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Original poster

How much should I ask for?? - want realistic amount girls.

34 replies

Twinkie · 04/02/2004 12:41

I have decided that I am going to either send the form off to the CSA without telling x2b or first tell him and see if he wants to be amicable and do it without contacting them (this I am afraid won't happen though - well I am pretty sure)

What I want to know is how much do you think is reasonable to ask for if we are going to do it amicably - I was thinking of about £60 - £70 per week - do you think this is too much?? He earns quite a lot of money - I would say about £50k a year and has DD every other weekend and half the holidays.

Also do I tell him I want extra for school uniform etc (she will be starting in Sept of this year) and other things that may come up - school trips and stuff and does he have to pay me for the weeks that he has her??

I am being pretty disillusioned thinking that he will hand anything over willingly - he will want to look like a great amicable parent but him having to give me money will cut him to the core - but I want to be able to say that I did not just send off the form tot he CSA but discussed it properly with him before going down this route.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 04/02/2004 12:52

Oooh, I have NO idea on this kind of thing but I am sure someone will. I would suggest him removing his left b**ck for now and then you will let him know what else you require. But you did ask for sensible replies.

Momof2 · 04/02/2004 12:56

I will be entirely honest with the amount we pay. We have Step DD every other weekend from Fri pm to Mon am and every wed pm to Thurs am. DP earns just over 20K and we pay £50 per week. We don't offer to pay towards the uniform, but I do buy extra for us to have for when she goes to school on the mornings with us, take it in turns to pay for school shoes, haircuts etc. We also pay for out of school clubs/activities when she is with us like sports lessons on Wed evening and Sun am.
DP's parents also collect her from school daily and look after her until she can be collected after work by her Mum/us so saving the childcare cost.
Dp and X have not involved the CSA as they were able to arrange all this amicably.

WideWebWitch · 04/02/2004 12:58

£70 is way too low imo! I get more than that for 1 ds (amicable though and no csa involved). Remember you can always go down but once it's agreed he won't be very likely to put it up so I'd ask for much more as a starting point. I think the csa rule is 15% of his net salary, but I could be wrong. My ex buys most of ds's clothes andmost of his shoes but he is lovely and like I said, it's amicable. What about calling the csa for advice?

Nicksie · 04/02/2004 12:58

Message withdrawn

marialuisa · 04/02/2004 13:15

Twinkie, £70 per week is far too little for someone earning £50k to contribute. My mum has always shared uniform costs 50/50, as for trips 50/50 on little trips at primary age. He should pay you for the weeks he has her as the money is to go towards more than just feeding her. It is to "put a roof over her head", something lots of exes seem to forget! check out what you think the CSA would tell him to pay before asking for anything.

Kayleigh · 04/02/2004 13:26

I'd find out what the CSA would expect him to pay and use this as a starting point.
For the weeks he has your dd maybe you could agree on him paying you half of what he usually does. After all you are still clothing her, getting her hair cut etc etc but obviously you wouldn't need to feed her for this time so maybe that would be fair.
And I would get anything he agrees to put in writing so you have proof if he ever goes back on your agreement (as if !!!).

Original poster
Twinkie · 04/02/2004 13:28

Well may ask for £100 a week - that just seems like a lot of money though - especially when she will be going to school in September.

Do you think it is wise to ask him first just to be nice - I do want to cut both his balls off OO (well actually never want to see the hairy little fu**ers again) but I should be more grown up and speak to him about it I think - he will get fleeced in the divorce anyway.

The CSA have some figures on their website but they are all for someone earning less than him and I can't be sure exactley how much he earns as some of it is made up of comission.

OP posts:
Nicksie · 04/02/2004 13:29

Message withdrawn

marialuisa · 04/02/2004 13:36

Twinkie, please don't take this the wrong way but just a thought: ultimately you have a very comfortable life and from what you have posted before you and your DP both earn good money. if you feel that you can afford to be "generous" and take less money from x2b for the sake of calm relations then maybe you should. It isn't as if you're a single mum struggling on benefit. However, do think about what would happen if you had another child and gave up work in the next couple of years, if DP was made redundant etc. I'm assuming your DP is happy for you to arrange things with x2b as you see fit.

Kayleigh · 04/02/2004 13:41

Twinkie, not sure if the CSA will take commission into account as it's not guaranteed income.

It would be a good way of showing willing to discuss it with him first. He has probably started to look into how much he would have to pay, maybe talking to guys at work in same position so a figure of say £100 pw shouldn't come as a shock to him.

kaz33 · 04/02/2004 13:54

By the way if he is earning £50K a year, that is nothing like £4000 take home a month, it would certainly be well under £3500. I earn substantially more than that and don't get £4K a month.

nutcracker · 04/02/2004 13:57

Do you work ???? If you do then you can make the arrangement between yourselves but if you don't then it has to be done through the C.S.A. I would contact them to be honest.

Nicksie · 04/02/2004 14:00

Message withdrawn

elena2 · 04/02/2004 14:09

Bloody hell Kaz33, what do you do for a job?!

Maybe I should think about a career change

eddm · 04/02/2004 14:10

Someone taking home around £3,000 a month should contribute far more than £450-odd pounds a month IMO. I'm on a bit less than your ex but would expect to pay more than the amount you quote if DH and I split up and he was the primary carer (not that I'm planning this, just a for instance)! I'd say at least £750 a month if not more like £1,000. After all, how much would he spend if you were still together?

