The joke is wearing thin

[wings]

Hi everyone, can you help?

A leading member of the school's PTA has got into the habit of making jokingly derogatory remarks to me about my sons or my partner. She does this in company, within earshot of other people. To give an example, I attended a christams party with my children and she asked where my husband was. (She knows him quite well at school). I don't like these types of direct questions, but I know that it is just this woman's way so I dodge out of answering them. So I just said he couldn't make it, but gave no reason (don't see why I have to justify myself) and quickly said 'well the rest of us are here, how is the party going? to change the subject.

Then right at the end of the evening, when I was with lots of other people, she said very loudly, "tell *** ( my dh) I'll be having words with him" I don't find this funny.

She is a self admitted bossy, outspoken person. People, including me will joke about it to he. She is always running up to parents and asking them to buy raffle tickets, come to the school panto, etc. I have no problem with that. She does a lot of work for the school. I do support a lot of the PTA efforts and help when I can. Lots of parents attend events and help less than me.

But in the last 6 months she has increasingly made what I consider to be personal remarks about me, in company, that show lack of respect.
I have never confided in her much, or indeed anyone at the school, so she hasn't got much information to go on. But I get the impression that the message behind her jokes is that I am really ineffectual. My children are both happy at the school and have no discipline problems - my oldest did for a while, but he is now fine and his behaviour doesn't stand out and he is getting on well with his work. It is not just me saying this, it is teachers, cub helpers, and other parents.

Yet still this PTA person persists in casting aspersions about them jokingly but publically, and will use any small reason to wade in and tell them off in front of me in group situations. I am happy for other peole to tell off my children, I hasten to add, but the way she does it comes with the strong implication that she knows best and I don't.For example, she'll say 'just leave them to me, I know how to sort them out'

I am not losing sleep over this, but I would love to get her off my back. My tactic so far is just igoring the implication and not rising to the bait by responding to her, but I would love to come up with a smart answer sometimes.

Ps I have changed my name for this posting, in case people at my son's school read this.

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This is interstings.... I had a friend who once made a very negative comment (obvioulsy she was upset) about what i said about her DS....

1. It never occured to me that what i was saying was negative at all
2. I never thought I was repeating it all the time.... yet she felt I was

So she and I had a very different perspective on the same events.... result is - she told me off (I had my ego bruised!) but it cleared the air.....

Maybe she doesn't realise how offended you are and maybe you are blowing some of these incidents out of proportion - at least from her point of view....

Dare I say it ... but is she a tad jealous of you? How are her kids getting on at school ? Are they less popular/bright than your kids ? Is her DH more "ineffectual" than your DH ?

I get the feeling that she likes to put you down ( ever so subtly ) just to make herself feel a bit better ?

I agree with Twiglett - I would have a short ( gentle ) word with her; but I wouldn't be so brave as to suggest a coffee - I'd say my piece and run

I know someone just like the person your talking about. She irritates the life out of me. Doesnt say anything that could be seen by anybody else to be offesive or ott but IS.
Id say its jealousy, does she fancy your hubby? Are your kids doing better than hers so she feels the need to run yours down. Slap her from me!!!
I swore id never go anywhere near the person i know again and havent. Its not worth the holding my breath and seething rage she creates inside me!
Cant help much since this is someone who you sort of have to mix with. Just keep ignoring maybe.

To be honest I think I'd say the sort of things she said eg "where's your husband" and "tell him I'll be having words with him". Seriously is that rude? I wouldn;t do it to offend though so if someone told me they were offended I'd be mortified and would stop doing it.

Maybe she thinks she's a better friend than she is. For example my 3 closest friends all maje jokes about each others children (and as 3 of this group of 4 have autistic children the jokes are often fairly rude!) but I wouldn't make a joke about someone's child if I didn't know them very well. Likewise I'm happy for my friends to joke about my kids, but not people I know less well. Sounds like a personality clash to me.

Oooh, this would get on my nerves! It really would. I bet she doesn't really know she's having this effect on you though - it sounds like part of her style, her way, and although it's very annoying and I'd be peed off too in your position, I bet she doesn't really mean any harm or think she's upsetting you. It sounds like she's just one of those bossy loud people and she just doesn't think too much before opening her mouth! I'd bring it up with her too I think, but I'd probably opt for a phone call as I'd find it easier. People do make assumptions about other people I think sometimes and think it's OK to joke about these assumptions (i.e. you're ditsy or ineffectual) but don't think you're upset about it unless you correct them. So I'd call her and say something like "I know you don't mean to upset me but I'd rather you didn't tell my sons off and actually, I'm not mad keen on the jokes about how dippy I am either. I do realise you probably don't mean to offend me but it did I'm afraid since I'm not actually dippy etc etc " Just read that back and it's a crap sentence so I'm sure you can think of a better way of putting it but hope ykwim I bet she apologises and says she didn't realise.

\i think you are over reacting really.

But cant you say " oh he is off wiht his other woman" or "why a re you so interested"?

