The Dating Game...

[Lizzer]

Hello, as advised by Ems I'm starting this for you all to help and advise me through the fabulous, but often disasterous, world of dating. The reason being (may as well tell the whole world, eh!) I've just found myself back in that big old sea hunting for one of the plenty more fish that I'm always being told exist. Its actually taken me 2 yrs of full time mothering mixed with absolute fear of the unknown to get here, and now I'm going on a DATE next week - Gah!

I'd love to hear any tragi-comic stories that you might have on the subject and obviously any helpful hints and tips for me such as 'no don't wear the red PVC number on your first date' etc...!!

I'm sure you all have some hidden in your deepest darkest memories, so share with us...

(Also any touching, romantic ones would be great - they give me hope that there is someone out there for me somewhere!!! )

Lizzer, hadn't given a lot of thought to the ppp -one of my friends years ago put forward the theory of 70% man which we've aimed for (& got, we think!) since then..ie if you get 70% of your partner-wishlist, then you're doing pretty damn good! maybe we're just realists, more commonly known as stroppy Northern women..

Jasper - how could I refuse if you put it like that I've fancied from a distance for years and I never had the guts to approach him although we had a few mutual friends. He's shy (I'm not, but still its a big step for me) so wouldn't have the confidence either. Anyway since we got it together it turns out he fancied me for ages too! It has been said that he will 'treat me like a princess' and no-one I know has a bad word to say about him. He seems ready for a relationship (unlike the last one who was just interested in the 'idea' of having a girlfriend) and I am really ready too. We talked for about 4 hours after I finally had the nerve to approach him in the pub (yay for vodka and the confidence it supplies-that's what I say!) We have loads in common and have been through similar experiences (though he has no children.) He makes me laugh, he has the cutest facial expressions, he's got a really good career that he has a passion for, he's the best kisser ever, and a million other things but more than anything it just seems 'right'. I was waiting for this feeling but also had my doubts whether it would actually happen ever again in my life. I think about him all the time and he says the same about me, we both look at each other and go 'this is going to be really good' and 'how come we never met sooner?!' He calls me beautiful and...and...and sorry, I'll shut up and go away now (you can imagine that my friend's, though very happy for me, are getting a little fed up of the rambling on everytime I see them!) But it just gets better and better, last night was amazing and now I can't wait til saturday, he's fantastic!

Right then can I not hear some more of your stories, or why you think its still working so well with your dp's or dh's, please please pleeeeeaase.....I need to know it isn't all going to go wrong! Really want to know when you just 'knew' he was the one, in a second, in a week, in a decade????!!!

Lizzer .... you just know ....

(Wishing you loads of luck and lots of passion for Saturday!!)

sobernow - brilliant story! Was he jealous when you got married?

Lizzer I think I have told you my story before, but you do know its right and wonder how you got it so wrong before. Enjoy the feeling and the fun. I was swept off my feet and I still get treated like a lady and Im his princess.

I knew my dp was The One the first night we met.

It was supposed to be a one night stand (sorry, used to be a slapper) and we were thrilled to discover that we couldn't stop talking in between bouts of amazing sex... we didn't sleep all night or most of the subsequent nights we spent together: there was time for brilliant conversation and sex, but not enough time to sleep!

2 years on I remember him standing on the doorstep the morning after that first night, looking cool in his sunglasses, huge smile, sunlight streaming through the door (cue surging violins!) and handing me his card... I texted him my phone number and we've been together ever since. I think compatibility is to do with "wavelengthness" (no such word I know), chemistry, passion, shared morality, humour and pheromones Your man sounds lovely Lizzer, good luck!

WWW I too lived on Red Bull for the first month or so of going out with dh due to just a few hours sleep a night, how did we do it. I think you live on the whole buzz of the situation. We moved in together after a couple of months so solving the travelling and not wanting to be apart.

Lizzer, I knew within 3 weeks of first going out with dh that if he asked me I would marry him. Took him 3 years to get round to it (he says he wanted to finish his PhD first), but 12 years and 2 children later we are still going strong. I felt (and still do) that the men I went out with before him (lovely though they all were) gave me very clear idea of what I didn't want in a man! Good luck with your new man.

Lizzer - two years before we started dating (and while we were both dating other people) DH and I exchanged a passionate kiss at a party. We've been together for 23 yrs, married for nearly 21, and as I said...
It started with a kiss...

I met dh while out on a 'getting drunk and leering at men' evening with my flatmate who was pissed off at turning 30. I flashed my clevage, drunkenly dragged him out on the dance floor, snogged him and handed him my phone no before the poor thing knew what had hit him. I remember waking up one morning about 3 months after we met, looking at him sleeping and thinking 'I'm going to marry you'. It took him a few more years to come to the same conclusion but it's been bliss all the way.

I love all these stories. Gives me hope for my big gorgeous sister - who hits the big 4-0 this summer and never seems to meet Mr Right (or get round to having the babies she's alwayd wanted.) Great to know that there are still some nice ones left. Do keep us informed Lizzer - it's better than a TV drama

Ahhhh.....this is great, keep em coming. My friend saw me last night and said she had never heard me so happy for ages! I'm seeing him tomorrow and he's just asked me what I fancied doing, adding that he didn't care, just as long as he's with me [Lizzer swoons, falls over, starts drooling on the floor!!!!]

ooo Lizzer, sounds pretty good so far.

I did meet my The One once but let him go after 5 years because I thought I'd met another One Everyone else since has never come anywhere near the first One.