WideWebWitch · 04/02/2004 14:11

marialuisa, do you know what twinkie's ex did to her and dd? I'm sure if you did you wouldn't be suggesting she was generous towards him. Quite the opposite probably.

Original poster
Twinkie · 04/02/2004 14:13

Marialuisa - it is all well and good saying that but DD is his child also and what if I split up with DP (heaven forbid) - me being nice to X2b - which he most certainly does not deserve - may mean that I can not afford a house and have no nest egg or savings to support DD. I also paid intot hat relationship and that marraige and that house for 7 years and I think that that counts for something don't you. I would also be in a good position to take some of his pension plus a bigger share of the equity for the house as I have residence of DD so me just wanting half of everything is not that bad.

Anyway a bit side tracked - have just rang him and asked him what he wanted to do - he said he would rather pay money into an account in DDs name and not give it to me then she could use it for the future!!

Think I am going to get nowhere fast - he also told me how much he earns which is about £20k less then it actually is so I think going through the CSA would be the best thing really - I will call them to see if they take into account commission (maybe they average it out over 6 months or so).

He has also offered me half of the equity on the house - nothing else - no pension or belongings or anything like that (considering he chucked me out with just a quilt and my clothes - years of spending had gone into getting furniture and everything else for that house GGRRR) and I am not sure whether that is a good deal or not - he would not offer me it out of the kindness of his heart - he must know what I am entitled to and this you think of a figure stuff just does nto wash with me really - thats what he said think of a figure (for both CM and divorce) and he would have a think about it.

God now I am even more confused????

OP posts:
Kayleigh · 04/02/2004 14:17

Looks like there isn't going to be an amicable way of doing this. I think you'll have to go through the CSA. That way your daughter will get what she is entitled to. Let's not forget he isn't giving this money to you, he is giving it to his daughter. And if he is already lying about his earnings you have got no chance.

Momof2 · 04/02/2004 14:38

Just a thought, and I am sure your solicitor would advise you, but I am sure DP's ex was advised to take an amount of money each month from DP for her - which was set at £1 per month - so that if anything happened - ie she lost her job, split with her DP or what have you, then she could go back to X and up the amount paid to her each month. Apparently if this is not set up then it is very difficult to get any maintanance payments retrospectively. Hope that makes sense.
Don't think paying into DD's account is a very good idea as the money is for you to help you provide an home for your DD

Bozza · 04/02/2004 15:07

Agree with going to the CSA given that response Twinkie. The money is for your DD's maintenance and it is at your discretion to spend as required now. If your Ex wants to set up an a/c for your DD's future on top of this thats up to him.

marialuisa · 04/02/2004 15:11

Twinkie, as I feared, you have misunderstood me. What I was trying to explain was whilst you may feel that you can afford to be generous and are desperate for a bit of peace from the man, you should consider what would happen if things went wrong!! That doesn't necessarily mean you splitting up with Dp but what if either of you was made redundant.

Anyway, from your last post it sounds as if he's being his usual self so play mean. his comment about the account in DD's name reminded me of my own father. As i posted earlier too many XH's think of the maintenance as money in the pocket of the loathed ex-wife and fail to recognise that the money is to put a roof over the kids' heads! TBH I think a savings account for DD is what any responsible parent who can afford it would be doing anyway.

Please read what I posted, i'm sorry if my meaning was unclear to you.

Original poster
Twinkie · 04/02/2004 15:14

Sorry - got the wrong end of the stick - he is such an arse - just realised he is trying to fob me off now without loads of stuff - we had an ISA and an endowment policy and then there is the contents of the house and loads of other stuff.

Please all you divorced women on here post on my divorce thread and tell me what I am entitled too - my solicitor is out of the office at the moment and I want to be able to go back to x2b with a reasonable demand - he doesn't want to go through court for the divorce either (although obviously it is inevitable to make it all legal) but he does not want to fight for ages like he has over DD!!

OP posts:
Blu · 04/02/2004 15:35

Don't have anything to do with him putting child maintenance money into an account in your DD's name, especially if opened by him, as he can just get it out at any time before she is 16. As others have said, if he wants to do that in addition, so be it.

jmg · 04/02/2004 15:42

Twinkie, irrespective of whether he wants to go through the courts or not for divorce, that is exactly what you should do. The courts will make an order based on his earnings and if he wants to vary this he will need to go back to court. This settlement will also take account of any assets of the marriage such as a house, savings etc.

It really serves you no purpose to try and settle this yourself. You will both be asked to make a proposal to court - but this will be based on the advice of your solicitor - and the court will ratify this if, and only if, it is seen as a fair settlement. Often these proposals are hammered out at a mediation meeting where you are represented by your solicitors or barristers (if there is big money involved).

Should the court believe that one party is behaving unfairly (or dishonestly - in declaring earnings) they take a very dim view of this and the settlement will invariably favour the person who is trying to be reasonable.

So stop worrying about this - contact your solicitor to get an interim financial order put inplace, pending the divorce proceedings and final court order of maintenance.
Do not attempt to sort this out yourself as you may muck up your chances of getting the best result for you and your dd.

Hope this all makes sense.

GenT · 04/02/2004 15:48

I have no idea of settlements, but one realistic way to look at a minimum amount is:

How much would it cost you to have someone feed, clothed and care for your child if you were unabled to. Remember it is at the standard you would give her.

£70 a week seems too little to me.