This would annoy me too.
Funnily enough, a good friend of mine has just started making similar jokey comments about my age. She does it over and over - any innocent observation I make gets the reply 'it must be your age'.
Now, read that sentence over again and it's harmless. But have it repeated ad nauseum for weeks on end and it could drive you to a slap. It's definitle affecting the way I feel about her and it's making me stop saying things I had thought to comment on. That's not good. (and I don't give a toss about my age (I'm 39)!

As for how you deal with this, wings - I like jimjams comments. Or perhaps raise your eyebrows and shake your head at the nearest friendly parent - she should them pick up on the fact that she's an annoying customer.

I've had a similar thing from one of the Mums my DS1 was at playgroup with, if she ever saw me in the town and I had bought anything she would ask what I had bought, one time it was a Bob the Builder Ready Bed (blow up all-in-one travel bed thing for DS1), reduced in the Early Learning, she laughed and called me "soft" for buying it. I was fuming and felt I then had to explain that it was for visits to my parents' house as DS1 had outgrown his travel cot, she just sneered at me. Had this a few times from the same woman, different items and I wish I had stood up to her. I think my DS1 and her DS will be reunited at School and I'm not going to let her away with it this time!

I would say let her know you don't appreciate her comments.

Charliecat, I hope you don't mean me?

I agree that you should have a quiet word with her and just say you don't know if she realises it but some of her comments are offending you a tad.

As others have said, she may not realise this and actually be embarrassed to find out she's offended you. On the other hand she may not care even if you pull her to one side and mention it.

If it is the case that she doesn't care and keeps doing it, then take a leaf out of her book and loudly (so others can hear) say to her "I have asked you in private to stop these remarks, please do so" then see how embarrassed she will be

It's interesting to read different people's takes on this. I have know this woman for a couple of years and this really hasn't been a problem till the last six months. I don't know why it started. The reason I am not happy is because she doesn't make these jokey comments to other parents. So I do feel she is singling me out. I would never dream of making jokingly disrespectful comments about her, her children or husband - ok the odd thing might slip out, but not regularly. It could just be her style and my style, but her timing really annoys me - she seems to pick moments when other people are within earshot ie at the party when I came in with my children, she asked where my husband was first thing. ok - a natural question. The feminist in me hates it when people ask me where my husband is if I am out, but she's not to know that. But it wasn't till right at the end of the evening, when the music had stopped and everyone was clearing away, when, out of the blue, she loudly said she 'would have words with' my husband. As this is not the first incident that's left me feeling annoyed with her, I am beginning to wonder if there's a subtle put down behind the jokey facade.

I cannot talk to her about this. Writing it down, the incidents sound so trivial. I think she might not keep our conversation to herself. She's not vindictive, but she and her group of parent friends are a bit gossipy together. I don't know them well enough to know where she draws the line.

I think I've got to joke back at her somehow, as Mr Cheese says or as Droile says - treating her like an annoying customer, by raising my eyebrows and shaking my head at the nearest person. Only problem is, the nearest person is usually another PTA friend of hers

To me this looks like a clash between two very different personalities. I think some people are essentially much more private and sensitive to people's comments and questions. I have a friend who is just like that.She is a very private person and she always seems to react to things in a negative way. I think she reads too much into things and if people make an innocent jokey comment, she will really take it to heart. She recently told me that the other mums in her toddler-group had laughed of her DD when she had done something funny. I wasn't there, but knowing my friend, I am pretty sure the mums would be laughing of her DD in a "oh, isn't she cute"-sort of way. My friend, however, was really hurt and upset that anyone would laugh of her DD. She would never tell anyone they had offended her and most of the time I find it quite hard to be with her because I know any comment can be taken in the wrong way. She takes offense of things which would never cross my mind was offensive at all. Personally I find it a bit difficult being friends with this type of person, because I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells.

Fairymum, I don't think wings is the sort of person you describe at all.

Wings, if she is only saying these things to you, then she IS getting at you, for some reason.

I must say that the only person she is really showing up is herself, and I'm sure others have noticed it, even if covertly.

I think I might consider asking her not to tell my children off at all as that does pee me off. However, if I arrived at a party without my dh and a mutual friend or acquaintance asked where he was it wouldn't cross my mind to be offended and I'd tell her (ie 'watching the football' ) I think she just sounds like a socially clumsy, heavy handed person who thinks she's much funnier than she is. Why not chat to your other friends and tactfully sound them out, you might find that other people think the same way which you might find is enough to make you feel happier with the situation. I have a friend who often makes jawdroppingly 'insulting' comments - ie me: "I saw so-and-so for a drink the other night" - her: "Did you get so drunk you were rolling around in the gutter,then?" Me (feebly): 'er, no" but that's just the way she is and she doesn't even know she's doing it. She does it to other people and it's a bit of a joke how tactless she is. Another friend has a go at my job all the time, and my friends, but I know it's because she hates her job and feels jealous. Sometimes I pull her up on it, sometimes I don't. It's usually not worth it IMO. Mind you, if someone constantly teased me about my age I probably would say something pretty sharp back. So no real answer there!