WWW - what a great theme for a thread - 'Sorry, I used to be a slapper' We could all confess our worst behaviour - sure there'd be some nickname changing on that one!!

And Here's the fallout...

(For some reason I can't post very long messages this week - its just not having it- so I'm splitting the messages up into bitesize chunks. Probably a good thing really!)

Oh woe is me! Ok, a bit of dramatic licence used there - but not that far away from what I'm feeling this morning after I talked to dp last night (backround: been together 7 months, things ok but not moving as fast as I want). Not the best conversation seeing a I wanted/needed declarations of undying love, promises of future happiness yada yada yada...

What I GOT was being told that in his way of thinking he didn't see anything in the future simply because the future's as yet unwritten and there's lots of things he wants to do with his life yet. There was no talk of us being together, it was just not mentioned, he talked about jobs and career but never us. This totally scraed me -I asked 'so where do you see us, as in being together forever type of thing?' He said he'd never think about forever. He said that didn't mean he would split up with me in a month, just that it was too impossible to predict the future...

I don't get it!!!! 3 months ago we were talking about all sorts, playing happy families. I think he's got cold feet in a big way but perhaps he just always thought like that and i misread signs. He's always said he wants to take things slowly. I've never quite got that as we were 'in love' and told each other that within weeks... Please, anyone, can you cast a light on all this? This morning I feel I only heard the 'negative' things but after leaving the conversation I initially felt ok about it all. I'm just really worried about hanging around waiting for him to make up his mind - or never getting an answer. Plus the fact that dd needs a stable enviroment to grow up in and I don't want his indecision to affect her life.... I would rather leave now if I knew it would. Just to put things in perspective, the good side of him is that he's honest hard-working, patient, thoughtful, ambitious in the right way. I've NEVER had to 'wait' for a man before- and I hear horror stories about doing just that - anyone got anything different to share about it all?

Lizzer, been there, done that with dh, many years ago. Basically he wanted to carry on (ie not living together, dd wasn't even thought of then) as we were but not commit any further. We split for 18 mths and when we got back together had the old 'commitment' talk - I laid down my demands - if we were to get back together - that I wanted a child by the time I was 35 and we should live together (he was always more pro-marriage than me, I wasn't bothered). he agreed to this - albeit over months of counselling and agonising going-round-in-circles..I went to stay with my parents after having a near break-down at work (doc signed me off with work and relationship related stress for 3 wks) - we met outside the counselling place and he just wept & wept. he said this was when he realised that he couldn't live without me and didn't want to try. but it was a bloody long slog and I know lots of friends in similar lack of commitment relationships who tried the same tactics - ie playing by their rules - and it didn't pay off. It sounds to me like your man wants his cake & other bits of pastry too (don't mean that in a nasty way, like he's the bad guy) and you might want to just carry on because otherwise it'll be you who's to blame if you split because you put too many demands on him too quickly. but you're both grown-ups and I don't want you to be hurt by anyone

Lizzer, I seem to recall with dh that around 7 months into what was immediately a 24/7, very loving relationship, I got cold feet at precisely the same time as dh was begging me to come and live with him etc. Nothing like the long-term drama that Bundle went through before everything came right, but a stressful few weeks nonetheless. We did not split up, but we rowed a lot. Then a couple of years later (living together in a jointly purchased flat) I wanted to get married and he didn't! We weathered that one too. These sorts of discussion always seem worse in the morning than they did at the time, don't they...well remember the feeling of everything worthwhile being over.
If you feel instinctively that you have a future together (even if he won't talk about it), then hang on in there - for the time being at least. If he is still giving out these messages in a month or so's time, then I'd agree that your concerns might be worth revisiting. Men are hopelessly literal-minded and insensitive, and if his career was preoccupying him when you were having this conversation, that's how he will have interpreted "the future". I've experienced this in the marital bed and on interview panels with complete strangers!
I, er, also have a tendency to initiate deep, meaningful "do you love me? do you reallyreallyreally love me?" conversations just before my period is due, and am liable to take the answers very much to heart...just a thought. Hope all this is just typical male vacillation and dithering...he's got a pearl and he should know it!

Yes, just to say, I would just take it very very slowly IF you think he is the right one. Why the need to rush?

In the past, when I have rushed into a relationship, I seem to have gone straight to the being in love bit but forgotten the get to know you bit along teh way. I've been seeing soemone now for 4 months and, for the first time for me, I'm taking it very slowly and it is certainly all the better for that.

I think with some people, you have to just sew little seeds along the way and let them get used to ideas before you move to another stage. 'Big discussions' scare a lot of people.

From what I recall, you are only young so have loads of time to a) see if he is right for you AND your daughter, b) meet someone else if he's not and c) to have another child.

Most importantly, I think, don't stay with soemone because you are scared to be alone. You've been alone for the last 3 years (?) - you managed brilliantly then so there is no reason why you wouldn't again.

er not 'sew' them exactly!!!

Lizzer, not much time but what I didn't say in my "He Was The One" post back in July or whenever is that he too left me for a month after about 3 months of full on happiness (or so I thought). He couldn't cope with the suddenness of it all and the committment etc. Don't know what to suggest except, maybe, for now, do nothing. Back off and see how it goes and if you still don't feel like it's going the way you want it to in a couple of months, revisit the subject. I do think that sometimes it takes men longer to decide on a committment than it does us women (generalising I know). Will write more later if I think of anything else that might be useful.