How do I tell a new-ish friend that I don't need to see her every day?

[Janus]

I met a nice lady a few months ago at a local class. The classes did however stop as the teacher left but we started meeting up every now and then for a walk/coffee etc. However, she now attends every class I do (3 a week) and expects us to go and do something afterwards too like going to eachothers house for lunch and the afternoon. She now wants to join a new class I am joining and I just don't know how to tell her to leave me something I can do on my own! I am notoriously soft and cannot just say 'sorry, I want to do this on my own' so for now am putting the class on hold until I can come up with a decent excuse! In the meantime I have now agreed to meet up with her again this week, not one of our classes, and feel I'm seeing her every day for hours each day and I just don't want to. I like doing new things and don't need to drag other friends along and am also quite happy going for a nice long walk with my daughter on my own but she has started asking when I go for walks, which parks and playgrounds I use as she would like to come - agghhhh!
The thing is she just says half way through a class 'what are we doing today then' which throws me as she obviously expects us to be doing something when sometimes I just want to go home.
How can I put her off without hurting her feelings?

I had exactly the same problem recently & really symapthise, in the end I had a sick relative who needed a lot of time & attention so I told her I was going to stay with her/having her to stay - it was true at the time but I am continuing with the same excuse - you could make something up like that! Or what about saying you are starting a strict new 'rest' routine with your daughter and don't want any interruptions.

Good luck - I know what a pain it can be!

Unfortunately, I can offer no solution as I am in exactly the same boat, although not quite as bad as your situation.

3 1/2 years ago I moved house (about 1 mile from where I used to live).

When I used to live in my old road, there were four of us that met up quite regularly (once a week) as we all had babies within 6 weeks of one another.

When I moved, one particular friend(?) started inviting herself round.

Over 3 years down the line, she comes to my house every week without fail (unless I happen to be on holiday).

I have only ever been invited to her house twice (both times because she had engineers visiting her house to mind something and she couldn't come to me).

I work part-time (due back at work after maternity leave next week) and Thursdays are only one of the two days I have free and I get fed up with her coming round EVERY Thursday.

She never, ever brings lunch but expects me to cook something hot for her children (and mine) and if I have not started lunch by say 12:30 she asks me when I am going to start lunch as her kids are getting hungry!

If ever I meet up with other friends, even if just for a coffee, I always take some sweets for the children or a bun round for the grown-ups. I could never turn up (uninvited) and then expect that person to cook me lunch, every week, without exception.

To try and put her off the scent, one day I said that I wouldn't be around as I was going shopping. Me and my son had a lovely time at the local shops, stopping for a coffee, etc.

When I got back in doors, there were two messages on my answerphone checking to see if I was home. I phoned her and told her that I had told her I was going shopping and wouldn't be around. Apparently, she also popped round on the off-chance I might have changed my mind. When I phoned her, she said she was just doing lunch for her two boys (I nearly died of shock!) but would pop round for a coffe anyway. When I told her, she could leave it for that day if she wanted, she turned round and said "oh, it's okay, I don't mind coming round".

Last Christmas, I told her that I had my in-laws popping in to drop off some presents and as me and my friend had booked to take our children to the pantomime in the afternoon, I said that instead of meeting up in the morning (she is normally at my house from 9:30 until 2:30) we should just meet up in the afternoon before the pantomime started and also my in-laws were going to be here. She turned round and said "oh, I would still like to come round as I have never met John's parents!".

Luckily, she has just sold her house and is moving over 1 hours drive away so at least I won't be able to see her every week because of school hours, etc.

I am like you - I find it hard to be tactless and don't want to hurt her feelings although she is really taking the p*ss out of me by always coming to my house.

JacquiKD, sorry to be blunt but you are letting her walk all over you. Everything is on her terms not yours! Be blunt with her and tell her you only have time to meet once a month or whatever suits you. Say you'd like to take it in turns with whose house you meet at or ask her to bring dessert.

