All opinions pleas on Babies going to funerals & attire.....

[GenT]

My dd was 2 weeks old when her nana took ill. She has visited her daily for about 5 months then went about 4 times a week during the last 2 1/2 months. Now she is 8 months. Going was not really her choice but we had to take her.

She was usually a ray of light in the hospitals abd therapeutical for many patients and even visitors. These public appearances has probably taught her to behave well and many comment on that.

Strangely, whenever she saw nana dd automatically smiled for her, the biggest one she could give. That did give nana a moment of joy. In the end, dd looked over at nana when she laid there dying but a smile never broke only curious eyes watching as everything went on. I wonder what she thinks, that one will have to wait until dd can speak.

All that led up to my points, dd is going to her nana's funeral on Monday since she always visited and out of respect for her nana.

Secondly, I personally only choose to wear black for funerals. Everyday attire is normally something with colour, even dd uses a lot of colour and patterns which I think embodies her spirit. Since I couldn't find any suitable dress for the occasion I made her a little black pinafore type dress with white eyelet fabric at bodice and black trimming at the armholes and neckline. Can post a pic but don't know how. Tell me if you know and comments welcome.

The dress will be worn with a white sweater which has a pink ribbon heart on it and her shoes are white with a pink butterfly. She is still a baby that is why I am choosing a bit of colour.

I went to a boutique looking for babies clothes and the owner said that people don't normally take babies to funerals and they don't dress them in balck either. I have only lived here for 17 months and not sure of such customs or views regarding that topic. Can you tell me your views on that subject...clothes, attendance and if possible the pic? Region of the world would be nice to have an idea of customs.

Many thanks.

I think her outfit is perfect.
Ignore the lady in the shop, she may choose not to take children to funerals but thats her choice and this is yours. If you are comfortable with it then take her. As she grows up and hears about this lovely lady she may be very glad that she too said her own good bye.

I'm sorry for your loss GenT.I don't think people on the whole do take babies to funerals but by the sound of it she was a very important part of her nana's remaining time. As long as you feel comfortable with it( which you sound as though you do) go wit your instincts, I think she will be a little ray of sunshine for many in an otherwise sad day. I wouldn't worry about her clothes too much, what you have sounds fine. People really wouldn't expect a baby to be in black.I'm in the UK.

GenT - Hi - sorry to hear of your loss.

I think a few things caught my eye in your post:

Firstly, funeral attire is less formal in the UK these days - it isn't necessary for adults to wear black. (You are in the UK, aren't you?) Though dark clothes are still more usual, and flowery patterns are probably out. I think you could dress your dd in anything and be fine.

I think it's fine for you to take dd to the funeral, but you have to be aware of a few things:

It is a solemn occasion, and people (and you) need peace and quiet to reflect and to grieve. You need to be prepared for someone (ideally not you) to take her out if she starts being noisy or disturbing. Have you got someone not personally connected, who could look after her for you at the funeral?

I presume "dd's nana" is your mum or mil? You do need to have chance to grieve too, and to be undistracted at the funeral.

I am sorry for you loss.

I took my dd to two funerals by the time she was 6 months. The first was of a very dear uncle (dh was out of the country and no-one could look after dd) and the other was for my Father. She was beautifully well behaved at both and in my Father's funeral the minister commented on how wonderful she was and how my Father loved her. (MIL was at the back of the chaple in case she became upset) She watched the whole service with the semi unblinking attention that tiny babies sometimes do. To my mind it was a perfect reminder of the natural way of things. Some are born and some must die. You must do what you think is best, for your own peace of mind.

Sorry to hear about this. I took ds to a funeral when he was about that age. We'd agreed that dh would take him out if he was noisy and that's what happened. I can't remember what I dressed him in but doubt it was black just because I don't think I had anything black. Anyway, I'd go and take her in your position. The outfit sounds good to me.

Agree with hmb too now I've read her post - babies are an important reminder that life goes on.

Sorry for your loss GenT.

I am in the UK and I agree with Kmg1. I think if you are comfortable with it and you want dd to go then that is fine and the outfit sounds lovely.
We just lost partners step dad yesterday, and although he was considered ds's gramp I won't be taking him (20 months) as i don't think he understands enough to say goodbye, and i can't make him be calm and quiet when he needs to be for others to pay their respects.
I also know i will be upset and don't want to have to deal with ds as well. Due to the fact that we will also be going back to a club for a buffet and drink i don't want to be carting my son there either. But i think that is down to your personal circumstances and what is planned.
I agree though that if you do want to take dd with you then have someone on hand who can take her out if she gets bored or fidgety.

kmg1... My MIL. I don't think we should have any problems with her being noisy. Although she is at the stage that she seems to want to talk. She goes to mass every week and does really well, in fact, she is the most quietest child in the church and well behaved. If she was to be noisy, everyone would understand (assuming here even though I shouldn't)since she has been to every family affair in her short life and those around have seen her growing up.

I am in Yorkshire and this is my first and last funeral for sometime I hope. Things come in three's they say. Have been to several in the US and one in Canada, not many babies were at those.

If she should be noisy to the extent of unbearable, I am prepared to take her out or in the back since she will settle with me. With the family on the small side, it is best for them to be able to grieve.