Droile, no it's very difficult to know what kind of person someone is from what they write.
All I am saying is that some people are much more sensitive to peoples comments and tend to take it to heart rather than just ignoring the person if it bothers you so much. Some people are a bit loud and blunt and tend to clash with more sensitive souls.....

Wings IMO I would get in there first with a wise crack or better still ask where her husband is.
As for telling the kids off who does this woman think she is.
The only thing that needs sorting out is her attitude.

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Not sure if it is mostly about your husband's whereabouts, but this is something that particularly used to annoy my mother, because she felt that people were implying that her marriage was not strong because they did not always go to all social events together. She put a stop with it by responding to, "Oh, where is your husband this evening?" by, "Don't worry, I've got him in my handbag," and things like that.

I can sympathise but I know I'm probably one of those people a bit like this woman. I try to break the ice in situations sometimes because I'm a bit nervous, even though people would never think I am because I come across as loud and confident. Rather than say something sensible I often say silly things like this woman said about your husband. The other reason I do it, I think is that I'm trying to make conversation and I'm no good at small talk so I crack a joke. Some time ago I started to realise that I probably come across as some kind of Colin Hunt person (off the Fast Show) to some people and I have tried to be a bit more restrained.
But I do think this woman means nothing sinister by what she says and how she behaves. She sounds like a good egg overall, but just a bit bossy and not everyone's cup of tea. If it's not going to cause too many problems for you, I'd try to adopt an attitude of silly comments back to her, like the ones suggested here. I think confronting her may not necessarily be the right thing to do; it makes too much on an issue out of it. But there again, what do I know?!

I'm with Moomin on this one - I think that all of us have a Mum at their school that you could be describing - and there is often more than one on any PTA. Think up a few quips in preparation for those that she usually gives you - say them with a smile and shrug them off.

I would advise using humour as your weapon of self-defence eg where is your husband? Oh, he said he was having a flower arranging session with YOUR husband tonight/ or how careless of me, I'm sure he was in my handbag when I left the house.

If she publicly disciplines your children in a less sensible way than you would have done, you could just equally publicly say that her style of discipline isn't terribly helpful - has she tried reading "insert your favourite parenting manual in here"? and if that is mocked say "only the foolish think they have nothing to learn, after all"

The best form of defence is attack, Wings - good luck!

I think humour is my best weapon too. But being a quieter type of person, I'm going to have to work on that humour. It's got to be non-aggressive. It's a bit of an irony, if you have the reputation for being bold, bossy and outspoken, you can get away with slightly off remarks. People just think you are tactless but mean well. If, like me, you aren't like that, then a jokey 'off' comment stands out a mile and I think is easily mistaken for real aggression and cattyness. So my hands are tied. I can do humour, yes, but kind, caring and considerate humour only. Life's not fair!

Fairymum, I think this woman sees me as someone who is very laid back and will not get upset, so I am a perfect foil for her 'witty' comments. And as she's put me in that role, I now feel it's difficult to escape from this typecasting.

As you say, Nicksie, I don't want to incite the wrath of the PTA for little reason. Unless things get worse, I'm not going to make an issue of this.

outofpractice, I do like the husband in the handbag reply and will definitely remember it. I feel more comfortable with that than a more 'back at you' reply. With the latter, I just think the way I'd say it would come out wrong and show I was cross.

Her wading in and telling off my children is a different kettle of fish - I don't want to contradict her or belittle her in front of my children. Luckily the times she does this are rare. I think avoidance and gritted teeth are the best tactics here, unless someone can come up with any others.

I do think she has me marked out as a soft target for her 'wit'. I don't like being singled out at all. Droile you're right, I think other people notice it.

I hope being witty and a bit unthinking is all there is to it. I just don't like being in situations where one person feels free to say certain things to me that I would never say to them. It's an abuse of friendship as far as I am concerned.

I agree with Moomin.

The trouble with worrying about a situation like this is that you may come across as a bit sharp in your response, if you plan something beforehand. She will then have 'won', because you look like the bad person. As others have said, try to keep it light-hearted when you respond, but have a suitable answer ready. It does sound to me like she was looking forward to seeing your dh!!!

Telling your kids off is not acceptable in a public situation. I am happy for people to make it clear to my ds what is not/allowed in their own homes, but not otherwise.

I hope you come to some sort of happy answer to the situation.

Poor you wings, its a rotten scenario for you. I think once you get sensitised to this sort of thing, comments stand out to you that wouldn't have before IYSWIM.
I won't add my advice as you have plenty of excellent advice here already, but just a thought. This woman may be saying these things to give the impression to others, that you and she are closer friends than you actually are. For example, I don't bat an eyelid if my best friend tells DS1 off for doing something, anymore than she does if I tell her son off - but I wouldn't stand for it from people I know less well. Similarly, I could say of her husband something like, "bloody man, tell him I shall slap his legs when I see him" but I wouldn't say it to others - does that make sense?
She may well be trying to give the impression of a closer relationship with you, than actually exists - I suppose its flattering, but I should feel like slapping her too!