This house move will certainly change things though so perhaps you won't have to say too much. R

Are these women lonely ? I had this problem years ago and I moved an ocean away ! But when I think of it today, this girlfriend had just no one else to turn to... And I never found the courage to turn her away.
I wonder what is thew worst that can happen if you tell the truth to these women ? They will either not get it or get upset - and then tehy might not see you again... I don't know, it's pretty difficult.
Are your kids friends with hers ?

Janus and JacquiD, at least you can console yourselves that you must seem really fascinating and god company for these friends to want to see so much of you.

There's a saying which I'm sure you've heard 'never complain, never explain' Difficult to put into practise, though.

I'm thinking of the latter bit in relation to you. Can you make it your guiding principle in dealing with these friends. The less info they have about your life, the less pegs there are to hang their metaphorical coats on.

A simple 'no, sorry, can't do that today' said with a friendly smile on your face. Quick change of subject, vagueness about future plans etc etc.

Hope this helps.

Janus & JaquiKD, if you don't feel up to being blunt, how about a few ommisions or white lies. Janus, when she asks you about classes or what you are doing to day, how about saying you don't know yet, you have other commitments, another friend is coming around, you're going out. I would definitely go for evasion in the first instance. Same thing for Jaqui too. Tell her you are really busy today and could you meet up another day and then set a day that suits you and if she 'phones up before that just say, that you're looking forward to seeing her on XXXX day.
Good luck to both of you.

Thanks for your comments. Stupidly, Lindy, I have just mentioned that I'm trying to do more and more with my daughter as she's quite a lively wee thing and so we're doing morning and afternoon activities so I've buggered the 'rest routine' idea! Caller ID won't work as I have started to do that and she just leaves messages everywhere, even just to say she will be going to class that day - I DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT!!!
You,re right, I think being more vague about what I'm up to when I'm not with her is definitely the way to go but I'm so crap at thinking of excuses on my feet! For example, I was due to start my new class tomorrow and started telling her about it but as soon as I did I just knew she was going to say she was going to come too (as she doesn't ask, just says 'what a good idea, let me know when you're going and I'll come too, oh, if you don't mind', like I'm really going to say 'yes I do mind' so I said I wasn't sure what days it was on. Anyway, she then suggested for us to do something tomorrow morning and I couldn't use the excuse of this new class and completely stumbled and so have agreed to do this with her - doh! Anyway, I'm away next week so it's probably best to start the class after this so that I can go regularly. I will just learn to shut my mouth up and go without mentioning the class to her again and hope she doesn't ask. It does rather defeat the object of having friends though as you want to talk about what you've done, new experiences etc. I'm really starting to resent her and all the time I'm putting into a friendship that if we didn't have the common factor of a small child I'm sure we wouldn't have much in common. I'm sure if I saw her once a week I'd like her more! What's worse now is at my regular classes she keeps telling everyone 'oh yes, we're VERY close friends' and follows me all around the room so I can't even mix with the others. I'm starting to feel like I have a stalker.
Need to attend assertiveness classes obviously!

I was in a sort of similar situation a few years ago - a bloke kept ringing me up at work and at home. Sometimes 2 or 3 time a day a work. Asking realy inane questions about what I was doing at that particular moment etc. I did the vague non-committal answers and he never seemed to get the hint.

I started screening all his calls, never picking up the phone but waiting for the message. In the end, I turned the ringer off on the phone. But he never seemed to get the message. The calls went down to about once a week/fortnight. This went on for about 6 months.

The final straw was when a bomb had exploded about 10 miles away and he rang to see if I was ok. He was going to be in my area and had already informed me that he would be taking me out one night. I had inadvertently answered the phone and decided to take the bull by the horns - I told him to stop ringing me and that he wasn't going to take me out etc. It mostly stopped it.

The trouble is, most people don't want to hurt other people's feeling so we avoid being deliberately rude but it is the clingers who are being rude really by not considering your feelings at all. And then putting you in the position of being rude to them to resolve the situation. It's not pleasnt and caused me a lot of distress at the time but I think, to be honest, you may have to just say something specific and not be vague - vagueness isn't really working.

Pupuce, re. what you say about the children being friends.

