children my mother took in and the fact that she treated them more like her own children than she did me! I tried to get her attention by doing things to please her, picking flowers, writing her letters, etc, dh went rebellious.

It's so tough and I really hope that you can sort something out. If she can only open up and get talking to you. But it seems like a cycle of bad behaviour and punishments doesn't it?

I too think that perhaps a week at Janh's could do her some good. It gets her away from you and gives her space that she obviously needs, and it gives you a break too. And I'm pretty sure that she'll be as good as gold for Janh - they always are!

she is welcome with me to ggg.

How are you today? Been thinking about you! I thought how hard it must be from your position, you must be torn in different directions all the time! Your dh has a lot on his plate and probably needs you there as his wife and confidante, etc, the older kids will have different needs from you and the younger kids are also scrabbling about for your attention - so when do you get time to be you? I also think that perhaps you take on too much? You are always having other kids over, caring for other children as well as your own, you seem to have a problem saying no!

I know you don't want to hear that dd1s behaviour is typical teenage behaviour because that doesn't actually help you at all. What might be bearable for someone else is not bearable for you because of all the other stresses you have in your life.

I hope things are improving at home, and would you like to come for lunch this weekend?

I dunno Rhubarb. She is not a typical teen - she is very blatent (most teenagers are far more discreet!) and she goes too far. Not the getting pissed crap, but the out and out taking everything and bothering to replace/hide what she has done.

As for me, dunno again. I sort of lead the life of Riley - yes, I have lots of children, but I am a sahm, I write, socialise with friends and/or dh, shop (and we are not talking groceries), eat out often, go to the theatre, arty jobs, cinema as I wish....

We havce had a crap time in the past. Things are so good now. Which is why I feel so sad for her that her life is falling apart.

I am sorry but I can't do this weekend. Ds's birthday on Saturday and we are out Sunday.

gggl, would you (and she?) like her to come over here for a bit in the summer? We would love to have her (and as others have said I'm sure she will be a model guest ) - would give you both a break from each other etc etc.

DSS also welcome but no contacts for a job

DS1 will be away for most of July and working fulltime (erecting marquees nationwide) in August if that makes any difference...