rant

[SaintGeorge]

This is just a rant, a chance for me to clear my head of some crap. I don’t expect replies and I apologise for ranting in a public space but I think it might be very cathartic so …
I was going to change my name for this but since certain things will give me away, there really isn’t any point.
For most of my adult life I have suffered from depression. For years at a time it is under control. Occasionally it blips and I go back on the ADs (I am on them now). Sometimes, even despite the drugs, it hits me in the face like a giant brick wall and I can’t see a way over the wall. That happened to me yesterday.
I spent hours yesterday trying to decide if I should pack my bags and walk out on my family as I am no use to them whatsoever. I seriously considered making that more permanent. I am a bad mother, a lousy wife, a crap homemaker. I add virtually nothing financially to the family. I am struggling with agoraphobia so find myself stuck in the house for days on end. Mumsnet is my lifeline. I have never said anything of this before because it is personal and private and by maintaining a separate online life I felt I could keep an element of control.
Last night I needed to escape from my real life so came back on MN. I found out that apparently I am sanctimonious, intolerant, a stupid t*at and a dick. Hey, so great, people look me at the same level I look at myself. A useless piece of shit. So nice to know I am amongst friends.
If I didn’t feel worthless before I really do now. I barely slept last night. I considered not coming back on MN today but then thought, sod it, other people rant so I’m going to as well. I am pissed off with evil, nasty little people changing their names to post their point of view. What am I supposed to do now, post on MN wondering which person said all that about me? Or get totally paranoid and think that everyone agrees? I could go back to my RL but since that is totally shit as well I won’t gain much.
I am not going to leave MN. I will not let one stupid little yellow bellied coward push me out. I will get angry and rant and rave on here, because I don’t see why my family should take on the extra load caused by your nasty little persona bovverboots. If you want a fight, come and get it but have the courage of your convictions and let me know who you are. In other words put up or shut up.

Hey, your not stupid, or anything else. Ignore what this person has said about you. Do not let them stop you using this site.
You are not a bad mother, wife or homemaker.
I know the feeling you have, but as my counceller said to me
"You look after your children, their main career. Of course, at times, you will feel like you are struggling (I do, many times), but people who work the hours we do, will struggle at some point as well. And struggling is natural." IYSWIM
Do you think you could get some councelling, mine has become my lifeline, she rings me up every day, for a chat to see how im feeling, then I see her at appintments etc.
Hope I haven't waffled to much,

I, for one, would hate it if you left SG. I really like your posts and think of you as one of the quality MNers which make the site great. So I'm glad you're not leaving.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad at the moment. I never had an inkling of this.

I have also been hurt by MN comments but remember, there are always some people who'll find you irritating. It's whether or not you let it get to you and judging by your self image at the moment it's hardly surprising it is getting to you.

IME people who call others 'sanctimonious' tend to be lashing out because of their own insecurities. Let it wash over you. It's their angst, not yours.

Take care xxxx

saintgeorge.....It;'s such a shame you felt like you had to finish on mn. TBH I have had contact with other mums on mn who have felt the same and have felt bullied etc.
MN is a place where we all have freedom of speech and noone can say any different. It;s such a shame that regulars on here feel like it's their zone etc..it's like kids stood on a street corner who feel noone else can walk past them or can stand there unless they are invited to.
We are all adults and some people need to start acting like that.I thought bullying ended when we left school.
Like you said they are cowards...being able to hide behind a nickname. SHAMELESS,COWARDS.

You need support from mn from what you say, don't feel pushed out.

I am so very sorry that you are feeling this way. I guess whoever it was who had a go didn't realise your personal circs. Not that that is much comfort. FWIW I always think your posts are interesting. Don't find them objectionable at all. You come across as someone with strong opinions and MN is all the better for having strong opinions around. There are some sanctimonious people around at the moment, that's all.

You know the stuff about leaving your family and not adding anything to their lives is the depression speaking, don't you? Can you get therapy as well as ADs? CBT or similar would be a much more long-term solution. Maybe try looking up the Mind website - I'm sure they'd be able to talk things through and help you navigate the healthcare system. Do you have a community psychiatric nurse? I just feel that you need a lot more support than you are getting.

Oops, didn't realise someone had called you sanctimonious. I'd say it was the other way round!

SG

Don't know whats gone off but you've got the right attitude. Don't let one person push you away from something you find helps you.
Your a great poster, you add alot to MN and I'm sure you have helped plenty of others by being here.

FWIW, I was having a bad day yesterday with my anxiety but I was determined not to come on MN in the day and wait till dd had gone to bed. When I came on last night I felt tons better. It really can be a great lifeline like you said.

here here SG.

i think it cowardly to keep changing your name simply to make a dig at someone.
you are brave enough to say what you think and feel openly and take what comes if someone doesnt like that.

that in itself shows you are coragous woman and you are much stronger than you think. im glad you rcognise your feelings yesterday were your illness speaking adn nto the feelings of everyone around you.
the coward that masqerades as Bovver shoudl be ignored as the rantings of a lunatic. these arent the feelings of most of the people on here and iwould bet my house on the fat that it wont be the feeligns of yoru family and freinds.

i send you good luck with your agoraphobia. and i hope you continue to speak your mind and are open about how you think and feel.

btw, you said you add vitually nothng financially to your family....