My friend's little boy has just turned 5 and my son will be 5 in February. Unfortunately, my son just doesn't like her son.

My friend's son was always forward for his age - crawled at 5 months and walked at 8! Saying that, he didn't speak until he was about 3 and is still not a clear talker. Her son once asked me for a drink and I had to ask his mum to translate for me and my son turned round and said "mum, doesn't talk very well, does he"- out of the mouths of children ... My son also picks up on the other little boy's manners - when the other little boy asks for something, my son asks him "what do you say?" (meaning please) and my son also asks him "if he has left his manners in the car"!

One thing I do find irritating and I had to say something about was that, because she always comes to my house, it is always my son that has to "share" his toys with ***.

Last February, just after my son's birthday, my friend came round with her little boy and whatever my son was playing with, her little boy wanted. My son is quite good at sharing as he has an older sister, but my friend's little boy is not very good at sharing at all. Because it had just been my son's birthday and my son wanted to play with his new toys, when tried to take the particular toy that my son was playing with, I told to wait until my son had finished, whereas normally my son would just hand over that particular toy and play with something else. Because my friend always comes to my house, it is always my son that has to share his own toys - my friend's son never has to share his toys as we never go to her house.

In the end, I told her that I thought we should stop seeing each other for about 4 weeks as I could see my son was starting to dislike her son and I didn't want to fall out about this with her.

When she eventually started coming round again, I told her to bring a box of her son's trains or dinosaurs (her son's favourite toys) so that meant that if my son had to stop playing with one of his own toys because her son wanted it, at least my son could then play with one of her son's toys. Needless to say, when she came round and my son wanted to play with the trains, her son was not impressed and didn't want to share. I think it proved a point to her though.

I am not saying my son is an angel - far from it. In fact, when he had his 3 1/2 year check up, the health visitor asked if I had any concerns about him. I said not really although I was a bit concerned about his behaviour. The health visitor asked what he was like (very boisterous, full of mischief, great personality, very outgoing) and she asked if I had any other children. At that time, my daughter was 7 1/2 and my health visitor told me not to compare the two - for a start, my son is second born and therefore picks up things from his sister and also boys are totally different to girls. She said that is no problem with my son - he is just a bit lively and apparently it takes boys longer to learn social skills than girls (although he is very good at sharing and is always thinking of others before he does something wrong).

When I mentioned to my friend that I had to discussed my son's behaviour with the health visitor and the health visitor told me that my expectations were too high, she didn't say much.

A few weeks or months later, my friend had the cheek to come to my house and told me that I shouldn't worry about my son's behaviour (which I wasn't worried about after talking to my health visitor) as he would soon grow out of it.

This from a friend who's son she took out of the school's nursery because the teacher told her she felt her son needed speech therapy (which I believe he does) and also to see a behaviour physologist because of his not being able to share and interact with other children.

Needless to say, she changed nurseries and the new nursery turned round and said that they believe he needed speech therapy and to see a psychologist. He has not started speech therapy yet - my friend doesn't think he has a problem! - but she is seeing a psycologist who is monitoring his food/drink to try and find out what the problem is.

As I said before, I think this so-called friend will be moving soon so we won't be seeing so much of each other.

I've changed my name to revive this old thread since I'm slightly worried the person I'm talking about could discover mumsnet. But I really don't mind if any of you recognise me!

I've recently met someone like this so does anyone have any other suggestions for dealing with it? I've met her about 6? ish times and we've always had an ok/nice time. Her child is younger than mine and we don't always see eye to eye on parenting issues (example: my child spent ages making a tower, hers deliberately knocked it down, my child told her about this expecting her to tell her child not to do it and she said "well, I'm not going to tell xxx off". What???? I would have done, he's definitely old enough to understand) but she's OK. Not someone I'd keep in touch with if we moved away say, but OK.