DD is a bit of comfort to the family since she was named after an elder brother killed in 1985. She has a spirit entirely her own which is special. That is why her flowers to her nana will be a spray of Orchids. Now I just hope dd will let it go when we give her to place on the coffin. DD doesn't let go much of things these days. She uses a toothbrush to brush her gums, silly baby expecting choppers for months now.

I'm sorry about your nana, Gent. We took our 1yo to dh's uncle's funeral - we didn't have a choice, it was either take her or not go at all. She wore a navy and white check dress and was the star of the show. Everyone was delighted to have a baby around, esp at the post-funeral lunch and I know uncle would have been tickled pink to have had her there. As for wearing black, I think it's personal choice nowadays. My sister didn't wear a single black item at her own husband's funeral last week. Hth.

message withdrawn

agree with twigg don't believe in taking children/babies to funerals

My fil died last year suddenly and although I went up to Glasgow with my dh and children aged then 2.6 yo and 6 mo I wasn't happy about attending the service and cemetary with them. After a lot of agonising about it, as it would mean I couldn't go either, I spoke to my dh who was too grief stricken to think straight about it before. He agreed that they should not go if I felt that way. He has since said we shouldn't have taken them at all and left them with my mum. Having said that I think you should do what you feel comfortable with.

Trickey really, isn't it? I don't really feel that funerals are the place for children but having said that I will be taking both my children to my Grandmother's memorial service next week. They are 3 mths and 6 years. This is because there is no choice - if I don't take them then I can't go - there is no-one I can ask to watch them for me. And if I don't go then my family will be all disapproving. They will probably be disapproving anyway - I can't win.

If I hadn't taken dd to my Father's funeral (she was 6 months old at the time) either I would have had to miss it, or someone else that loved my father. MIL was waiting to take her out if she started to cry, but she never made a sound. I have never know her to be as placid before or since.

And to my mind she also had a right to be there, tiny as she was. She is part of my father. The genes that she carries come in part from him, and while she lives not all of my Father will die. She was there as part of my Father's large and loving family. Having her there wasn't just necessary, it was to my mind essential. And the joy of having a beautiful new life present when we marked the passing of my Father was a great help to us.

I read the bible quote when we entered my fathers ashes, 'For everything there is a season, and a time for very purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.' And my dd was part of the reason that I chose that quote. My dd being born and dad passing were all part of the turn of the seasons.

Obviously ever case is different, and people will make choices that are right for them and their children as well as those who are grief stricken. But for me the choice was quite simple.

GenT sorry to hear your sad news

In my opinion do what you feel is right

Take care
xxx

oh hmb,your words were so eloquent and completely say what i feel on this subject.my ds has,sadly,in his short life been to 3 funerals of vclose relatives and it was right for all concerned that he was there.

We took ds to my grandma's funeral when he was only 4 weeks old. Then to dh's great aunty's funeral when he was 6 months old. We didn't take him to my grandfather's in september as it was a long drive away and PILs offered to have him for the day.

I found that afterwards, it was loevly to have a little one around as people were more positive and forward-looking.

We just put him in navy blue clothes with a lighter coloured top. Had he come to my grandfather's though he would definitely have worn something more colourful - my grandad would have liked that!

I hope it goes ok for you all.

Sorry for you loss GenT.

The outfit you have made your dd sounds perfect to me. It shows both respect and that she is an infant.

I think having a baby at a funeral will be comforting for many, and the person taking the funeral may even want to mention what a great joy she was to her nana.

I was recently not expected to travel to a funeral because I have a baby, and the bereaved's daughter had to leave her baby in the entrance to the church with a friend. That was in NZ.

I've been to two funerals with my ds - a family friend and my Grandad. In both cases I had to take the him out, but I was glad to be there. When my Grandma died, I had dd as well and decided not to go, and take both of them, so we just went to the house afterwards. I really regret not going to the funeral - I only became close to my grandma in the few years before she died, and I have found her death quite hard to come to terms with. I am getting choked up just typing this. Whether going to the funeral or not would have made a difference, I would never know, but I wish I had.

What I'm trying to say, is that you should go with your own feelings. As far as clothes go, I don't think it matters what your dd wears.

I think as she was a factor in the life of the person who has died it is good to take her along BUT agree with all the advice about having someone to take her out, not you preferably so you can go through the process of emotions, memories etc yourself. If no-one else then so be it. I've been to 2 funerals since my baby girl was born but didn't take her to either as she was not known to either of the people who died and I had someone who could look after her. I also didn't think the funeral should turn into something about "her" and not about the person so you do need to be sensitive to how other people might feel too but if you feel that you want to take her then do. A lot of people will love to see a baby who had some meaning to the person who has died and, of course, the reminder about "the circle oflife". So sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss GenT.

My mum died when my dd was 4 months old. My friend offered to look after my dd while we were at the cremetorium but she dropped my dd off at the hotel for the funeral tea afterwards. Everyone was happy to see my dd and a lot of them were seeing her for the first time anyway. She was passed around between relatives and friends for the afternoon and I think it made the whole day more bearable for my granny, being able to concentrate on this new little life. She wore a black velvet pinafore that a relative had bought for her a few days before the funeral and white long sleeved body suit with a collar underneath, it was in December.

Sorry to hear of your loss GenT. I think young babies should be with their mothers and so should go along to a funeral but agree that someone should be on hand if baby gets restless. The dress you made sounds lovely. Just wish I could make clothes.

I hope all goes well on the day.