At the end of the day you are a mother and you have given up your life to carry your baby/babies and imo having a baby is your contribution. Even being a sahm is contributing financially in a way.Don't be so hard on yourself. I suffer from pnd so I know how you feel esp being a sahm.Please don't feel like all mn'ers are wa#####. We aren't..!!!

Does your dh/dp know how you feel.??

Well I like you SaintGeorge.

I think what often happens on here, particularly late at night, is that people post after having had a couple of glasses of wine and if they've had a bad day they come across a post that winds them up and they let rip. I doubt if bovverboots (or anyone else) sees a post from you and says "there's that sanctimonious SG going on again" - she probably just saw something which wound her up last night. I'm not sure exactly what because I only skim read and ehr irritation seemed out of all proportion, but hey, people do use Mumsnet as a ranting board sometimes and forget that there are real life people behind the names about whose lives they know nothing.

Don't let it get you down, try and take the good bits of Mumsnet and remember that anyone who posts on here with any regularity, will eventually be accused of cliquiness, sanctimoniousness, extremism, boringness, lunacy, snobbery, racism, stupidity, mass-murder and anything else you can mention. Hopefully not all at the same time.

Don't let one cowardly poster get to you, SG. FGS, she/he/it didn't even have the balls to use their own name. It's really easy to say things like that to a faceless stranger on the internet but you are none of the things that poster called you; I know it's hard to believe that when you're in a pit of depression but you're not.

FWIW, I enjoy your posts, and like spidermama I think of you as one of the posters who make this site great. So sorry that you're struggling at the moment, but please don't let some anonymous coward make you feel worse.

stg
name changing posters who make attacks personally obviously don't have the strength of their own convictions.

I'm sorry that you are having a poxy time at the moment, recurrent depression is debilitating. The whole treadmill/wanting to disappear thing ..just do the physical minimum you have to at the moment.

((((SG))))

Im not sure how to put into words what im thinking, and even really if i should.

I know you are not a bad mother. I have seen you with the boys, and they love you and it is so obvious that you love them. They are bright, friendly, well behaved - they have a good mummy and a good extended family, you are doing a great job of raising them.

You know that you have an illness (depression) and you have been strong enough to face it and ask for help, you dont give up - you fight it, and that makes you a strong person, a determined person. I know that the black days are so hard and there feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but you have family and friends who love you and who care about you and are there to support you. You are worth caring about.

Are you still doing the same job?

You are an amazing person, dont let anyone put you down. No one who knows you could ever think those things were true, you are caring, and giving, supportive, a good listener, you have so much to offer and if whoever it was that said that about you cant see that then that is there loss.

I wish I was more articulate, I cant seem to get what im trying to say across. Im thinking of you.

FWIW StG, I don't know whether we've ever 'spoken' before but I read much more than I post and I like your posts. :) You always come across as one of the most level-headed and intelligent MNers. I'm glad you're not thinking of leaving.
I read 'that thread' too (not at the time it was kicking off though) and it seemed to me like bovverboots was just lashing out - very rudely, and insensitively as it turned out.
I second the recommendation for CBT if you can get it.

btw I'm not trivialising bovverboots' outbursts. She was utterly out of order, even more so because she changed her name.

SG,
Just try to ignore who ever that angy, bitter person 'bovverboots' is. Whatever.

FWIW, it's not on to post about people being aggro and then call someone a stupid twat and a dick.

Here, here!

Saintgeorge - please don't go or change your name! MN is much more fun with you and your name is instantly recognisable as someone with some sense to share!

I think most of us are up for banter, but when it gets personal that's when the trouble starts. For what it's worth I'd say there are a lot of parents on MN who use it as one of their few lifelines; an identity that can share wisdom and talk like a 'normal' person would in real life which for one reason or another they feel they can't do. I know I certainly do!

Personal attacks are not on! Disagreements and differences of opinion are one thing, but to take it to the next level is neither fair or called for!

Blunderwoman, love the name.

Saintgeorge -I've obviously missed the thread you're talking about ( and have no intentions of looking for it) -I just wanted to add that you were great when I asked about iritis/uveitis. You were informed and supportive, offering advice and sympathy and shared your experiences when I asked.

As if that condition isn't enough to put up with on its own you have all the other illnesses/conditions too yet you still always have time to chat, listen and support.

Don't let some big girls blouse of a name-changer put you off! Stick with MN

please dont gt upset G, i definately didnt help matters, i was bored and thought of it as good sport/entertainment. sorry think are shitty for you at home, it definatley doesn't help when trying to keep things in perspective. depression is an evil disease which makes you think that everyone would be better off without the crying and the wailing and wallowing, that your family deserve better etc etc.

thing is - if tomorow by your magic wish, they had mary poppins and all the material wealth they could ever need. they would want you.

xxx

Why should you believe anything one ignorant tw*t says?

OTOH, if you were to go, I wouldn't get sucked into s*dding internet games...

Custy's put her finger on it with the Mary Poppins analogy.

Dont go,just because of one w@nker

Who else is going to stop me annoying the moggeling crowd?

I'm glad you haven't let a name-changer push you away from MN, SG. I too would miss your input on here.

I hope things get better for you IRL. xxx

Well I certainly dont' think any of those things about you and it is not how you come across to me.

Glad you aren't going