Anyway, recently she's taken to calling every day and inviting us to do things. I've been either screening calls and then calling back to decline because I don't want to take part in xyz activity or accepting her invitation/inviting her over to our house. Yesterday she asked me if I'd done something to upset her since "I can never get hold of you". (She'd already left irritable sounding message saying the same - where are you?) I said no (too polite to say anyything else) and explained that sometimes I'm out or out of signal on my mobile, or sometimes I just don't want to answer my phone. She sounded mightily irritated. Well, actually, she's NOT entitled to be able to get hold of me anytime she likes and this attitude is getting on my nerves. I don't know her that well and yet she's made some fairly personal remarks such as "do you ever wear anything that isn't black?" Umm, yes, but what's it to you is what I should have said but didn't...

I could call her and say look you're overwhelming me please back off but should I? Or should I just continue avoiding her and hope she gets the message? She wants to lift share to school next term but NO WAY will I be taking her up on this offer, it's just too much closeness and habit for my liking. Thanks for listening, sorry this is soooo long!

Barbarella, this would really get on my t@ts - I hate the overbearing types who want to live in your backpockets!! Too gutless to say anything directly though so I'd go the 'keep avoiding/screening calls' route. Actually did this with a mighty annoying friend. We'd started out as penpals (!) at 14. By the time I was in my mid 20s I had decided we had absolutely nothing in common and in fact she drove me bonkers. Not really her fault but she just grated on me the wrong way - I just couldn't stand hanging out with her anymore. What's more she would call late at night - about 10 which is late for me! - and speak for at least an hour. She's the type of person who'd start telling you a story about going to the doctor and spend half an hour explaining how she had to wait ages for a bus to get there. Anyway before I had DD I worked long hours and just wanted to spend the evenings with DH. I started screening and replying by email rather than phone - it took absolutely ages for this thick-skinned woman to get the message but she did eventually.

Goodness me Janus, this is an awkward one! All I can say is that you must be Really Nice for her to like being with you so much! You don't happen to live near Manchester, do you?!

I'm a bit soft too so I wouldn't find this easy so would probably just start not being in sometimes when she calls - even if you are in, you don't have to answer! Also, plan a whole day out with your dd and don't mention any of it to her beforehand. then tell her about it when you next meet, saying how nice it was for you and dd to go off on your own and have some special time together.

Don't know though, it doesn't sound like she picks up hints very well. You do sound stifled though and if she is barring you from getting to know other people, I just hope some of the advice on this thread works for you.

Sorry, as usual, didn't look at the date of this and I am talking about a very old problem! Doh!

Wow what an "in your face" woman your new found friend is.Overbearing is not the word. If it was me I would tell her the truth but in a nice manner ie

Listen I would like to keep you as a friend but I dont like living in peoples pockets,it ruins the relationship, I will meet up say once a week OR

Oh you seem like a nice girl but I dont think we have that much in common OR

the listen you seem like a nice girl but our kids dont seem to be get on.

Say whatever you feel comfortable with but you have to say something soon before it gets out of hand otherwise you will find you will be doing school runs next term

Does she usually suggest the same day/s of the week? If she does, I think I would plan the next few Wednesday afternoons (or whenever) in advance. 'I'm really sorry, I'm going to my mums next Wednesday, then the one after, I've got a friend coming over...' whatever you've planned. This might show that you a/ have a life, b/ have other friends and c/ that you are happy to not see her every week. Then you could write her in your diary for the week after that. She might take the hint!

I used to have a 'person' who used to camp out at my house several times a week. She didnt just used to do it to me though, there was quite a few people who used to have the 'pleasure' of her company too! It used to be a standing joke between the rest us 'has X been camping at your house this week? etc etc. I found she got the message after a while of me being out all the time, not answering any of her calls and things. I would have felt horrible doing this if she were a friend.

If she was/is a true friend you should be able to explain how you feel. One of my closest friends and I have a mutual understanding that if we disagree with one another or we are getting on each others nerves we just TELL one another.

I agree with Hilary. Make arrangements with other friends for the days that she wants to see you. Then you can say, 'Oh, but I'm free next Friday. Do you fancy meeting in town for a coffee?'

