rant

[SaintGeorge]

This is just a rant, a chance for me to clear my head of some crap. I don’t expect replies and I apologise for ranting in a public space but I think it might be very cathartic so …
I was going to change my name for this but since certain things will give me away, there really isn’t any point.
For most of my adult life I have suffered from depression. For years at a time it is under control. Occasionally it blips and I go back on the ADs (I am on them now). Sometimes, even despite the drugs, it hits me in the face like a giant brick wall and I can’t see a way over the wall. That happened to me yesterday.
I spent hours yesterday trying to decide if I should pack my bags and walk out on my family as I am no use to them whatsoever. I seriously considered making that more permanent. I am a bad mother, a lousy wife, a crap homemaker. I add virtually nothing financially to the family. I am struggling with agoraphobia so find myself stuck in the house for days on end. Mumsnet is my lifeline. I have never said anything of this before because it is personal and private and by maintaining a separate online life I felt I could keep an element of control.
Last night I needed to escape from my real life so came back on MN. I found out that apparently I am sanctimonious, intolerant, a stupid t*at and a dick. Hey, so great, people look me at the same level I look at myself. A useless piece of shit. So nice to know I am amongst friends.
If I didn’t feel worthless before I really do now. I barely slept last night. I considered not coming back on MN today but then thought, sod it, other people rant so I’m going to as well. I am pissed off with evil, nasty little people changing their names to post their point of view. What am I supposed to do now, post on MN wondering which person said all that about me? Or get totally paranoid and think that everyone agrees? I could go back to my RL but since that is totally shit as well I won’t gain much.
I am not going to leave MN. I will not let one stupid little yellow bellied coward push me out. I will get angry and rant and rave on here, because I don’t see why my family should take on the extra load caused by your nasty little persona bovverboots. If you want a fight, come and get it but have the courage of your convictions and let me know who you are. In other words put up or shut up.

It was one poster, SG - one who wasn't even courageous enough to use her own name. It's easy to be nasty when it's anonymous - don't let it put you off posting.

SG I also hope you don't leave. I have agorophobic dendencies too - I had been getting better but recently tried to wean myself off the medication and the anxiety returned.

You have always appeared strong on here - and it is easy to be someone else online isn't it? When you're cracking up at home or things are going pear shaped you can come here and usually carry on as if nothing is wrong - plenty of distractions and people worse off than you!

I know it's hard to ignore direct attacks but it really isn't worth letting it get to you, I guess the worst thing is the fact that the person is too cowardly to say it without changing names

I hope you're feeling better after seeing the support you have on here you are NOT a useless piece of shit!!!!!!

blimey, I'm not surprised you're pissed off, sg.

If it helps I think you are much less snactimonious and intolerant than a lot of mn'ers - in fact I can be guilty of the latter myself sometimes, certainly more than you are anyway. tbh it doesn't sound like a regular that would say such things.

Havent seen the thread to which you refer but Stick with us SaintGeorge, its well known that some folk only come on here to have a go. I have seen plenty of your advice which has been helpful and who the hell can make a judgement on your personality from posting on here? Mad, bad people. Keep personal opinions to themselves, I say.

Thank you all so much. I regretted posting as soon as I did it, as I didn't want people to think I was ranting purely to get a response, but it felt so good to get that crap out.

Attacks don't normally bother me, I guess this one just caught me at a low point. When you are in the trough of a depression it is so hard not to take things personally.

I have been this low before and come back from the brink, I will drag myself up from this one too.

Thank you all x

SG I think bb's personal attack was out of order!!

Don't let anyone drive you away!!

Btw I know you are a good mother,wife and homemaker....why?..because a bad one wouldn't care

I went and checked for this after edam mentioned your other thread SaintGeorge. Agree with everyone else here - one cowardly name-changer should not drive you away from Mn when you need it and it needs you! "Sanctimonious"? I know it upset you :( but of all the inappropriate adjectives to apply to you...
Courage, we all love you. :)

SG I don't know the thread that you have talked about but you certainly don't come across in that way to me. I really like your posts and you seem like a lovely worthwhile person.
I know exactly where you are coming from with the agoraphobia and i'm wondering if you have tried CBT as well as the ad's. I have been having CBT for anxiety and agrophobic tendancies since February and it has helped me so much.

Thank you.

Getting all now about my rant.

I did have some CBT last year, but I can call my therapist and ask to go back on her list. I think I need some more in-depth type of counselling, to try to find out where it all comes from so I am considering hypnotherapy. My family are incredibly supportive, especially my DH who is amazingly patient.

The agrophobia is fairly new. I can handle the school run (kids with me) and chatting to mums in the street etc. Family trips are great. It is just going out on my own that seems to get to me. Bit awkward when I am a Betterware rep and my job depends on me working outside a lot on my own!

I am much brighter today. Knowing people do care makes a hell of a difference to how you feel doesn't it?

sg glad you feel better but I wouldn't be at all...Just glad you aired your issues and that at least you have now seen that you are thought of quite highly on mn. I know (pnd sufferer myself) that when you feel low you really do need pick me up's, it allows you to see the wood for the tress.. iykwim.

Keep your chin up. xx