But you shouldn't have to make arrangements should you? These people, and I knew one, put you in teh position of having to be nasty, I would continue the call screening or just give vague answers like 'Oh, I'm not really sure what I'll be doing that day' You don't need to expand. A genuine friend would pick that up. Well, a genuine friend wouldn't be putting you in this position in the first place. But I speak as one who never makes phone calls to arrange anything

poor woman, probably just needs some company with the kids and thinks she's found a friend. Why don't you just tell her you appreciate time with your daughter on your own..that's totally non-offensive!

I can't help thinking people like this don't actually realise they are being so obtrusive. I know I personally couldn't be brutely honest and tell them to leave me alone. However, I have to say that I think Tinker has hit the nail on the head when she says you don't have to make alternative arrangements, nor make excuses or explainations. A simple 'no, sorry, I can't make it' should be enough.

I also think it is important to remember that each person's time is a valuable commodity too.

Reading this thread feeling really guilty! I used to be a stalker! (but not for any of you, because mine are no longer little!)

Just to put the other side of it, I moved here when I got married, so I knew no-one. My friends & family were at the other side of the country. I worked about 20 miles from here, so didn't meet anyone at work. When I left work to have DD I knew no-one. I was on an estate with no social centre, in an area where everyone has their mum & their sisters round the corner. To start with I had a friend connected with another relative, but she moved away when DD was about 1.5, by which time DH worked long hours. We went to Toddlers & Tumble Tots but I'd get up on a Monday desperate to fill the week, or see no other adult for days on end.

No-one ever wanted to come here because none of them drove, so I had to go to other people. I tried to arrange to see each of the few friends I had once a week, but of course they didn't want to see me as much as I needed to see them. It was horrible.

I made friends with a girl round the corner when I was expecting my second. The kids seemed to get on well & I thought we did too. After a few months she suddenly started giving me the brush off & without saying anything to me, started avoiding me when we met by accident in town or at someone else's house. It was very embarrassing & very hurtful. If she'd just said "I don't want to see you" then I'd have known where I stood & not bothered calling again. I spent years wondering if one of my kids had done something she didn't want to tell me about!! Now I know.

I went back to work when DD was 4.5 because I couldn't stand being on my own any more. I remember it as a very lonely time.

I can relate Tallulah. I had no job, no transport, no money and close family and so I needed to organise trips and visits to friends and relatives houses. I became quite irritated by some of their reactions and the way that they would cancel at the last minute. More often than not it would be the only thing that me and my son would have planned for an entire week and we would be all ready to go and then they would cancel because they had found something better to do. I'm still confused as to what other mothers do with their time but my sons first 2 years were an incredibly dull and lonely time.

Barbarella, please be as gentle with her as you can. She is just trying to make friends and her over familiarity with you is just a by-product of her need to make a connection with you that isn't like so many other fake mother to mother relationships. If you really dislike her company then the best thing to do is to avoid her, confronting her will only upset her further. It is a difficult position for you both to be in but you appear to be the most calm so you have the ability to rationalise any dislike you have for her and to end the friendship entirely if you want, but remain consistant throughout. Good luck.

I wasn't saying that you HAD to make other arrangements. However, if, like me, you hate lying to people (plus you could get caught out by her, which would be even more offensive to her) at least you would know that you were telling the truth.

I suppose that the truth is always the best option, be it bing busy, or just saying that you want to be alone with your dd/dh. Screening calls is never the answer, as it makes the other party very hurt. I have done it and had to live with the fall out!

have to say i would find "sorry, i can't make it" or "sometimes, i need to spend time with dd just the two of us" both less hurtful and less equivocal than "i don't know what i'll be doing".

that just sounds like, "well, i just might have time for you if nothing better comes up..." mixed signals, perhaps less effective?

what i do when i'm trying to feel out potential new friendships is leave a face-saving get-out a mile wide for people to take advantage of... e.g. "i enjoyed meeting up today, it was fun. would like to do again sometime, but will totally understand if " of course this relies on the other person having enough savoir faire to realise this is the escape route!

do agree with you, tinker, in that you shouldn't have to make excuses in a situation like this.

i've been wondering if i've ever done this to anyone! don't think so! but i can see the other side of the story...